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Archive for August, 2009

Five Reasons I Don’t Want To Have Sex With You, Girl

August 31st, 2009 18 comments

Ladies, sit down. I have some news to share with you.

Are you sitting? Good.

I know this is going to come as a shock to some of you, and to those who already know, apologies for preaching to the choir. But for those who don’t, or haven’t heard the news, I do not want to have sex with all of you. Not all the time. Not even some of the time.

Now, calm down ladies. Stop crying. Don’t roll your eyes. Stay calm. Yes, I know what Lil Wayne, Drake, and the rest of Young Money said. Yes, I like the song too. No, I don’t live by it.

Allow me to explain my reasons. Keep in mind, I don’t speak for all men, but I ask that if any men read this and agree, please co-sign in the comments or, if you have your own reasons share them. Ladies need to know that sometimes, we just don’t want any.

Read more…

Categories: Five Things, s#x, women Tags:

Stories: "Oh relax. He’s harmless lol"

August 28th, 2009 16 comments

How the hell did I get here? I’m a man of principle. I don’t do this sort of thing because I don’t want it done to me; would hate if it were done to me. Yet, I’m doing it. And bragging about it, mind you, to my boy.

“Man, guess what happened the last time we got together,” I say to my boy on the other end of the phone.

“What?” he says, chuckling.

“Man, the last time I went over there, things got so crazy, a picture of Ol’ Girl and her man fell and the frame broke!”

“Dude, get outta here!” he says.

“Yes! And what’s worse is Ol’ Girl’s man had to buy a new frame!”

The two of us laugh. We laugh our asses off at some guy we don’t even know. We laugh like we are the only ones in the world granted permission to laugh at the misfortune of another man. Like that man could never be us.

In the middle of the smack-talking, Ol’ Girl chimes in with an Instant Message on my computer screen.

Read more…

Categories: s#x, Stories, women Tags:

Women Should Always Carry Condoms. Always.

August 27th, 2009 24 comments

Women who don’t carry condoms get on my nerves and confuse me.

Let’s start with the woman’s point of view, which is they have no problems keeping a stash of rubbers at their place of residence, but if they go out, men should be strapped. This only makes sense if I know for a fact I’m going home with someone or to someone’s home at the end of the night. But if my night is filled with a bunch of ifs, ands, or maybes, I know from experience, carrying a condom on me is the anti-rabbit’s foot.

Women always seem more comfortable with me when I don’t have condoms than when I do. It’s as though I didn’t plan to have sex, which endears me to them, but  is also dead wrong. I don’t know when it’s in my plans not to have sex. I just figure when a woman’s ready to do it, she will be prepared. And if she doesn’t have condoms, it was in her plans not to have sex.

The only exception in which it is a man’s responsibility to have condoms is if the action is going down at his place, because all men should have a stash at home. But if he doesn’t know how his night’s going to end or it’s not going end on home turf, women should be prepared.

Unfortunately, women like to play coy even with themselves; acting like there’s no need for them to have a couple of condoms in their purse because nothing is going to happen, or, because it’s unbecoming of a lady to be so ready. The truth is, neither of those dogs hunt.

Women, like men, cannot predict the future, but they should always be prepared for it. We are living in a time when one-night-stands are considered a rights of passage into adulthood, and no woman should be unprepared for hers.

As for those who believe only loose women carry condoms in their purse with no intent on using them, what a mistake. Women who carry condoms just in case are not loose. They’re smart, or, maybe they’re smart, loose women.

Either way, you get my point: Women, whether loose or uptight, should always carry condoms, if they’re smart.

Categories: s#x, things a woman should do Tags:

A Guide To Staying Away From Your Ex

August 26th, 2009 19 comments

So apparently, Chris Brown was sentenced in court yesterday after being found guilty of beating his ex-girlfriend Rihanna. One of the conditions mandated by the judge was a stay-away order. Under this condition, Brown must remain 100 yards away from Rihanna at all times, with the exception of music industry events, where the permissible distance is 10 yards. The order is to be carried out for five years, and if Brown violates it, the singer goes to sing-sing.

When I read about this yesterday, I thought to myself, If I had one of those after my last break-up, things would’ve gone a lot smoother. Initially, after my ex and I broke up, we couldn’t stay away from each other for five days. We thought when one of us said, “Never call me again” what she or I really meant was “Never call me in two days.” But eventually, we found a way to move on and though the order isn’t appointed by the courts, we do a good job of staying away from one another to this day.

That being said, I decided to give all the others who are having trouble staying away from an ex a list of five things they can do to make it easier. Even if the punishment for violating the rules isn’t hard time, the only thing better than getting into a relationship with someone, is getting over them when you break up, and nothing helps more than some good ‘ol fashioned space. Here’s how to get it:

  1. Find Somebody New
  2. Find Somebody New
  3. Find Somebody New
  4. Find Somebody New
  5. Find Somebody New

What? You got a better plan?

Categories: dating, quick posts Tags:

How Do People of Different Races Date?

August 25th, 2009 24 comments

I’m not even going to attempt to answer the question I pose in the title because I can’t. Even though I am a stew of Puerto Rican, Black, and Japanese cultures and bloodlines, I have no idea what it’s like to date women of different backgrounds because 97 percent* of the women I’ve dated are Black**.

But this post isn’t about me and what kind of women I prefer to date. What I want to do is get to the bottom of the question: How do people of different races date?

If I did a search on Google, I’m sure information like this can be found in some scientific study, but I don’t want “data”. I want testimonials from real people who date exclusively within their race, which is something I believe is perfectly fine. The way I see it, if we’re exclusive to our own groups, we shouldn’t hide it. We should be comfortable with sharing it.

I understand for some, race is a difficult topic to discuss and I have no idea how to start this conversation, so don’t expect any instructions from me, but I do have one suggestion: Ask simple but direct questions.

For instance:

  • Would a white man ever take a white woman to a poetry slam for a date? I see white people at poetry slams, but they never look like they’re on a date. They’re always in large groups, and most of them are the support crew for their white friend who’s performing that night***.
  • One thing I love about dating Black women is we usually have a mutual love for soul food, and we don’t even have to ask other people where to go, because we already know our favorite spots, which begs the question: Do Japanese men and women have that same connection over sushi spots?
  • When a Latin woman says her ideal date involves dancing, should I assume she means going Salsa dancing?

I understand these questions may seem basic, elementary even, but hey, what can I say? When it comes to learning how people of other races date, my curiosity is kid-like.

I rarely will ever take up space in my post to ask readers to pass my blog around to other people, because you all do that anyway, right? Right. But I am going to ask anyone reading this to send it to their one friend of another race (some of us have a lot, but everyone has at least one), because I would love for them to comment and hear their own thoughts on this topic. Leave a comment on the blog or message me on Facebook (facebook.com/jozenc). White, Latin, Asian, even Black people I have never met and talked to, no matter where they’re from in America, I just really want to hear what dating life is like for people from different backgrounds.

And to be clear, I have no hidden agenda here outside of learning about others. People interest me in a variety of ways, and this is one of them. At the most, maybe I can learn about a couple of good sushi spots.

Discuss.

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* I went through an exploratory phase in middle school and high school.

** Please understand this doesn’t make me a racist, though I am a preferist (yes, I just made that up), which means, I prefer to date black women.

*** I attend enough poetry slams to feel comfortable making this statement.

Categories: dating, race Tags:

Let's Not Talk About Sex

August 24th, 2009 8 comments

Today’s topic  is something I first wrote about a couple of years ago when I was the online editor at KING Magazine. I entitled it “The Gay Friend Conundrum”, which looking back on it, was in poor taste. Still, the issue I wrote about remains a valid one, and since I can’t find much of my old work at KING, I felt like delving into it anew. Enjoy.

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I’m friends with very, very few females, especially single ones. Some guys like to have a lot of female friends, pride themselves on it even, but I don’t and I try to keep it that way because of one reason and one reason only: Sex.

It’s not so much I want to sleep with all my women friends, it’s just that if I’m speaking honestly I would. If I can’t, I keep my distance, not because I can’t control myself. Quite the contrary. The real issue I have is allowing a woman to get so comfortable with me as a friend, she starts talking to me like I’m a human diary, about things like, you guessed it…sex.

Maybe this hasn’t happened to other guys, but I will admit it’s happened to me on a couple of occasions. A female friend of mine is going through a dry spell. She’s not getting any and because her and I have talked about everything else she’s going through in life, she feels it’s okay to start talking to me about this dry spell she’s in. She tells me she hasn’t gotten laid in “forever” and how badly she wants to have sex. All the while, I’m sitting on either the end of the phone, or looking right across from her wondering how the hell I ended up here: A perfectly able and willing man, talking with a woman about her desire for sex, yet not being a part of the solution to her problem.

At some point, I usually take it upon myself to remind my friend just who she is talking to and how her issue isn’t so much a lack of opportunity as much as it is an unwillingness to capitalize on the opportunities she has available. In other words, she can have sex if she chooses, with me.

Unfortunately, because we’re friends, the woman doesn’t see things this way, which is not only frustrating but also slightly disrespectful.

Some women like to use the whole I see him as a brother excuse for why they can’t use their male friend to bail them out of their sex drought. But that dog don’t hunt, because I have a sister, a real one, and we never, ever talk about our sex lives with each other. Never will either.

Then there’s women who have no problem telling a man, Well, I just don’t see you that way, and though I appreciate the honesty, it begs the question: How is that men are men when a woman needs help moving, but when it comes to sex, we’re like her girlfriend – easy to talk to?

In life, few juggling acts are harder to keep up than the one a man and a woman must maintain in a platonic relationship, which is why I’m friends with so few females. As for the women who are my friends, I make it very clear to them: If sex is their issue, I am the solution. They may give me a look like I’m crazy, but hey, what are good friends for?

Categories: s#x, women Tags:

No Drinking With Women

August 21st, 2009 7 comments

I don’t like to drink with women. At least, not often.

First, the reasons:

  1. I was never good at controlling my liquor. I get tired very, very quickly after only one beer, so if I’m trying to “hang” I have a better chance sober. Even with Red Bull infused drinks, I can end up sleeping in public. Trust me, it’s happened.
  2. I get the Asian glow. Being part Japanese, my face gets bright red the minute I have a couple of sips of anything with alcohol content. Since I’m fairly vain and self-conscious, this reaction to alcohol doesn’t really work for me with the exception of dimly lit clubs. I also have never really heard a woman tell me she gets turned on when my face gets red and until I do, this reason remains valid.

Of course, often times my rules stretch beyond dates. Even at an open bar, I’m liable to order a Coke, straight-up, on the rocks. I’m one of those people who, when it comes time to consume alcohol, I’m as selective as couples who opt for family planning birth control. So whenever I go out with a woman and tell her I don’t really like to drink, most are understanding, but I have met some who look at me like I told them I used to date their best friend. One of my ex-girlfriend’s had the nerve to tell me once, “I never realized I didn’t like a guy who didn’t drink until I started seeing you.” Thankfully, I’m comfortable in my own skin and didn’t order a shot of Patron just to appease her.

To their credit, some women have explained their real issue with me not drinking with them is because I turn around and do it with my boys, which is only sort of true.

Even my boys will tell you I’m the one most likely to pass on a drink, but admittedly, I am more comfortable drinking with my boys than with a woman.  When I’m drinking with my boys I know if something were to happen to me as a result of getting too drunk, my boys can handle it. With women, not so much. Call  me crazy, but I feel it’s way more important for me to be sober than it is for me to be drunk when I’m with a woman. Besides, I’ve heard some bad things happen to men who date drunk, from the women who’ve dated them.

The other issue I’ve heard women tell me they have with men who don’t like to drink (apparently I’m not the only one) is they don’t like to drink by themselves. As I’ve heard it said to me, when a woman is drinking by herself she feels her date and all who see them are judging her, which is just crazy talk. That would be like me asking a woman to order a steak instead of salad because if anyone from PETA is at the restaurant, I don’t want them to think I’m the only who likes to kill animals. If a woman likes to drink, she should feel comfortable enough to do it by herself, with her girls and in front of a man. I, on the other hand, don’t drink that often in any of those situations.

No man should even be given a double-take if he passes on the wine list or isn’t interested in hearing the drink specials, and no woman should be uncomfortable browsing at either just because her date doesn’t want to. I’m not one of those people who don’t drink cause it’s a bad thing. It’s just sometimes drinking is bad for me, and if a woman disagrees, she can order her own drink. Good for her.

Categories: dating, women Tags:

Social Masturbation

August 20th, 2009 15 comments

Tonight, I’m going to  a storytelling slam in New York City and I asked one girl if she wanted to come with me. She said she couldn’t because she has a meeting to attend, which means I have to go with plan B.

The B stands for Bymydamnself.

Solo missions are hard to do and only for grown folks. I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea of going anywhere by myself until I was at least 26, and for me, it was one of the great discoveries of my adulthood.

When I go out, I tailor my company to the event. For instance, the woman I asked to accompany me to tonight’s storytelling slam is the type of woman who is actually into such things, and while I’m sure there are other women who would want to go with me, I’m not about to take my chances. If there’s a new barbecue restaurant I want to try, why would I take the vegetarian? If I have two tickets to go see the Wu-Tang Clan Reunion at S.O.B.’s, why would I take the girl who listens to nothing but R&B?

Backup plans are for people who have dependency issues, and I got rid of those back in ’07. If I want to spend time with a woman, she’s my preferred choice. The other options I have are for other occasions. Unless I’m in a relationship, there is no way I’m wasting my time or the woman’s time by going somewhere we can’t enjoy equally. And though that may sound harsh, at least every woman I date doesn’t have to worry about me bringing someone off the bench just because she can’t play that night.

(Of course, if the date is in my bed, I will sub another girl in. No questions asked. Ha!)

As for my boys? No stand-ins for them either; and since they don’t live in New York City, I’m often left to my own devices, which makes me feel like I’m David Ruffin from The Temptations without the drug problem.

I can count the number of times I’ve been approached by a woman when I’m with my boys using my hands, but if I wanted to count the number of times I’ve been approached when I’m by myself, toes would have to be involved. Not to say I look different in either situation, I look the same. The difference lies in the way women respond to my confidence.

When I’m with my boys, a woman can’t tell if the confidence I have is coming from my crew or from within (for the record, it’s a mix of both). But when she sees me by myself and sees I still have my chin held high, she knows I come as advertised.

Of course, I’d be remiss to not say how great it is to go out with others. As much as I’ve enjoyed my solo jaunts, not one has ever been as much fun as a great date or a night out with my boys where a lot of liquor and loud music was involved. All I’m saying is if neither one of those options are available, or the company doesn’t fit the occasion, I is cool.

Categories: dating, women Tags:

Where the Fine Women Are

August 19th, 2009 9 comments

Who else is excited for the Maxwell and Common tour? I am, but it’s not because I love that “Pretty Wings” song Max sings.

Second to sports, watching fine women pass by and getting their attention is the most popular activity practiced by men everywhere, which is why I’m not actually going to be in Madison Square Garden when these two guys hit New York City on Monday, September 28, but I will be outside of the Garden. Chilling.

Still, the question remains: When there are no special events in town, where can a man go to find the fine women of town? Well, I’m no expert, but when it comes to knowing where the fine women are, I am a professional.

What I have decided to do is give a list of five spots where fine women congregate, but with my own little spin. Check it out and I encourage all the guys who read the blog to put me on to a spot I left off. Now read and get out there!

The spot used to be Starbucks – NOW – it’s mom-and-pop coffee shops

Don’t get me wrong, Starbucks has some fine women, but now that Starbucks is as ubiqutious as a Dunkin Donuts, fine women have migrated towards the independently owned coffee shops in their neighborhoods.

The spot used to be the grocery store – NOW – it’s the book store:

Women are cooking less and reading more. I read this in a book I found at Barnes and Noble.

The spot used to be the beach – NOW – it’s the park:

Fine women still go to the beach, but not nearly as often as they go to the park. If you don’t believe me, go to both. It’s a project worthy of your research.

The thing used to be drinks after work – NOW – it’s brunch on weekends:

Two things about brunch: A good one is giving everyone who orders food, free mimosas or bloody marys. The other thing is usually a fine woman goes to get drinks after work with her co-workers, who can look like, well, you know, co-workers. But at brunch, a fine woman is usually with her friends who are more than likely fine like her.

The spot used to be the gym – NOW – it’s still the gym:

Because a fine woman will always care about staying fine and this is still the only place to go to keep it that way.

Categories: women Tags:

DEBATES MEN HAVE: Her Place or Mine

August 18th, 2009 17 comments

It happens to the best of us. Whether we’re on a date or we just met for the first time that night, most men will, if they haven’t already, come face to face with one of life’s biggest decisions:

Should I go to her place or let her come to mine?

Now, before I get into the debate and weigh the pros and cons of both, let’s establish some criteria so we don’t get caught up in semantics.

  • The woman and I live equal distance away from their current location.
  • We live alone or our places are empty for the weekend; no parents*, no** roommates, no children***.
  • Both of us have our own form of transportation so we’ll be following one another. If we don’t have cars (in New York City this is common) we can cab it together.
  • Neither of us are busy the next day.

With those things established, we can now get down to the nitty gritty of the topic, which basically comes down to this: Where do I prefer the action to take place?

HER PLACE

PROS: There is a strange but fulfilling feeling I get when I leave a woman’s place that I don’t get when she leaves my place.  If I don’t feel like staying around after we’ve blessed the sheets, I can just get dressed and make moves no matter how late it is. And having that ability makes me feel like I had control of the situation all along, even if that wasn’t necessarily the case.

CONS: Some men don’t care, but for me, there are few bigger turn-offs than a woman with a messy place. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem doing the grown-up on a pile of a laundry, but once the show’s over, I pray the clothes are clean, and if they’re not, I’m gone. I’ll just wash up at my place. Thanks.

MY PLACE

PROS: Three words: Home. Field. Advantage. For some reason, I’m always better in my bed than her bed, at least in the beginning. I also know where everything is, and more importantly, everything I need is within arms reach. Few things are as liberating as not only knowing where the condoms are but also not being at the mercy of the woman’s stash of condoms she picked up from the local Planned Parenthood.

CONS: I’ve let women leave in the middle of the night and I’ll be honest, it’s not something I’m proud of, even if they’ve volunteered to leave themselves. Every man has at least one particular code of chivalry they abide by no matter the circumstances, and for me, I always let a woman ride it out until the night turns to day. Unfortunately, if they want to stay and they’re annoying me, I’m all types of pissed off until sunrise and I will never call them again.

I’m also uncomfortable with the idea of a woman knowing where I live. If they’re intoxicated they might not remember, but if they do remember, and they actually committed the location of my residence to memory, she probably has stalker tendencies.

FINAL CHOICE

HER PLACE

I may perform better in my own bed, but my road record is good enough where I’ll take my chances. Where I live and how I live where I live is not a top secret government location, but it is personal.

The other thing is, control. At my place, I’m in control of my environment but not necessarily in control of the person who’s in my environment. At her place, she’s in control of the environment, but I’m in control of me, which means I can leave when I want. I just hope she didn’t get her condoms from the Planned Parenthood.

What do you all think?

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*No, I don’t live with my parents

**No, I don’t have roommates

***No, I don’t have children.

Categories: debates men have, women Tags: