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Stories: "Oh relax. He’s harmless lol"

How the hell did I get here? I’m a man of principle. I don’t do this sort of thing because I don’t want it done to me; would hate if it were done to me. Yet, I’m doing it. And bragging about it, mind you, to my boy.

“Man, guess what happened the last time we got together,” I say to my boy on the other end of the phone.

“What?” he says, chuckling.

“Man, the last time I went over there, things got so crazy, a picture of Ol’ Girl and her man fell and the frame broke!”

“Dude, get outta here!” he says.

“Yes! And what’s worse is Ol’ Girl’s man had to buy a new frame!”

The two of us laugh. We laugh our asses off at some guy we don’t even know. We laugh like we are the only ones in the world granted permission to laugh at the misfortune of another man. Like that man could never be us.

In the middle of the smack-talking, Ol’ Girl chimes in with an Instant Message on my computer screen.

OlGirl: Hi

Me: Whattup

OlGirl: Sorry about last night

(Ol’ Girl and I were supposed to get together last night. The plan was as follows:

  1. Apparently, Ol’ Girl’s man has his own set of keys to her apartment, so she will call him. She will tell him she is going to meet with her girlfriends for a happy hour. She wants to avoid a potential awkward situation where her man walks in to find me and his woman having sex by the picture of them together in the new frame he bought, which is propped on the nightstand next to her bed.
  2. Ol’ Girl will call me as soon as she gets home from work.
  3. I will come over. We will have two hours.
  4. Never happens, so I ask why.)

Me: What happened?

OlGirl: When I was leaving for work, he was standing right outside my office. I was right in the middle of texting you too.

Me: Damn! Was he tripping about something?

OlGirl: Naw, he just wanted to surprise me so we went out to eat.

Me: Aww….I see.

At this point, I don’t care what happened. I see the thought bubble in her Instant Message window about to say something but I tune out. The moment has passed. I was horny last night. This morning, I was focused on things like, well, going back to smack-talking with my boy.

“Yeah man, this is her right now hitting me up on IM. Anyway, so yeah, this dude had to buy a new frame and…”

OlGirl: Oh, by the way, you know he’s the dealer

Her words get me off the phone with my boy immediately. I yell, “What the fuck!?”  and rush my boy off the phone. “Hey, man, I have to get off the phone. I’m gonna call you back.”

“You good?” he asks.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” I say. “She just hit me with something crazy though. I’ll call you back.”

I hang up the phone and begin typing away furiously.

Me: Girl, are you crazy? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT!?

This news changes everything because I know about the dealer. The dealer, obviously, deals drugs. Ol’ Girl told me about him back when we first started sleeping with each other months ago, when they were on the outs,  which is how I got in in the first place. It should be noted, the dealer wasn’t some small time drug runner, nickel-and-diming on the corners. He was one of those dealers rappers rap about being but never are.

OlGirl: Oh relax. He’s harmless lol

Me: Girl, look, everyone knows drug dealers are not afraid of two things: Getting killed and going to jail.

OlGirl: LOL! Stop, he’s actually afraid of both. He tells me all the time.

Me: Well, he ain’t afraid of me, and that’s enough for me.

OlGirl: LOL! You’re trippin…it’s all good, can I come over tonight?

(I’m changing Ol’ Girl’s name to Ol’ Fool. She must think I’m crazy. I’m not about to let her anywhere near my apartment knowing what I know now. Besides, we always  keep things at her place, never at mine. She doesn’t even know where I live. Now that I knew her man is a professional drug dealer, no way am I letting her anywhere near my place.

There’s only one problem. Because I know this is the end, I want her right now. One more time, but not tonight. Right now.)

Me: Hell. No. You cannot come over tonight, not ever for that matter. The only way you can come over is if you come over right now.

OlGirl: What? I’m at work.

Me: I know. Tell them you have a doctor’s appointment, leave right now, and tell them you’ll be back by 1:00.

(It is 10 o’clock.)

OlGirl: I can’t.

Me: Well, it’s either now or never until your situation changes. Shit is too risky otherwise.

OlGirl: Hold on…brb….

(While I wait, I go back to my room to do a quick count of my condoms, make sure I won’t have to make a store run. Two were in the tin. Yep, that was enough. I go back to my computer screen.)

OlGirl: Okay, I’m on my way. Be ready.

Me: Cool, and just FYI, this is the last time for a long time. I can’t do this anymore

Ol’ Girl Has Gone Offline

Categories: s#x, Stories, women Tags:
  • http://www.twitter.com/project29 Nadine

    Honestly, I think you’re being a fool for even having her over. I understand you wanted to get laid but is it worth getting caught up by Ol’ boy? He’ll either beat your ass or hers. She must have the good good!

    Be safe.

  • Supergirl*thatswho.

    HA! This is hilarious! Your stories are CLASSIC! I *love* it! And then I died a little more when I saw the “possibly related posts.” Hilarity!! Sometimes, its just like that!

  • Brittany Castaneda

    You are a hot mess. That is all.

  • Tiffany

    WOW… JC I’m going to need you to be more careful!!! This is VERY FUNNY though but very educational… Do NOT set one man up while messing with a “professional” drug dealer… I love how you give the game for free!!

  • LS

    Oh man. You have to be real careful with this. This is no joke. Hilarious story, but no joke.

  • oc

    yes! lol

  • http://kandeezie.com Kandeezie

    It’s official. You’ve lost your mind.

  • Malaca Jones

    Ain’t nothing that good. How did she know where you lived Jozen? Is this another high profile beat down on the low low waiting to happen?

  • Malaca Jones

    The world is round, what goes around… Playing with dealers is a dangerous game! By the way, does he have the Internet? Does she have a facebook page that’s linked to yours? Well so does he…delete!

  • http://twitter.com/Lena Ps8612

    is it hard to blog about these things when you know/assume that the person in the scenario can/does read your blog?

  • Melissa

    I would use your full name right now but I don’t want you getting caught up in any situations so just pretend that I am. JPC are you a damn fool or what. Let for the sake of this comment change your name to ol’ fool. Ol’fool your mother raise you better then this, you don’t sleep with someone who’s envolved espically with a street pharmacist. Start using the head attached to your neck, your to smart to make such stupid mistakes, and far to priceless to those who love you.

  • http://fashionbombdaily.com Claire

    I just threw up in my mouth. I can’t anymore! I’m sure you’re happy.

  • Delishia

    This story is too funny! lol NOt a quick condom run

  • Nic-nic

    OK, so I’ve read a few of your posts and I think you’re a very good writer… and an even better story teller! (I can’t imagine your Howard education leading you into a situation like this, but then again, I don’t know you).

    For all the humor in the world, this is just sad and I hope it didn’t happen… But if it did (because we’ve ALL done not-so-smart things) I hope you will start to use your experiences and your powerful gift with words as a means to steer people in positive/right directions…

    Much love,
    Nic-nic

  • Nic-nic

    You know what? I just had to come back and apologize for my previous comment here. I know in the grand scheme of everything in your life you probably ain’t thinking two thoughts about it, but for my own peace of mind I must say that it was wrong of me to pass any sort of judgment against you and I’m truly sorry.

    Again, I don’t know if these stories are true but I do think you’re a very good writer, and although I may not agree with everything you “say,” I do respect you as a person…

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  • Anonymous

    lol @ story and comments alike.