Until I Get Married

How the hell did I get here? I’m a man of principle. I don’t do this sort of thing because I don’t want it done to me; would hate if it were done to me. Yet, I’m doing it. And bragging about it, mind you, to my boy.

“Man, guess what happened the last time we got together,” I say to my boy on the other end of the phone.

“What?” he says, chuckling.

“Man, the last time I went over there, things got so crazy, a picture of Ol’ Girl and her man fell and the frame broke!”

“Dude, get outta here!” he says.

“Yes! And what’s worse is Ol’ Girl’s man had to buy a new frame!”

The two of us laugh. We laugh our asses off at some guy we don’t even know. We laugh like we are the only ones in the world granted permission to laugh at the misfortune of another man. Like that man could never be us.

In the middle of the smack-talking, Ol’ Girl chimes in with an Instant Message on my computer screen.

OlGirl: Hi

Me: Whattup

OlGirl: Sorry about last night

(Ol’ Girl and I were supposed to get together last night. The plan was as follows:

1. Apparently, Ol’ Girl’s man has his own set of keys to her apartment, so she will call him. She will tell him she is going to meet with her girlfriends for a happy hour. She wants to avoid a potential awkward situation where her man walks in to find me and his woman having sex by the picture of them together in the new frame he bought, which is propped on the nightstand next to her bed.
2. Ol’ Girl will call me as soon as she gets home from work.
3. I will come over. We will have two hours.
4. Never happens, so I ask why.)

Me: What happened?

OlGirl: When I was leaving for work, he was standing right outside my office. I was right in the middle of texting you too.

Me: Damn! Was he tripping about something?

OlGirl: Naw, he just wanted to surprise me so we went out to eat.

Me: Aww….I see.

At this point, I don’t care what happened. I see the thought bubble in her Instant Message window about to say something but I tune out. The moment has passed. I was horny last night. This morning, I was focused on things like, well, going back to smack-talking with my boy.

“Yeah man, this is her right now hitting me up on IM. Anyway, so yeah, this dude had to buy a new frame and…”

OlGirl: Oh, by the way, you know he’s the dealer

Her words get me off the phone with my boy immediately. I yell, “What the fuck!?”  and rush my boy off the phone. “Hey, man, I have to get off the phone. I’m gonna call you back.”

“You good?” he asks.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” I say. “She just hit me with something crazy though. I’ll call you back.”

I hang up the phone and begin typing away furiously.

Me: Girl, are you crazy? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT!?

This news changes everything because I know about the dealer. The dealer, obviously, deals drugs. Ol’ Girl told me about him back when we first started sleeping with each other months ago, when they were on the outs,  which is how I got in in the first place. It should be noted, the dealer wasn’t some small time drug runner, nickel-and-diming on the corners. He was one of those dealers rappers rap about being but never are.

OlGirl: Oh relax. He’s harmless lol

Me: Girl, look, everyone knows drug dealers are not afraid of two things: Getting killed and going to jail.

OlGirl: LOL! Stop, he’s actually afraid of both. He tells me all the time.

Me: Well, he ain’t afraid of me, and that’s enough for me.

OlGirl: LOL! You’re trippin…it’s all good, can I come over tonight?

(I’m changing Ol’ Girl’s name to Ol’ Fool. She must think I’m crazy. I’m not about to let her anywhere near my apartment knowing what I know now. Besides, we always  keep things at her place, never at mine. She doesn’t even know where I live. Now that I knew her man is a professional drug dealer, no way am I letting her anywhere near my place.

There’s only one problem. Because I know this is the end, I want her right now. One more time, but not tonight. Right now.)

Me: Hell. No. You cannot come over tonight, not ever for that matter. The only way you can come over is if you come over right now.

OlGirl: What? I’m at work.

Me: I know. Tell them you have a doctor’s appointment, leave right now, and tell them you’ll be back by 1:00.

(It is 10 o’clock.)

OlGirl: I can’t.

Me: Well, it’s either now or never until your situation changes. Shit is too risky otherwise.

OlGirl: Hold on…brb….

(While I wait, I go back to my room to do a quick count of my condoms, make sure I won’t have to make a store run. Two were in the tin. Yep, that was enough. I go back to my computer screen.)

OlGirl: Okay, I’m on my way. Be ready.

Me: Cool, and just FYI, this is the last time for a long time. I can’t do this anymore

Ol’ Girl Has Gone Offline