Until I Get Married

Ladies, sit down. I have some news to share with you.

Are you sitting? Good.

I know this is going to come as a shock to some of you, and to those who already know, apologies for preaching to the choir. But for those who don’t, or haven’t heard the news, I do not want to have sex with all of you. Not all the time. Not even some of the time.

Now, calm down ladies. Stop crying. Don’t roll your eyes. Stay calm. Yes, I know what Lil Wayne, Drake, and the rest of Young Money said. Yes, I like the song too. No, I don’t live by it.

Allow me to explain my reasons. Keep in mind, I don’t speak for all men, but I ask that if any men read this and agree, please co-sign in the comments or, if you have your own reasons share them. Ladies need to know that sometimes, we just don’t want any.

I’M BROKE

I know I talk about this a lot on my blog but I only do it because I’m not rich. In any case, yes, my financial state can have an effect on my libido. Nothing kills my sex drive like overdraft fees.

I JUST ATE. A LOT

Girl, I just had a huge steak, baked potato, and a side of creamed spinach, which is the magic recipe for a nap.

AUNT FLOW IS STILL AROUND

Aunt Flow’s things are at the door and she’s about to leave. I understand, but I’m not going back inside until she’s left entirely. Put the towels back.

THE GAME IS ON

Girl, what are you doing? Seriously.

YOU DID SOMETHING UGLY

Earlier today, you did something ugly. It was this face you made when you were trying to get the remote to work. I can’t really explain what it looked like, but I have been trying to get it out of my head all day and until I do, I’m sorry, I just can’t.

So there you have it ladies, five reasons why I’m telling you no while your clothes are off. But don’t worry, these things never last long. Sooner than later, I will have some money in my pocket, your Aunt flow will be gone, my food will digest, the game will come to an end, and instead of remembering that face you made while you were trying to get the remote to work, I will remember the face you made the last time I said yes, when your clothes were off.