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A Condom Dilemma

September 21st, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

Last week, I had to make a quick run into my local CVS Drug Store.

There I was in the aisle where the condoms are, enclosed in a glass case right next to the pregnancy tests and right across from the pampers. As I was waiting for one of the store’s clerks to assist me, I looked in the case (why these stores always keep the condoms in a locked case in neighborhoods where the teenage pregnancy rate is out of control will always boggle my mind) and started to break down the choices:

I could get the three-pack of condoms for $4.99

Or I could get the 12-pack of condoms for $12.99

Or I could get the 36-pack of condoms for $18.99

Because I was in a CVS where bad service was the rule, not the exception, I had more than enough time to ponder which option was the best for me. But instead of using the price points to determine my decision, I was calculating the circumstances behind each purchase.

THE THREE-PACK

Best for the random hook-up, I thought. After all, who actually plans to only use three condoms? Nobody. That’s who.

The three-pack of condoms is the contraception equivalent of buying a loosie*. It’s for those of us who are not committed to the person we’re about to have sex with, nor do we have plans to be after the night is over. Much like the corner stores, 7-Elevens, and gas stations where three-packs are the preferred purchase, a three-pack of condoms are for those of us who want to be in and out, quickly. It should also be noted, I would never go to a drug store to buy a three-pack of condoms. The other stores I mentioned sell them at least a dollar cheaper.

THE 12-PACK

Somehow, the girl with whom I only intended to use a three-pack, has managed to stay around longer than the weekend. Turns out, we actually enjoyed the random hook-up and we want to do it again, and again, and again, and again, and again. After buying my fifth three-pack, the math behind the 12-pack just made more sense.

THE 36-PACK

Thirty-six dollars may not be a lot of money, but 36 condoms is a lot of sex with the same person if you’re not in a relationship with them. To wit:

I once told a woman I was sleeping with it was her turn to buy the condoms. We just ran out of our box of 12. When I went to her place that night and it was time for us to do what I came to do, I reached into the drawer where she kept the condoms.

Searching, with my hands, not with my eyes, I felt the condoms, but this time, they weren’t folded up in a small, manageable box of 12. My hands were feeling a sea of condoms, in a box the same size as one used to package old cell-phones. I thought, Damn, these are a lot of condoms. So many, in fact, when the girl and I were done using one of 36, I said to her, “Umm, are you planning on sleeping with someone else?”

“No,” she said. “Why?”

“Cause you bought 36-condoms, girl! Those can’t all be for me!”

We both laughed, but the truth in my jest was a box of 36 condoms is pressure. This is why only committed couples relationship should be buying the 36-pack of condoms, or as I like to call it, the Costco-sized pack.

Back at CVS, a sales clerk finally came over to me.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

Lost in thought, I didn’t answer.

“Did you need me to open the case?” she said to me.

“Umm, no,” I said, snapping out of my meditation on condoms. “My head hurts. Where’s your Tylenol?”

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*For those who don’t know, click here for the definition of a loosie.

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  • camilosmith

    i have that same problem. Where I’m at right now condoms (the tre-pack) are about 2 dollars more dinero.

  • Ava

    LOL! I never considered that option. I always just buy the big box.
    1. It is cheaper. We are in a recession.
    2. I might need to give a few to my roomie in a pinch. We have all had that happen.
    3. Condoms have a shelf life of like 2 years. I do plan on getting some action in the next 730 days. If not with my current, with someone else. (Let’s just be real)

  • thedlife

    LOL…I love hearing things from a man’s point of view because I swear I never thought about condoms like that. I always just bought a 12 pack and assumed it would last me close to a month before the next refill. Who the hell needs Steve Harvey to think like a man when we have you, lol. Another great post!

  • Yogee

    Just a thought….

    Purchasing the Costco sized condoms and putting the box in a storage place (somewhere out of sight), but then pulling out a handful at a time for actual use. You know, Jedi Mindtrick yourself. This way you get the benefit of a sound financial purchase feeling the “pressure” of being obligated to have at least 36 sex sessions with one person. As if THAT’S so horrible. LOL

  • http://www.chuckcity.vox.com Chuck

    Who cares.. As long as you got something, your good. I’ve definitely been in multiple situations when I didn’t have any or just one. No good. A lot, a little, who cares as long as you got something..

  • http://blackfemmefatale.wordpress.com Jolie Fatale

    I cant remember the last time I bought condoms. I always leave it up to the guy. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. L I know I’m not having s8x without a condom so if he wants it bad enough he’ll run out and get one .. I live by a double standard. shoot me.:)

  • http://newolddawn.blogspot.com Dawn

    Haven’t you heard? The hood pharmacies keep their condoms locked in a case because they are the #1 most shoplifted item in those areas where teenage pregnancy rates are highest. Lol.

  • Jackie

    Totally agree with you…But if you look at Jozen’s eariler posts he would say that women who are smart should have condoms. I personally can easily call the whole thing off when there is no condom.

  • Nix

    Hilarious! I enjoyed the read and totally understand the thought process.
    Unfortunately, I am one of those females that has to purchase their own condoms because of health reasons. Yes I said it! I am allergic to latex and it will make sex so damn painful. Sooooo. . . I have to keep a stash of the expensive nonlatex alternative. a 12-pack for me . . . $50!! I’ve got to put condoms in my budget, so who has the dilemma now? lol

  • Malaca Jones

    LMAO!

  • Malaca Jones

    He meant to say if men were smart… How are you suppose to know the size or what’s comfortable for someone else? And in another post he said that he hated the planned parenthood condoms. Too many rules and… BYOC.

  • Malaca Jones

    Hey Jozen, what would you do if instead of a female saying that she was a virgin, she said she was allergic to those cheap a$$ cvs latex condoms you just pulled out of your Costco pack?

  • Stef

    The economy pack is always the best bet. Cheaper sex because of the cost per condom. Most folks done spent enough money already on the date, dinner, or the liquor so might as well keep it cost effective. Also you can get that same 36 pack at Walmart for $14.78 plus tax.

  • Delishia

    These comments were just as funny as the post! Lol

  • Incognito

    The 3-pack at the conner store is actually 2.59. X4 = 10.36. Only way to beat that is to get your 12-pack from walmart or target, not the drug store.

  • jay

    The anti-family, family pack.