Things a Man Can't Do If He Gets Caught Cheating
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I originally wrote this post a year or so ago, when I was at VIBE, but since then, I’ve gained a lot of new readers. Since I have writer’s block today, I decided to unearth this post originally titled, “It’s Like Moving Mountains.” Enjoy!
Let’s talk about cheating. Or even better, let’s talk about what happens when a man gets caught cheating.
Ideally, if a man gets caught cheating, the woman will leave him. But realistically, this won’t happen.
In my experience and the experiences of a few others with whom I’ve spoken, a woman done wrong doesn’t just up and leave. She wants to try to “make it work”, regain the trust they’ve lost. She loves him. She wants to forgive him. Or, worst case scenario, torture him with guilt.
Meanwhile, the man is stuck with a woman who no longer trusts him and rightfully so. Besides the constant worry of the woman flipping the script and doing us wrong like we did her, we must also adjust to the new rules of a relationship torn by infidelity. They are as follows:
THINGS YOU CAN NO LONGER DO IF YOU GET CAUGHT CHEATING
WATCH MOVIES CONTAINING INFIDELITY SCENES
This probably deserves a sub list filled with movies that can be accurately described as infidelity movies, but I’m not going to make that list because guys know them. What I will do is list the two genres of film where infidelity is most likely to occur.
- Feel-good Romantic Comedies: In order for their to be a happy ending in a romantic comedy, there must be a sad middle, which usually consists of a man doing something he shouldn’t be doing.
- Movies Where the Woman Is Cheating: If you’re is still dating the woman youcheated on,never ever let her watch one of these wacked out films where the female character is feeling all liberated and wants to hit every dude in sight because she’s bored with her relationship or mad at her man or some other crazy reason. In other words, never let your woman see Unfaithful, because she probably already has, and if he’s lucky, she forgot all about it.
DON’T EVER BE LATE
As a matter of fact, don’t ever even be on time. Be early. Just be early and ask her why she’s running late. This takes the attention away from you. The day you run late for something as small as dropping off a pair of socks she forgot at your place, your woman will start acting like Bill Duke in Menace II Society.
NEVER EVER LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN
In the beginning, most women have a pretty good disposition towards us men making second glances at another woman. They understand that just because we’re on a diet doesn’t mean we won’t look at a menu. But once we’ve been caught doing some dirt, it’s best if we avoid all eye contact with another woman. Even if another woman is looking at you, don’t look back. Go tell on her to your woman.
NO NEW PASSWORDS
Whether it’s your keyguard lock on your phone or your login password for one of these social networking websites, don’t even think of putting a password lock on your stuff or changing the old one. You should’ve thought of that the first time, homie. It’s too late now. Just live with the fact that your woman will always know your passwords for everything is your mother’s birth date backwards.
NEVER GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS WITHOUT INVITING HER
It used to be all you would have to do is check in with your lady and let her know, you’re going out with your boys. Then, as she became more and more possessive, you needed to do more than notify her, you needed to make sure you two didn’t have plans and she didn’t want to do anything. But ever since your woman found out what really goes down with your boys, you are now forced to invite her everywhere you go. This includes that bachelor party where the invite says in big neon letters, “Guys Only”. And there are no plus ones unless your woman is going with you. If not, it’s plus none, because neither of you are going.
Any other new rules, people? Leave them in the comments.