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An Unreasonable List of Things That Turn Me Off

I have a quiet list of turn-offs. I’ve kept it quiet because it really makes no sense to anyone but me, and honestly, whenever a woman does do one of the things on my list, I usually let it slide. No big deal, I just wish in my head she wouldn’t have done that.

Now I have decided to share my list with the world. Here it is:

Ordering a Burrito from Chipotle

A month or so ago, I was reading the latest copy of GQ while eating my three hard shell steak tacos at Chipotle, when out of nowhere, this cutie approached me and asked, “Mind if I join you?” Flattered, I said, “Sure.” The girl put down her things, then went to order her food. When she came back, the cute, svelte girl gained ten pounds right before my eyes. Why? She had a burrito in her hand the size of her forearm. What’s worse, she attempted to do the lady like thing, and cut off a portion for later, but instead of cutting it in half, she cut only a quarter of it off.  To me, this implied the portion she cut and wrapped up to eat later wasn’t for dinner (it was too small for that) it was for a snack. I continued reading my magazine.

Knowing and Reciting The Lyrics to Hardcore Rap Songs

It is perfectly okay to rap every word to “Juicy” by Notorious B.I.G. It was all a dream/I used to read Word Up! Magazine/Salt-n-Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine. Couplets like those are for men and women.

It is not okay for a woman to rap every word to Notorious B.I.G.’s “Gimme The Loot.” You ain’t got to explain sh*t/I’ve been robbin’ m*therf*ckers since the slave ship/with the same clip/and the same 4-5/two-point blank, a m*therf*cker’s sure to die. I’m sorry, those lyrics just don’t sound right coming out of a woman’s mouth.

Too Into Sports

A woman can root for my team, or one of her own. She can be passionate about her team and their performance and get all into the game.

She cannot start asking for chest bumps whenever her team scores or wins. No hi-fives of fury either. Hugs, cheek kisses, victory sex. Those are the things a woman should be doing if she’s happy her team has won.

A Yahoo Email Address

One of my ex-girlfriends who I remain friends with to this day, and is fine as the day is long, still has a Yahoo email address, but I just call her when I want to keep in touch. As for Hotmail? It’s getting there, but I’m still accepting those.

Bad at Jeopardy

I’m not a hardcore Jeopardy fan, but if it’s on, I’ll keep it there for at least one round. One time, I was watching Jeopardy with a girl who I thought to be rather intelligent. The round had all these categories I wasn’t well versed on, so I watched in silence. Why make a fool of myself if I didn’t know the correct questions? Apparently the woman I was with thought she knew them all, so she kept on yelling out all the wrong answers and they were soooooooo wrong. Like that scene in White Men Can’t Jump where Rosie Perez’s character is on the show and the answer is “He is the only basketball player ever to score 100 points in a game” and Perez’s character says, “Who is Babe Ruth?” Yeah, the woman I was with kept on being wrong like that.

Her Own Porn Collection

I appreciate a woman who is into porn, who gets turned on by the occasional graphic sex scene. But if she has a collection of videos that looks like something I would find in the my friend’s dad’s attic, I’m going to be troubled.

Ordering Root Beer

For the life of me, I don’t know why, but for my money, a woman ordering Root Beer is categorically my biggest turn-off . And if she orders a root beer to wash down a Chipotle burrito, we’re not even going to be on speaking terms.

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  • Lexi

    Daaaamn lol… I would be offended… If I really cared lol. Not only do I ALWAYS recite the worst lil Wayne lyrics at random times, but root beer is my shit!! Lol how can you hate on that!!! But,as someones already mentioned.. People are allowed to have unreasonable turnoffs. I know I can’t stand a man that has chubby fingers.. Or one that wears any form of flips flops (this includes WITH socks. That’s actually worse than the flip flops alone!!!) men who wear Ed hardy and don’t forget men who stink of black and milds. But the biggest unreasonable turnoff? A man that can’t watch my cartoons with me! How we gonna get along if you hate south park and boondocks and family guy?! We WON’T!!! Especially if you complain or have the NERVE to change the channel to basketball like I’m not even here. Date is over… Lose my number…

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  • Ivy

    Hey! I love rootbeer! 😀

  • E.E.

    I’m glad my fiance doesn’t think like you. I down a Chipotle burrito every weekend (saving half for later is for n00bs), yet have no trouble staying below 120 pounds at 5’6. Agree that this is one of the more sexist things I’ve ever read.

  • Kimberlee Stiens

    But Root Beer is SOOOO good! And agreed with E.E. : Granted, I’m not 120 lbs, but the idea that a skinny woman can’t eat whatever she wants? Lame!

    The other parts that bothered me were the double standards. And yes, I know that women have them for men too. But I know every word to Gimme the Loot, and I don’t see why, as a women, I shouldn’t be allowed to. And the idea that a girl has to be girly even when engaging in a good sports-watching session-an often NOT girly endeavor- is silly. I mean, you’re reasonably funny, but you’re kind of a sexist dick. Good luck.

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