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We Were Together For Like Two Weeks

November 16th, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

The relationships I count with the women who I call ex-girlfriends, have all made an impact on me. They are women who, for better or worse, I laughed with, cried with, went through some stuff with, and maybe even loved. They were the type to make me change my Relationship status on Facebook, or if we were together when Facebook didn’t exist, I would hold their hand in public, in front of other girls who at some time or another, I wanted to make my ex-girlfriend too.

Those women, the ex-girlfriends, are easy to think about, probably because the memories I have of them are rich with experiences. Two people, together like team, going through high points and low, hand-in-hand. Easy stuff to remember. Their stories are neat and some of them are still around, popping up on my caller ID every now and then to check on me and see how I’m doing. So in many ways, the stories are still being told, even if it’s gone from a sweet romance to a coming-of-age tale of guy and girl who once were together and later found they were better as friends.

But what of the women who I don’t call my ex-girlfriends, because, well, we were never in a relationship. The women who I was with for like two weeks (maybe more), but often find occupying the same amount of space in my thoughts as the women with whom I was in a relationship.

The one thing I have realized since I started living on my own in the real world, is how relationships are nothing like they show in televisions sitcoms or movies. In my life, relationships have not always been neat or worthy of a status change, but in retrospect, these strange arrangements mattered too.

My last formal relationship with a girl I called my girlfriend, was a little less than two years ago. Since then, I’ve found myself in many relationships just not in a formal sense. There were some more casual than others, and some lasting longer than others, but in retrospect, all matter deeply.

Women who I was with for like two weeks or two days, do not get discredited from my memory bank because I was with them for like two weeks or two days. They stay in the picture too, as a matter of fact, they’re the details that help make my picture stand out.

These days, I don’t even trip over where a relationship is going, if it’s going anywhere at all. As a matter of fact, I don’t even trip over the word relationship, and anyone who is worrying about where their “thing” is going is worrying about the wrong thing.

What’s really important in a relationship, even if we’re not calling it that, is respect. No amount of time should go by before respect is given. And anyone using the status of their relationship to dictate their behavior is probably doing so because they only know black or white, and have never seen the gray, like some of us have.

When I look back on all my relationships, I think I’ve learned as much from the one I didn’t call my girlfriend as the one I did. I may have been with her for like two weeks and I may have never seen her again, but she matters too. She is the details.

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  • Dililah

    I’m smiling. 🙂

  • Cicely

    I really enjoyed this post. What you have revealed comes only with maturity.

  • BoomShots

    Aaaggh yes, maturity.
    “Maturity is that time when the mirrors in our mind turn to windows and instead of seeing the reflection of ourselves we see others.”

    Sometime i think the greatest obstacles to relationship are TV and movies because so many of our expectations are shaped by what we view on a screen rather than what we experience. In my relationship history, I have always made a distinction between “girlfriends” and “dated”. So much so that it is not even if they referred to me as their man but if I affirmed them as my woman.

    Of the casual relationships I have had with women some of those connections have outlived by decades any connections with the former girlfriends and that fact alone acknowledges to me that those people were far more relevant in my life than those who I may have claimed as a part of my life. There are a few former “girfriends” who I look back at today and wonder what the hell was I thinking. I thank my lucky star that it never worked out or they got pregnant or we would be tied for life.

    “But for the grace of God goes I..’ are thoughts not very far from my mind when I think about some of the women, I have loved before.

    The ties we establish as adults contribute a lot into shaping the kind of person we choose to become. Real connections open you up to new and challenging experiences that can abruptly change one’s life course for better or worse. There is a line of thinking that every interraction changes us in some way, some small and insignificant and others radically. Some changes are positive and others negative in their effect.

  • Teach It

    “These days, I don’t even trip over where a relationship is going, if it’s going anywhere at all. As a matter of fact, I don’t even trip over the word relationship, and anyone who is worrying about where their “thing” is going is worrying about the wrong thing.”

    So what’s the purpose in even being involved in a relationship if you aren’t working towards something? Such a nonchalant approach to a relationship where feelings, time, and energy is involved is what makes some people cynical and gives other an easy way out of responsibilty and commitment.

  • BrookeChanel

    Great read. Besides, a peak at a man’s vulnerability can be so sexy.

  • LumbarPuncture

    I have to agree with Teach It. I don’t understand how you can be involved with someone if you’re not working towards anything! In a relationship, there’s a difference between forcing certain types of behaviors based off of labels or societal expectations and meandering mindlessly. Where’s the motivation in maintaining your relationship if you don’t have some end goal in sight?

    It seems to me that by avoiding the placement of some boundaries (like the ones that would be implied with using the term “relationship”), you’re leaving yourself open to a lot of messy situations. How is she to know whether or not you both are exclusive? And if you make that distinction of being exclusive, doesn’t that by default mean you’re in a relationship whether or not you choose to call it that? This cliche seems most appropriate at this time: A rose by any other name is still a rose.

    It seems that you want to avoid the so-called limitations that can come with defining a relationship or having a plan but I’m not sure that going in the opposite direction makes anymore sense.

    Either way, this was a very interesting read

  • http://manamongboys.com TrueMan

    I guess I’m going to have to be the one to break the “love chain” here. Brotha, please, if she meant that much to you, she would have stuck around longer than two weeks. She was fun and might have been exciting, but you’re being a bit dramatic here.

  • http://www.this-is-my-brain.blogspot.com S

    Exactly! But a lot of guys are taking this approach these days – I don’t get it. Gray is overrated.

  • Dana

    Great Post! Pensive.

  • Right?

    I also have to agree with teach it. I get your point but this seems like a cop out. If a dude told me he doesn’t trip off where a relationship is going that would mean he just wants to hit and if *HE* felt like he was digging me enough maybe more. But it puts everything on his terms and in the event I start “the talk” I’d quickly be met with some bs. Calling a spade a spade homes.

  • Nichole

    Bravo Jozen. Bravo

  • Kate

    Totally agree. No matter how short the time together, you have to treat each other with as respect, kindness and dignity. Now if only men knew how to spell those three words.

  • Leah J

    To all the people tripping off of not trying to figure out where things are going: The joy is in the journey, not only the destination. And when you’re so caught up in where you are going instead of looking where you are, important details get missed.

    All that pressure to BE something instead of actually BEING something is where people get twisted. It’s like the folks who are so hellbent on getting married because they are in love with the idea of marriage instead of the person they’re actually with. Way to work yourself toward divorce. The moment matters, people.

  • Anonymous

    “What’s really important in a relationship, even if we’re not calling it that, is respect. No amount of time should go by before respect is given.”

    This right here is the truth. The only part of your post that I’d disagree with is not placing any kind of importance on the possible track of a relationship. I think it’s important to consider & evaluate its potential longevity and direction once things get to a certain point.