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Shaky Relationship Advice Part 1

December 1st, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

I don’t really do relationship advice because well, honestly, what do I know about maintaining a healthy relationship with any woman? My blog is about being a bachelor, not being a boyfriend.

But, in spite of all my mess-ups in past relationships, no matter how they ended, there has always been a take-away of sorts. We may not have worked, but there were parts of us, small moments, that did. From those moments, I have learned the importance of details, something people often forget the longer they stay together. So whenever a friend of mine who is in a relationship comes to me for advice because their relationship is trending downward, I look back on my own history, and think about what worked for me.

Today, I begin my first installment of Shaky Relationship Advice. I say “shaky” because I don’t really know if it’s going to work or not, but I do believe it’s worth a shot. Just remember I’m no expert, I’m just experienced. Let’s begin the session.

EMBRACE THE POWER OF TELEVISION

In any relationship, people have arguments — disagreements, over an extend period of time. Your partner doesn’t want to let go of what you did or said and he or she is beefing the minute you walk through the door. Next thing you know, you’re throwing up your arms talking about, “I’m out of here!”

You go back to your place plop down on the couch, take off your shoes, and turn on the TV. On your cable box, you see it’s 8:00 p.m., one more hour before you and your partner’s favorite show, “Modern Family” is about to come on ABC. It’s a comedy you two have watched since the first episode, and it’s only a half hour, but it’s a funny half hour. Every week after you two watch it, you’re quoting lines from the latest episode, and laughing about certain scenes together.

Now, for the first time since the show began, you two are about to watch the show alone and for what? Why? What was so big of a deal that you two can’t watch your favorite show together? I’m pretty sure whatever it was, it wasn’t so severe that you have to break this weekly tradition of watching “Modern Family”. So you call up your partner and say, “Hey, look. Why are we fighting?” Your partner is sure to launch into another tirade about why you two are beefing. My advice is let them talk, or yell, until their blue in the face. When your partner winds down, and turns it back to you for a response, say this:

“Okay, I understand. It sounds serious, and you’re right we should talk about it. How about I come back over, bring some take out from our favorite spot, eat, watch our show together, then discuss.”

I don’t know one person who wouldn’t agree with this plan. In my previous relationships, no matter how severe the argument, a good television show usually was the best mediator. Not only did it put an argument on ice for the amount of time it was on, but it also calmed waters to the point where once the show was finished, and we picked up the argument where we left off, cooler heads prevailed and it wasn’t so much an argument anymore as much as it was a conversation. If the argument is forgotten by the time the show ends, than it was never too serious to begin with.

To take it one step further, try and be open to watching a show your partner enjoys more than you. This is about compromise. If you’re a man who has a woman who loves a show like “Gossip Girl”, well, get into it, man. But don’t let her run the DVR, you have to put your foot down and say, “Hey, if I have to watch “Gossip Girl”, you have to watch “Curb Your Enthusiasm”.” Any woman worth her salt will agree to those terms.

I understand suggesting good television shows will help dead arguments or couples get a long better is a lot like saying feed a whale two Tylenol if they have a headache. It’s a very basic approach, but when you think about it, the longer we’re with people, the more often we forget about that very thing: The basics.

Turn on the TV. Let me know how it goes.

  • me-me

    this might work if you argued over using the last bit of toothpaste or forgetting to put the toilet seat down for the tenth time…that’s a cute olive branch.

    accepting take out and watching tv from a partner that committed a deal breaker (insert your own) might be a set up. make sure all the silverware is plastic. if you and your partner were sexually active and the sex was consistantly horrible..chances are you are not arguing about (insert argument topic), they’re picking fights so you can just leave and they won’t feel bad for stepping out….

    lol

    but in reality… love doesn’t keep a record of wrong doing—hence love being blind–.. so someone consistantly bringing up the same offense is someone who doesn’t have the courage to forgive.

  • http://www.metanotherfrog.com Skye Blue

    Hmmm…interesting advice.

    Although TV wouldn’t do it for me, I hear you on taking some time to do something you enjoy together so cooler heads prevail when discussing a difficult issue.

    It’s never a good idea to let strong emotions get the best of you. Nothing is worth flying off the handle and saying things in a moment of anger that you will regret later.

    I’ve found that taking time to review the circumstances that got me upset in the first place (for example, what my man actually said vs. how I interpreted his words) usually helps me get calm enough to have a more ‘rational’ discussion. Usually (at least for me) there’s often a world of difference between the actual events/words spoken in a given situation and the meaning the events/words take on in the mind of the person experiencing/hearing them.

  • http://www.metanotherfrog.com Skye Blue

    LOL – killing me with the ‘make sure all the silverware is plastic’.

  • Danielle D

    LOL this would work unless there is a serious…serious…serious offense. For instance, I learned of something from my boyfriend that wasn’t right the same night we were to go to a play. So I was like what should I do…argue before the play or after…I chose after. So we go to the play as if nothing is wrong (drop a few hints that I was some what pissed) we watch the play it was Hilarious we left grabbed some food and probably acted a damn fool on the way back to his place. When he sat down I brought everything to his attention leaving him dumbfounded. I forgave him after thoroughly discussing everything.

  • Danielle D

    Oh but I haven’t forgotten…and I am not harping either…I am just keeping the situation in my minds file cabinet of this relationship.

  • http://naturibeauty.com/blog Naturi Beauty/Shelley Chapman

    I love this post. Someone has to be the bigger person and when we reflect higher consciousness to our partner, by listening and making room to deal with our issues…then if that person is your mirror (and they probably are since they’re with you) they will definitely come to settle terms.

  • uhn huh

    Hmmmm… maybe, but I’m not convinced- I like to get straight to the meat and potatoes pearsonally (f*ck beating around the bush). “Watch our show”(I think not)… I mean what is the objective…to watch the show with your boo or resove the issue… The point is- if you really just want to work things out then why not just work it out FIRST- show or no show… why go through the backdoor? Let’s just be adults- How about this instead… call and ask what’s wrong, REALLY try to resolve the issue or just apologize and then come back over for a little make-up face/fun time(dessert) and I guess we can watch the show too.

  • http://www.lgrmag.com Paige

    Cute.

  • http://www.twitter.com/vneezie18 Vanessa

    Nice lol! He should cook for me while he’s at it for temporary amnesia (maybe). I def agree with Skye Blue – you should never let emotions get the best of you when arguing. Good post.

  • LumbarPuncture

    But you have to remember that not everybody functions like that. Just because someone rather talk about the details after the show doesn’t mean they’re not being an adult. They just have a different way of going about their business and both parties have to be accepting of that difference.

    I know that for me personally, the TV thing probably wouldn’t work. I have to have my space to rationalize my thoughts and get over the initial emotions. To me there’s nothing worse than sitting next to someone you don’t like at the moment and faking the funk. All throughout the show I’d just be thinking about how much I want to choke that person! So it’s better to just give the needed space until both people are ready.

  • *inquiring mind*

    seriously?… you’ve just cosigned every man that’s ever shhhh his wife/girlfriend during a game- smh… Let a mofo shhh me tho- LOL

  • LumbarPuncture

    *inquiring mind* :
    seriously?… you’ve just cosigned every man that’s ever shhhh his wife/girlfriend during a game- smh… Let a mofo shhh me tho- LOL

    I’m not sure how my statement relates to that but that’s not where I was going. This is one of my guy tendencies…don’t talk during my show of you get a “ssshhh!”….lol

  • http://www.twitter.com/project29 Nadine

    Great advice and GREAT show!

    Cam is my favorite.
    “I can’t turn it off, it’s who I am” – Cam

  • http://occonfessions.wordpress.com 24karats

    I just want to say kudos that you chose Modern Family as the exemplary favorite tv show. Love. That. Show!!!

  • Charlyn

    for me it was “the boondocks.” it cured any tension and we were dying laughing by the end. great post.

  • Nicole

    This post reminds me of talking to my ex-father-in-law. He was always good for saying, “I’m not the one to listen to.” before he offered any advice about our relationship. I tend to qualify my advice in the same way. I have been single for a long time and the best advice I’ve ever given is to talk it out. I have found that this advice didn’t work at all in my last relationship. Super frustrating trying to have a conversation with someone that would much rather continue to watch television show after show after show as long as it kept the important converations from happening.

  • E

    great advice. i’m a TV person, he was not. but we could at least agree on old episdoes of Martin. wish i had this advice 9 months ago. good look.

  • E

    ahhh, a typo. episodes*

  • ebonifire

    some of you are lovely people i’m sure but your comments suggest you take yourselves to seriously. here’s my unsolicited advice: look at yourself in the mirror and laugh once in a while. best advice of 2009.

  • http://twitter.com/dymedivainc Diva Personified

    Take Aways – don’t make decisions when you’re upset. Allow cooler heads to prevail. Whether it be watching a show or grabbin a shower.

    We have to control over emotions rather than having them control us, don’t let them dictate ur actions. Use all your faculties to make ypour decisions because the emotional you is just one part of you. They should all be on board or majority (lol)

    Great post! Opens up a lot more areas for thought.

  • http://twitter.com/dymedivainc Diva-Personified

    Take Aways – don’t make decisions when you’re upset. Allow cooler heads to prevail. Whether it be watching a show or grabbin a shower, just allow for time to rationalize and look @ the situation sans the emotions

    We have to control over emotions rather than having them control us, don’t let them dictate ur actions. Use all your faculties to make ypour decisions because the emotional you is just one part of you. They should all be on board or majority (lol)

    Great post! Opens up a lot more areas for thought.

  • Sunni B

    Simply the truth! Kudos!

  • Pingback: Shaky Relationship Advice Part 2 « Until I Get Married

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    Never thought of something like this. Will employ it next time we get into an argument. If you want I’ll come back and let you know how it went lol.