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Shaky Relationship Advice Part 2

December 9th, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

As I said in my first installment of “Shaky Relationship Advice“, I really don’t know if any of this stuff works. All I know is that it worked for me at some point or another.

That being said, I really, really have no idea whether or not the advice I’m about to give today has ever worked or will ever work. It’s in regards to cheating, specifically, how a woman can keep her man from cheating if she is ever worried about such a thing.

Already I can hear the dissenters commenting saying I’m an idiot. Already I can hear them saying, “A man’s going to cheat if he wants to, it doesn’t matter.” Already I can anticipate more than a few side eyes and “psssshhhh”‘s from my readers.

Oh well. All I’m doing is trying to offer up some friendly advice. Think of me as the friend who you ask for advice from and never end up taking anyway. That’s me. I’m that guy.  Let me also remind people, I’m no expert, but I am experienced.

So here it is, my advice, my not yet proven but worthwhile approach to how to get your man to not cheat:

EVERY TIME YOUR MAN GOES OUT YOU GO OUT TOO

Does everyone understand what I’m saying or do I need to paint a visual?

I’ll paint a visual.

I just lined up some face time with my woman on the side and at the 11th hour, I give my main woman a call to cancel some plans the two of us made a week or so ago. The conversation goes something like this.

Me: Hey baby, look here, umm, I have to [insert lame excuse here] tonight, so I’m going to have to cancel our plans.

Her: Oh, sweetie, I’m so happy you called cause I was just about to call you to do the same.

Me: Do what the same?

Her: Cancel the plans.

Me: Huh? What? Why?

Her: Oh my girl just called me up talking about her friend is in town with all his friends and they want us to go out with them.

Now note, my woman never had plans in the first place. She’s just acting like she did to keep me honest. But the key is, she didn’t hesitate when I originally canceled on her. Not only did she sound unfazed by my last-minute cancellation, she sounded relieved because she had “plans of her own.” Her composure is why I am now on my end of the phone, stunned in silence.

Her: Hello? Baby you there?

Me: Umm, yeah, I’m here. Wait, you’re about to go out right now?

Her: Well, in like an hour. I just laid out my dress and I’m about to hop in the shower.

Two key things here: She said “dress”, but she didn’t say which one because she wants me to ask which one. I won’t take the bait though. She also said “about to hop in the shower” and now I’m imagining her naked in the shower and all of a sudden a night with my woman on the side doesn’t sound appealing. But before I change plans, she adds a couple more extras.

She turns on getting-ready-to-go-out music in the background loud as hell and starts humming along, which means I have to raise my voice to be heard.

Me: HEY BABY! BABY!? CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?

Her: WHAT?! HOLD ON, I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LET ME TURN THIS DOWN!

She turns down the music.

Me: Baby, look, I just got an email from my co-worker saying we’re all done here. I can actually get out of here. Would you be down to stay in with me tonight?

Her: That’s kind of messed up, they have a limo and table reservations.

Me: Fuck. The. Limo. Put away your dress and keep the shower running. I’ll be there in ten minutes, so get in in five minutes and leave the door unlocked or a key under the mat, and I’ll be in the shower with you before you know it.

Her: [Sighs] Fine. But she’s going to be really disappointed and now we better do something fun cause I was looking forward.

Me: Whatever. I’ll make it up to you when I get there. Bye.

Her: Bye. See you soooon.

Nothing has ever kept me in check or on my Ps and Qs more than when my woman is about to go out with her girls without me around. Every time a situation like that has occurred, I always pray it isn’t going to be the night my bad karma gets the best of me. Even if a woman doesn’t have a life of her own, she better act like she does so her man stays on point. If every time a man says he’s going out to do his own thing his woman responds with a, “Good, so am I” there is a high probability the man will start curbing his own social life for the sake of curbing his woman’s. Fight fire with fire, even if the fire isn’t real, because sometimes men only respond to what they see in the mirror.

Any man who has ever cheated knows the first person he thinks about after he’s done doing whatever he did is his woman. Usually, he tries to call his woman and if she doesn’t pick up the phone on that first call, that man is tripping, wondering if his woman isn’t picking up the phone because she’s doing the same thing he just got finished doing. The above scenario is an extension of that.

Of course, at some point, such responses are not going to fly and either I’m going to call her bluff or I’m not going to care. But I hope it never gets to that point, because once we stop caring, well, there isn’t any relationship advice in the world that can help.

  • http://at2727.wordpress.com at2727

    hmmmmm, interesting guy. what would you say to do when a guy “takes back” his commitment to a woman (like me) and is now calling/emailing every day because he feels so badly and she (like me) is totally ignoring him, at this point, anyway? how do i get him to invite me over to his bed after all of this, any suggestions? thanks! ruthie

  • *inquiring mind*

    LOL… this couldn’t possibly be the same person that said leave shower lovin to the movies- it’s never as enjoyable as it looks, right?… there you go again pullin isht out yo assets- lol.

    I do get where you’re going tho.

  • K.Ova

    This is my fave post in a while. Steppin your game up, I see. Whatever’s inspiring you, keep it going.

  • P.A

    This was good…very good.

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  • FawnRenee

    I like this post.

  • oc

    This is classic game playing. – So While this has been proven to work, it still disingenuous and can blow up in your face if ur man can tell its a game and doesnt play games.

    When are we going to be grown enough, to stop the games? – Does it ever end?

  • outofhand

    For a second I was doing the wild church hand wave, stomping my feet and then I remembered the kind of man I have. The non-game playing man.
    I will confess that I did this to him and he cut his night with the boys short and kept calling me trying to interrupt my girls night out (he had no idea that me and my girls were sitting in a friends house sealing wedding invites and eating traditional food till the wee hrs of the morning :-D). It was fun for a second to see him blowing up my phone but I felt a tad bit immature after that (mostly after an older girlfriend cussed me out for being immature like that).

    Keeping your man from cheating should not involve game playing, you better look at your relationship, strengthen it the best you can (both of you) and just pray that he does not stray! All the game playing gets tiring after a while.

    Jozen, don’t worry I am not giving you the side eye at all. This is good advice for a certain kind of couple, not the serious kind :-p

  • Nadira Rae

    I agree, the games have to end at some point…how else can two people actually work towards a REAL relationship (not all this “side” and “main” jawn stuff [fyi “jawn is a Philly term])…I’m too old for that ish! However, I must admit…this was HILARIOUS…and I could see plenty of dudes falling for it LOL.

  • Lady-n-the-A

    I have to admit…I loved this article. Going tid-for-tad used to work for me. The suspense was fun…I kinda felt empowered (in the earlier years). At 27, I am soooo over it! Recently had a friend who sent me a text, that he meant to send to someone else..Of course, it made me start to think. After getting advice from friends, I started to go tid-for-tad, but was told I better not start off like that, if I didn’t plan to finish. I was soooooo frustrated, I called him and (of course, got no answer), and kindof cussed him out. As it turnsout, his intentions were not the same as mine, and I’m soooo glad I moved on. I don’t know Jozen, this may work for some, but for me…I’m over it!

  • b

    …i’ve only done this about 50 times. 😉

  • Netreia

    Man, this is so real! That’s all I can, dang…

  • Deen

    I hate games.

    I hate flakes.

    I partake in neither.

    That’s all.

  • http://www.bamcabral.net Bam

    This was mildly amusing.

    I like many other commenters have outgrown game playing and grown into abhorring the patience it takes… However this one: works.

    When I was accepting of the possibility of my man having a side thing (cause shit I had one too), going out when he goes out definitely made him rethink my value and re-enforced my position with him: Main chick.

  • http://fareastside.blogspot.com ebonifire

    Games are inevitable my friend.

    Best line: “Even if a woman doesn’t have a life of her own, she better act like she does so her man stays on point.”

  • Nicole

    Great Post Jozen. I really enjoyed it.

    I think I take a different perspective about the subject though. I think that it is good for individuals in a relationship to have a social life away from their respective partner.

    I took “EVERY TIME YOUR MAN GOES OUT YOU GO OUT TOO” to mean that. It is not healthy for one person to stay at home all the time especially when the other is out and about.

    I laughed so hard because I had a very similar conversation about 15 years ago. Ha!

  • Deen

    Personally, I just don’t have the energy or jealousy to get started with or fall for this stuff. I’m beginning to understand why some people pay for sex. That’s all I’m saying though…

  • Danielle D

    This sounds like something my momma would have told me to do LOL! GOOD STUFF!

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    YESSSSSSSSSSSS. YEEEESSSSSSSS.

  • raya

    I read this about 3 times so far i really like everything u said and it made me think about the things i say when someone cancels on me……thanks for the advice lol

  • Nicole

    doesn’t matter how shaky this is… i’m trying it.
    thanks!

  • Danielle S.

    Genius.

  • http://www.facebook.com/KissyDenise Kissy Denise

    This definitely works. I’ve been doing that for over 10 years..