Shaky Relationship Advice Part 2
As I said in my first installment of “Shaky Relationship Advice“, I really don’t know if any of this stuff works. All I know is that it worked for me at some point or another.
That being said, I really, really have no idea whether or not the advice I’m about to give today has ever worked or will ever work. It’s in regards to cheating, specifically, how a woman can keep her man from cheating if she is ever worried about such a thing.
Already I can hear the dissenters commenting saying I’m an idiot. Already I can hear them saying, “A man’s going to cheat if he wants to, it doesn’t matter.” Already I can anticipate more than a few side eyes and “psssshhhh”‘s from my readers.
Oh well. All I’m doing is trying to offer up some friendly advice. Think of me as the friend who you ask for advice from and never end up taking anyway. That’s me. I’m that guy. Let me also remind people, I’m no expert, but I am experienced.
So here it is, my advice, my not yet proven but worthwhile approach to how to get your man to not cheat:
EVERY TIME YOUR MAN GOES OUT YOU GO OUT TOO
Does everyone understand what I’m saying or do I need to paint a visual?
I’ll paint a visual.
I just lined up some face time with my woman on the side and at the 11th hour, I give my main woman a call to cancel some plans the two of us made a week or so ago. The conversation goes something like this.
Me: Hey baby, look here, umm, I have to [insert lame excuse here] tonight, so I’m going to have to cancel our plans.
Her: Oh, sweetie, I’m so happy you called cause I was just about to call you to do the same.
Me: Do what the same?
Her: Cancel the plans.
Me: Huh? What? Why?
Her: Oh my girl just called me up talking about her friend is in town with all his friends and they want us to go out with them.
Now note, my woman never had plans in the first place. She’s just acting like she did to keep me honest. But the key is, she didn’t hesitate when I originally canceled on her. Not only did she sound unfazed by my last-minute cancellation, she sounded relieved because she had “plans of her own.” Her composure is why I am now on my end of the phone, stunned in silence.
Her: Hello? Baby you there?
Me: Umm, yeah, I’m here. Wait, you’re about to go out right now?
Her: Well, in like an hour. I just laid out my dress and I’m about to hop in the shower.
Two key things here: She said “dress”, but she didn’t say which one because she wants me to ask which one. I won’t take the bait though. She also said “about to hop in the shower” and now I’m imagining her naked in the shower and all of a sudden a night with my woman on the side doesn’t sound appealing. But before I change plans, she adds a couple more extras.
She turns on getting-ready-to-go-out music in the background loud as hell and starts humming along, which means I have to raise my voice to be heard.
Me: HEY BABY! BABY!? CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?
Her: WHAT?! HOLD ON, I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LET ME TURN THIS DOWN!
She turns down the music.
Me: Baby, look, I just got an email from my co-worker saying we’re all done here. I can actually get out of here. Would you be down to stay in with me tonight?
Her: That’s kind of messed up, they have a limo and table reservations.
Me: Fuck. The. Limo. Put away your dress and keep the shower running. I’ll be there in ten minutes, so get in in five minutes and leave the door unlocked or a key under the mat, and I’ll be in the shower with you before you know it.
Her: [Sighs] Fine. But she’s going to be really disappointed and now we better do something fun cause I was looking forward.
Me: Whatever. I’ll make it up to you when I get there. Bye.
Her: Bye. See you soooon.
Nothing has ever kept me in check or on my Ps and Qs more than when my woman is about to go out with her girls without me around. Every time a situation like that has occurred, I always pray it isn’t going to be the night my bad karma gets the best of me. Even if a woman doesn’t have a life of her own, she better act like she does so her man stays on point. If every time a man says he’s going out to do his own thing his woman responds with a, “Good, so am I” there is a high probability the man will start curbing his own social life for the sake of curbing his woman’s. Fight fire with fire, even if the fire isn’t real, because sometimes men only respond to what they see in the mirror.
Any man who has ever cheated knows the first person he thinks about after he’s done doing whatever he did is his woman. Usually, he tries to call his woman and if she doesn’t pick up the phone on that first call, that man is tripping, wondering if his woman isn’t picking up the phone because she’s doing the same thing he just got finished doing. The above scenario is an extension of that.
Of course, at some point, such responses are not going to fly and either I’m going to call her bluff or I’m not going to care. But I hope it never gets to that point, because once we stop caring, well, there isn’t any relationship advice in the world that can help.