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Five Ways A Woman Emasculates Me By Accident

December 30th, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

Anyone who has ever dated me knows I’m somewhat flexible on gender roles. For instance, when it comes to something like cooking, my woman doesn’t have to be the one in the kitchen. I love to cook all the time, probably more than most women I’ve dated, so it’s nothing for me to put on an apron and an oven mitt, talking about “Dinner’s ready!” I also enjoy a woman who makes more money than me, especially if she doesn’t have kids because financially stable women always get me nice shoes.

I’m kidding about that last one.

Sort of.

But there are some moments when I do wish a woman was, well, more like a woman, or she treated me more like a man. I’m not talking about things like calling me the b-word or saying things like, “Man up!” I would never tolerate such talk. What I’m talking about are emasculating moments that are a little more subtle, the times when it wasn’t a woman’s intent to make me feel less like a man, but she did it anyway.

Here are five of those moments.

SHE LIKES HER FOOD SPICY

I enjoy Buffalo wings just like the next man. Also on the list, spicy chips, spicy salsa, and some popcorn with some hot sauce on it. Pretty much, if it’s spicy, I’m eating it. But ever date a woman who really, really likes spicy food? I have, and there’s always a moment in the dating cycle where she is going to see my love for spicy food and raise it up to some hazardous level. Like the time a girl and I went to go get some Buffalo wings at a sports bar. Me? I was content with getting an order of the hot wings. Her? She wanted to get the wings that involved signing waivers, ridding the restaurant of any responsibility should something bad happen to a customer as a result of eating them. Luckily, I won a heated competition of Rock/Paper/Scissors and we ordered the hot wings, but the emasculation still came in the form of my four cups of water to her one.

SHE LIKES HER WATER HOT

One day, somebody needs to do a scientific study on why women like their shower and bath water so fucking hot. Any time I try to do the romantic thing by joining a woman I’m dating for a shower I’m spending half the time secretly trying to turn up the cold water knob, hoping she won’t notice. If it’s a bath, I have to count to ten before I take a full plunge into this body of water from which I see steam rising, because I just know the minute I plop down, my testicles are getting singed. And of course I count to ten in my head so she can’t hear me. And of course I act like the water’s just fine.

SHE STARES, SMACKS, OR GRABS MY A**

It’s not so much the act of grabbing or smacking that makes me feel less like a man. It’s really the rejection of it whenever she does it out in public. No man ever sounds like a man when he says, “Quit grabbing my ass!” As far as the stares I get from a woman whenever I’m wearing a pair of dress pants, it’s almost enough to make me stop doing the same to a woman. Not quite, but almost.

SHE THOROUGHLY BREAKS DOWN GAMES

There is the type of woman who is into sports and doesn’t need me to explain something every five minutes in order to follow the game, and then there’s this type of woman:

“All I’m saying is our team shouldn’t of  punted on that last series.We should’ve gone for it. I know it’s 4th and 2, but we had the defense on their heels. Meanwhile, our special teams have been playing horribly all season, what made him think this was going to be any different? It was gut check time, and now it’s clear our coach has no guts.”

This type of woman is  special, but I don’t know if she’s special to me.

SHE FIXES SOMETHING I CAN’T

Let the record show, I am not the handiest of men, but for the fairer sex I have changed plenty of flat tires, installed a ceiling fan, and assembled a few pieces of furniture in my lifetime. But every once in a while, in my efforts to do something like keep a hanging picture from falling or opening up a jammed drawer, there has been some woman behind me who says, “Move. Let me do this.” And she does it. Easily. Damn her.

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  • http://singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Jaci

    Great post!

    I don’t think I’m much of any of these women although I will say I like my bath & shower SUPER hot.

    It just feels better that way seriously.

    I don’t fix stuff… And if I know about sports well I’m not admitting it!

  • K.Ova

    Holy hell. I’ve been inadvertently emasculating men my whole life. The only exception being that my spicy tolerance is ridic low. I’ll try anything once, but I’ll need some ice & a priest.

    Awesome post. Lmao @ testicle predicament in the tub.

  • shellie

    LOL good one!

  • http://steamywindows.wordpress.com Jamila J

    I’m guilty of some of these things. Especially the things involving the butt. I love a nice butt just like a man. ^_^

  • Pingback: 5 WAYS WOMEN EMASCULATE ME(N) BY ACCIDENT! « Carlton Jordan()

  • http://up4dsn.wordpress.com JSin

    This is a great post. I really enjoyed it. I will definitely be stopping back through to check out some more of your posts. Thanks for sharing!

  • L

    Man up!! LOL. Just kidding! Ok…So I am guilty of at least most what you mention…but I always ask nicely for the man to move out of my way. With a nice pat on the butt of course.

  • Roy

    Shout out to you J. Keep doing your thing bruh. HaPPY hOLIDAYS.

  • http://www.angelikasays.com Angelika

    So, I’m guilty of hot water and fixing things – I’m better with computers, so sometimes I help him fix techy things… Is that bad?

  • Anike Love

    Hmmm, when a man I was dating at the time wasn’t acting right, I told him I needed a man, not a boy, and that he should “get his balls together” if he wanted to be with me…now I know why he was so mad after I said that lol! Oops! But seriously, let’s get some more men in the world like you who don’t mind rocking an apron-with umm, nothing else!! :-D-because there is nothing sexier than coming home from work to a delicious meal prepared by my man! Would making him desert be emasculating?!?!

  • http://www.teaandsuch.blogspot.com Tea

    This is hilariously awesome. I’m definitely doing 3 out of 5 of these on a regular basis. I was choking laughing about the hot water. We really do like scalding showers and baths.

  • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com Miss Jenkins

    (I’m a lurker, but I love you site.) I think the only one I am really guilty of is liking my food spicy. I can’t play that one off. I like food that makes my nose run and my lips burn. I can either play off the others, or the man will actually be able to do/be better than me.

  • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com Miss Jenkins

    your*

  • P. Hugo

    Dating women that display those traits can challenge us as men. However, the ability for those women to that they can accomplish some things on their own is a major turn on. I know for me I would Love to have an equal that can push me and I can push her to be better.

  • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

    I LOVE spicy food. It makes everything taste better to me. I’m a rice lover and everytime I order fried rice from a Chinese restaurant, I order it spicy. Extra points if the rice dish is spicy anyway.

    As far as the hot water, I actually have low tolerance to hot things. (Funny how I like hot in regards to taste, but not feel). Hot wax and the like is hard to take for me and I when I dip my toe in some bath water and make that “ssssss” sound (you know, when it’s too hot. lol), someone else would feel it and be like, “o_O, what’s wrong with it?”

  • LumbarPuncture

    Ohhhh….I would so get you on the spicy food and hot water thing Jozen 🙂

    So guys don’t like it when you tell them to man up? Mental note….lol

    It used to make me feel like less of a woman when I met a guy who could cook better than me but I got over that quickly. We both can’t be starving so if he can throw down, I’m game!

  • raya

    damn i am five out of five…ok maybe i need to take a step back lol…but i love to talk sports i love spicey food and i love fixing things and putting things together…whats wrong with that??? lol

  • Lilie

    I’ll second that. Guilty of lovin the booty, on men and women lol

  • SIP

    I’m seriously hollering at you. ROFL!

  • http://www.ericabunker.com Erica b.

    That was a great post! My poor husband has been emasculated for the last 18 years! EVERY.SINGLE.ONE of those were me!

  • http://kellyinaday.wordpress.com kellyinaday

    This was hilarious!

  • http://alishawritinglife.wordpress.com Alisha

    Funny list! I love spicy food. After living in Louisiana for six years, I can’t eat anything unless it makes fire shoot out of my ears. I like my bath water so hot, even I have to jump out after putting a foot in to test the temp. Fixing things?? Eh…I’ll leave that to the man totally.

  • EbonyElegance

    OMG..I am STILL on the floor. Have I ever been guilty of any of these? Of cOuRsE nOt! *side eye*

    I will be back and recommend to EVERYONE…..

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    Loooooooooooooove my water hot. That is all. LOL.

  • http://myspace.com/sasseepoet Sassee

    OMG this was the funniest s**t that I have read in a long time…I so got all of them and it had me falling out from laughing so hard. As u can see Im new to ur blogs and I love them so I had to sign up..You writing skills are on point!!!!

  • http://www.twitter.com/lovbuggg Lori

    Great read! Couldnt stop laughing 😉 Will be stopping back for more!

  • http://renrexx.blogspot.com Ren

    My bf likes his shower so hot his ass is red from the water.

  • Dharmalicious

    This is incredible. I never knew!

    All but the sports thing is dead on
    1. I love nuclear hot curry, and sechuan.
    2. Showers/baths have to be hotter than hot (my current bf just flat out refuses to bath with me, even when I try to make it worth his while).
    3. I am just so used to fixing things myself (I grew up with an engineer father) I usually can fix just about anything. (Yes again another thing that the current bf and I get into… he’s a mechanical nut, but even with that 9 times out of 10 I fix stuff… or sometimes even help him in the garage).
    Also, I always make more money than my paramour.

    Does this mean it’s hopeless. Am I destine to always emasculate men?
    Is it a bad thing that the first time we made love I called him a “good boy” – and yes I seriously did that.

    You’ve given me a lot to think about.

  • http://deleted Dharmalicious

    oh yeah, I left out the ass grabbing and smacking thing.. but I think we both do that equally..