Until I Get Married

Right now I am sitting at my gate, about to take off to California for the holidays and I couldn’t be more nervous. I don’t know how or when it started, but at some point, I developed this overwhelming fear of flying and I haven’t be able to shake it. But what can I do? A man has to get home. I have family and friends who I miss dearly, and they in return, and of course, this wedding on New Year’s Eve.

Because I am afraid of flying, I always pray for my safety. I actually pray everyday, whether I’m up in the air or not, but I am one of those people who closes my eyes from the moment I strapped in and don’t open up them until we’re at least high enough for me to turn on all electronics.

The other thing I pray for, but not nearly as intensely as I do my safety, is that I am seated next to an attractive woman. Folks can roll their eyes all they want, but I have talked to many people, and it’s the worst kept secret that every one — whether they’re a man, woman, single, married, or in a relationship —hopes to sit by somebody with whom they can play a game of tic-tac-toe.

Here’s hoping for my safety first, and some pleasant company second. To all my readers who are traveling or have family traveling to see them, be safe.

I’ll be back tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will be headed back home to Seaside, California for the holidays, but equally important is tomorrow brings me one day closer to New Year’s Eve, when I see two of my best friends getting married.

I’ve talked about this a couple of times, including yesterday’s post, which was largely about how I navigate being a sharefriend to both the Bride and the Groom. There is also, of course, the issue of going date-less, and the gravitas of the occasion being on New Year’s Eve, which is a prime-time holiday for couples already.

Since the post I did about going to the wedding date-less, a couple of women have kindly offered their company on the grand occasion. Some of them I don’t know or have never met, others are good friends of mine. When I began to actually entertain the idea of going with one friend of mine, I found out that because I RSVP’d for myself only, it would be too difficult to accommodate another person at this point in time.

Then, my mom shocked me by suggesting I should take my younger sister with me to the wedding. She claims this was my sister’s idea, and my sister said that it would be a good way for her and I to spend New Year’s together, something we haven’t done in years. And I don’t know what I was more shocked by, the suggestion, or the fact that my mom was giving me the suggestion with no hint of irony in her voice.

Now before everyone starts making the ewww face, a brief story. In high school, there was a classmate of mine who actually took his older sister to prom with him. He was perfectly capable of bringing his own date, but because his sister never got to go to her prom (for reasons I don’t know), my classmate took his older sibling, who was only one or two years our senior. I later found out, taking a cousin or a sibling to prom isn’t as incestuous as one might believe. It’s not as common as say going stag, but I would rank it right up there with same-sex couples who attend prom, though way less controversial.

Weddings, in turn, are just proms for adults, and I didn’t go with my sister then, so I can’t go with my sister now.

When I went to prom my junior year, I went with my girlfriend at the time, so I knew things were going to have a happy ending. My senior year, I went with a girl who I had been friends with since first grade. Some would say she was sister-like, but she wasn’t sister-like-for-real, so there was the possibility anything could happen at the end of the night. And even though nothing happened at all, that wasn’t the point. The point was, even with no date on deck for my senior prom, I still wanted to go with someone who might, just maybe be down for a happy ending.

The wedding date, like the prom date, is what I like to call a sex-date. You either take someone you know you can have sex with, or you take someone you really want to have sex with, but haven’t had the chance to yet. All guys have them, whether it’s tickets to something like a Sade concert, or an open ticket to some trip, every guy has come up or will come up on some great date that presents a grand opportunity to get some from a woman. At the very least, it might increase some chances that might otherwise be slim.

Of course, not all dates are about getting some at the end of the night, but things like a wedding date are. There is a huge difference between being denied after dinner and a movie and being denied in a tuxedo at a wedding with a reception and champagne galore. The fall from grace is a lot greater.

So what do I do? Keep it down to earth and go solo, which might be what a guy like me deserves. Sometimes, when I go for the gold, I come up with nothing but rocks and dirt.

What I am sitting on over here is a golden ticket to my personal light-skinned chocolate factory, and of course it’s a shame I’ll be that one guy who came by himself, but the truth is, sometimes we’re all too picky for our own good and that’s how we end up on these solo missions.  As for the suggestion that there will be plenty of single women in the wedding party for me to choose from, trust me, I’ve already asked the Groom to give me a rundown, and it sounded like a Seattle weather report: Cloudy and gloomy because most women will already have dates on their own. Besides, does anyone think a bachelor like me wouldn’t inquire about such a thing before entertaining the idea of taking a date of my own? Let’s not be silly.

But all is not lost. There is still one more opportunity for me to find the perfect wedding date, and that is the bachelor party.

Happy ending indeed.

As I mentioned before, on New Year’s Eve, I will be attending a best friend’s wedding (dateless), which may not sound completely odd, but in my case, the best friend is not the groom. My best friend is the bride.

To be clear, the Groom and I have become good friends, so much so he has given me the honor of being one of the groomsmen.  And now that I’m close with both the Bride and the Groom, I have become what I like to call a sharefriend.

For some, being a sharefriend — someone who is cool with a couple as opposed to just the man or the woman — is difficult. The Bride and I are very close and have been for years, so in a way, my loyalty is to her. Then again, the Groom and I have become very close, and as men, there’s an unspoken bond we both have with one another, which stands on a firm foundation of loyalty.

The whole situation has me thinking about how to effectively be friends with a woman without disrespecting her man or her relationship. So here it is, six things a sharefriend cannot do. For the women who read this, take all the advice I give to the men and reverse it to be gender-appropriate.

GET THE WOMAN A  BIRTHDAY GIFT

Let’s say I get invited to the birthday party of the female-sharefriend. As a matter of fact male-sharefriend himself invites me to the party. The only gift I should give is my attendance. What do I look like showing up to a taken woman’s birthday party with some gift card to her favorite restaurant?

DATE SOMEONE WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE THE FEMALE-SHAREFRIEND

Think about that for a minute. I am dating a girl who looks just like my friend’s girl. Just like her! Is there anything more awkward than that face-to-face meeting? I doubt it. I can just hear him now: “Hey, you know your woman looks just like someone, and I can’t figure out who. Oh wait a minute, I know who. My girl!”

CALLING JUST THE WOMAN

The Bride and Groom share a land line, and though I have both of their numbers, I usually call the land line first, unless I have something specific to talk about with either of them. If they don’t happen to be home, I leave a message acknowledging both of them. If the Groom picks up, I don’t just say, “Hey man, is the Bride there?” No. That’s inappropriate. We have a conversation first, then he either volunteers the phone to her or I politely ask for her. No matter who you’re closest to, as the sharefriend, one must treat both people in the relationship as equals.

NO TELLING INSIDE JOKES IN FRONT OF OUTSIDE PARTIES

The Bride and I have a lot of funny things we laugh about from the days we kicked it in college, back before she even knew the Groom, but I don’t bring up those jokes whenever the three of us are hanging out together. Laughing, joking, those things are all good, and it’s perfectly acceptable to make the woman laugh, but as a sharefriend, at some point I better start making the man laugh too.

THE ONLY TIME IT’S OKAY FOR ME TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH THE WOMAN IS IF HER MAN TAKES THE PICTURE HIMSELF

Let’s say I’m out for a night on the town with a group of friends, including my couple-friends. Everyone’s having a great time taking pictures, and the female-sharefriend asks me to take a picture with her, and as we’re taking the picture together, the male-sharefriend  is coming back from the restroom or the bar. Awkward! Even more awkward? He never even saw us take the picture together, but the next day when their sitting down on a couch together scrolling through the pictures they took the previous night,  a picture of me and his woman smiling hard pops up on the screen. The man may not get mad, but he just might ask, “So when did you two take this picture?”

NO DANCING WITH HER

Going back to this imaginary night out with my couple-friends, let’s say it includes some dancing, and I’m sitting down to give my feet a break. The man-sharefriend decides to do the same, but the woman-sharefriend still wants to dance, so she’s out on the dance floor by herself, doing her own thing. It is NOT my duty to go out there and pick up where the male-sharefriend left off.  I cannot imagine when it would ever be appropriate for me to just grab the female-sharefriend’s hand and start twirling her around right in front of the male-sharefriend. I don’t care if he’s landed himself in a wheelchair and cannot use his legs. If something so unfortunate were to happen, my duty, as the sharefriend would be to push him around in the wheelchair while the female-sharefriend dances with him.

I didn’t title this post Shaky Dating Advice, but I did file it under the category, because it is, well…read on.

A couple of days ago, I was talking to a female friend of mine. She, a well-educated, very successful young professional, was telling me about some guy she was dating. This guy had his own car, which in New York City is somewhat of a remarkable feat, and took her to the finest restaurants, plays, and other expensive activities. This guy paid for everything. But now this guy is in jail. Why? He dealt drugs.

“So you’re still doing that,” I asked rhetorically. “Still dating them bad boys?”

I was shocked not because she was dating a thug but because she was over-25 dating a thug. And even though I don’t want the girl myself it irritated me to think  some good guy out there was losing to guys like the one she was dating.

In college, I was one of those good guys who despised the bad boys because every girl I liked seemed to like them. To me, it didn’t make sense that a woman who either wasn’t from the streets or removed herself from the streets, would go back to the streets to find her Prince Charming.

But I have outgrown such petty jealousy. Women should date who they want, bad boys included, and though it doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever, no thug is leaving me hurting. Let’s not forget, even a woman who dates a bad boy can see the appeal in a man like me.

It took me years before I finally stopped tripping over high-quality, take-them-home-to-mom type women who wouldn’t choose me over the type of guy whose  career goals include getting furloughed. The sad thing is, I know the battle between good boys and bad boys is still being waged out there. And as someone who has always fought on the side of good, I must continue to stand up for all the men who lose a woman to the bad boys, and for them, I have a resolution.

Before I lay my resolution out, let me just say this: I know a lot of these guys I’m calling bad boys personally. Some are my friends, some are in my family, and I have nothing against them. They are, for better or worse, good guys to their women, or at the very least, no worse than the self-proclaimed good men who don’t break the law, but do break some hearts. So please spare me the whole bad-boys-can-treat-their-women-good-too lectures. I’ve seen them do it, I know they can.

What this really is about is getting the good guys to understand they don’t need to be pre-occupied with finding their female equivalent. If you’re a good guy who is always losing the good girl to a bad boy, date a bad girl. And when I say a bad girl, I don’t mean a woman who is in the streets. I mean a woman who is on the pole.

Yep, that’s right, I’m suggesting all the men out there who are tired of losing their good women to thugs start fighting back by dating an exotic dancer or two. If a well-educated, high-class woman with a promising career wants to date a man who goes to school on street corners, then you, as a man, are entitled to date a woman who takes dance lessons at clubs with the word “Lace” in their name.

Not only is it fair, but it makes way more sense for a man to date a stripper than it does a woman to date a bad boy because stripping is 100 percent legal. Being a bad boy, for the most part, isn’t.

Other positives of dating a stripper include: financially independent; works late hours so you can always hang out with your boys; they’re generally nice women. If a man can find a way to get over the fact that one of her job requirements is to get naked in a room full of strangers night after night after night, he’s in a good place.

Of course, I would never do such a thing, but that’s only because I have found a way to not care so much about the women who want to date bad boys over me. I’m just saying, for those men out there who having trouble coming to grips with the good women who want to date the bad boys, take my advice: Date the strippers. They’re bad, but in a good way.

I’ve talked before about the girl I had a crush on in second grade and how there are elements of that crush still a part of me whenever a new woman comes into my life. Everything about liking a woman seemed so much easier when I was younger. Ignorance was indeed bliss, and sometimes I wish everyone would just remember what it was like to like somebody the way they did in the days when we got an allowance.

What I am going to do is take this list back to the days before I got a driver’s license. I don’t know about the rest of you but for me and my dating life, the day I received my license to drive is the day everything changed and since then, very little has. So here it is, five things I miss about young love.

MY STATUS DID NOT MATTER

There were two types of guys back in the day: The boys who girls liked and the boys who girls didn’t like. I fell somewhere in the middle, I didn’t get all the girls, but I had a winning record. I always tell people the same reasons why a girl liked me back in the day is the same reason why a girl likes me now: I know how to talk to a woman, I know how to make her laugh, and I don’t look too bad doing either of those things. Unfortunately, as adults, I see a lot of guys who I know couldn’t get a girl to dance with them back in the day with two or three women on his arm all because he’s holding a bottle of Grey Goose in it. The man who girls didn’t like is now getting girls to like him because essentially he’s bought himself into the club and it’s a shame.

SHARING A LOCKER WAS WHAT THEY CALLED PUTTING A RING ON IT

It was all so simple back in the day, and nothing reminds me of this more than thinking back to the days when people used to share lockers. Remember that? That’s all we needed to show our commitment to one another. I wish I still had a locker sometimes, just so I can get a feel for how a woman and I might get along.

SCHOOL DANCES > THE CLUB

I went to a middle school named after Martin Luther King Jr., which means all our school dances were right after school and only went until like 6:00 at night. So what a lot of kids would do is bring their clothes for the dance with them and change right after the bell for the last period rang. Then we’d all line up and wait for the DJ to get ready. Once the music started playing, they let us in the dance and it would only be 30 minutes before folks would start dancing. And that was it. Just dancing. That’s all we did. Sure there was some macking and hanging going on, but there was no buying a drink for a woman, unless we’re counting the 65 cent cans of Coke we got at the vending machine. There was no parking lot pimping afterward, just kids either going straight to their parents car or walking home. There was no VIP. Everyone was important. And again, I can’t emphasize this enough, everyone was dancing.

YOU SAW THEM ALL DAY

When I think about young love today, I always laugh about this particular element of it. When we were in school, we saw the person we liked pretty much all day and then when school was out, we would rush home to do our homework, chores, eat dinner, and then get on the phone to talk to this person. The same person we saw all day. That amazes me because if I spent time with the girl I liked today all day, she’d probably get on my nerves and I’d probably impose the same rules on myself that my mother once employed on me: No phone calls after 9.

LIKING HER WAS ALL I NEEDED TO DO

Think about all the ways we used to show how much we liked a girl back in the days of recess and long division. Think about how little we had to spend, but how much we had to save just to get something as simple as some flowers. Think about chocolate milk and how she used to give you hers and how that right there was it. Think about how going to the movies was the big date, and it didn’t matter what you two saw together, because the movie wasn’t the point, being together was.

Think about all of that. Don’t forget it.

As I said in my first installment of “Shaky Relationship Advice“, I really don’t know if any of this stuff works. All I know is that it worked for me at some point or another.

That being said, I really, really have no idea whether or not the advice I’m about to give today has ever worked or will ever work. It’s in regards to cheating, specifically, how a woman can keep her man from cheating if she is ever worried about such a thing.

Already I can hear the dissenters commenting saying I’m an idiot. Already I can hear them saying, “A man’s going to cheat if he wants to, it doesn’t matter.” Already I can anticipate more than a few side eyes and “psssshhhh”‘s from my readers.

Oh well. All I’m doing is trying to offer up some friendly advice. Think of me as the friend who you ask for advice from and never end up taking anyway. That’s me. I’m that guy.  Let me also remind people, I’m no expert, but I am experienced.

So here it is, my advice, my not yet proven but worthwhile approach to how to get your man to not cheat:

EVERY TIME YOUR MAN GOES OUT YOU GO OUT TOO

Does everyone understand what I’m saying or do I need to paint a visual?

I’ll paint a visual.

I just lined up some face time with my woman on the side and at the 11th hour, I give my main woman a call to cancel some plans the two of us made a week or so ago. The conversation goes something like this.

Me: Hey baby, look here, umm, I have to [insert lame excuse here] tonight, so I’m going to have to cancel our plans.

Her: Oh, sweetie, I’m so happy you called cause I was just about to call you to do the same.

Me: Do what the same?

Her: Cancel the plans.

Me: Huh? What? Why?

Her: Oh my girl just called me up talking about her friend is in town with all his friends and they want us to go out with them.

Now note, my woman never had plans in the first place. She’s just acting like she did to keep me honest. But the key is, she didn’t hesitate when I originally canceled on her. Not only did she sound unfazed by my last-minute cancellation, she sounded relieved because she had “plans of her own.” Her composure is why I am now on my end of the phone, stunned in silence.

Her: Hello? Baby you there?

Me: Umm, yeah, I’m here. Wait, you’re about to go out right now?

Her: Well, in like an hour. I just laid out my dress and I’m about to hop in the shower.

Two key things here: She said “dress”, but she didn’t say which one because she wants me to ask which one. I won’t take the bait though. She also said “about to hop in the shower” and now I’m imagining her naked in the shower and all of a sudden a night with my woman on the side doesn’t sound appealing. But before I change plans, she adds a couple more extras.

She turns on getting-ready-to-go-out music in the background loud as hell and starts humming along, which means I have to raise my voice to be heard.

Me: HEY BABY! BABY!? CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?

Her: WHAT?! HOLD ON, I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LET ME TURN THIS DOWN!

She turns down the music.

Me: Baby, look, I just got an email from my co-worker saying we’re all done here. I can actually get out of here. Would you be down to stay in with me tonight?

Her: That’s kind of messed up, they have a limo and table reservations.

Me: Fuck. The. Limo. Put away your dress and keep the shower running. I’ll be there in ten minutes, so get in in five minutes and leave the door unlocked or a key under the mat, and I’ll be in the shower with you before you know it.

Her: [Sighs] Fine. But she’s going to be really disappointed and now we better do something fun cause I was looking forward.

Me: Whatever. I’ll make it up to you when I get there. Bye.

Her: Bye. See you soooon.

Nothing has ever kept me in check or on my Ps and Qs more than when my woman is about to go out with her girls without me around. Every time a situation like that has occurred, I always pray it isn’t going to be the night my bad karma gets the best of me. Even if a woman doesn’t have a life of her own, she better act like she does so her man stays on point. If every time a man says he’s going out to do his own thing his woman responds with a, “Good, so am I” there is a high probability the man will start curbing his own social life for the sake of curbing his woman’s. Fight fire with fire, even if the fire isn’t real, because sometimes men only respond to what they see in the mirror.

Any man who has ever cheated knows the first person he thinks about after he’s done doing whatever he did is his woman. Usually, he tries to call his woman and if she doesn’t pick up the phone on that first call, that man is tripping, wondering if his woman isn’t picking up the phone because she’s doing the same thing he just got finished doing. The above scenario is an extension of that.

Of course, at some point, such responses are not going to fly and either I’m going to call her bluff or I’m not going to care. But I hope it never gets to that point, because once we stop caring, well, there isn’t any relationship advice in the world that can help.

There is nothing like a woman who gives her all to pretty much everything she does — from taking care of herself to taking care of me. But sometimes, a woman’s focus can be misplaced. She’s paying attention, sure, but to all the wrong things. I appreciate a woman who doesn’t want to do things like her mother did, the type who would  focus on things I like, not things she thinks all men like.

Below, a list of five things women overrate and their underrated counterpart. I did a list of five yesterday, so this might be a theme for the week, but no promises. For today, enjoy, and as always, feel free to contribute a list of your own in the comments.

OVERRATED: LOOKING GOOD WHEN YOU GO OUT

UNDERRATED: LOOKING GOOD WHEN YOU STAY INSIDE

Nothing wrong with a woman who wants to step out looking her best. A man like me always can appreciate that, but too much effort can lead me to believe she’s just trying to look good for vanity’s sake. Nothing wrong with that either. But what about when it’s just me and her lounging around inside? Why when it’s just me and her do I get the paint-stained sweats that show no body and the humongous t-shirt? Ladies, modify that. Put on some soft cotton shorts, tie the hair up (if it’s not short already), and wear a torso-hugging tee or tank top and some slip on house shoes. More than a great outfit being worn as we run errands in front of countless people, I definitely wish women would pay more attention to the outfit they wear as we chill on the couch watching some television. After all, it is what’s on the inside that counts.

OVERRATED: BEING SMART

UNDERRATED: BEING FUNNY

I have always dated smart women. Doctors, lawyers, accountants, businesswomen. You name it, if it was smart, I probably dated it. But more than a woman who is well-educated and up on current events is the woman who knows how to twist her knowledge into witty remarks and jokes. All these women who try to be so smart and sophisticated feel programmed to me. I’m always thinking, Yes, woman, I know what the public option is too. Now, can we have some laughs about it? If there’s one thing I have learned it’s this: Nine times out of 10, the woman who can make me laugh is also pretty smart, but the woman who is smart can rarely make me chuckle.

OVERRATED: COOKING

UNDERRATED: CLEANING

I’m a new man. I can honestly care less how good my woman can cook, long as she’s willing to crack open some eggs for me every now and then, we’re in a good place. This is because I can cook for myself, and pretty well I might add. So save that whole “the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” routine for the fathers. I got the food under control. How about straightening up the rest of the house or apartment so when we’re done with this meal, we can find the quickest way to the bedroom? Thanks.

OVERRATED: STANDING THERE, LOOKING CUTE

UNDERRATED: DANCING AND PARTYING IT UP

I will admit, the girls standing off to the side of a club looking like H&M mannequins with their blank stares are usually the prettiest. But they look so boring. I don’t want to talk to them, and truth be told, they probably don’t want to talk to me either. All is fair, but it should be said: For the life of me, I will never understand a woman who can go somewhere music is playing at a high volume and just stand off to the side like she’s in the library. They say a man who can dance is probably good in bed, and I think it’s safe to say men can apply the same theory to the women who dance too. But even if it isn’t true, one thing’s for certain about the women who can dance: They’re way more fun than the one’s who are standing around, which brings me to my last and final entry.

OVERRATED: ROMANCE

UNDERRATED: FUN

Don’t tell me romance is fun. It isn’t. Rather, fun can be romantic. Romance is slow dancing at an elegant ball with everybody watching. Fun is slow dancing in the middle of the apartment, like no one is watching. Romance is a candlelight dinner at one of the best restaurants in town where no one else is laughing. Fun is downing beers at a bar eating wings and cracking jokes with the bartender while watching a game. Women love romance, and as a romantic myself, I’m all for an enchanted evening, but give me a fun night of memories over a romantic one any day of the week.

Some things in life I prefer to do with women more than men. I’m not talking about the obvious things like, sex. I’m talking about other, less intimate activities we wouldn’t immediately think about.

I’ve been pondering this a lot lately, largely because in less than a month, I will be attending the wedding of two very good friends of mine and I have no date. Now of course I can go by myself. As one of the groomsmen, I’m going to be busy anyway. But this wedding is different.

For one, the wedding and reception is taking place on New Year’s Eve, with the reception doubling as a traditional NYE party. The second issue is, from what my friends  tell me, every female in attendance is already coming with a date, which only makes sense considering it’s on the backdrop of NYE. So now here I am, less than a month away from the wedding and I have no one to take back to my hotel room kiss. Any other day of the year, and I’d probably have my boy roll with me. We can get our Wedding Crashers on `a la Vince Vaughn and Owen Willson, but with the added romance of New Year’s Eve, some female company would be ideal.

But a New Year’s Eve wedding isn’t the only thing I’d prefer to do with women. Below, a list of five other activities I could do with one of my boys, but never would. Men, feel free to add your own activities to the list in the comments, and ladies, I’d love to hear what activities females feel they would prefer to do with men over women.

Enjoy this…

ATTEND AN R&B CONCERT

No matter the city, an R&B concert is the ultimate ladies night. But even with a sea of fine women in attendance, and even if bringing a woman to the concert is akin to bringing sand to the beach, I still can’t find it in me to ask one of male friends if they want to roll with me to the Maxwell concert. I’ll sooner take my own mother. I’ll just tell my boy to meet me at the after-party. The show itself, that’s for the ladies.

BROADWAY PLAYS

Since I’ve lived in New York, I have been to about six or seven different Broadway plays, all of them with women. Not once have I ever left a theatre after a show and thought, You know, I think my boy would’ve really enjoyed that.

MILKSHAKES

Who doesn’t love a good milkshake? That’s totally a gender neutral thing. But if I ever get the urge to have one and want some company to join me, my boy will never get that call. Women are much preferred. Nothing like looking a woman in her eyes while she’s sucking a straw like it held antibodies.

BAKING

I like to cook and bake. The last thing I put in the oven was some green tea muffins, and folks can judge me all they want, I enjoyed them thoroughly. I didn’t even share them. But if I did share them, it would be with someone who helped make them, and they probably wouldn’t be a guy friend of mine cause I don’t think I can picture a time where I would feel comfortable with my boy asking me if he could lick the spoon. The way i see it, if it’s a grill, let my brethren gather around, but if it’s an oven, and I’m wearing mitts with flowers on them, women only.

ORDERING DESSERT

When it comes to dinner, I have no problem going with my boy or going with my woman. It’s 2009, all men should be able to get some time in with their best friend over a good meal at a nice restaurant. But when it comes time for dessert, only bring me the menu if the person I’m having dinner with has breasts. If they have facial hair, don’t even ask if we want dessert. I think I speak for the table when I say, we don’t.

Whenever I hear or am a part of conversations about sex, I can always count on one person who feels the need to be the conversation’s Public Service Announcer.

Everyone knows this person: They always reveal themselves by chiming into the sex conversation or or any other conversation regarding relationships with an unnecessary reminder of STD rates or the importance of using condoms. On this blog here, I see such people frequently in the c-section, and I am taking no shots against my commenters, because I love and cherish everyone of them, but whenever someone wants to preach on how something like infidelity leads to STDs I start to tune out.

It’s not that I don’t care about the importance of safe sex or the STD rates. It’s not like I think I’m immune from anything or against protecting myself. It’s more like, we need to speak to each other about sex like adults who have some common sense, at least when we’re talking amongst friends. We need to talk about sex like we’ve all had some before and we’ve been through some things before.

The lengths people go to to insert a safe sex caveat are sometimes so ridiculous I have to laugh. Everyone is familiar with that friend who always wants to jump into sex conversations with something like, “I hope everyone here is protecting themselves.”  I always want to throw something at that friend.  If I’m having phone sex with my long distance girlfriend, and right when we’re about to get to the good part she says, “Put the condom on, baby,” I’m going to hang up on her. In movies*, when two people are about to go at it, and the scene doesn’t include a reach for some protection, the last thing I want to hear somebody in the audience say is, “Why didn’t they use a condom?”

Such questions, such details are all just unnecessary semantics. Not only that, but the putting on of a condom is the least sexiest part in any sex scene or story. Seriously, how does one even sound sexy when they say something like, “I take the wrapper and open it with my teeth.” What? I have fillings, if I open the condom wrapper with my teeth, that’s going to hurt.

But I digress…

We should be able to have fun, lighthearted conversations about sex without the preaching, unless, of course, Magic Johnson is involved. When I talk about cheating or I talk about a one-night stand or I talk about jump-offs and casual sex relations, I’m not trying to bog down the stories with lessons on the importance of safe sex. For one, I am telling these stories to an adult audience or my adult friends who are already educated about safe sex. If I were talking to children, than of course the condom would play a starring role, but in the R-Rated version of my tales and experiences, assume I’m exercising some common sense because I am. Let’s try to elevate the conversation about sexual relationships beyond the basics and talk about sex like, you know, people who are actually having sex and people who know right from wrong.

I care very much about protecting myself, of having sex the right way because even though I have experienced the joys of what I call organic sex, I also know the peace of mind that comes with protected sex is priceless, and I think it’s safe to say many of my peers are also familiar with the risks/rewards of both. But the next time one of them wants to tell me about a night of passionate lovemaking, I’m not going to even ask about the condom, and I hope nobody asks me the question either because asking me if I wore a condom is like asking me if I enjoyed myself. Of course I enjoyed myself. Of course I wore a condom.

* For anyone who does want to see a movie where safe sex is discussed honestly, I suggest Booty Call, if for no other reason, all the comic relief was tied into Tommy Davidson’s character trying to get all the necessary contraceptives.

We may have broken up a long time ago, or maybe it was recently, but I never stopped caring. Not one second did I stop caring. I may not have wanted to continue to be in a relationship, or wait, it was you, okay, yeah, it was you who didn’t want to continue our relationship, but it doesn’t matter. I never stopped caring.

You were my middle school crush and I haven’t seen you since our 8th grade promotion. You were the girl whose house I was just at last week, but this week, I came and went for the last time. You were the girl with the forgotten name, but the memorable body and moan tandem. It doesn’t matter how brief or long the encounter, for some moments you were my favorite person in the world and I never stopped caring about all of yous.

One day I wake up to realize we haven’t talked in a long, long while. I wonder if you know I am still here, still care. I can’t even recall the last time I thought about you, the last time I checked on you, but this morning it doesn’t matter, I wonder what’s up with you. Let me do that right now. Grab my phone, scroll through my phone book. Wait, you’re not in there anymore.

Now I can’t call just to tell you I still care, and maybe that’s for the best because others have filled the position. They don’t need any help in the caring-about-you department. But it’s like working from home, I don’t need to go to where you are to do my job. I still care anyway, no matter where you are, no matter where I am.

Something happened to you the other night, and I was nowhere around because just a few nights ago I said we needed space. Anyway, that something was bad and unexpected, it came out of nowhere, and thank goodness you called me regardless of our status. You knew I would care and I hope you know I will never stop.