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Shaky Relationship Advice Part 3

New year, new outlook, new people.

Here we are folks, the first Monday of 2010, and for many who spent the weekend recovering from that party back in 2009, today is officially the first day of the year. We have said good bye to what has to be one of the most unanimously worst years on record, a year so bad most of us have collectively decided the best part about it was making it out alive. And we are now saying hello to a new year, the first year of a new decade, and everyone is ready to do something different, something new.

Good luck with all of that.

But before we dip into something new, before we get all experimental with ours, some more of my shaky relationship advice to start the new year right. Remember,no expert, just experienced.

DON’T BROADEN YOUR DATING HORIZONS

Already I have talked to two friends of mine who are going into the new year with new boyfriends. These new guys are good guys, nice guys, and as they will be quick to remind anyone who asks, different guys. But what I have told them is the same thing I am about to tell everyone else who is looking to broaden their dating horizons. Be careful and more importantly, be honest, to yourself.

There is a reason we have types, criteria, and just because we have had no luck finding someone who looks good on paper while treating us right at the same time, doesn’t mean we should start sacrificing some criteria to meet the bottom line. This idea of dating someone out of the box, or left of center, from the type of person we normally go for just because there’s a strong likelihood we will get the type of relationship we want is pretty dangerous because if every relationship calls for sacrifice, dating someone who is not our type is an even bigger sacrifice. To me, dating someone we’re only lukewarm about in the beginning, and eventually falling for them, just because they’re not a jerk, is like a bad song we hear on the radio. Hear it enough, and we’ll fall in love with it, off the strength of habit alone.

The fact of the matter is, once we get into a relationship with someone, we are almost always going to discover things about the person we don’t like. But these things we don’t like about the person we’re dating, should be just that, discovered. They shouldn’t be apparent from the very beginning of the relationship because, here’s what’s going to happen. Someone who does satisfy some of our more important requirements is going to come into our lives, and when they do, we’re either going to have to remove ourselves from them or we’re going to have to remove ourselves from the person we’re with, and hurting the person we took a chance on for no reason.

Of course, for those who are the person I am speaking of, the boyfriend or girlfriend who is against type, just know the risks involved. I have a girl who likes me right now and I am nothing like any of the other guys she dated, so I’m very cautious of it all, because if there is one thing in life I believe in, it’s this:

There is someone who is right for each and every one of us.

Each.

And.

Every.

One.

Of.

Us.

And at any given moment, this person can come into our lives.

So what I suggest everyone do this year is learn to be more patient when it comes to finding the right person. Instead of broadening the horizons, hone in and focus on what is that you really want and need. This might not be the year the right person comes into our lives, but it can be the year we make room for them to do so.

  • Danielle D

    I don’t think this is Shaky Advice…it actually makes sense….LOTS of SENSE!

  • HeadMistress

    Excellent advice!

  • Kady

    Well, I don’t think I agree with this, I think widening your horizon is a good idea. How can you truly know what you like if you don’t date out the box a little, atmost I would say your 20’s is a time to experiment. For example, I love tall guys, ideally I would only date men 6’2 and above (I’m 5’7), but recently I’ve dated a few shorter guys 5’9, 5’10, and there height had nothing to do with the reason we broke up, and no I didn’t jump the first tall guy who came along.

    I think as we get more mature we have to re-evaluate our criteria’s in a mate, and even let go some of the shallow stuff, like guys who only date girls with long hair, girl who only date dark skin guys, I mean if physical attributes will eventually fade, why put so much emphasis on it in the first place. And if your gf/bf leaves you, not just cheat with someone who he finds more attractive, then it’s more likely that they have more to offer overall, its never just one issue.

  • Soulyn

    This post is on point. I’ve definitely dated someone and new right off the back it was not going to work. Why did I do it? Well, I was looking for a relationship and he came along. We’ve since broken up. This year I am going to take it slow and if I’m supposed to attract mr. right, then so be it. I’m learning patience.

    “The fact of the matter is, once we get into a relationship with someone, we are almost always going to discover things about the person we don’t like. But these things we don’t like about the person we’re dating, should be just that, discovered.” Co-sign to the fullest.

  • http://www.shareemfworld.blogspot.com EMF

    This is great advice not shaky at all! When it is all said and done timing is everything when it comes to relationships. “If not this time then the next time. And maybe the next time will be the right time.”

  • http://livinglatina.blogspot.com/ Mel

    I definitely agreem I am going through a divorce at the moment and meeting different types of men and I thought, maybe the best thing is try something i haven’t tried before but when I do I just feel like I’m settling and I’ve settled for so long, I think the right thing to do is just go for exactly what you want and it may take some time to find that right person but it will save you the frustration and heartache. I’m definitely not broadening my horizons. I’ll stick to exactly what I’m looking for. :-)

  • me-me

    50-50—

    my cousin is about to pop the question to a woman who is the exact opposite of everything(physically) he goes after. she is the the most homly, plain jane, flat ass-ted, chick on the planet.. and he loves her dirty draws.. he was TORN UP when they split for a few months, but he got her back.

    he didn’t intentionally go for her .. he didn’t throw away his preferences.. they were friends and then it just happened. he didn’t just give up on what he wanted, he just recognized what he needed –she has the things that won’t fade over time.

    so if you are intentionally dating “out of the box” just because you have given up on finding a (insert preference) man, you may end up worse off than before. stick to your guns.. u like what you like.. don’t settle..

    Dating someone the opposite of what you normally go for is not always a bad thing.

    when we mature, we realize that if it can fade, we don’t need it… go after what you need

  • http://insatiable420.blogspot.com Monique

    Who lied and told you this was shaky advice? this is the most sound advice I’ve heard since 09. LOL

  • http://blackgirlunscripted.wordpress.com Anike Love

    I definitely agree that this is not shaky advice at all! Patience is definitely key. Like Kady, I think that in order to hone in and focus on what you want or need, you do initially need to widen your dating horizons. I dated several different guys over the past year, and even though they each had unique qualities that I found attractive, there wasn’t one guy whose spirit I really felt connected with mine, or who possessed the most important qualities I desired, so the relationships never went further.

    Recently, I started dating a guy who seems perfect in every way, but I’m just not as physically attracted to him as I would like to be or believe I should be-he’s a mini-Godiva aka short (no offense anyone :-/). And I know this may seem shallow, but I think its better to acknowledge this from jump because the last thing I want is to become involved lukewarmly in a relationship with the guy, and then some Mehcad Brooks look-a-like comes along, and….whew…it’s a rap!

    And even though going after what you need is important, I think you’ve got to be careful and make sure that you are not completely trading all of your wants just for a sense of security, or desire to be in a relationship.

  • evangeline

    hmm. i think it just depends on the person. think about it–where do we have get the notion of what our “types” are from in the first place? by dating different people and experimenting. broadening your horizons and dating outside of your usual box is is just an extension of doing that. so how can you say don’t broaden your horizons, when doing that is what made you even feel like you had a type in the first place?

    i don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying different things. and even if you do revert back to old habits when someone else comes along. at least you tried something new, and probably learned something new about yourself in the process.

  • Brooklyn Ice

    Agreed.
    Last year as I also began really concentrating on knowing myself more, I came to this realization: “I want what want” point. blank. period. and with that, there’s really no negotiation. However, I do agree with one commenter above who says that stepping outside of our boxes can be beneficial but I think that needs to be clarified. It’s one thing to set aside our superficial or shallow preferences (key word preference) it’s another thing to begin compromising on our must haves. I prefer 6 feet and above but cool if you’re not, however you MUST be passionate, self driven, affectionate, a communicator, patient and the list goes on. The key is knowing what things you can let go of and what things, if you let go of them, would ultimately lead to the demise of your relationship.

    Def sound advice. Nothing shaky about it.

  • LumbarPuncture

    “To me, dating someone we’re only lukewarm about in the beginning, and eventually falling for them, just because they’re not a jerk, is like a bad song we hear on the radio. Hear it enough, and we’ll fall in love with it, off the strength of habit alone.”

    You pinpointed exactly why one of my relationships ended. You can’t lie to yourself…not for long anyways.

  • NeNe

    Well said Jozen…well said. Not shaky at all!

  • http://readaj.com A.J.

    “When we mature, we realize that if it can fade, we don’t need it… go after what you need.”

    Agreed!

  • Angela

    I equivalate “broading your horizons” with compromising, settling, experimenting, etc. Only you know what you desire, people give advice all the time about this, “you’re too picky “, etc. Trust me, I did that (broaden my horizon), and one day I looked at the guy, and said to myself, who am I kidding ?, you are not my type, wasn’t my type and probably will never be. I went with the don’t just focus on looks spill…huh…You know what you like, trust your instincts.

  • Bean296

    I usually dont comment but this article was amazing. Thanks for sharing!! Forwarding to all my friends IMMEDIATELY

  • http://wisemath.wordpress.com Wise Math

    Peace.

    This is dope!

  • Christina

    I see your point.. I’m currently in a relationship with a man that’s totally outside the ‘typical’ guy I’d date. He definitely has his strong points. However, at the end of the day- the things I didn’t initially like about him- are still there.

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    Nothing else to say but “WORD”.

  • ebonifire

    I love this point

    “This might not be the year the right person comes into our lives, but it can be the year we make room for them to do so”

  • Whitney

    I believe if the type you normally go for is not working then why not try something new. Like the article you wrote about women liking bad guys, if women don’t change that pattern they won’t get anything better.

  • @NyceBryce

    yeah- make the left field the winter boo. Make the franchise player the GF.

  • Marona

    Never would of thought you were so smart by looking at you. lol I feel you so much on this one . Glad my roomie put me on to your work.

  • dwillwrite

    While I understand what you are saying, the bottom line is, if you keep going down the same road, dating the same type that has the same M.O, breaks your heart just because he or she is what you think you want or supposed to want, why not take an assessment and face the facts. This isn’t working, maybe it’s time to change the game plan. You can’t keep going down the same road and only getting a dead end. You act as if a “good guy” is against type. I see woman all the time that wants someone who has a swagger and a bit of thug and it’s just not working out. They are incapable of making a committment so why keep sacrificing your heart and dignity? A friend’s mother said recently, try liking the person who likes you.

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  • Vanessa

    My high school math teacher taught us something that I have kept with me, and is the reason I’m in such a fantastic and healthy relationship right now. He told us that we needed to choose five characteristics or qualities that we desired in a person that we absolutely could not compromise on. Be it politics, religion, picking up their socks… whatever is TRULY important to you. In order to be able to reasonable define these five uncompromising qualities, you have to know a lot about yourself. Maybe you can date someone outside your religion, maybe you can’t. Maybe you could be with someone who thinks of themselves as a gamer, maybe you can’t. The important thing is to be completely honest with yourself, and choose your five qualities based on what you want, not what you want with the person you’re already with. It’s not to say you shouldn’t date someone who doesn’t meet all five, but before you “settle down,” can you live with compromising with yourself?

    I met my five out of five, and I’m glad I never settled for less! Of course he has traits that are less than desirable, but when it comes down to the important things, he has them and the rest we can work through :)

  • AnonyMiss

    agreed.

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