On Celebrity Crushes
I have a crush on a woman, who to my knowledge, has only been in one movie. Her name, Tracey Heggins. The movie, Medicine For Melancholy. I saw it last year, three times, not because of Heggins, but because I actually did enjoy the movie. So much so, I encourage anyone who hasn’t seen it to order it on Netflix. It was an independent film and a few months ago, was released on DVD.
But enough about the movie, back to Heggins. Seriously. Someone please, put me in touch with this girl before she blows up and becomes the next big movie star. I need to meet her now and ask her out for soup before she goes the way of so many other women I’ve crushed on – the way of the red carpet.
I can honestly say, before Heggins, the last time I had a crush on a woman whose acquaintance was solely through the power of television or film, was in high school, and I think a lot of men understand where I am coming from. At a certain age, men outgrow the idea of a celebrity crush. Sure we can acknowledge how fine Beyoncé is, and of course we have a long running list of things we would do to Blake Lively if given the chance, but most men don’t deal with fantasy. Most men, at some point, begin to put their reality caps on, and prefer to crush on women who they can actually meet in person under normal circumstances.
Think about it. When’s the last time any of us saw a grown man have some Beyoncé art as their phone background or desktop wall paper? Exactly.
Men literally outgrow the women they have crushes on, for two reasons: (1) When men are boys, they actually have crushes on grown women. If a man grew up watching The Cosby Show, he didn’t have a crush on Keisha Knight-Pulliam (Rudy Huxtable) even though she was the only character age-appropriate to date. Every man I know had a crush on Lisa Bonet (Denise Huxtable), a woman who was dating Lenny Kravitz at the time. Still, we wanted her. Not Rudy. No man wanted Rudy until years later when we saw her in a Chingy video. As for Lisa Bonet? She’s MILF-status now, and for some guys this is a plus, but those same guys have MILF fetishes to begin with. To be blunt, her crush appeal is not nearly as universal as it once was.
The second reason we outgrow our celebrity crushes is because at some point, we realize just how many fine women are out there. Women who are fine in their own way and women who are fine in a Rudy Huxtable or Denise Huxtable sort of way. In other words, men grow to understand if they can’t get the celebrities, they can at least get a woman who looks like one.
In college, I once dated a woman who was a dead ringer for Gabrielle Union. I say this not to brag, nor am I giving her this distinction so much as I am echoing the sentiments I heard from many a passer-by. Just yesterday, when I walked into that Applebee’s I mentioned, I saw two girls who looked like Janet Jackson circa-Janet era and one girl who looked like Ciara in the face and Keyshia Cole in the body. With those options at my immediate disposal, why would I ever bother hanging up posters of any of the aforementioned ladies, when there’s a good chance I could get involved with one of these waitresses and bartenders, take mad pictures of us together, hang them up in my house, and when guests come over, hear them say, “Oh, damn. She looks just like Janet Jackson circa-Janet era.”
Women, on the other hand, never shake their habit of celebrity crushes. As a matter of fact, the older they get, the more they have, and of all the things women my age do to get on my nerves, this is chief among them.
One of the reasons females who have celebrity crushes grind my gears is because most of these guys they have crushes on are pretty accessible. A perfect example of this is Eddie House. He is hardly a celebrity, and most people reading this blog don’t even know he is, but I know mad women who love them some Eddie House. Yet, they don’t even watch basketball (he plays for the Celtics, and doesn’t even start). When I was discussing this post I write right now to a woman I have a crush on (who favors Paula Patton by the way), and brought up Eddie House’s name, she started to laugh. Why? Because she’s met him before!
An even better example is Tiger Woods. Without a doubt, Tiger Woods was arguably the most famous athlete in the world, and an easy nomination for Top 5 most famous person in the world, period. Who did he marry? A f*cking nanny. Who were his mistresses? I don’t know either, but I know who they weren’t. They weren’t anyone famous. As a matter of fact, those women were so un-famous, that I can honestly say I will never bring my very normal girlfriend around him.
Any woman, no matter her occupation or status, has an opportunity to nab herself some famous man because famous men, unlike famous women, are easily accessible. And we’re not talking about groupies, who actively purusue famous men, we’re talking about normal women, who work normal jobs and get pointed out by famous men. It’s all so innocent, until it’s not.
This is the difficulty of being a normal, everyday guy. Anytime a bunch of un-famous guys go out to the club where some famous guy is partying too, they’re clamoring for the women left on the dance floor who are only there because there’s not enough room in Tiger’s VIP section.
Meanwhile, a man like me can only hope to meet Tracey Heggins in real life, but if not, maybe I’ll meet a girl who looks like her.
And just in case you all forgot who she is already, a reminder. I’m so serious when I say, I want to go to soup with that woman.