Please, A Moratorium on Pole Dancing and Fellatio Classes
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Before I get into today’s post, a quick plug for my new blog hosted on VIBE.com called “The Eldrick Woods Relationship Blog”. There, I will be able to vent my thoughts on the latest celebrity relationship news, like a Dr. Phil without the doctor part. Posts will be made there every Wednesday, and I ask that anyone who is a fan of this blog to please support the EWR blog on VIBE.com. After all, VIBE asked me to be a part of their blog lineup after they saw the support I get over here, so please, show them they made a smart move.
Now on to today’s post.
Ladies, please don’t bother enrolling in anymore pole dancing or fellatio classes. At least, don’t do it for me.
When I first heard about these classes in the mid-Aughts, I thought it was a swell idea, but not for the obvious reasons. The way I saw it, this was a sign of progress, a true shedding of old traditions and a true embrace of new ones. We, as a society, were becoming more and more used to the idea of EVERY WOMAN dancing on a pole and going down on her man.
But then, somewhere along the years, I noticed how more and more women were just using these classes as an excuse to get together. Today, these classes are no longer about learning, they’re more about socializing, like modern-day versions of Tupperware parties or Mary Kay meetings. Women want to say they took a class on either one of these subjects just so they could say they’re comfortable with their bodies or if ever they get a man (assuming they don’t have one at the time), they now have the knowledge and education to please him. But honestly, they’re being convinced the devil doesn’t exist.
Let’s start with the pole dancing classes. I am willing to bet a $100 stack of dollar bills that 99 percent of women who take a pole dancing class don’t have a pole in their own place, thus rendering any lessons they learn obsolete the minute they leave the class. I mean, really, where in their apartment or house are they going to apply whatever it is they learned? On the side of a door? The other issue with the women who take these pole dancing classes is most women I know who have taken the pole dancing class only take one. One class! Not two, not a semester’s worth of classes that meet on Tuesday and Thursdays. Just one! Now, I’m pretty sure a lot can be learned in one four hour session, but I have been to enough strip clubs to know no one can learn what the professionals do in a matter of hours. As my boy ER told me, that is like if I went to the boxing gym one Saturday for a four hour lesson, with no plans of ever taking one again, then came home and started talking all this trash like, “Baby, tonight, when we go out, let somebody say something to you. I will knock him out.” She probably wouldn’t believe me.
The fact that few women taking a pole dancing class don’t own a pole of their own, combined with the fact that most of them only take one class in their life, proves to me they are doing this for vanity reasons, and vanity reasons only. Obviously those classes aren’t for my benefit. And to all the women who want to say these classes are also about working out and getting fit, two thoughts: (1) Join a gym. (2) Woman, please! I used to use a similar excuse when I would tell my mom the reason I play video games for so long is because it helps me with my hand-eye coordination. It did, but who are we kidding?
Fellatio classes, on the other hand, are for my benefit, and in their defense, the women who enroll in these classes are doing so for noble reasons, i.e., me. They’re kind of like the mothers who already know how to cook for their kids but enroll in pizza-making classes just so they can be better than other mothers. I respect that. So the cause is something I can definitely tip my hat to, but honestly if any ladies believe a teacher can teach them something about going down on me that I can’t, I have a piece of land I’d like to sell them called the Pacific Ocean.
Every time I hear about these fellatio classes from a woman, I hear they were taught by a woman and attended to by other women. That is like my woman asking me to take some relationship counseling, and instead of taking her or any other female, I take a bunch of my boys, and the counselor in charge of the relationship counseling is named George Clooney.
My point is this: If any woman I am dating wants to take it upon herself to improve on her oral sex skills, the best teacher she can get is me.
Ladies, I truly do respect and appreciate any woman who enrolls in either of these classes, but honestly, they’re not necessary. Want to do it for self? Be my guest. But do it for me? No thanks because if I wanted to date a professional pole dancer, I’d have dated a stripper, and if she were the type of woman who needed lessons on how to be better at oral sex, I probably wouldn’t be dating her in the first place.
And another reminder: The Eldrick Woods Relationship Blog on VIBE.com