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Please, A Moratorium on Pole Dancing and Fellatio Classes

January 13th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Before I get into today’s post, a quick plug for my new blog hosted on VIBE.com called “The Eldrick Woods Relationship Blog”. There, I will be able to vent my thoughts on the latest celebrity relationship news, like a Dr. Phil without the doctor part. Posts will be made there every Wednesday, and I ask that anyone who is a fan of this blog to please support the EWR blog on VIBE.com. After all, VIBE asked me to be a part of their blog lineup after they saw the support I get over here, so please, show them they made a smart move.

Now on to today’s post.

Ladies, please don’t bother enrolling in anymore pole dancing or fellatio classes. At least, don’t do it for me.

When I first heard about these classes in the mid-Aughts, I thought it was a swell idea, but not for the obvious reasons. The way I saw it, this was a sign of progress, a true shedding of old traditions and a true embrace of new ones. We, as a society, were becoming more and more used to the idea of EVERY WOMAN dancing on a pole and going down on her man.

But then, somewhere along the years, I noticed how more and more women were just using these classes as an excuse to get together. Today, these classes are no longer about learning, they’re more about socializing, like modern-day versions of Tupperware parties or Mary Kay meetings. Women want to say they took a class on either one of these subjects just so they could say they’re comfortable with their bodies or if ever they get a man (assuming they don’t have one at the time), they now have the knowledge and education to please him. But honestly, they’re being convinced the devil doesn’t exist.

Let’s start with the pole dancing classes. I am willing to bet a $100 stack of dollar bills that 99 percent of women who take a pole dancing class don’t have a pole in their own place, thus rendering any lessons they learn obsolete the minute they leave the class. I mean, really, where in their apartment or house are they going to apply whatever it is they learned? On the side of a door? The other issue with the women who take these pole dancing classes is most women I know who have taken the pole dancing class only take one. One class! Not two, not a semester’s worth of classes that meet on Tuesday and Thursdays. Just one! Now, I’m pretty sure a lot can be learned in one four hour session, but I have been to enough strip clubs to know no one can learn what the professionals do in a matter of hours. As my boy ER told me, that is like if I went to the boxing gym one Saturday for a four hour lesson, with no plans of ever taking one again, then came home and started talking all this trash like, “Baby, tonight, when we go out, let somebody say something to you. I will knock him out.” She probably wouldn’t believe me.

The fact that few women taking a pole dancing class don’t own a pole of their own, combined with the fact that most of them only take one class in their life, proves to me they are doing this for vanity reasons, and vanity reasons only. Obviously those classes aren’t for my benefit. And to all the women who want to say these classes are also about working out and getting fit, two thoughts: (1) Join a gym. (2) Woman, please! I used to use a similar excuse when I would tell my mom the reason I play video games for so long is because it helps me with my hand-eye coordination. It did, but who are we kidding?

Fellatio classes, on the other hand, are for my benefit, and in their defense, the women who enroll in these classes are doing so for noble reasons, i.e., me. They’re kind of like the mothers who already know how to cook for their kids but enroll in pizza-making classes just so they can be better than other mothers. I respect that. So the cause is something I can definitely tip my hat to, but honestly if any ladies believe a teacher can teach them something about going down on me that I can’t, I have a piece of land I’d like to sell them called the Pacific Ocean.

Every time I hear about these fellatio classes from a woman, I hear they were taught by a woman and attended to by other women. That is like my woman asking me to take some relationship counseling, and instead of taking her or any other female, I take a bunch of my boys, and the counselor in charge of the relationship counseling is named George Clooney.

My point is this: If any woman I am dating wants to take it upon herself to improve on her oral sex skills, the best teacher she can get is me.

Ladies, I truly do respect and appreciate any woman who enrolls in either of these classes, but honestly, they’re not necessary. Want to do it for self? Be my guest. But do it for me? No thanks because if I wanted to date a professional pole dancer, I’d  have dated a stripper, and if she were the type of woman who needed lessons on how to be better at oral sex, I probably wouldn’t be dating her in the first place.

And another reminder: The Eldrick Woods Relationship Blog on VIBE.com

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  • http://alishawritinglife.wordpress.com Alisha

    “Ladies, I truly do respect and appreciate any woman who enrolls in either of these classes, but honestly, they’re not necessary. Want to do it for self? Be my guest. But do it for me? No thanks because if I wanted to date a professional pole dancer, I’d of dated a stripper, and if she were the type of woman who needed lessons on how to be better at oral sex, I probably wouldn’t be dating her in the first place.”

    Point taken. I get where you’re coming from. It’s the same thing as asking our girlfriends what men are thinking in relationships. We, as women will never know, but I guess it’s more comfortable to ask each other.

    Ironically, I was going to schedule a pole-dancing class for my birthday. It’s THE thing for ladies’ bdays and bachelorette parties. lol

  • jackie

    I thought pole dancing classes were supposed to be for working out also…

  • SassyNoLA

    Nah- stripper classes are necessary for me. As a responsible adult, i realize that having a back-up plan is necessary if this whole grad school thing doesn’t work out. i plan to take classes because it’s the responsible thing to do! HA! my 1 free stripper pole class taught me that i have no effing upper-body strength, no types abs, and no rhythm (who knew?! obviously dancing to bounce music all my life had hidden that i don’t have rhythm with any other music). I am now determined to be a beast in the gym and conquer that freaking pole! there’s one particular move that i will not rest until i master! it never occurred to me to take the class for a man i’m dating because, like you said, neither of us have a pole. for some reason, i don’t think many women take the classes for their men either. i do think they take it for empowerment/comfort with their sexuality. you couldn’t tell me i wasn’t the sexiest thang on the street after mastering THE most basic/easiest/unimpressive stripper move ever. but the point is that knowing i could do that move made me feel GRRREAT! it’s like wearing lingerie under my work clothes- it’s not about any man ever seeing the lingerie or anyone knowing i’m wearing the lingerie. ME knowing that i have on lingerie under my clothes makes me feel sexy and turns ME on. so eh…

    i didn’t know about the fellatio classes. i just thought that was some randomness from “real sex.” didn’t know it was really common or easily accessible. HA! i assume students practice on bananas? Maybe pickles or cucumbers? anyway, i definitely agree that the best teacher would be the receiver; however, i would assume these classes give women more confidence in their skills and more reasons/eagerness to practice their lessons so that’s really good news for all the men with eager student women. those classes are a blessing to you! lol. no complaints!

  • SassyNoLA

    my little free pole dancing class was someone’s bday. lol. it was the CUTEST thing ever! she got all the girls t-shirts made with stripper names on the back. champagne, strawberries, good eats. had a fabulous time.

  • SassyNoLA

    sorry. posted the previous comment to the wrong person. don’t know how to delete/move it.

    but to your comment, those classes are BEYOND a work out. i was sore for weeks afterward. if you’re not coordinated (like me), expect to be all bruised up. i kept falling off the pole. lol. everyone at my office thought i was in an abusive relationship. stripping is crazy hard and i have a whole new respect for strippers. they really are artistes. i thought stripping was just taking your clothes off and swinging around a pole a couple times. NOT SO! these women are TALENTED! gymnasts in a past life.

  • Whitney

    I agree, the classes are crazy, but fun. I took a lap dance class w/some friends for her 40th bday. I also agree strippers are talented azz hell. I was @ a strip club and this one girl amazed me w/her strength. I am not gay, but I had to give the girl some money on that move. LOL On the fellatio class, I never needed those classes. My boy would let me practice on him. I would call him/let him know I needed to practice or brush on a problem I was having, of course he was willing to teach me…. LOL what a wonderful friend.

  • sugarae215

    ‘I have a piece of land I’d like to sell them called the Pacific Ocean’…..LMFAO….classic! Maybe those classes are more for socialization purposes (I totally see your point with the pole classes…although, I did plan on getting a pole installed in my house once I buy one lol)…but, so what…it’s all in the name of fun and female-bonding. Fellatio classes….mmmmmm sounds like a definite rip-off. Go watch a flick or something (or ask your man)…problem solved lol. Great post as always…very entertaining.

  • http://alishawritinglife.wordpress.com Alisha

    You can actually order stripper poles and set them up at home in any random rule. I saw some for $75. Umm…I need more practice. Pole dancing is NOT a game.

  • http://renrexx.blogspot.com Ren

    I always wondered what the point was of taking pole dancing lessons if you didn’t have a place to practice in privacy first. And even if installation is cheap, what thoughts are running through my family’s minds when they come visit?
    I’d pay for lap dancing classes though.
    Fellatio classes I would take just so that I could surprise my guy with a new trick. That’s it.

  • Nadirah

    I definitely appreciate your honesty in this post. I tried to link to your VIBE blog but I got an error message that the page is not found. HELP!!!

  • Nappy Spirit

    Today, these classes are no longer about learning, they’re more about socializing, like modern-day versions of Tupperware parties or Mary Kay meetings. LOL Tru dat. My co-workers who took the pole class brought the pole too cause one class does not a master make. I haven’t taken either of the classes you mentioned I prefer a one-on-one clinic with my man and I’ve found quite a bit of inspiration from erotica and a book entitled “He Comes Next” Imagination is a beautiful thing. Classes that I do take that I have gotten MAD movement skills from is YOGA!! I didn’t realize the added benefits until a sexual healing session with my honey after a few classes. My motto now “Yoga for life”.
    peace

  • Janine

    this was entertaining, but I had to sit back and think…are there any classes or events that men go to (on their own – not w/ their girlfriends or wives) SOLELY for the purpose of learning to please the women in their lives? Even with the pole dancing/fellatio classes the idea is that your current man or new man will benefit from your newly polished skills. What skill do men as a group attempt to learn just for the benefit of their women?

  • *inquiring mind*

    I will say that one episode of “real sex” I saw had me feeling like dat beesh- *brushes shoulder off*

  • *inquiring mind*

    uh yeah- that yoga ish… second dat!

  • Kady

    There are pole dancing classes at my gym, I never had the urge to take one but I think the women who attend do so consistently, becuase they also have advance classes. I’ve also heard that they take field trips to Sin City for amateur night or something. I don’t ever need that much attention *Kanye shrug*.

  • Teach It

    “…I’d of dated a stripper…

    You mean “I’d have”, as in “I would have” or ” I would’ve”. Just lookin’ out- especially with you going all international on us with Vibe. ;)

  • Kady

    Wow, he was probably like “Your doing it wrong, you need more practice let me clear my schedule for the week” Lucky guy!

  • afro

    if you gotta take a class on fellatio, you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the 1st place! lose the teeth & the gag reflex and you are pretty much good to go…

  • Muriel

    Well I am one of the few who take pole dancing classes AND own a pole at home.
    Why? Certainly not to please a man, but because this is simply the best workout ever.

    Before I started pole dancing, I was going to the gym, and I liked it.
    But when a 6 week pole dancing course gave me a (almost) 6 pack, I decided to switch, and I haven´t looked back. Aside from having the most sculpted body ever, I also work on my cardio and my flexibility on the pole.

    I maybe one of the few, but the girls who go to pole classes with me don´t do it to socialize but to master those difficult tricks, we are all serious about it.
    We are all pole addicts!!
    But then again, it may be different in London.

  • oc

    Thank you for that.

  • A.

    “Every time I hear about these fellatio classes from a woman, I hear they were taught by a woman and attended to by other women.”

    COSIGN. Why is everything about how to please a man written or taught by women?! I’ve had to start giving Cosmo and Glamour a suspect eye — what do they really know about pleasing a man? And even if a man did teach the class, just because he wants you to bark like a dog and smack his butt three times, doesn’t mean all men do!! lol, love the one you’re with!! : D

  • Ondrea

    I tried a pole dancing class ONCE, so you were right about that. But the reason I did not go back was because it made me realize I had no upper body strength. I take my hat off to the ladies that do it with ease. The ability to pull yourself up the pole, do different moves and still look sexy is not an easy feat!

  • http://metanotherfrog.com/category/sam-sharpe/ Sam Sharpe

    Clearly you haven’t been on the receiving end of a blow job from a woman who just graduated from the University of Fellatio. In my experience, I’ve witnessed a noticeable improvement in a woman’s technique and skill after taking one of those fellatio classes. But maybe that’s just me.

  • http://steamywindows.wordpress.com Jamila J

    Well any woman coming after you might feel the need to take these classes because in the back of her head she’s probably thinking, “If I can show Jozen these splits I learned he might take me out for more than soup tonight!”

  • *inquiring mind*

    zing!

  • the best BJ classes come from gay men. PLAIN and simple.

  • me-me

    i never knew about fellatio classes until i saw real sex.. i still don’t see the point in sucking on a plastic penis…. i will leave that for the porn stars and full time lesbians

    but to respond to this “And to all the women who want to say these classes are also about working out and getting fit, two thoughts: (1) Join a gym. (2) Woman, please! “”

    my gym, Flirty Girl Fitness, offers this class.. so i joined a gym that happens to have a room dedicated to pole dancing and my arms, legs, back, abs and butt has never looked better. if you over do it at pole dancing you could mess up your rotators and have serious issues. there are women who use the classes as “bonding” moments for bachelorette parties or b-day parties.. but other than that most women are in there to workout–i’m talking chalk on hands like a gymnast and gloves to keep your hands calus free…. (atleast at my establishment).

    besides.. i use their chair strip tease classes for pleasing my mate… :)

  • me-me

    lmao… lmao.. now that was funny

  • Leah J

    Best. Comment. Ever.