Every month, a woman has a stretch of days where it is best if they don’t engage in any type of fornication whatsoever. Physically, it’s still possible, but it’s best we don’t, unless we’re at a point in the relationship where we don’t give a damn and have towels to spare.
I have these times too, although, one can’t set their watch to it like we sometimes can with the female dilemma. For me, the times I don’t feel like having sex are stretched out over certain times of the day or certain times of the year and unlike the mother nature-induced female situation, the times I don’t feel like sex are more about my mood. In other words, sometimes, i just don’t feel like it. Here are five of those times where it’s more than likely to be the case.
RIGHT AFTER I EAT
Food, you perverts. I don’t know how anyone else feels about sex after dinner or breakfast, but me personally, I’ll pass.
A long time ago, parents told us it’s never good to go swimming right after we eat, which in retrospect is weird, because I feel like a lot of kids got the same warning and like me, they always got it when there wasn’t a pool anywhere in sight. Anyway, I say all that to say, someone should have said not to have sex right after Thanksgiving dinner, because I tried that once, and I had tears in my eyes, not cause it felt good, but because my whole right side was cramping up as she told me to keep going.
Home From The Club
Now, if I am still inebriated, of course I will want to make the night complete with some good old fashioned sex. But if I’m sober, and my 20/20 vision is working at 100 percent, and I can see that run in her stocking, the sweat on her forehead, that smudgy eye shadow and those tired, red eyes, all while she’s finishing up her four stack of pancakes at IHOP, not only am I going to pass on the implied plans, I am going to drop her off or asked to be dropped off. Sometimes a woman leaves the club looking like she needs some sleep. And a shower.
Right Before Bed
For all my readers who have ever lived with their partner, this time should be easy to understand. I just spent all evening with this woman, who I love very much, who I find incredibly sexy most hours of the day and who turns me on by doing the littlest things. She just spent all evening with me, but now (right NOW), after I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and put on my basketball shorts, she wants to get it on? Why now when we had all night or sometimes all day? Was it the way I gargled and spit my mouthwash out? Or did we just become a married Quaker couple and I forgot it was time for the Friday night special?
It’s been my experience that really good sex rarely happens during an orchestrated moment. Really good sex happens at a moment’s notice and puts both parties to sleep.
Right After She Has Finished Using the Bathroom
I know I’m not the only one to whom this has happened. I’m making out with a girl, things are going really well when all of a sudden, she hits me with the, “Hold up, wait. I have to use the bathroom real quick.”
Ladies, I understand when one has to go, they have to go, but please understand, unless the toilet plays R. Kelly’s “12 Play” when it flushes and when you step out of the bathroom there is another woman right behind you who has been hiding in the bathtub all along, going to the bathroom right before sex is a momentum killer.
For VIBE, I once wrote a blog inspired by last year’s hit single, “Birthday Sex” by Jeremih. In it, I basically called the whole idea of real birthday sex overrated. I also feel the same way about things like Valentine’s Day.
The fact of the matter is, any healthy relationship between two people is going to have good sex pretty much all the time. My birthday is on July 18, five months and four days after Valentine’s Day, and I honestly hope any woman I am with is doing her best to break me off steadily between those dates, because I know I am. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have sex on my birthday and on Valentine’s Day, but I’m also down to do it the day before and after either of those days. And I’m down to do it well. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: Birthday sex, no matter how many candles she wants to light or how she wants to dress it up, is not a gift. It’s like wrapping up the television I already own and when I unwrap it, she’s screaming, “Surprise!”
But I already had this. Yesterday.
Some Fine Print
Author’s Note: The trouble with hosting this blog and having to come up with fresh, new content five days a week, is there will be times when I might repeat myself or some variation there of. This is one of those times.
In a post I wrote months ago, entitled “Hell Yeah I Don’t Want to Have Sex With You“, I listed four moments I don’t feel like having sex. I completely forgot about this after I wrote the post above, and because I am not going to re-write another post, I am sticking this quick note at the bottom so people know that I know, I did something like this already. Besides, I like this one way better than the last one. I hope you all did too.