Why Girlfriends Matter
I can’t recall if it was a man or a woman who said it. Maybe it was both. But I do remember the first time I heard someone say being somebody’s girlfriend doesn’t really matter. And I do remember thinking, Wow, that’s wrong.
I don’t have a girlfriend right now. Haven’t for a while now, and to be honest, sometimes that matters. Sometimes it makes me think of the girls who I could have made my girlfriend, but because I knew I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend, I didn’t ask them. It sounds like a cop out, I know, but trust me it isn’t. I was a professional boyfriend for a long time, but I was so bad at it, I’ve been demoted to professional bachelor until further notice.
Still, my time spent with girlfriends past mattered then and it matters now.
Girlfriends, all of them, matter.
All due respect to the wives and the fiancees of the world. I see you all and my hats off to you. But do me a favor: Don’t forget the status from which you came. Before you were a man’s wife or fiancee, you were his girlfriend.
If it wasn’t for my girlfriends, I’d still be a foreigner in the land of emotions. How to love, how to kiss, how to have sex, how to care about someone else more than I care about myself (although that last one is something I’m still working on), all of these things I became fluent in because a girlfriend taught me the languages. The list of lessons they’ve bestowed on me is endless and I hope it continues to grow because I want to learn more.
Show me a man who says girlfriends don’t matter and I’ll show you a man who has never mattered to someone else. Unlucky them. They know the truth, that girlfriends matter. They’ve just never made it a point to find out what having one feels like. Never made themselves available to be someone’s boyfriend. Poor soul. It’s like their living life at half speed.
Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes girlfriends can best be described in one word that starts with a B. Sometimes they are our worst enemy. Sometimes they hurt. But so are the people we work with, and we don’t quit the job; so are our family members, and we don’t quit them. Girlfriends, as much of a headache as they can be, matter none the less.
Girlfriends matter to me, which is not to say that I want one, it’s just to say that I’ve had one or two. I never had a wife, never been engaged. But I did live with a girlfriend once upon a time, and even though we’re not together anymore, she matters. The ones who came before her, the ones I didn’t live with, they matter too. And if you don’t get how that can be, ask their new boyfriends. Those lucky bastards who are now boyfriends to my ex-girlfriends. They’ll tell you their girlfriends matter.
Girlfriends matter. Just ask the men I know who will kill for their girlfriends. I know quite a few of them, just like I know quite a few husbands who act like their wives don’t exist. Girlfriends matter, titles don’t. So the question is not who I’m loving, if she is my wife, fiancee, or girlfriend. The question is, am I loving her to the best of my ability? I don’t think a title should dictate such things.
Girlfriends matter like practice matters. If marriage is the big game, the girlfriend stage is all the preparation leading up to it. And some men are going to practice hard, while others are going to take to it like Allen Iverson (We’re talking about practice! Not a game! Practice!). But practice no matter which way we cut it, still makes perfect, so let a man get the hang of the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing before he dives into the husband/wife thing. Better he messes up the former than the latter.
Girlfriends matter, and when I say this, I want the ladies to understand it more than the men do. I want the girlfriend who’s been a girlfriend for what seems like forever to understand she matters to her boyfriend. I know she’s tired of a relationship in which the most significant symbol of their bond is reflected in the Relationship Status column on Facebook (In a Relationship!). To her, this whole girlfriend thing is starting to matter much less than it used to. But girlfriend, think back to the days before he was in your life and recall the moment when you wanted nothing more than to be that man’s girlfriend. The ring could wait, you thought. Right now, your hand will suffice. So give it to me, and let’s walk down this street together. Show everyone that I’m your girlfriend.
Men need girlfriends, it’s the only way we learn how to love and how to hurt. We don’t learn it from mothers, we don’t learn it from others (no rhyme intended) who love us unconditionally. We learn it from a girlfriend. Maybe she was the one we had in the first grade. Maybe she was the one we had in college. Maybe we’re together. Maybe we’re not. Who knows? All I know is I know so much more about everything because of the girlfriends I’ve had and that’s why they mattered then and they matter now.
I love your blog, because regardless of the topic you are honest. Whether we as readers agree with your opinions, we can respect you for being open with your feelings and thoughts. So, Kudos to you for having incredible writing skills and the courage to share your views on subjects that many of us ponder but are too afraid to talk about with others.
BTW I loved yesterday’s post, actually I pretty much love all of them. Keep up the good work!
-A dedicated reader
I really like this piece Jozen. “Show me a man who says girlfriends don’t matter and I’ll show you a man who has never mattered to someone else.”–Very powerful. Moreover, this statement describes the man who has never KNOWN that he mattered to anyone else. That IS unlucky for him. Nicely written.
“The question is, am I loving her to the best of my ability? I don’t think a title should dictate such things.”
the realest shit you ever wrote. i love your analogy that girlfriends are like practice and marriage is the big game. really good read.
Ok my eyes have stop watering enough for me to finally comment. This has got to be one of the realest, most honest and sincere posts you have written. It just kind of tugs at the heartstrings a little to hear a grown man speak grown words from his heart with no hesitation. Keep talking sweet nothings like this and we’ll have you married in no time….or at least covered in hot groupie sweat, lol. As usual, GREAT stuff! Keep it up, you’re making The Hilltop proud:-)
I don’t know Jozen… sounds like someone is ready for a girlfriend to me- I’m just sayin.
Nice post btw
I was referred to ur blog by a friend but Good post!!
I think alot of people are concerned more about a title when it benefits them. In reality it’s like u said most important thing is what that person means and how he/she has influnced the other person.
Good stuff Jozen. After reading this, I think many women will think about past relationships and not frown, knowing that in some way, shape, or form, they mattered and had an impact on their lives…even though it may be unspoken by many of them
This is a great post! Very honest and real!
Honest. Sincere. Wonderful analogies. Loved it.
Wow. This is an amazing post. As someone who was just sort of, well, heartbroken, and got out of a serious relationship, this post gave me a little sense of comfort. I don’t know why, but it did.
Thanks.
Always so incredibly refreshing and easy to relate to,loooved it!
Well done, man.
**enters with a broom to sweep the panties off the stage**
this one was a miss for me. how does one practice being married? can you practice love, or practice fidelity? should people with “failed” marriages blame not having enough practice? this new age way of dating, relating, and making excuses for why it’s okay to do what we do (especially in our community) is why i opt to date “others” (preferably non-americans).
reasons why girlfriends don’t matter matter:
1. u can have 5 girlfriends and be called a pig or a Michael Jordan. if you had 5 wives, you’d go to jail (in america). when you break up with a girlfriend.. you don’t have to pay her alimony.
2. in the state of illinois, it is illegal for a wife to have her tubes tied without her husbands consent. it is not illegal for a girlfriend to do so.
3. a girlfriend is not recognized in the hospital as having “power of attorney” in case something goes wrong on the operating table (unless otherwise stated–common law etc).. they will call the parents or siblings first.
4. some may say being a girlfriend is a prerequisite to being wife –if so, how many women are still getting that remedial education?
5. For the bible heads,God doesn’t recognize girlfriends.
people are products of their environment.. the negative and the positive. every woman i know that grew up daddy-less has some type of daddy issue–constantly searching to fill that void. her “boyfriends” or “husband” end up paying the price until she wakes up. the boyfriends didn’t show her how to love or hurt.. her ghost dad did.
Great post and heavy with truth. Every gf I’ve ever had mattered, and having grown up with a single mom with no active example of relationships, they’ve mattered that much more. In a perverse way, the women I’ve dated have been the example that the father I lacked and husband my mother didn’t have wasn’t. I can tell my son “no, that won’t work” or “son, you can/can’t treat her that way” or “she’s not good for you” because of my trials and (mostly) errors with women.
I will say that telling a gf or a potential one that you know you’re not good for her isn’t a cop out. Might hurt her feelings but if you know the deal, it’s better for you to hurt her now then later. It’s also not a demotion to be a professional bachelor. Better professional bachelorhood than amateur husbandry.
Great post! You will lose if you think you can go straight from Bachelor to Husband because of a mythological concept that you’ll “figure it out” when you meet the One. I’m not an advocate of handing out wifey status to any girl who wants a title, but you do, at some point, need to go beyond Webster’s definition of commitment, and actually understand what it means, and how it feels. When you actually go through the motions and realize that a girlfriend is a) replaceable or b) someone you can’t live without – then you’ll know exactly what to do next.
This was wonderful. “Ain’t no more to it.” Just wonderful
Girlfriends most definitely matter. My most recent (non cut buddy)and currently only true girlfriend (thus far), circa 2001-06, still matters. I don’t talk to her but twice a year…maybe, and despite the fact that she broke my heart, trampled it, reconciled it, only to break it again… (I should insert “I allowed her to trample, etc”) she still matters because she showed me my first version of everything; love, being in love, sex vs. making love vs. fucking, hate, forgiveness, trustworthiness… the list goes on and on. And a small part of me will always know she matters. She matters because she made me look at myself after our relationship and see that despite one party was responsible for ending it, both of us had flaws that would not have allowed us to last. Girlfriends matter…
I love this line “Men need girlfriends, it’s the only way we learn how to love and how to hurt.” Its so true for both men and women… not every GF or BF is brought into your life to be your soulmate… people are brought into your life on many levels for a purpose that are often unknown initially but to help with your growth.. and this is beyond romantic, this is in everyday life with co-workers, friends, etc. People on all levels are brought into your life for a reason. Love your outtake on the matter.
You are an amazing writer! I’ve read a couple of your posts and articles over the years and you make me proud to be a Bison!
Thanks, for revealing your soul so close to Valentine’s Day.
You took the words right out of my head Tunde. Love it.
Since everyone already hit the high notes, can I just say: “I’m supposed to be the franchise player.”
Haha damn, that clip never gets old.
If you haven’t seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exOxUAntx8I
“The ring could wait, you thought. Right now, your hand will suffice. So give it to me, and let’s walk down this street together. Show everyone that I’m your girlfriend.”
This statement exemplifies exactly what I’m feeling for him right now!
You hit this one dead on, Jozen…thank you!
I lOVE this one, well thought out and executed!
OMG! So touching and so honest. So when are you publishing your own magazine? Chief Editor maybe…you go boy! Loved it!
found you thanks to my childhood friend (better known by the masses as lowkey) i figure if he respects you, how could i not. think your writing is great; and YOU are pretty awesome as well. keep doing what you’re doing, and i’ll keep following.
oh yeah… love this piece.
Yeah this was a sweet post guys everywhere should give their girlfriends a standing ovation…
My boyfriend should thank you for posting this… After reading, I almost instantly changed my thoughts from any problems in our relationship to how thankful I am to have him in my life and how much he matters to me. Without him or our relationship I wouldn’t know what love is, I wouldn’t know it was possible to care for someone more than you care for yourself. We’re long distance because I decided to go to college on the East Coast while he stayed in the Midwest, which is no easy task. But I think the distance is a main reason it’s easier to pay attention to the problems and issues we have versus all the great things we have. So thank you, for reminding me that my boyfriend matters even in the worst of situations.
i liked this post…i got married at a young age(19) i have no excuse for that because i did it,i said yes,i took the vow…i just wish i had that practice first and maybe some of the things that go on.i would have been past
man i hope u read your own shit…if so when ur time come u might be problem free lol
The 2nd to last paragraph made me smile. Because, yes we do forget. And sometimes, it doesn’t seem like enough. Then there are those conversations… and in this case blogs… that remind you why you keep holding on.
Awwww
i agree with you!
awwww
Stumbled across your blog and I LOVE this entry. I agree that titles don’t matter, BUT they can help you gage intentions. For instance, if you’re dating someone for a while AND you’re ONLY dating each other, it doesn’t neccesarily mean you’re exclusive and not open to dating other people. If you’re not sure where you stand with someone, the “where do we stand?”/”what am I to you?”/”what’s MY title?” discussion will clarify their intentions and expectations when their actions seem ambiguous. We should focus on the connection and quality of our relationships and the “title” will take care of itself.