Five Things A Woman Should Have At Her Place
“I got Alize at my house. I don’t drink Alize, but b*tches do.”– Katt Williams
All men have something at their place to help set the mood with the female company they entertain. Maybe it’s a bottle of Alize, like Katt Williams, or maybe it’s a copy of Clueless. Incense and candles are also common. The whole point of these things is to get a woman to feel comfortable enough to sleep with us.
Women, on the other hand, never seem to have the comforts for men to enjoy.This is not to say I need certain things to get me in the mood. Trust me, the mere sight of the woman is going to be enough. But what a woman does need to provide for me is comfortable distractions.
Every time I want to leave a woman’s house, she wants to know why. Well, it’s not because I don’t like her. It’s because her place is boring as hell or it’s missing certain things I need.
Comfortable distractions can serve one of two purposes. For the women who invite me over for some platonic company, who don’t want to sleep with me, comfortable distractions are a great way to keep me focused on something other than her body. For the women who do invite me over to sleep with them, but would like me to stay for a while afterward, comfortable distractions will help me stay put. They won’t distract me from her, but they will distract me from what’s going on outside of her four walls.
Women, I’m sorry to say, are not enough sometimes. They, like me and my brethren, need to have the comforts too.
So ladies, consider this my Valentine’s Day gift to all of you. Five things you should have in your place to get a man to come over and stay a little while longer. Happy
HIGH SPEED INTERNET ACCESS
This could just be my thing, but there is nothing like a woman who has high speed Internet, mostly because there is nothing more annoying than a woman who wants to show me a video on YouTube and it takes 15 minutes to buffer.
Everyone knows what I’m talking about. She’s all like, “Oh, watch this video.” Pulls it up, presses play, it runs for four seconds, then it starts buffering again. And then she’s all like, “Wait.” Then, she gets frustrated when she has to wait four seconds later for it to buffer some more. Meanwhile, I’m trying to cop a feel or kissing her neck, and she’s all like, “Wait, after this video. I just want to show you this.” And I’m thinking, Girl, I don’t want to see the video anymore! I barely wanted to see it when you started! Ladies, step your Internet game up. If not for you, for me.
ESPN, HBO, SpikeTV, and Comedy Central. Every man I know likes at least one or two shows on one of these stations. Spike, for instance, always has on some classic man movie I like, like Rocky or Karate Kid. If a woman has HBO On Demand, I just might marry her. Nothing like catching up on my Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel or Entourage. And if a woman has Sportscenter cued up as I’m walking in her apartment, I’m definitely getting her a ring as soon as I finish watching the highlights. Never ever underestimate the power of good, quality television, ladies.
Because men are competitive creatures, we never ever back down from a challenge, especially if it’s put forth by a woman. I may not be coming over to play Wii Tennis or Scrabble or Uno, but if I decline the challenge and a woman says to me, “Oh, why don’t you want to play? You afraid of getting that butt whooped? Are you a b*tch?”, here’s what I’m going to do:
I’m taking off my shoes. I’m drawing a line on a piece of paper to separate our scores. The heading on my column is going to read “Chris Brown”. The heading on hers is going to say “Rihanna”. Then, I am going to whoop her butt at every game she owns. When we’re done with those, I might buy more games just to whoop her some more. I will come over every other day for a year just to let her know I run this place.
This is how particular I am about keeping my phone battery charged.
When I meet a woman and we’re exchanging numbers, I always take a look to see if the charge port on her phone is the same as mine. If it isn’t, I make a mental note to try and have a full charge on my phone before I go over to her place because if I do run out of juice, I’m leaving.
“My phone is dying,” has become one of the best I-have-to-go excuses in recent years. But if she has the right equipment for me to charge my battery, that is at least another 30-45 minutes of chill time with each other. Extra points to the woman who also has an iPod charger.
I have a boy who loves Gushers. He buys them in bulk at Costco, that’s how much he loves them. And he once told me, “Man, if a woman had a box of Gushers at her crib, I’d move in with her.”
Ladies, take note.
I understand times have changed. Most women don’t cook like they used to. They work all day and come home tired. So yeah, I know, a woman cooking for a man, we’re sort of off that in 2010. But that doesn’t mean I’m any less hungry. Got some chips? An apple? Remember ladies, the idea is to keep a man there. If a woman gives me any reason to make a quick store run, she’s basically giving me reason to leave and so she shouldn’t be surprised when I hit her from the corner store talking about, “Hey, look, I’m kind of tired, so I’m just going to head home.” Unless she’s smart enough to say, “Hey, while you’re out there getting that pack of Famous Amos, get some condoms too. The 12-pack if they have them. We’re going to need them.”