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A Sound I've Never Heard

February 22nd, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

You know, women break hearts too.

I’ve had my heart broken. Not a lot of times, but once or twice  and I wonder if those women were aware of it now or then. I wouldn’t know though. I don’t talk to them, because you know, they broke my heart.

But I digress, back to women breaking hearts.

Over the years I have made great efforts to stop making gross generalizations about women. A lot of things I used to say about one woman usually began with something like, “You women…” From there, I would break into a tirade about not only this one woman who did something I did not like, but the entire gender.

Not fair. I know.

But there is one generalization I do feel comfortable with making. Here it is: Women lack accountability.

Women don’t apologize. Women don’t admit they’re wrong. Women don’t think they break a man’s heart.

I have never heard a woman tell me about the time she broke a man’s heart, as though that’s never happened. Whenever I write a post about something I did wrong, most of the comments I read from women include some variation of, “I know a guy who did the same thing to me.” But what about the women who did the same things I’ve done or any man has done? The women who can relate to my own mistrials not because it’s happened to them, but because they’ve done it themselves.

I find it funny how a lot of women (not all) will proudly proclaim something like, “Women cheat as much as men do”, but they’re not apologizing for it nearly at the same rate as men. Is it because they never get caught? Sure. But it’s also because like cheating, women know they’re just as wrong as men are, they just don’t want to admit it. At least, I never hear them do such a thing, and I would really like to hear that sound I’ve never heard. The sound of women apologizing, the sound of women saying they broke a man’s heart, the sound of a woman who says, “I’m wrong.”

It reminds me of this time I was sleeping with a taken woman (my bad) and right after we were done doing our thing, her boyfriend called. She tells me to be quiet, and when she picks up the phone, I can hear him on the other end apologizing for something he shouldn’t of said a couple days prior. And the whole time the woman, this woman who just got done doing something she shouldn’t of done with me, is going off on him! Was it awkward? Absolutely. But for me, it was even more upsetting. I wanted to take the phone and tell him not to apologize, to just keep it moving. To this day I wonder if she ever admitted to what she did, if she ever admitted she was wrong.

I’ve been thinking about apologies and accountability a lot. How often women apologize, the things they apologize for, and how often a woman says to any man (or fellow woman, I’m wrong). Last week I said men spend half their life doing something wrong, and the other half of their life apologizing for it; women spend their entire life forgiving. And of course some women wanted to act like I said women do nothing wrong, which is not what I was saying at all. Women do wrong, they may be the fairer sex, but they’re not more perfect and yet, they act like apologizing is not lady like.

Or rather, let me modify my last statement by saying, women do apologize for a lot of things. I’m sorry I woke you up. I’m sorry I have to put on this face mask before we go to bed. I’m sorry my place is a mess.

So ladies, I don’t want apologies, I want admittances. I want to hear you all say, “I was wrong the time I…”. That’s what I want to hear, and then, when you all are done commenting, I want you to call up the man whom you  wronged and tell him you  did wrong (unless admitting it will get you killed), because chances are you never did

I don’t know my comments average, but I can safely say it’s around 20 per post. If I get anything less than 20 comments from women about how they messed up a relationship, when they were in the wrong, or when they did something they shouldn’t of done, then I will have proven my point. But hopefully, the ladies will prove me wrong.

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  • T

    I broke my ex’s heart. He came into my life when I was healing from having my own heart broken. I was determined to never let that happen again, never to allow myself to be that vulnerable that one person could hurt me so deeply. And even though I told him I wasn’t ready for him, that I was messed up and still healing, he still was there for me, was wonderful to me, and loved me anyway. While I eventually let myself fall for him too, there was still a part of me that was afraid to put all my love, my energy into one person. And it caused me to not treat his feelings with as much care as they deserved. It caused me to make mistakes, to put other people’s feelings above his, and eventually the damage was too great to repair.

    I have admitted I was wrong and apologized repeatedly, to no avail. I have spent every day of the past two years trying to make up for the pain I caused him, trying to show him through my actions that I am not that girl anymore. But it’s too late; he is afraid of opening his heart to me again, and I have no one to blame but myself. And when I think of how great we were together and how much greater we could have been, it makes me profoundly sad. I will always be sorry for hurting him.

  • danigyrl

    I cheated on my ex-boyfriend. I admitted that I cheated because I felt bad even though I knew I wasn’t going to get caught.

  • Frankie1882

    That’s something I’m kinda dealing with me. This person knows he’s being hard on me, because he’s been hurt by his exes, and when I threaten to move on, he apologizes. But so far, since about October, he’s apologized 3 times. Each time, it just makes the feelings disappear more and more. I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I can completely let him go though. Other people that have done this, I could easily dismiss them from my life, cause I could see where it was headed.

  • cnn

    I read your original post and in all honesty it sounds the same way that “men” date. At least the ones I know lol

  • frehug

    I am sorry I said “Its not my fault I don’t ever do anything wrong” and meant it for so long that it has poisoned us. I do plenty wrong, as much as your do and I admit that from the bottom of my heart. I’m sorry for flipping out about leaving the blinds up or using my cake pans to bake sausage in. I’m sorry for saying you don’t have common sense, or “common sense should tell you…” I say lots of words that hurt and hit you were it hurts most. I am ashamed at this side of my personality and I am wrong for that. I am sorry.

  • Shanda

    Hello, Jozen! Longtime reader/lurker, first-time poster…
    This is a sensitive subject, but here goes:
    I was wrong for breaking up with a great guy over something neither of us had any control over. We were in a committed, long-term (for a 21-year old, anyway) relationship and I got pregnant. I didn’t know I was pregnant until I lost the baby. I was so traumatized from the whirlwind of events, and wanted it all behind me. I broke up with him.
    I was pretty cold about the whole thing. He was a crying, sloppy wreck. The thing is, I think – no, I know – that I broke up with him because when I found out I was pregnant, my first thought wasn’t “Yay!” No, it was more like, “Hell, no. I am NOT ready for this!” The last thing I wanted in my life was a child. I don’t think we (he and I) would have been able to come to an amicable agreement because of my convictions. I know it takes two, and it was a tragedy, but I should not have been so hasty.
    BTW, he’s now a wonderful husband and father. We’ve reconciled the past and are friends. Oh, well.

  • Renee

    PERFECTLY stated… thanks & I LOVE this blog!

  • akreporter

    To my husband, I am sorry for never admitting when I am wrong. I am honestly working on that, which is why I told you that I found the thing that I accused you of taking the other day and then apologized to you for it. I will try my best to do that from now on. I am also sorry for ever discounting your feelings or embarrassing and demasculating you. You don’t deserve that and never have. I am sorry for being a moody B sometimes that is tough to please and for always wanting more than you can give.

    To all the hearts I have broken in the past (I am sure there are plenty). I am sorry for making you fall for me and for making you think that I felt as deeply as you. For many of you I thought I did at the time because I’m a hopeless romantic and in love with the idea of being in love. But just as quickly as I fall in, I lose interest and fall out. You didn’t know I was like that but I did so I’m sorry I didn’t care enough to warn you or protect your feelings from me. I’m sorry for leading you on, cheating on you and then tossing you aside. I’m sorry for all the mind games I played to get you to do what I wanted. I’m sorry for using you for my own selfish gain. I don’t know if it was my own self-esteem issues, greed, power or self-preservation that caused me to treat you that way, but you (probably) didn’t deserve it and I am so sorry for hurting you. That was never my intent.

    Wow. This is therapeutic.

  • akreporter

    Well said Udee. I think there is a definite double standard going on. Men are expected to break our hearts so in a way it seems accepted when they do, but when we do it, when we play the field or “let a good man go,” we are looked at as monsters, cruel heartless b*tches. Honestly I do feel bad for hurting anyone’s feelings, but in the scheme of things . . . the “fairer” sex are just human too. We are greedy and selfish and crave excitement just like they do. Not because we are monsters, but because we are human just like them.

  • ebonifire

    I wonder if there is an expiration date on apologies…

    I don’t really wait long before I issue sincere apologies nor do I have issues with admitting when I’m wrong but I, for one, am not interested in receiving an apology from men who have wronged me years down the road.

    So I’m curious if its the other way around as well. Do you think men put expiration dates on apologies or could that just be an “It depends on the person” type thing?

  • Ondrea

    I was in a relationship where it seems that nothing fazed the guy. Things I said or did never hurt him. I did walk away from that relationship and if it broke his heart, I will never know. I guess that’s his way of being ‘hard”. I did, however apologize to him for things I said that “I” felt were hurtful. I apologized because of how it may me feel to say those things not because of how he felt when I said them. I would have apologized for how he felt, if I knew. Some men think that showing emotions (hurt) is a sign of weakness and I guess he was one of those men.

  • Talitha

    I happened across this blog through a friend of mine on facebook. I have to give you a round of applause for this blog…..You have most certainly touched on something that needs to be addressed. I am a type of woman that has seen this early on from the way my mother did my father. I vowed never to be like that….to play the victim role but to be accountable for my actions and even wise and considerate enough to not even commit actions that would warrant hurt to someone.
    I am actually in the process of writing a book that actually talks about this….about how my fellow female counterparts lack the ability to admit fault or the things they do play a role in pertaining to a relationship or interactions they have.
    Women have a lot of pride. It is not completely 100% our fault because even growing up we are taught to be nice, soft, fragile, any wrong we do just MUST have had been influenced from another party. I would be the first person to stand up and say that women in our entirety actually have the most capability and skill to hurt. We are way more cerebral…we can hurt people just through interaction. So knowing we have this much skill how can I avoid the obvious….that we have the ability to hurt and we do it quite often and quite well at that.
    After I saw how my mother did my father and the pain and hurt this man who just wanted to love and be loved back felt I promised myself I would never replicate any of her actions. Because of this I have gotten a TOTALLY different response from men than the latter who would say all men are dogs, they aren’t about nothing, etc….Most men that I know and have been open with and kind to have really shown me the vast majority just want love without the presence of drama or selfishness.
    Now I won’t sit here and say all men are like this there are some “dogs” out there…but I have found they are a lot of the time a result of the lack of a good woman in their life, or the response to the hurt other women have inflicted on them…and some are just down right selfish and players…
    But to be a woman that is open, kind, willing to admit fault, and humble, it is extremely easy to discern from the men who are like that from the ones that are truly good.
    I hope that one day a mass awakening to our women happens and we see what it truly feels to have love and be loved back without selfishness or pride. Good luck to you! I really hope God brings someone in your life that can uplift you and make you happy. :)

  • b

    im sorry. i messed up. i tried to hurt you like you hurt me. everytime i went tit for tat! sorry

  • kelly pitochelli

    this article is ridiculous. it is not gender specific but humans in general who lie. you should have some standards yourself and not sleep with someone who has bad character. get a life

  • afro

    i f’ed my first love up. i wont even lie about it & i felt badly about it for a while…years in fact. it was a sore spot for me even after i married someone else…and even a tad bit today. we ( the 1st love & I)communicate now via facebook & text messaging, but i know what i did to him & a man like him didn’t deserve it. but you reap what you sew cause i’ve been f’ed up myself on the same strength, so…
    if i knew then what i know now…

  • Conscience

    Great post, as usual both thought provoking and informative. Looks like your message hit home for quite a few of your female readers “Bring em out”. Real talk though, looks like you really hit a nerve with this Kelly chick. Guarantee there’s some history behind that lmao.

  • Fluffynfine

    O.k. so you got us. I know I broke a few hearts/egos in the past, but karma is a bitch and that’s why I keep meeting jerks today.

    Back in the day (early 20’s) I enjoying fucking friends. If there were at least two cute, gett’in money dudes in the crew–I hit them. I enjoyed the fact that they would talk about how good I was to them sexually. They could call me a hoe, but I was that good hoe. For some reason it was thrilling to deal with dudes that knew and hung with each other.

    On two different occasions I dealt with roommates. I would call the house and whomever answered, I would chat with them for awhile then say “let me holla @ so & so real quick.” Of course one of the dude would catch feelings and ask me not to see their man no more, but I would be like why; I like this arrangement. Each dude would give me something completely different than the other.

    Just recently on FB I apologized to this guy that I was seeing, he was cool, had good head but his thang thang was a little short. I hit his cousin and told him about it. He was crushed. I’ll never forget the tears that rolled down his face. At the time, I was all about me and told him to don’t worry, I just fucked M but I care about you. He told me that I changed the way he gave himself to women and to this day he holds his feelings in. Can you imagine how bad I felt that something I did 15 years ago, ruined a good brother? I explained to him how sorry I am that I was such an eff’ed up person back then. I told him he’s missing out on good women because of a freak hoe like me.

    Recently I’ve hurt some brother’s feelings but I was not to blame!! If I tell you that we will only be friends, then that’s what it is. I will spend time with you, bring you soup when you sick, but if you were placed in the friend box—friend box you will forever remain. Don’t get mad that you love me and I go on dates with other men…we are just friends.

  • BlueGreen

    Like evangeline I also apologized too much even for things I didn’t do just to keep the peace. Now I do admit that I cheated. I was wrong I know. I never told him and he never found out. Do to guilt and that fact that I was not happy I ended the relationship. I never admitted it because yes, he would have killed me.

  • Nix

    No you are not accountable if it was justified!

  • Nix

    You don’t . . .?

  • Nix

    Nic :Jozen, I first want to start off by saying I am incline to agree with Evangeline where she makes mentioned of the women you speak of are emotionally immature. I cannot agree with her more. I am never one to believe that all women are the same, and that include any body as a matter of speaking. However, what amaze me is the women that uses an apology as a band aid. No sooner the apology is plastered they find themselves going back to the very same sore that started or created the conflict or injury. My question to you Jozen and to all of my fellow commentators: How do you deal with an individual who possess such a personality or characteristics?

    Sometimes we have to leave people where they are instead of trying to drag them where we’r going!

  • Nix

    Okay, okay, I realize that some (Jozen and probably everyone else) will find this hard to believe but . . .I’ve never broken any man’s heart. If I had to apologize for anything it would be for staying far too long in a corpse of a relationship which should have been burried long before I lowered the casket.

    For the times I did that (2 or 3) I am sorry!

  • Nix

    Well said! The statement is a gross generalization. Also, when we talk about men or women who cheat, the fact is, men by far cheat more than women do. It’s not that women don’t cheat or don’t get caught. It’s that overall, they cheat far less. So perhaps it “seems” that men are doing all of the apologizing but they are simply doing more of it because they are committing more of the offenses which call for apologies.

  • Tina

    I have admitted in the past and to this day that I broke the heart of one of the most thoughtful and sweetest men that I know. I was very young and not ready for the level of maturity that the relationship had to offer but that is still no excuse for the pain that I caused my then boyfriend of 3 years. I was only 19 years old and I cheated on my boyfriend with my ex-boyfriend that had moved out of state to Atlanta. I really never stopped caring about the boyfriend that moved to Atlanta and I went to visit him for a week and lied to my new boyfriend at the time telling him that we just needed time apart. The pain that I caused him was unreal. He acted out in such a way and revealed pain that I would never want to cause another human being as long as I live. I finally made peace with my wrong doing, apologizing to him and asking him for forgiveness and ofcourse the kind person that he is, he forgave me. From that point on, I never again cheated or treated someone with anything with less than respect. But what do you know, I’ve been the one getting cheated on ever since. I definitely believe that you reap what you sew and that karma is real. I am living proof of that. I just pray that the day will come when I stop paying for the hurt that I caused someone over 17 years ago.

  • Nix

    I think it depends on the person. I also think most men would be more open to an apology coming years-down-the-line than most women would be.

  • http://pastthevelvetrope.wordpress.com mimi

    WOW! Firstly, it takes a mature woman to admit she is wrong about something. I’ve done it and I do it. It’s actually my trump card. Being the spoiled, pain in the ass, ALWAYS RIGHT, girlfriend that I tend to be… sometimes you just have to concede. Sometimes I am sorry for something (trivial or not) and sometimes/most times, I’m not as sorry as I let on. But being in a relationship is about knowing when to let the other person win. And I’m an aries baby, asshole, so that took a lot of growing in just learning how and when to do that.

    A woman saying “I’m sorry” and being sincere about it… will win every time with a man. Why? Because you’re never excepted to admit that. Male fucking ego skyrockets. “She finally shut the f*%k up and let me win an arguement”. Or more-so “she finally shut the f&%k up” LOL! Lets be honest.

    In terms of apologizing for being wrong…. ULTIMATE trump card. LOL! I’ll admit. I’ve heard “You’re really not fckn sorry… u just want me to leave u alone” (so damn true! Hell yeah women want yall to shut up when you’re right just like men do us.) But being sincere and really apologizing. “You’re right, I was showing off” or whatever… and meaning it builds character in a relationship and trust.

    I think when a woman is willing to apologize and concede (and etc), she’ll find her man being more upfront with her about things. And also doing the same for her. NOW… dont make that shit too common. You dont want to be one of those honest girls. Still be a stubborn asshole… just one that lets him win sometimes. :)

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  • http://stylistiic.com/blackbook thee BEAN.

    A previous relationship put me in a position to admit wrongs. He couldnt believe it, but it clearly made me grow. So if im wrong I have no problem admitting that, but that doesnt happen much lol.

  • bloved

    ok . . . so I’ll admit I’ve broken hearts but let me just say most of the hearts I’ve broken, broke my heart first. Nonetheless, there have been random guys who were completely innocent and kind but I just didn’t care to show the same common courtesy towards.

  • http://www.teaandsuch.blogspot.com Tea

    Wow, I’m comment #78, so not even sure if anyone will read or respond to this, but I have an honest to goodness question. If I broke your heart, how is that my fault? Also, if I don’t talk to you after I broke your heart (because, well, I broke your heart), how do I even KNOW I broke your heart to apologize for it.

    I swear, you’ll go deaf trying to get ANYONE to say “I’m wrong.”

  • MsVirtuous

    Yes, I had a problem with cheating when I was younger. I’ve always been told that I had a player style and thought like a guy. LOL! My problem was when someone got close to me I will get scared and back off because i didn’t want him to think I wasn’t that perfect girl anymore. I wanted the guy to keep figuring me out .For him not to figure me out was exciting to me. Until i got older and didn’t want to play anymore I wonder how many good guys did I pass up or better yet how many marriage potential partners I passed up by having that behavior. No,I won’t call anyone up and apologize because I learned from them. LOL!

  • http://www.paigeworthy.com Paige Worthy

    I don’t have time to read all these comments, but it’s fantastic
    Maybe you’ve never heard a woman tell you about the time she broke a man’s heart because she doesn’t feel comfortable opening up like that to you. Or because you’re too busy talking about all the broken hearts in YOUR wake, and she can’t get a word in. But now you see it does happen. Maybe you knew it all along.
    I’ve broken hearts, I’ve had my heart broken; I’ve apologized MANY more times than I’ve been apologized to, and I resent that. Hard.
    I own up every time I fuck up. Because I’m an adult. I’m sorry there are so many children running around out there — men and women — trying to have adult relationships, build families and carry on their lives together. People mistreat each other in the most awful ways, and the world’s a fucked-up places sometimes. Someone’s always going to get hurt, and there’s never enough apologizing.

  • http://twitter.com/luvleighliz Leigh Ann S.

    Um – didn’t Anita (Baker) dedicate a whole song to this?

    Some of us do apologize when we know we were wrong :)

    That is all.

  • http://community.wooeb.com/InsideScoop405 Scoop

    I disagree. You are always accountable even if it is justified. You had a reason for it, but you are still accountable for your actions.

  • http://community.wooeb.com/InsideScoop405 Scoop

    You deserve a prize. Get this woman a trophy stat. In the words of Trey Songz…”oh oh baby…whats your name?”

  • http://community.wooeb.com/InsideScoop405 Scoop

    This proves Jozen’s point completely. The guys were wrong, but you were wrong also. Two wrongs don’t make a right. They need to hold themselves accountable for doing you wrong, but you need to also be accountable.

    *drops mic*

  • nichol

    I’ve broken hearts. I’ve admitted it. If you’ve never heard a woman admit to it then perhaps you need to look at the women you choose to date or spend time with. I’ve heard my women friends admit to it. Funny enough, I’ve never heard a man talk about it. Whether or not you’ve heard it, you don’t know whether or not one of your women friends has admitted it to herself,and kept it under wraps for shame or sorrow. Admitting it to oneself is, I believe, the truest form of confession.

  • Leogoddess

    I cheated in college, I never apologized cause he never found out and never will. #Teammates
    Sorry.

  • JJL

    More generalizations. Plenty of women accept responsibility for their role in the demise of a relationship. I’ve broken hearts, acknowledged it and apologized profusely, but it would not have been fair to me or them to stay in a relationship for the sake of just being in a relationship. It’s called being a grown woman!