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Five Things A Man Must Look Out For When A Woman Leaves His Place

February 25th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Most men (and some women!) have had to clean up their place after having over some company they know damn well they shouldn’t have had over. Or, in some cases, the company of the opposite sex is perfectly appropriate, but still, to avoid an awkward situation, one in which the present casual friend notices something left behind by the previous casual friend, we have to make sure our area is spotless.

Now I can’t speak for the women, but I know as a man, cleaning up after a woman has come over is not like cleaning up on a regular day. If I was smart enough, I’d invent a female detector. It would be sort of like a metal detector, except it detects all female stuff. But unfortunately, I’m not smart enough, and apparently no one else is either because I have yet to see a female detector on the market.

So until then, men like myself must rely on our eyes to spot out any damning evidence, which takes years of training. Most men are programmed to look out for the big stuff like panties, and even strands of hair that’s not hers. But as some would say, where the devil truly lies, is in the details. Thus, we have to develop an eye for the smaller, less obvious things that may call attention to our “lifestyle.” Here’s five of those things.

BOBBY PINS/HAIR RUBBERBANDS

Two items that are easily hidden by mans messes. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been sweeping my apartment, and in the middle of the dust and lint balls, there’s a small, black, oval-shaped piece of elastic accented with a piece of faux gold, or even more discreet, the bobby pin. Those things are so thin, and seem to camouflage with anything. Usually another woman doesn’t see these things either, but if she does, I know I’ll probably have some explaining to do.

THE TORN PIECE OF THE CONDOM WRAPPER

There’s the condom itself and there’s the wrapper. Every guy knows to deposit those at the bottom of the kitchen trash (she’ll never see it there!). But what about the piece we tore off to open it? In the heat of passion, I’m not paying attention to where it went, and still high off the good time I just had, I’m pretty sure I’m not thinking about it after. My brain is only functioning halfway, so it’s not even registering to me that there’s this thin piece of evidence lying somewhere in close proximity to my couch  bathroom sink dining room table doorway bed, but that piece? That small, strip of foil? Women have a sixth sense for it.

STRAWBERRIES

I love strawberries. Absolutely love them. But I don’t just sit on my couch eating a bunch of them with a napkin on my lap by myself. I only do that with grapes (green ones!). I hate to be the bearer of bad news for all the ladies who are reading this, but if you ever opened up the refrigerator of some dude you’re messing with and he has a plastic container of strawberries just sitting there, trust me, those aren’t for him, and honestly, they’re probably not for you either.

COMPUTER EVIDENCE

Heaven help the man who lets a woman check her email, Facbeook, Twitter, or MySpace (to say nothing of those men who date women who are still checking their MySpace) on his computer? Bad move, playboy. I mean, sure it seemed harmless, until the next girl came over and asked if she can do the same, and without even thinking, the man  said, “Sure.” Next thing he knows, his present female company is all up in his face asking who the hell is @CaramelComplexx* or SnoBoo@gmail.com* or Facebook.com/JaneBlackwell* and for the next two weeks he have to lie and say he knew none of those girls.

A COPY OF THE NOTEBOOK OR QUESTIONABLE READING MATERIAL

Even I know The Notebook isn’t some mood-setting movie. That’s a relationship movie, and if there’s a copy of it lying on my shelf right between my copy of Training Day and Inglorious Bastards, she’s either leaving for the night (and for good!) or willingly playing the role of woman on the side. I’d rather keep her from having to make such decisions, so I’m just going to make sure there is never ever a copy of that Nicholas Sparks classic anywhere in my apartment. That DVD gets no burn in this crib. Relationship or not.

As for the questionable reading material. Tell a woman I read Playboy for the articles, and she might believe me. Tell a woman I read Cosmopolitan for the articles and she’s going to either ask who else I’m sleeping with or just walk out of my place.

* I don’t follow a CaramelComplexx, I’ve never emailed a woman whose email starts with SnoBoo, and I’m not Facebook friends with a woman named Jane Blackwell. I swear, I made these names up.

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  • *inquiring mind**

    Jo- proofread (twice)

    I really don’t give an eff… I mean I clean-up of course but if one dude finds something that another may have left “who effing cares”… not me- You ain’t my man- hence the CASUAL in casual friend- conversation done!

  • http://www.twitter.com/k_dot_re keith reed

    This is funny but real. Truth is, fellas, we’re never going to achieve that female detector. Women are generally smarter about these things than we are. If she wants there to be some sign that she was there, she’ll leave it and it’ll likely be something you’d never know about but that would set off an immediate alarm for any other female in proximity. I have an ex that used to call it “pissing in corners” and who used to say all the time that she’d pissed in every corner of my apartment.

    Even if we could find and eliminate every shred of evidence that she’d ever been there, it’d only cause us problems when she came back and found whatever she left behind or changed had been removed. That’s assuming she’s at least a regular if not more important than that. If she’s a one-timer, it wouldn’t matter. But somebody who regularly comes to the crib and leaves something behind leaves it for a reason, and there’ll be hell to pay if itn’s not right where she left it before she bounced.

  • http://blog.mox-box.com Brittany

    I’ve found a ponytail holder. It wasn’t so bad b/c I really didn’t care, but he CLEARLY had an awkwardness.

  • Marie

    This is so on point.. because I know my steady boo is always looking for signs of things out of place at my house but I’m always one step ahead of him. Just got through checking both toilet seats for any remnents of man dribble…. Any hoo now my other friend is on his game now.. If he’s had female company his ass is dusting and looking around for that hair like he’s a forensic scientist. He’s 32 so I guess he has had years of practice. But he slips up because I see the bobby pins. Every now and then I leave a trail of things behind and dare his ass to move them. It’s kind of an unspoken rule.

  • gb

    Jozen, love your blog and your writing style! I must admit, I usually don’t comment but it’s also great to be cognizant of your bathroom mirror –an invisible message may lurk. If your side piece uses your shower, I’d recommend cleaning your mirror. A friend of mine writes on the mirror after a shower, a sure way to get caught. The fog disappears but the message doesn’t…well until you, or another ‘friend’ showers. Happy cleaning lol.

  • SassyNoLA

    y’all are crazy! all that left behind ish costs money. i’m not leaving ANYTHING behind on purpose cause that’s just throwing money away. bobby pins and ponytail holders don’t cost much, but it burns me to know that i just bought a pack of 100 and all of them are gone. hell no! i’m trying to find each and everyone so that my money is not wasted. like “i came with 5 bobby pins in and i only have 3 this morning. we need to get up and shake out these sheets for the other 2.” hell yea. i’ve also heard of women leaving toothbrushes (like $6!) and mascara ($16). no, no. i want all that money back in bag when i leave. and i’m certainly not leaving my copy of the notebook (the best movie ever) which costs like $20 since it never goes on sale anywhere because it’s always fabulous and in-demand or my cosmo which is another $5. TRIPP-ING.

    the computer evidence, strawberries, and torn piece of condom wrapper make sense though.

  • E-Dub

    I once went to a man’s house who swore he was single and trying to make me “wifey”. I stayed at his house, and the next morning was looking for a Q-Tip. Not only did I also find “feminine protection” but baby diapers! I was like, um, is there something you need to tell me? He swore he had no idea who they belonged to. TACKY!

  • ktcheval

    Oh, this is FUNNNY! And so true. Once, I spent the night at my friend’s house, and overslept the next morning. I had a 10:30 appointment and we both slept right through the alarm when it went off…so I’m rushing, trying to get dressed so I wouldn’t be too late… and left my favorite watch behind. I’d taken it off when we were still in the living room. That’s $350 right there. But a month later, I STILL did not have my watch because he was “traveling.” Yea, whatever. I was like, dude, I don’t even want to see you, I just want my GOTdamn watch!! And when I finally saw him again, he had it wrapped up in an old wool scarf and shoved at the back of the highest shelf in his closet. Really???? ALL of that??????? So I don’t leave anything behind that I will definitely need later.

  • http://livinglatina.wordpress.com livinglatina

    Good post but Damn! I’m definitely gonna try the message on a mirror. Hahaha!

  • BrookeChanel

    LMBO@ EDUB! Hilarious!

  • BabyImAStar

    This is funny. I was doing a thorough cleaning of my closet this past weekend and was sitting and found that corner piece of a condom package and was kind of perplexed how it got in my closet. No problems for me since I have only one SO but I can see how those little corners could present a problem for others with a more varied social life. I too have looked for those CSI clues and have found them, the excuses generally make me more angry then the fact that somebody else was there.

  • MsVirtuous

    How about just a lazy player. LOLOL! I can’t stand that. It’s like if you want to be a player you can’t get too comfortable because that is when you get caught slippin. :)

  • MsVirtuous

    How about one guy I was dating couldn’t wait for me to leave out of the bathroom so he can check and see if I left hair on the floor. I was up on his game I just sat back and laughed to myself.

  • MsVirtuous

    MsVirtuous : @ EDub-How about just a lazy player. LOLOL! I can’t stand that. It’s like if you want to be a player you can’t get too comfortable because that is when you get caught slippin.

  • afro

    cute list. sorry to say that most men could clean their place from top to bottom with their tounge & still get busted for cheating! on the other hand, a woman could have literally JUST had sex with another man (in the last 24 hrs) and dude wouldnt be the wiser. peep game men…peep game!

  • nitha

    Man look here…soon as bf #2 leaves I’m up findin that piece of condom wrapper, checkin the toilet seat, febrezin ish, practicing my “what u mean who been up in here” look/voice…sorry guys you’ll never be as slick as us. Lol!

  • http://valstyletheblog.blogspot.com/2010/02/new-york-fashion-weekgoodbye-bryant.html Val

    all i have to say is LOL

  • Frankie1882

    Funny stuff. Sucks for the man who may be trying to get rid of my hair. It’s very long, and I shed like crazy.

    Thanks for the list, Jozen, since I’ll be going to someone’s apartment soon, and I will be conducting a thorough inspection.

  • TheLeoGrl

    First time poster here!
    Had to chime in…I thought my place was man sanitized but got busted when dude counted the comdoms left in the box, located in my nightstand dresser drawer, and discovered the number missing didn’t add up to the number of visits he had made. (Who DOES that??!!!) Lesson learned. New box bought, hidden elsewhere. What furiates me the most is he’s not my man, just the ‘friend with benefits’ so my thing is “boo, can’t you just be glad i’m practicing safe sex?!”. Yeesh.
    😉

  • TheLeoGrl

    oh great…now I’m the first time poster with a typo *grin*
    c-o-n-d-o-m-s
    there!

  • Mimi

    All this hide and seek is exactly the reason I have only one relationship at a time. It just seems like too much to go through. Plus I am NOT a good liar. Ask me about that edge of condom wrapper in the corner and ‘Guilty’ would be written all over my face. Thanks for the great post as usual Jozen!

  • http://www.nicolen275.blogspot.com Nicole

    I am rolling right now. The comments tonight are as funny as the post!

  • Sherell

    If it is casual, who cares? I do not go looking if it is someone I am not serious about!

  • A.

    ROFL…exactly! And now I check for both earrings…lost one at my ex’s house and never saw it again…and it was my favorite!!

  • shellie

    LMAO girl. You. Are. Not. Lying!!!!! I do the same thing with those bobby pins and rubber bands!!!

  • Lilie

    ha

  • Lilie

    maybe he was saving it so he could pawn yo shiaaaat!

  • Lilie

    ya’ll some cheap ass bitches

  • Lilie

    i appreciate a man with a good, trustworthy cleaning lady. if you’re a player, play it right.

  • *inquiring mind**

    It’s not that I’m cheap (@ Lillie- why they gotta be b!tches? DAMN), it’s more so that I’m OCD (which is prolly worse)… I just hate needing something I already had and not having it- so I’ll check 2-3 times for that rubberband like dat b!tch was dipped in platinum

  • Nix

    I have to say that while the topic is relevant (to many, especially with the way people live their lives today) it seems that some of us have to grease a revolving door when it comes to Boo’s, main boos, friends, casual sides, etc. I for one don’t play dating situations that close. I’m never worried about who may have left what behind. I simply keep my actions, my life, and myself “respectful.” That keeps me from having to worry about a whole lot of nonesense!

    However, people are who they are. So if you have to check for things left behind, as one poor unsuspecting soul told me recently . . .don’t forget to check your car!

  • Nix

    Too funny!

  • Nix

    I second that! One relationship at a time.

  • babeblue

    funny post! once in college i was over at the house of a male friend of mine who had been trying to talk to me for the longest. he had supposedly recently broken up with his girlfriend, but lo and behold what did i spy on the bedroom floor partially up under the bed….that condom wrapper corner. get’s them everytime. lol.

    of course i called him out on it and he got all flustered. men just can’t keep up with the details as well as women can.

  • SassyNoLA

    lilie is clearly developmentally/emotionally delayed (see spelling of “shit” in previous comment). you can’t judge retarded people- it’s not politically correct. also, as a southern woman, i have to speak about this “ya’ll” i keep seeing. it’s a simple damn contraction: the apostrophe replaces the missing letters of one word. the missing letters are the “ou” from “you”; therefore, it’s always y’all (you + all) and never ya’ll (ya + all). the word is in the dictionary, so there’s officially no excuse.

    i am cheap though. lol. i save all my little pennies, baybey. gotta get this savings account fat and this credit on point for home purchase. HA!

  • **inquiring mind**

    @ SassyN

    I write ya’ll (tomato/tomAHto)- hmph (lol)… plus what’s the point in correcting blogosphere/email and textin words… new ones are made-up erry udda sekkint.

    Anyway- Save that dough tho… I not judging- I been there and ain’t nothin like owning your own spot… tax returns are WAAAAYYYY better!

  • SassyNoLA

    but y’all isn’t a made up word. it’s a legitimate contraction. i call northern elitism assuming it’s a made up word or texting/blogosphere word. it’s legitimate. we got us a dictionary entry and errythang! southern pride! lol

  • dnmppolitico

    Very interesting but as far as the computer goes…have a browser for company only. Don’t save passwords on it & don’t go to any pages beyond that email address that you never use. As far as your main browser goes…password protect it, Firefox lets you do this to protect your stored passwords; a great excuse to share. It’s win win because you seem open to letting her use your stuff without letting her use your stuff :)

  • Mimi

    The hair pin and scruncci one is the best one! Men are smarter abotu the condom one these days. A few years back I found a scruncci. It was almost under the bed (where I keep my slippers). I was like “OH NO! Whooooooooooooooo’s is this!” A girl find a hair tie and it’s definitely trouble… trouble…. trouble (Bernie Mac voice)

  • Bob

    Three words: “Phone A Friend.” Every dude should have a trusted friend who is capable of coming to his place and finding the bobby pin, condom wrapper corner, or the loose hair like he’s a trained forensic scientist! I have reliable ones who have saved me countless arguments and I suggest every man employ the use of such a trusted advisor!

  • L. Dejean

    “I hate to be the bearer of bad news for all the ladies who are reading this, but if you ever opened up the refrigerator of some dude you’re messing with and he has a plastic container of strawberries just sitting there, trust me, those aren’t for him, and honestly, they’re probably not for you either.”

    ^^^They definitely wouldn’t be for me…I’m Allergic…so um, yea…(i make my food allergies VERY clear w/ dudes i deal with, sheit, anyone i consider a friend really!)

  • http://brothersmanlaw.blogspot.com/ spchrist

    I try not to leave anything at a woman’s place and if I do…it was on purpose. lol.

  • pineapplecafe

    tooo funny. but unfortunately true, actually I try to make sure I don’t leave some of that stuff, its annoying to have to replace it . i love this blog though.