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So When Are We Taking Me Out?

The summer between my sophomore and junior year of college, I lived in Detroit, a city filled to the brim with pretty women who also happen to have a good attitude about pretty much anything. They’re tough, don’t get me wrong, but through the hard shell, they’re game for pretty much anything, and they’re not timid. They see what they want, they get it.

A perfect example of this is a girl a colleague at my internship set me up with. The girl, (whose name I still remember but won’t mention for the sake of privacy) had a child, was two years older than me, and did hair. (It should be noted here, if you live in Detroit for any time longer than a month, and you date in Detroit, you will date a woman who does hair. That’s just how it goes.) We went out on probably five dates, nothing terribly exciting, but there is one thing I remember about her, one thing that sticks out to me even after all these years, and I only think this is the case because since her I haven’t met many women who do this at all.  Here it is:

For our third date, she took me out.

She called me up, at my internship and said to me, “Hey, what are you doing?”

“Interning,” I joked.

“So you’re working?”

“Nope. Interning. Working takes too much responsibility.”

“I hear that,” she said. “Look, I don’t want to keep you, but I was wondering, if you’re not doing anything on Sunday, there’s this barbecue I got invited to, do you want to go with me?”

Of course I said yes, but after we hung up, I was still taken aback by how forward she was.

At the time, I primarily dealt with college-aged women who were way less aggressive and still believed in gender roles, even though they were breaking them every freaking day they picked up a book and not a mop (I am kidding about that) (Really.) (I am). So to hear a woman ask me out, to play the role of aggressor, was entirely new to me. And who knew it would be such a fleeting thing?

I can honestly count the number of times a woman has taken it upon herself to ask me out on a date in the early stages of our dating cycle. One hand only, and I am a man who women actually like; whatever rank is underneath playboy, and right above lame, that’s me. So let’s not attribute the lack of dates I get asked out to me alone. Maybe I get a little bit of the blame, but I’m going to hand some of this over to the women as well.

There are a lot of rules missing from the women’s playbook, and one of them I noticed is the rule on asking a man to go out on a date with her.

What I’m curious to know is how many dates must I plan and sponsor before a woman calls me up and says, “Hey, there’s this barbecue I got invited to, do you want to go with me?”? How much pride must a woman muster up before she takes such initiative?

To be clear, I’m not really talking about the act of paying for a date, or sponsoring the night’s activities. I’m talking about a full-on planned date from start to finish. For those who can’t differentiate between the two, just ask a man. There’s a Grand Canyon-sized difference between paying for a date and planning a date.

Paying for a date is what I do whether I like the girl or not. There’s no thought, it’s merely a formality. The only reason why I’m paying for this date is because a long time ago, in a land far, far away, some man wrote on some stone, “Thou shall always pay for the first date, and when we say ‘thou’ we mean ‘man’.”

Planning a date, on the other hand, is something I do for the girls I like. I take the time to research some spots, gauge her interests, and shape some night or day of activities around those interests. And I would really appreciate it by the third or fourth date, a woman reciprocated such favor onto me.

This sounds perfectly reasonable to me. If I plan the first two dates from start to finish, isn’t it time for the woman to step up and plan something for our third or fourth date? I t can be something as casual as a barbecue, or it can be a little bit more involved like cooking me dinner and renting that one movie on Netflix. You know the one I’m talking about, right? The one I’ve been saying I want to see since our first date.

I figure if a woman is willing to go out with me for the third or fourth time, she likes me, and not in that “you remind me of my brother” sort of way. She likes me enough to plan the next date. If we get to the fifth date, and I’m still making the plans, then clearly I’m dealing with someone who isn’t too aggressive (I don’t like that), or someone who doesn’t read my blog (I really don’t like that.)

Categories: dating, guys, things a woman should do, women Tags:
  • christina

    You must live in the Ice Age… I ask out guys all the time. 🙂
    Seriously, since the ratio is so jacked up here in the D, you have to be a bit aggressive. It gets tricky when you ask the guy out the first time though… Usually its not a great idea…

  • 05girl

    Firstly, are you equating what she did to “planning” a date? How is what she did different from “sponsoring the night’s activities”?

    I have no problem asking a guy to an event. Maybe that makes me aggressive. Maybe that makes me desperate. But I don’t see this as a big deal, and if women aren’t doing this I am surprised….

  • Whitney

    I have never had a problem taking a man out, sending a drink his way in the bar, etc. I feel if its something you want to do and you want to bring a male date along, i don’t see anything wrong w/asking.

  • **inquiring mind**

    hmph… Does there really need to be a strategy/process/timeline? I say she should offer whenever she’s ready (for some that time may never come- tsk tsk). Any woman that just wants your company based off of chemistry alone shouldn’t have a problem with just saying so- “what you doin? Let’s get-up and do something” and such. I think more and more woman are doing this now… I must say, it’s empowering.

  • **inquiring mind**

    Now that I think about it maybe it’s a “coming of age” thing… *shrugs*

  • Miss Anonymous

    Yea, you must live in the ice age. I’m 21 and I’ve been asking guys out as long as I’ve been dating. At some point, I was told that guys are intimidated by pretty girls. Not to toot my own horn, but I like to consider myself pretty and I figured if I ever wanted to go anywhere, I would have to start asking guys out. I’ve inititated dates and paid for them. This could also be because I was never given the dating rule book but as far as I’m concerned, if I want to go somewhere and have the company of another person, it’s only fair that I take care of things.

    And, I also don’t know how that bbq counts as her really doing anything. I’ve invited guys to open events like that BECAUSE there’s no real work involved for me. I don’t think that’s the same as what you explained about cooking a meal and renting a movie you want to see or taking you out on a dinner date. Things like that include real planning.

  • RtG

    Jozen, stop trippin’. I asked you out once. We went to The Brand New Heavies concert at The Apollo. (Yeah, I’m calling you out!) I bet if you really thought about it, women asked you out more than you realize. We’re just more subtle than ya’ll.

  • **inquiring mind**

    Bring ’em out bring ’em out!- bwhahahahaha

  • http://blackgirlunscripted.wordpress.com Anike Love

    “At the time, I primarily dealt with college-aged women who were way less aggressive and still believed in gender roles…”

    Great post, but whyyyy must a woman be labelled aggressive for asking a man out? I’m just wondering! We don’t start calling men aggressive in their pursuit until they persist even though we flat out tell them “We do not like you nor want to be seen with you in public”, so why does a woman simply asking a man out have to mean she’s aggressive? i think fear of having this label placed on them is enough to scare women out of going after what they want.

    Whew, okay, got that off my chest lol.

    I don’t have a problem planning a date for a man, but like for him to plan the first couple of dates so I can see what creativity he’s working with and get a gauge on how much he cares. So it only makes sense to do the same for him after a couple dates, especially if he’s done a good job. Any woman that takes no initiative to do this is either super traditional, super lazy, or simply doesn’t like ol’ boy!

  • Jackie

    Yeah women that never plan a date must not be feeling you that much…Prolly just bored and is going out with who ever asks, lol.

  • nitha

    I’ve never had a problem asking a guy out (not the first time-I am a lady), but after we’ve gone out a few times, I figure it’s my turn to come up with something for us to do. I was under the impression all women did this. Clearly I’m mistaken…

  • dbaby11

    brand new heavies???? lol. wow.

  • http://www.sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ Tunde

    i used to get asked out all the time. *shrug* i think it’s about the type of women you date or tend to go after. some women are just more aggressive than others.

  • b

    This post was right on time. I just got finishing “debating” = setting someone straight on their false claim that “Detroit is like a third world country.”

    It’s nice to finally hear something positive about Detroit.

  • http://www.obiokere.com Obi Okere

    Miss Anonymous,Whitney, 05girl, and christina….Kudos to yall :-). Your among the minority of women I know of that are willing ask a guy out. I always have appreciated when a woman has planned a date out for me. It simply means that I can finally take a break from doing all of the work and just show up to the date.

    Obi Okere
    http://www.obiokere.com
    Twitter: @obiokere

  • **inquiring mind**

    I find your lil “skip-over” disrespectful… hmph

  • HES

    Who are these women? The same ones who don’t have high-speed Internet, upper-tier cable and snacks? While I recognize I am notably beyond your target demographic, I have asked men out since college (the early ’90s when you were in grade school if I recall correctly). As a season-ticket holder for a couple of professional sports teams, my tickets are the perfect vehicle for asking men out. I do it weekly. I agree with the rest of the posters: clearly Ice Age.

  • BoomShots

    I think your title was more apropos for what really occured. She invited you to come as her date to an event she already agreed to attend. Very little effort on her part. I am an average looking dude at best, women consider me handsome because I am tall, cool looking, in decent shape and I make them laugh. But even I have been asked out on a date more forthright than Ms. Detroit asked you. It hasn’t happened in a few years but its happened enough for me to know that your girl’s was weak.

    Its good to hear the young sisters step up about stepping to dudes because I have been approached more often by white women than I have been by black women. So respect and if a dude thinks you loose because you step to him, shut him down quick. Real men appreciate a woman who knows what she wants and her making it known is a plus because it cuts down on a lot of the BS that mars people meeting people.

  • http://ihatethewayyoueatcereal.wordpress.com/2010/02/03/never-truly-single/ Silent Scorpion

    If I like a guy and I’m really interested then I’ll research things we both like and ask him out, if I’m not really feeling him, I don’t plan anything. My actions reflect my interest. If we’re going on a 4th date, I must like you since I do not date for sport….anymore.

  • http://www.obiokere.com Obi Okere

    I didn’t mean any disrespect by it.

  • **inquiring mind**

    LoL… we cool (I’m just fukkin wit u)

  • http://www.teaandsuch.blogspot.com Tea

    I’m pretty sure I’ve planned some dates. If nothing else, I’ve made suggestions based on something he liked (Oh, you like the Cubs, ok, let’s go to a game one day). It’s not just about what I like to do. Plus a date doing something I like to do (Alvin Ailey, Improv Theater, RHOA…) might bore him to pieces, so I’m not really trying to do that either.

    The way that you think (like a man) is interesting to say the least. I can’t tell if you’re stretching b/c you’re committed to writing a relationship-themed blog daily or if you really spend a great (read: inordinate) amount of time wondering why women don’t say sorry for breaking your heart or why women don’t plan dates.

    Some stuff just is what it is. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you or doesn’t care, maybe in the book she read a long time ago some man wrote on some stone that the man takes the lead and the woman cooks the meals and she missed the 21st century “you need to plan a date to show you’re interested in him because all that sex you’re having doesn’t really show your true interest” memo. I dunno.

  • John

    LMAO!

  • http://musikismyhometown.com LaTanya

    “They’re tough, don’t get me wrong, but through the hard shell, they’re game for pretty much anything, and they’re not timid.” – YUP…that’s us!! 😉

  • Darby

    I agree with you 200%. But being a female. I am amost always the one in the relationship to find activities for us to do. Can I ever get a man to say “Baby I have planned this for us to do. (And not dinner or a movie or heck that would even be a start.)

  • Newbie

    Literaly lol @ this post. I’m from Detroit & I ask men out & sometimes I even pay.
    I will say Detroit women have their own swag. While I agree it’s not a third world country no rush to move back.