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The Call Was Made

Well, I did it.

I made the phone call yesterday to Pop. We talked, we cried, and we came to a resolution of sorts, though I don’t know if that was the objective. Come to think about it, I don’t know what the objective was at all, if it was to vent, to get closure, or a combination of both. What I do know is I feel like life is anew, and yesterday, after we got off the phone, those who saw me walking down the street, may have noticed my feet were a couple of inches off the ground.

There’s something jarring about hearing a man cry on the other end of the phone, especially when it’s a man who raised you not to cry. But several times during our conversation, when I was trying to tell my Pop how I felt, he tried to get off the phone. I could hear his voice cracking, as he attempted to catch his breath through his nose. The whole conversation was heavy for him, and it was heavy for me.

I don’t want to get into what was said between my Pop and I. But after I wrote Friday’s post, I thought a lot about what I wanted to say to him. I knew I wanted to tell him I loved him. I knew I wanted to tell him that I indeed hated him for a long time. I knew I wanted to tell him who I am today has a lot to do with him being in my life, that for whatever it’s worth, he raised a man who went on to graduate from college, leave Seaside, and establish a career for himself.

So that’s exactly what I told him. I told him all of those things and I’m at peace now knowing he knows that when I look back on my life growing up under him, the bad times may be lurking somewhere in those memories, but they’re overshadowed by the good times. However wrong he treated my mother, however hard he raised my sister and I, he still raised us. Life with him was not hell, nor was it heaven, it was a reality that was sometimes grim and sometimes beautiful.

Usually, I have no follow through with my posts. I write about something going on in my life and I leave it there, choosing to write about something entirely different the next day. I do this mostly because I never inteded for this blog to be a running diary of my day-to-day life. It’s a combination of experiences and commentary told from my perspective. Originally, I didn’t even plan to follow up Friday’s post with the one I’m writing right now, but I changed my mind after the outpouring of support shown to me by friends, family, and readers.

I want to thank everyone, especially the ones who have never met me and only know me through this blog they read daily, for your words of encouragement. The way I can tell something I have written is resonating, is by how many people hit me on the side and say they experienced something similar to me. Last Friday’s post was no different, as I received a countless inbox messages and emails from people who told me they either made a call to a man who was a difficult hero in their life or they admired my strength for doing so because they themselves still can’t bring themselves to do it.

As I said last week, sometimes a man’s issues have nothing at all to do with women and everything to do with men. If there was anything I wanted people to take away from that post I wrote last week, it was that because it was a lesson I didn’t learn until recently. The reason I cried after I made the call to my Pop is not because of any particular thing he said or didn’t say, it’s because I have ignored a very crucial element to my maturation, and that is the element of closure. It’s like when we think something is broken because for a couple of seconds, it’s not working like it usually is, and when we call up customer service, the first thing they say is, “Well, did you try to turn it off and then turn it back on.” Then, when we do as they say, everything works! (Damn, I hate that.) Sometimes we go to a thousand people in our lives in search of the answers to our problems, when really, the answer lies within us.

Just like I didn’t believe when Harry Joe passed away last year, I would be at peace with my biological father’s absence when he was alive, I by no means believe every issue I have is solved because I made a phone call to my Pop. Trust me, I am still under construction. But there is no doubt, the phone call made was just the tool I needed to keep building. The work continues.

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  • **inquiring mind**

    Wow… really really REALLY proud of you for that. Congratulations.

  • nitha

    Ain’t nothin like an understanding. I’m glad you made the call.

  • http://alana-supperclub.blogspot.com Alana

    “And you’ll understand it better by and by”.

  • Ruby Ru

    I was so excited & proud of you when I saw the tweet on Sunday that you’d made the call- yes, I’m one of those that follow/stalk you on Twitter too! I am so genuinely happy for you. If pple had seen had seen they way I was going on when I saw that tweet, they’d have thought that I actually knew you! Well done.

  • http://www.obiokere.com Obi Okere

    I can definitely relate to your experience. In the past I have made a bunch of those heavy calls to family members, ex-girlfriends, and friends to provide closure on the past. The experience has taught me how to deal with things when they happen. It is great because I’m not stuck thinking or talking about it a week, a month, or a year later. It helps to keep me clear headed enough to help others who may be in a similar situation.

    Obi Okere
    http://www.obiokere.com

  • http://www.obiokere.com Obi Okere

    I can definitely relate to your experience. In the past I have made a bunch of those heavy calls to family members, ex-girlfriends, and friends to provide closure on the past. The experience has taught me how to deal with things when they happen. It is great because I’m not stuck thinking or talking about it a week, a month, or a year later. It helps to keep me clear headed enough to help others who may be in a similar situation.

  • Starita34

    “Life with him was not hell, nor was it heaven, it was a reality that was sometimes grim and sometimes beautiful.”

    Beautiful and so true with every flawed human we interact with. I’m glad that you’ve added to your tool box and wish you continued blessings in your renovations. Your strength and courage displayed in making that call and saying what needed to be said are applauded.

  • Teach It

    I know it must be a relief! Kind of like shattering a millstone that you’ve been carrying for too long. Good for you, Jozen!

  • Heather Star

    Your blog is so many things to me, but most of all inspiring. As a person who likes to be secretive and guarded, I admire your willingness to share yourself so kandidly…

  • http://facebook.com/yesip621 Jukebox Yesi

    Even though I don’t know you I’m really happy that you made that call and got closure..that is one of the hardest things to accomplish in our relationships with anyone. I wish I had the strength to call my father and resolve my issues with him too.

  • http://www.twitter.com/annaleishamae Annaleisha

    Nice one! I’m proud of you! I’m sure this chapter in your life will go on to contribute positively to your life in the future-someday. I can relate to the feeling of relif you must feel now!

    Annaleisha.

  • E-Dub

    Very mannish. Very necessary. Very inspiring. Thank you.

  • JLove

    That was beautiful. Although I will not be calling up my Dad, I really do feel you on this one. I’m definitely rethinking my situation.

  • AMike

    I’m so happy I stumbled across your blog when I did- thank you for sharing this. There are so many of us that need to make that kind of call.

  • 19E20

    IM happy it worked out for you man.

  • Frankie1882

    Wow, that’s a tough bridge to cross, glad you were brave enough, and man enough to face it. And I’m glad you got the closure you needed! It’s always something you don’t realize you really need, till you get it.

  • DR

    i feel like you’re growing right before our very eyes jozen :) we’ll keep our construction hats on …

  • Ondrea

    I am glad you called your Pops and happy that you shared it with us. Maybe one day I will make that call myself. I am not there yet.

  • http://koolaidontherocks.wordpress.com/ RtG

    I’m so proud of you, Jozen.

  • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com Miss Jenkins

    I am glad that you called him as well. In January, I had a similar decision to make regarding my father, though he wasn’t to me what Pops was to you (he bounced before I could know who he was). I can identify with the weight of having things you feel and want to say bear down on you for so long. I know how it feels to say things that may hurt and heal at the same time, and feel so much lighter, even when facing the reality that you are “still under construction” (I may have to borrow that phrase…lol).

    Wherever you find yourself now, mentally, emotional, etc., is exactly where you need to be for you. Congrats thus far and good luck going forward.

  • http://www.nicolen275.blogspot.com Nicole

    Glad you made the call Jozen. Good deal.

  • Trisha

    *APPLAUSE**DANCING**SMILING* Just celebrating you and your quest for growth. Good job you brave soul you…