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Five Things I Can’t Do With My Boy Besides The Obvious

When hanging out with my boys, there always comes a moment where to a casual outsider, our buddy-buddy camaraderie can be mistaken for something it isn’t. I should say here, I have no issues with gay people, I just have an issue with being mislabeled as gay, and that’s only because I’m not. These days, a lot of women are very cautious of male bonds because of the down low behavior that runs ramped in our society, so I always am somewhat aware of the impressions I give off to the opposite sex.

This is not to say I’m some extroverted, chauvinistic pig beating his chest at an establishment, talking about “I AM MAN. HEAR ME ROAR!” This is just to say, when me and my boy go get a bite to eat, and he orders the apple pie because he has a “sweet tooth” (his words not mine), I must speak up. And yes, this actually happened to me a week ago.

“Man, c’mon,” I told my boy. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Man, what?” he asked rhetorically. “This is what I want!”

“You can’t order dessert with your boy,” I protested. “Everyone knows that!”

“Whatever man,” he turned to the waiter. “Get me the apple pie.”

I said no more. The last thing I wanted to do is perpetuate the possibility that we were together together by arguing like we were together. But that’s just one example.

Below, five things I can’t do with my boy besides the obvious.

VIDEO CHAT

The other day, I bought a webcam. I still haven’t used it to chat with anyone, but I know I won’t ever use it to chat with one of my boys. Video chat is mad intimate. I could tell when I tried out my new camera and saw my own face staring right back at me from the computer screen. The more I looked at me the more I felt like I was getting into a relationship with myself. This wasn’t like a reflection, this was something entirely different; quiet, private, the glow from the screen made me look like I was sitting in a room full of lit candles. Like I said, mad intimate.

LISTEN TO R&B MUSIC TOGETHER

I may have blogged about this before, but I can never say it enough. Every man has some “romantic” or soft song they enjoy; it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Like for instance, “I Invented Sex” by Trey Songz? That’s a great song. Women have told me that song reminds them of me. It makes me proud. I own it. I sing along to it when I’m by myself. But you know what I don’t do? Sing along with it with my boy and tell him to take Drake’s part, and I have Trey Songz’s part. Also, for the record, the song doesn’t need to be slow to be off limits. “Hard” by Rihanna is a perfect example of this: Masculine title,  upbeat production, replete with a verse by Jeezy. It’s ideal workout music, but again, with my boy, the song is getting skipped.

GO SHOPPING TOGETHER

I cannot call my boy up and say, “Hey, what are you doing today? Want to hit up some stores?” No. He doesn’t. I would sooner go pregnancy test shopping with a one-night stand than I would go try on some clothes with my boy. The only time this is ever acceptable is if we’re on our way somewhere else and my boy says to me, “Hey, I need to check something out in this store real quick.” Oh, and sneaker shopping. Actually, sneaker shopping is encouraged to be a man-only event.

GO TO THE BATHROOM AT THE SAME TIME

Whenever I’m at the club, I always notice a lot of men roll to the bathroom together just like another group of people known as girls. Now, I understand maybe they want to take a break from the noise and need to conversate (one day that word will get in the dictionary) about this girl and that girl, but personally, I try to stay away from such pow-wowing. When I go to the bathroom, it’s to use the bathroom and grab a couple of mints from the bathroom attendant. It is not to ask my boy, “How’s it looking out there?”

THE RULES ON DINING

Back to the situation with my boy and his ordering the apple pie right in front of me. I’d like to add a couple more rules to the rulebook of dining one-on-one with one of your boys. Here they are:

  1. Steakhouses, Italian Restaurants Only: If The Sopranos has taught us anything, its that men can sit down together and enjoy a hardy Italian meal together without looking like they’re about to go have a tickle fight afterward. With regards to steakhouses, every one I have ever been to looks like it was designed for a man by a man; they have a rustic charm to them and I can appreciate that.
  2. Unless it’s Business, Sit at the Bar or Counter: If it’s just to meet up as friends to enjoy a good meal, always take the bar or the counter and mix it up with those around you two. Half of male bonding is bonding with other people who you never met before.
  3. Try to Sit In The Section Where The Fine Waitress is Working: And when you do, flirt with her, try to get her number, bet each other who can get her number first. You know, the typical man stuff.

Before I close out, a question I want to answered by my female readers in the comments. Do women have this same particular issue? I’d love to see a list of things two females can’t or won’t do with each other (besides the obvious). Put me on to game. And to any male readers out there, feel free to add to the list I started.

Categories: c-section, guys Tags:
  • HES

    Nope. Women can do everything together … including the obvious (but only just once – an experiment in college and we weren’t into it.)

  • LEO – ATL

    This is one of the more…insecure posts you’ve done…

    Got something to hide Jozy-wozy?

  • Jackie

    OMG, I was recently thinking about something similar…I totally feel you…I hate seeing men do certain things b/c it comes off as feminine…I’m used to men avoiding anything feminine. I hate seeing 2 men eat at a small table at a restaurant (esp by candlelight), shop together b/c they are not teenagers anymore, and I’ll add on more to the list…although I hate witnessing men getting their nails done I get that men need to groom themselves too but if i ever see 2 men get a pedi/mani together I think im going to scream!

  • Jackie

    Oh and women dont have those rules…we can share a bed on a trip, go shopping, get dressed in front each other and not bat an eye…

  • Frankie1882

    LOL yeah, I wouldn’t wanna see a man in the massage seat next to me, getting his feet done, but this seems like a pretty good list.

    Although, I guess this goes along with the obvious, but if you happen to go on a trip, separate hotel rooms, at the very least, separate beds. I found it funny, but also relieving when I went to a friend’s family reunion, and these 2 brothers wouldn’t even sleep in the same bed, when a bunch of us were in their room, and ended up all falling asleep.

    But girls can do anything together, and I mean ANYTHING. That includes shopping for bras, and then even going into the same fitting room together. I’m not comfortable with it, depending on who I’m with (I suspect one of my friends has lesbian tendencies) but I have gone into fitting rooms with friends before.

  • Aisha

    Honestly I don’t think the same rules apply for women. I have shared desserts with my friends. Gone to the bathroom at the same, use the bathroom in front of them (only number 1). Shopping is a must with them, sang the boy is mine with them ( I always get Brandy’s part). Maybe I can think of something if really think about it.

  • http://www.teaandsuch.blogspot.com Tea

    “The more I looked at me the more I felt like I was getting into a relationship with myself.”

    “I would sooner go pregnancy test shopping with a one-night stand than I would go try on some clothes with my boy.”

    “Whenever I’m at the club, I always notice a lot of men roll to the bathroom together just like another group of people known as girls.”

    The above three statements have me in stitches. I love the way you write!

    Things I can’t do with my girls… There actually isn’t too much besides the obvious, but I guess I won’t take a backrub from a girl. That’s all the way gay and I’m all the way straight, so I cain’t go!

  • Frankie1882

    Oh, and someone tweeted weeks ago that “conversate” is in the dictionary now. it’s in Webster, or at least webster.com. They even put “conversated” in there.

  • http://facebook.com/yesip621 Yesi Jukebox

    Just have to start off saying that this line had me cracking up –> “But you know what I don’t do? Sing along with it with my boy and tell him to take Drake’s part, and I have Trey Songz’s part”

    But no, females don’t have a list of things we can’t do together. We don’t have these macho/society rules holding us back.

  • **inquiring mind**

    First off… “conversate (one day that word will get in the dictionary)”- the word is converse… has converse just fallen out of the universe?… I blame ALL STARs… get it… fallen out the universe… all star converse (sneakers)- whatever…

    Well considering men think “girl on girl” is cool anyway *shrugs*… I don’t see why guys are so paranoid about this though. You know you’re not ghei so OWN THAT (lol… stop lying ain’t nobody told you “I Invented Sex” by Trey Songz reminds them of you- shameless self-promotion)

  • @NyceBryce

    Love it. Takes me back to the Top 5 Days. R.I.P.

    Diners are acceptable places for men to eat. Nothing wrong with breakfast 24/7.
    Also I think shopping is appropriate. I have a friend who likes to go out and shop in Georgetown. I prefer to do online myself but whatever. Plus when you shop you can hollar at the cute retail working girls. This friend however does like to play r&B on the way to G-town so I might need to re-evaluate our hang out habits.

  • HES

    @**inquiring mind**
    Thank you on the converse!

  • http://www.tnwhiskeywoman.wordpress.com nichole

    i’m pretty sure he knows that the proper word is “converse,” which is why he made the parenthetical statement about “conversate” one day being in the dictionary, clearly indicating he knew it was not a word.

    i think the only “woman-law” my girls and i have is about how we touch. we can hug and maybe lean on each other’s legs if we’re sitting on the floor but no heads in laps or flat out snuggling. that’s weird and… dare i say, white.

  • TAM

    Here are a few things a woman can’t do with her girlfriend for fear of being labeled gay:

    1. Bring her to too many family events – my cousins tell my mom “she’s cute she can get a man. Oh, she must be gay”. I actually had to send a mass email to the family declaring that I’m not gay.

    2. Go shopping and have her pay for your stuff. We did this once at a flea market and the looks that were given were classic. The next time I did it as a joke without warning her.

    3. One of you has a man, one doesn’t. You must NOT hang out with her too much leaving him at home otherwise you’re labeled gay – think Oprah and Gayle.

    There are more but this is all I can think of at the moment.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @@NyceBryce Ok… all you’re missing is a slice of apple pie and you’ve got a pretty hot date happening- bwahahaha… awww, I’m just playin- kinda- lol

  • http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ Tunde

    this is a very accurate list. as far as webcam, i believe i only have two of my homeobys on my skype friend list. i don’t know why they’re on there because i’ve never chatted with them. r&b is another one. in the mornings i try not to listen to rap but if i’m in the car with one of my boys and no women are present i’m popping in some gucci. lol. it just feels weird.

  • http://pastthevelvetrope.wordpress.com mimi

    OMG this is so extra! I don’t agree although the apple thing made me laugh. Men can go shopping together. The song choice was funny— I think I agree with that. Does the car count? Video chatting isn’t mad intimate (see: ustream, tinychat). LOl It’s only a big deal to those who are new at it. You’ll be over it very soon. LOL!

    Things females can’t do with each other? Ummm… sheesh that’s difficult. I can’t think of one only because girls don’t think as much into it as others. Even like one girl doing makeup while her girl may be using the bathroom (#1… ad this only applies to childhood friendships). All we do is keep talking, and not look. Mean are too concerned with the implications of their actions. Girls are nosey and inquisitive. We do the oddest things. LOL! So I can’t think of any… but I’m going to think on it.

  • http://pastthevelvetrope.wordpress.com mimi

    OHHHHHHHH!! I know sitting in a jacuzzi with just ONE of ur homegirls feels ODD!!!! Lets say you’re on vaca with ur homegirl. OMG… Bizarre. Now if there are 3 of you… its cool. But just one feels weird.

  • Meli

    OMG! Hilarious post, definitely had my co-workers wondering what the hell I was giggling at.

  • otherthanthat

    Let that man eat have some pie *geez* I think the dessert can used as a tool to lure in a fine woman in the restaurant rather than a symbol of homosexual activity.

  • LinZ

    great post u HAD me dying..
    i personally do not like going to bathroom in groups because I always end up having to wait on people… shopping for dudes i thought was ok.. thought they did that to go out and flirt with cute retail girls…

  • http://readyforhercloseup.blogspot.com Natalie Naomi

    LMAO! The R&B music joint had me rolling!! Very true.

  • Renee

    DEAD…

    Thanks SO much for making my day! Gotta share this one with my FB friends..

  • @NyceBryce

    @**inquiring mind**
    SeWe bought sneakers first then we get in the car he puts the top down and is like, “have you heard the new Usher?”

    I’m like, “nah why?”

    He proceeds to play this Usher and TI song that was banging I can’t even lie.
    Then I was like, “You heard that new fab?”

  • http://alishawritinglife.wordpress.com Alisha

    LOL! Good list. Please, don’t sit around the house singing “Lady in My Life” to each other. Not a good look at all. I never thought about the type of restaurant two guys should dine at, but it does look a little funny to see two guys sitting at a booth or “table for two” together.

    And yes, we can do pretty much anything with our female friends–shopping included, but I don’t. Some things are just meant to be done alone.

  • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

    “Also, for the record, the song doesn’t need to be slow to be off limits. “Hard” by Rihanna is a perfect example of this: Masculine title, upbeat production, replete with a verse by Jeezy.”

    Besides, the obvious is singing, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m so haarrrrd” with your boy is super pause-worthy.

    I honestly can’t think of anything for the chick equivalent. Our egos ain’t that fragile. 😉

  • Mel

    For women there aren’t many things they can’t do together! Interlocking hands and just strolling is a no-no, arms are fine.Massages are off limits if that isn’t your profession. For men I never should see them dancing face to face even in a completely heterosexual way.

  • EricaD

    “Mad” Intimate, hunh? That New York is rubbing off on you! : )

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  • http://anikeunscripted.wordpress.com Anike Love

    “Listen to R&B music together”

    I cracked up at this one because I immediately thought about “The Game” episode(2:30) when Malik and his teammate were singing J. Holiday’s “Bed” song. They were jamming too until…well, watch the video to see.

    Also, I don’t see guys go to the movies together very often. But when they do, they make sure to have at least one chair between them lol

  • Peechez

    Well,

    I’m not a male reader but I have a few things that dude’s don’t do and prolly shouldn’t. All of them are related to attire.

    1. Call up your boys to inquire what they plan on wearing to *insert event here*. No coordination please.

    2. Make a suggestion about what your homeboy should wear to *insert event here* outside of a casual mention that its biz casual, black tie, etc.

    3. Borrow clothes to go out. I mean a full outfit. There’s something that I can’t put my finger on that is so wrong about men borrowing another man’s clothes. Blazers are the one exception but only in certain cases (Job interview, something happening at a church, etc. and money’s a little tight)

    The only thing I can’t think of the guys will do that girls won’t……..the homies.
    Guys will “date” the same girl (think Ursher and R. Sylvester Kelly) and can still be cool. Girls…not so much.

  • http://facebook.com/yesip621 Yesi Jukebox
  • casual reader

    Women don’t have those issues. We can do a lot of (what appears to be homo) things together and not think twice. We’re not even thinking, “oh, this is type homo.” It’s just normal. I’ve always wondered why we were so free w/eachother and men the complete opposite w/one another.

  • samara

    I don’t think guys should meet anytime that can be mistaken for brunch…that is right up there with ordering dessert,

  • http://thebutterfliesarefree.wordpress.com checkmymelonie

    I always giggle when I see a group of four men at the mall. Or having brunch.

  • ebri

    getting dressed for the club my friend got out of the shopwer and came into the room her friend and i was in in a towel wet and droped towel and asked me to dry off her back, i did it but i felt tried, so drying each other off is a no for females doant matter how many people are around.

  • http://www.ihatethewayyoueatcereal.wordpress.com SilentScorpion

    nothing

  • Sean L. Johnson

    You are an Idiot!!!

  • mochabarbie

    This is hilarious. Last night I went to Johnny Utah’s with my crew 2 guys and two girls. Guys should not ride the bull. It’s sexy as hell for most of the girls for the guys it happens to look a look suspect. It was great! I try to do one thing I fear each day and that was my thing yesterday. It made my homies look at me in a different way!