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I Want To Run Into You Every Single Day

Before I go into today’s post, just know, I’m fine, which is usually the first thing people say when they aren’t fine, but trust me. It’s just the rain out here in NYC has me in a different zone. Got me feeling a little melancholy, and since I usually stay indoors by myself when there’s a monsoon outside, my mind is slightly more pensive.

But really, I’m fine, I’m cool, and I’m just trying some new forms of writing. Enjoy the words.

If my hot water worked today, I wouldn’t miss you right now because when we used to have the same problem, we would go down the street to the gym, not to work out, but to use their hot water. And I’m thinking about that as I take my bird bath.

Maybe I wouldn’t miss you so much if I didn’t shower at all, if I stayed in the apartment all day and did absolutely nothing. Because every time I step outside of it to do some sort of activity, whether or not I run into you is the very first thing on my mind. Then I get to my destination, without ever having seen you, and it’s right back to missing you.

Should the day come when I do run into you and I get to see your pretty face, I think the first thing I’m going to do is tell you that I miss you everyday.

Yeah.

That’s it.

I miss you everyday, and I hope you believe me. I hope if we see each other on a subway, you don’t mind if I decide to ride it to wherever you’re going, even if it’s not where I’m going. Because, see, the last time I saw you waiting for a subway going in the same direction I was going, I was so caught up in seeing you, I didn’t even think to do that. I rode it to my stop, which was before your stop, and I got off like I was supposed to. Foolish me.

That was last year, and I have missed you ever since.

The more I search for a reason not to think about you, the more I find a reason to think about you. Do you have any idea what that’s like? To think about not thinking about someone? It’s like a dog chasing their own tail.

Do me a favor and get the hell out of my  head. Get the hell out of my heart. Go somewhere else. Be someone else’s albatross, please. It’s been a long time, and you’re still all up in my mental and emotional spaces. I still miss you, and frankly, it’s getting in the way of some rather important things like other women who are good to me but I can never manage to keep.

I don’t compare them to you, but I compare myself with them to myself with you, and it never quite matches up; so I always have to move on. Because when I was with you, I was the man I wanted to be, and with these other women, I’m the man I feel like I was forced to be largely because you left me.

But none of that matters to you. You just need to get up out of here even though you’re not really here. Come pick up your things I keep on thinking I see but are never there in real life. Quit calling my phone and hanging up before I pick up only to realize it was never you who called in the first place.

Damn it, if you’re going to be here, then really, really be here. Quit being a figment of my imagination. I know you’re real. Just show up and say something like you heard a rumor that I missed you so I can tell you that it wasn’t a rumor, what you heard. That it was true.

I want to run into you every single day I leave my apartment, and yet I never do. Makes me wonder how the hell we even made eye contact in the first place. Makes me want to go back to the days before I knew your name, where you’re from, and what you do, back when I knew nothing about you, so I couldn’t miss you. Sometimes I miss those days more than I miss you.

But those days are rare.

As a matter of fact, those days are never.

I have never not missed you.

The only thing I have done is gotten used to missing you for the rest of my life.

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  • http://syncserious.wordpress.com SincSerious

    Wow…whats great about this piece -besides the obvious fact that it is well written- is that it connects with both men and women which is often hard to do when discussing relationships.

    Personally…this entry made me realize honestly for the first time that men feel regret for the way things turn out and really do recognize when they’ve lost a good woman.

  • cyt_grl

    I have read your blog for about a month now and sometime I have agreed with you and sometimes I’ve diagreed with you and sometimes you just made me laugh. This is the first one to actually touch me so deeply. If this is your new style, don’t apologize for it and definitely don’t change it… BRAVO!
    And on a personal note… I really wish he would feel the same way about me too. I never got the chance to tell him that I love him and I want nothing more than for us to be together and make it work. Maybe one day I will run into him and I can say it.

  • http://pastthevelvetrope.wordpress.com mimi

    WOW… Speechless.

    This was perfect.

  • afro

    Wow…reading that was like a gut punch!
    Bravo!

  • Carla

    I come here once in a blue moon when days are tough, looking for a little chuckle and on occasion even a little eyeroll :) … I stumbled on this tonight. Wanted to say I particularly enjoyed this one, so this is my first comment. Hello.

  • OpenLikeaSandalBack

    Jozen, I have been avoiding your blog for a few weeks because I’ve not wanted to read about relationships in the midst of suffering my own devastating blow regarding one. But I finally decided today would be the day I’d start reading again and this is what I return to? Utter devastation but utterly beautiful but it leaves me in an utterly confusing place. This week I’ve been on the “I Miss You” tip hard for the person in question and have wanted to call or write those words to him repeatedly, but I’ve had to say to myself, “Keep your heart three stacks, keep your heart…” Who knows what I’ll do, but I thank you for the beautiful post.

  • ksoul13

    Beautifully written.

  • sw

    Amazing.

  • rwifey

    i wasn’t sure, but after this, consider yourself added to my google reader, great read

  • lexi_703

    I have been reading your site for about 3 months now Jozen and I must say this was piece was absolutely amazing and touching! You made a sista shed a couple of tears because I have felt like this many times before. Thanks! I needed to let those tears out in order to move on:)

  • Sabrina Thompson

    Bravo…what a touching and brilliant journey into the depths of your thoughts about someone who obviously is monumental in your life. Sometimes monuments are meant to be viewed, visited in memory every now and then…but they remain just that..cemented and stationary in one’s past. Revere the monument, but some moments in life are mere visits…I believe that if you were doing all the right things and situations don’t pan out in your favor, then the universe hears that and returns goodness back to you…threefold.

    Sabrina…Demi’s friend and the Urban League moderator…

  • http://www.tessism.com Tess

    So real. I can relate. Thank you.

  • Pensive

    Simply Fing brilliant!

    I’m a grown ass black man in every sense of the word, and I cried bro and sent it to my X…who also cried!

    Thanks, but I’m going after mine til the end. I recommend you do the same.

  • Scoop

    My man! Love it.

  • mochabarbie

    A friend posted this on Facebook. This piece is great and it made me cry (I am not usually the emotional type.) This describes how I have felt for the past two years. Thank you for putting into words exactly what I am feeling.

  • Trace

    Wow..just wow. That, my friend, had to be my favorite post ever. Soooo touching and so universal if you’ve ever missed or loved anyone. Wow..like tugging-heart-strings wow. Like lump-in-throat wow. Bravo.

  • Jozen Fan

    I miss her so much.

  • ChiCity

    to this day, quite as it’s kept, i feel like that.

  • ChiCity

    to this day, quiet as it’s kept, i feel like that.

  • ~TruthHurts~

    Its been raining all day and i keep thing about him. I remembered these post and its the only thing that made me feel better today. Still missing him. Thanks for this..

  • http://www.wellbehaveddontmakehistory.blogspot.com Miss Malorie

    Jesus… (and I don’t use His name in vain, I really just called on Him, silently, in my head.)

    Yes, I know what it’s like to think about not thinking about someone. I made a lifestyle out of that.

    I hate to say “it’s so nice to see a man who feels this way…” because these feelings aren’t nice, and I know, because I’ve had them, and part of me still has them. But I guess we (women) get used to the belief that men don’t feel. And then we meet men who “don’t” feel… and we think it’s true, no matter how smart we may be.

    But once upon a time, I knew a man who felt. And ’til this day, I still wonder what will happen if I ever see him again. What I’ll say. If he’ll pretend like he doesn’t know me. If he’ll scoop me up in his arms and if the songbirds will start singing, all Hollywood and ish.

    And then I pretend I didn’t feel that. And keep it moving.

    Thank you for this. And for reminding me that I’m not alone.

  • http://www.wellbehaveddontmakehistory.blogspot.com Miss Malorie

    Sabrina Thompson :…I believe that if you were doing all the right things and situations don’t pan out in your favor, then the universe hears that and returns goodness back to you…threefold.

    Finger snaps to the universe hearing and seeing what you’re doing. I’m a firm believer in that :)

  • Tande

    I just came back to read this because of a quote posted to “Was it something I said” & now I’m all teary eyed because this is sooo beautiful & exactly the way I feel…2 yrs later! smh…

  • SoCalBelle

    “The only thing I have done is gotten used to missing you for the rest of my life. ”

    And sadly this setence and almost everything in your post describes a permanent portion of my life. It’s taking a lot not to send this link to him right now.
    You are an amazing writer…Thank you. I have spent the last couple of days reading your blog from the beginning, I’m now in March 2010 and I’m trying to ration what is left because I don’t want it end. Keep the good stuff coming!

  • forgetprincessiwannabeavampire

    This is a great post. For a second I felt I was the one writing it. Keep them coming, Jozen!

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  • Guest

    The feeling is mutual. Even though i enjoy reading your insight to whatever you choose to talk about, it’s not because of you, it’s because of how you write it, with honesty. Besides, having read your past blogs particularly the one you choose to marry one day, i am not your type and even if i was, you’re beyond 10 years younger than me. You’re a good looking young man, in addition to being smart and funny at times, but dammit you’re just too young. I honestly believe someone like you will meet someone that will melt your heart. Despite some of your bitter thoughts i’ve read, you’re actually a gentleman. What a gentleman prefers, they usually get what they want:True love.

  • Guest

    In addition, You canNOT force yourself to love someone nor can you force someone to love you – Love happens naturally between 2 people as long as the feelings are mutual. Therefore, with your words in mind ‘The only thing I have done is gotten used to missing you for the rest of my life’ – obviously you have NOT gone past your feelings for the person you’re missing.
    Remember, life goes on with or without the persons you choose not to surround yourself with. 

  • guest

    as for your tweet “Is there a way you can lock your twitter account on yourself for a set amount of time? That’d be cool.” — what’s it to you? we’re entitled to tweeting what we want- that’s why we have our own account to tweet what we want and to stay as long as we want to.  what we do with our time is our business. it’s never a good thing to tell people to what to do with their life.