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On The Dilemma of Sleepovers

This is what happens when a person stays single for an extended amount of time. They start reassessing certain things that might not need reassessing, things like having a girl spend the night.

What was once no big deal and happily encouraged, is now something I weigh upon heavily.  Do I want her to stay? If I don’t want her to stay, should I even invite her over in the first place? If I do invite her over, can she possibly get here by 7 p.m. so she can leave by 9 p.m.? I once dated a girl who wanted to do everything before 11 p.m. because that’s when she watched Law & Order and for such an occasion she preferred to be alone. Why can’t I find more girls like her?

To be clear, I am not talking about sex here. That kind of sleeping together is pretty easy to decipher and is nothing compared to the weight of really sleeping together. The last woman I slept with is different than the  last woman who spent the night. And I would go into details, but I am sure the smart ones know the difference.

Sleeping over used to mean nothing more than I was tired and didn’t feel like going home. Or she was tired and she didn’t feel like going home either. Spending the night used to be the natural progression from bodies just shared. We did it, now we sleep together. Made sense at the time.

Then I liked the girl who spent the night. I liked her here in the mornings, so I would make her breakfast, and if she didn’t want my eggs and turkey bacon, I had plenty of cereal. I enjoyed that company, and I started thinking I would enjoy it with anyone who spent the night, until it was no longer just girlfriends spending the night.

It was girls who weren’t girlfriends, and all of a sudden the appeal of their company through the night began to lose its luster. These girls I would see in the morning were more of a distraction, less of a welcomed presence, and my whole attitude about this spending the night thing began to do a 180.

Now I much preferred her place to mine.”Too far”, I would say about my place. Or, “Not clean enough.” Sometimes, I would say, “Come over, spend the night.” Then, not five minutes of closed eyes would go by before I wanted to recant my offer. “Go home,” I gently suggested. “I got your cab fare,” or sometimes, “Here’s how you get to the A.”

My mother taught me better than that, and she also taught me no sleepovers on school nights.

School nights is what I still call those nights Sunday through Thursday. Those are the nights I especially can’t have a woman sleepover, and lately, I have found they are also the nights the girl doesn’t want to sleep over either. Last girl I invited over was more than welcome to lay under my covers, but said she couldn’t, she had somewhere to be at 11. She told me this at 10. We said bye by 10:30. More polite than the others who have skipped out at 3 a.m. with no notice, only a text message to tell me they got home safe, oh, and “Thanks.” And that all seems to be so simple, to just leave, but the beds are so comfortable and it’s so late and really, there’s no need to go right now. Take a nap, at 4 a.m., then wake up at 6 a.m. She can go home then. Or, if she must, she will go home now.

I don’t mind. Really, I don’t. I have no toothbrushes for the woman to use, and my shower curtain needs to be changed, a glaring fact I don’t mind putting off, but something I know she might judge me on.

Spending the night is this thing I used to relish in, not only because it was fun, but because I couldn’t do it when I lived at home. So like the way I sometimes eat dessert before dinner, just because I am grown and I can, I used to let any girl who wanted to spend the night, spend the night, no matter what night of the week it was.

Then, I shared my bed with women I cared about, and I started to realize it’s not this simple, normal thing we should do just because we no longer have to ask our parents permission. I realized my bed is my bed and my mornings are my mornings. To share those with someone I have lukewarm feelings for at best is a one-way ticket to the land of awkward good byes. Do we kiss? We definitely hug. But do we kiss?

Unfortunately, I won’t know the answer until the morning because it’s the only time the truth is out. The things we do at night are sometimes the things we won’t do during the day, making them nothing nothing more than lies. So I wait until the morning before I decide where I want to go from here. I won’t know until then whether or not her spending the night or I spending the night was a good idea in the first place.

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  • Alana

    I am really glad to know that I’m not the only single person in the world with this train of thought! It’s true the older we get the wiser its a gift and a curse..

  • **inquiring mind**

    I don’t believe you have to wait til the morning to figure out if you will want her there or not… I think you know from the jump… Lukewarm feelings don’t just sneak-up on a person.

  • 05girl

    Interesting. I definitely feel you on the “school night” thing.
    This post was kind of hard to follow until the last 3 paragraphs. Those last 3 summed up everything nicely.

  • Theryl

    Interesting to hear the male perspective on this one. I think if you didn’t take it “there” with someone whom you had lukewarm or no feelings for, then it’s much easier. Lol. Sadly, this doesn’t happen. I don’t anyone should expect to stay or go. This needs to be discussed. Put all the cards on the table so both parties know where the other stands.

  • @trgriff

    “I once dated a girl who wanted to do everything before 11 p.m. because that’s when she watched Law & Order and for such an occasion she preferred to be alone.” is this me? did we used to date? and if not, who is this kindred spirit who loves L&O more than me? wait, was it reg or SVU?

  • Michelle

    I don’t do sleepovers unless i LIKE you. No matter the place, yours or mine. I’m in the south where everyone drives their own car, but i can imagine the dilemma if your city relies heavily on public transportation. Bottomline, no SMASHING or CRASHING for the guys i’m lukewarm about. I keep those guys at a distance. We can meet for drinks, movies, dinner, etc. Also, no kisses for lukewarm guys, strictly church hugs (arms loosely around neck, no special parts touching, two back pats).

  • moxie_v

    I actually wrote a blog eerily similar to this not to long ago…lol. But I completely understand where you are coming from. But, like the girl you dated who wanted to do everything before 11pm..that is SO me…lol, not that i’m her, but we are similar…minus the L&O

  • Tia

    Michelle, I found that to be be very amusing. But your 100% correct. The older you become the wiser you get. No smashing or crashing unless your my man. PERIOD!!!

  • Sunkissed404

    Ditto..Couldn’t have said it better myself.

  • WendyK

    @**inquiring mind**
    I have to agree with J on this. As someone who has had one too many moments where I’ve hung out with someone and decided to spend the night with them, didn’t realize until morning that my feelings for them were no longer the same. It was either the immediate animal attraction or the anticipation of “having them” that made the evening so spectacular. Unfortunately, I sometimes have the fickle heart of a teenage girl and in the morning, I can feel so detached from the person, that I just want them to get out of my bed or I run out their door. If I still feel those butterflies in my stomach and find myself staring at them with the same amount of fire as the previous night, then yes, they are more than welcome to crepes n’ berries and bacon in bed. 🙂

  • 05girl

    lol. I hope it was SVU b/c that’s the only one that’d be worth it!

  • **inquiring mind**

    @WendyK Not to sound prude but… I guess it goes back to what Michelle said (not that Michelle sounds prude either- *kanye shrug*)

  • Michelle

    @Tia, I’m 32 so it’s definitely something I had to learn the hard way. I think it took most of my 20s to realize a man can seriously smash and never give you another thought. I am simply not one of those girls that can separate sex and emotions. Even if I wanted to go there I know I can’t handle the consequences, so Inquiring Minds, I think that sorta makes me a prude. I always feel like most women are definitely more liberal with the smashing /crashing, especially after discovering a lot of the blogs I enjoy, I get to see a ton of different perspectives, which I really enjoy.

  • @jinx1213

    Lots of food for thought. Hmm

  • BoomShots

    The girlfriend I have the fondest memories of have is the one who whenever she left I was hoping she would not go. I can’t seem to find that anymore, most of the women I have dated seriously or not so seriously in the last 5 years, seem to want to stay around me indefinitely. I actually relish my me times, I love my girl but her need to always be around me is getting to be too much. I have found that the secret to my ability to be such a gracious host and being good company comes because I can indulge my alone time away from company. I wish there were more women who understood that!

  • **inquiring mind**

    For the record… I meant prudish- busy arse day!

  • **inquiring mind**

    You do realize when you get married that person is gonna be around you all the time right?… how you plan on handling that, well if you even plan on getting married in the first place of course?

  • Silent Scorpion

    All these rules…I’m so out of the loop

  • Michelle

    @ inquiring minds, I AM prude/prudish! LOL. I can only go there with someone I trust and can be open with. I think that kinda classifies me as a prude. 🙂
    I think a comedienne said once, “You slept with a guy 100 times and he introduces you as his ‘friend’.” I’m thinking hell naw! LOL. I’m defintely not clingy but I never wanna be a FwB or Jump-off and honestly I think that is kinda out-dated but it works for me.

  • Michelle

    @Silent Scorpion, who are you telling? I’m definitely behind on things. I’m trying to keep up by reading the blogs. It’s refreshing to hear men express themselves.

  • kris

    I’m glad I am no the only one…some guys didn’t get the memo that we have to work. I like my nights and mornings to be calm. Nothing wrong with hanging but spending the night throws me off during the week.

  • Alisha

    Yep, Michelle is dead on. I know guys are just as selective in who they let sleep over, it’s just refreshing to hear you say that. I don’t know about you, but I am very protective of my mornings. It could be the only child syndrome, but if I wake up and you’re there in the morning–basically the only time I really have to myself–I have to want you there. I don’t share my Cinnamon Toast Crunch with just anyone.

  • Tunde

    there’s nothing like waking up the morning, opening your eyes looking over and seeing a woman you really care about. like you said when it’s someone you don’t want to have there it’s more of a burden than anything.

  • Michelle

    @Alisha- Finally someone who admits that only-child syndrome really exists! LOL. I knew it. You are some special creatures, but i’m always connected to a guy that is an only-child. We are always butting heads. I am 1 of 5, so i’m used to sharing almost everything and, as a child, always having someone in my space. I remember when my overnight guest ate all the Crunch ‘n Munch, I was sooo pissed (it’s the principle). I asked him did you even think to leave me a few kernels. He really didn’t understand the concept of ‘save some for somebody else’. I gave him a pass because of the syndrome.

  • BoomShots

    @inquiring mind
    Being around me is a lot different from being upon under me. I don’t mind sharing my space just not the same space at the same time.

    I am just looking for someone who relishes alone time or can respect that concept. Its not that I don’t want to be around you but a little breathing room is greatly appreciated.

  • **inquiring mind**

    you know what?… you guys are so freggin picky- if ain’t one thing it’s anutha. You should be happy someone even wants to talk yo’ hermit behind

  • Tea

    Sorry to be crass, but this blog just has me wondering how much f*cking a man can really get into 28 years of life. I don’t know if it’s the way you write or what, but you seem like you’ve had more than a lion’s share. Neither good, nor bad, just making an observation.

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