The Single Expert
Before my last relationship, I was a serial monogamist, insomuch as one can be a serial monogamist before they hit 25. From middle school to my early post-college years, over and over again, there would be these girls with whom I would claim to be their boyfriend.
I quite enjoyed those times, even when I was in college and should have stayed single, I always thought my habitual relationship status was just a product of good fortune. The way I saw it, one could not be blamed for getting into a relationship with a woman as fine and cool as mine. Look at her, I would say. If you were me, you would wife her too.
Then, after my last break up, I realized something:
Damn Jozen, you don’t know a thing about what it takes to stay in a relationship. You should just call yourself a single expert*.
After all, that’s what being a serial monogamist really is; a person who is perpetually single, constantly available. So instead of thinking I knew a thing or two about relationships just because I was always in them, I decided instead to embrace what is I really know how to be, a single man.
I wanted to be single, not to go crazy, but to get settled; settled on myself and who I am. There would be no time limit or any kind of rules applied to how to exist with my newly acquired single status. There wouldn’t even be a concerted effort to remain single. All I really wanted to do was embrace my single-dom to the point where if I were ever to find myself alone again, not only would I know how to roll with it, I wouldn’t run away from it either.
Because I write a lot about relationships and matters of the heart on this site, I have been dubbed over time, a relationship expert of sorts. And sure, such a title is cool, but honestly, if I was really an expert at relationships, I probably would be in one. Just because I know exactly what to say does not mean I know exactly what to do.
What I do know how to do is go to bed and wake up by myself with a smile on my face. Sure there are nights and mornings where I think to myself, “Man, it would be great if a woman were here cooking breakfast for me,” but I shake such thoughts off just as quickly as they come. No use in wallowing about something that doesn’t exist in the present.
People often mistake this blog as some sort of glorification of bachelorhood, as though I am celebrating my status, but if anyone is paying close attention, they would see it’s so much more than that. Being a bachelor is something I embrace, but people should not mistake my comfort with cheer leading, and that courtesy should be extended to all eligible bachelors. When a man says he doesn’t want to get into a relationship right now, it means he hasn’t found the right one. When he says he enjoys being single, it’s because he’s comfortable with who he is as an individual. So I ask, what’s wrong with that?
People don’t understand how difficult it is to stay single, how much focus it takes to keep ones eyes on the prize. There are a lot of options out there, a lot of good options, and to not settle on one takes much discipline. To hold out time and time again for something a little bit more in line with what I want, can easily be foiled by the next best thing, but as they say, steady wins the race. And no one wants to win the race more than me.
One of my biggest fears used to be this idea of ending up alone, much like my biological father ended up.
Then one day I realized I won’t ever be alone. There is an endless number of people who love me. They may not be my girlfriend or my wife, but what does that matter if they are there should the day come when I check out? Further more, I also have my male friends, and male figures in my life, and as I have said before, a man’s relationship with the men in his life is equally important as the relationships he has with women. And nothing has helped me strengthen my relationships with the men in my life more than being single.
Of course I sometimes wonder if I am being too picky, if my inability to settle has less to do with patience and more to do with being particular to a fault. Some days, the relationship I have with myself is argumentative and volatile. But one thing it is not, is hateful. I have learned a valuable lesson: It’s not about being in love with being single, it’s about loving the person who is single, that person being me.
So there it is folks. From here on out, if ever you want to tell people who I am, refrain from such titles as “relationship expert” (not accurate) or “bachelor” (too many negative connotations that don’t apply to me). Instead, just tell them I’m a single expert, and when they ask what makes me an expert, tell them what I tell them: I’m so good at being single, I can get paid for it.
*If any person out there has already given themselves the title of Single Expert, and you’re reading this, sorry I didn’t know. But I’m probably better at it than you anyway.
