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Just So We’re Clear, She Doesn’t Want A Relationship Either

In the two years I have been single, I have learned a lot about the opposite sex. Dare I say, I have probably learned more about women being single than being in a relationship.

Before this extended time of single living, I don’t think I was as privy to some of the things about women I see now, largely because I was focused on finding one particular girl who I can call my girlfriend. When you’re on that journey, it’s all about learning about the woman, not the women. But now, two years into this journey, something about women is starting to become very clear to me and it is this:

Women don’t want a relationship any more than men do.

It’s not like I have been sitting on this vat of knowledge for years. Honestly, it’s not something I discovered until 2010, so to anyone who wants to say, “Duh,” send me an address so I can mail you a cookie. This thesis of mine is simply based on observation, taken from a deep study of my empty ass bed and months of unhonored plus-ones.

I have told people if I had to give 2010 a name or a title of some sorts, I would call it The Humbling.

That’s right, 2010 is the year of The Humbling because that is what most of the women who are drifting around my atmosphere are doing these days. They’re humbling me in all sorts of ways. Here are just a few:

  1. They don’t call me back
  2. They don’t want date number 2, even though date number 1 was off the hook.
  3. If they do want date number 2, they’re not tripping about when that happens. As a matter of fact, we may make plans for date number 2 and they may cancel.
  4. I don’t call them, they’re not mad.
  5. They don’t hear from me for a few days, they don’t seem to care.
  6. I want them, but they don’t want me.

These things are not necessarily earth-shattering surprises, more like refreshing revelations

Women in 2010 are definitely not giving a damn and playing by their own rules, don’t let anyone tell you different. That much is clear to me. Clear like the time I made some cookies for Santa, and my parents left them uneaten so I would stop believing he was real. Except, I’m the plate of cookies and the women are like my parents, they’re not eating them, and in the process, giving me a heavy handed dose of reality.

But let this post not be confused for a complaint. No, see, complaining would lead one to believe there is an actual problem. This is not a problem. All I am doing here is clarifying.

I want to clarify, that women are not only perfectly okay with their single status, they’re relishing in it like hot dogs that come with relish.

A lot of women are doing this and I know this because a lot of women I like, are choosing other options over liking me back. And I suppose I could assume it’s me that has the problem, but it’s so much bigger than me. I may have my flaws, but none of them make me completely undesirable. Tis a real man who can admit they have hit a wall with women, but tis a smart one who sees women have hit a wall too.

So maybe instead of just pointing the finger at myself, I can point the finger back at the women and say, Look, women have other guys they’re interested in or maybe they’re only interested in themselves. I don’t know what the reason is, all I know is the phrases “no” and “I don’t care” are ones I have been hearing a lot lately.

This holds true even for the women who have liked me, but I don’t reciprocate. They’re not any better than the ones who don’t like me back. For whatever energy they’re putting towards making something happen with me, they’re probably turning down a dude who wants what I don’t. He wants her, but she either doesn’t see him or she does and she’s not interested.

Men have been enjoying the single game for years and now because they see how much fun we’re having, women are enjoying it too. As a result, all of us are acting like a bunch of dollar bills being thrown in the air.

Like me for instance: Right now, I am a man wanted by some, but not by any who want me back. I am also a man wanted by others, but I don’t want any of them. So all parties involved keep on missing each other, and if I can be honest here, it’s taken me some getting used to.

I’m not saying I used to be God’s gift. I’m just saying I used to have a gift from God to be able to pinpoint exactly the type of woman who wanted me as much as I wanted her. Not every woman wanted me, but every woman I wanted, I got, up until, well, recently. These days, some women I want are doing their own thing.

These days, women aren’t trying to get wifed. They just want to hang and men should start paying attention to that instead of over-thinking themselves into a stupor.

So for now, ladies, the complaint box for women is officially closed.

The whole woe-is-I-where-is-my-man-why-won’t-someone-love-me book is finished. It’s not that I think it’s an old story I’ve heard a million times (even though it is), it’s just that I don’t believe it anymore. You all don’t want relationships. You all don’t want to find the loves of your life. You all just want to mack and hang, mack and hang, which is cool because, you know, I want to do that too. Maybe we can do it together.

Or not.

Categories: dating, guys, women Tags:
  • Tu’Naj

    Maybe it’s just that women are tired of the games men play, and are, hmmmm, lemme guess, playing the game back. I am not mad at men about this (atleast not this very moment) but I have to admit I had to switch gears to survive. And I honestly feel free! I dont care if he doesnt call me back, I dont care that I am single (and have been for the past # of years), I dont care that we didnt solidify our 2nd date plans, I dont care that he fell off from from calling/texting me how he used to when we first started talking. I just simply dont care. I am all about having fun and when “he” comes along and gets on my bandwagon and games have stopped we can talk. But until then, I just dont care.

  • http://www.dashofreality.wordpress.com Dash

    Ay! If you read my blog last year, this realization would have came sooner. So I’ll send you my address cuz I DO want a cookie. Oatmeal chocolate chip. Always baffles me that men think all women want them. I know not every man wants me, so why can’t men realize the same? Not rocket science. My “not interested” is met with “oh you have a boyfriend?’ NOPE. “OH you’re a lesbian” NOPE. I just don’t want you. Nothing personal. Ormaybe it is, in which case quit while you’re behind. I am begging you. Please spread this post everywhere possible on the web, in the hood, in the burbs, in corp america, in coffee houses, every damn where because these men aren’t getting it. SMH. I don’t want it to take another guy 20+ years to realize this. If all males knew this sooner, I’m sure we wouldn’t have half the gender relation problems we have now. It is a new day. Thank you for sharing, excellent post.
    PS- Latter

  • HES

    @Dash – thanks for the latter.

  • http://pastthevelvetrope.wordpress.com mimi

    I dont know about this one Jozen. I just think women are less likely to settle. The days are gone where we tried to be the perfect girl to a man while settling for his less than perfect ass. The truth is the 2010 woman has it going on… and wants her man… or even a dude she is heavily dating to have it going on too.

    Though being single is liberating and give our ego such a boost on a daily, women like to be in relationships– good ones. Atleast, that’s what I believe — or may I have bneen single too long.

    Maybe you have issues, Jozen. Those issues may have gotten you a pass before, but not anymore. Plus, due to the fact that Women are taking more charge, men are in effect, stepping up their game. There is a huge gap between the ones you have fun with and the one’s you let keep their toothbrush at your house these days. therefore, a good woman has more power and much more of a selection. Thank the hoes!! They give us good females the easy road.

    I think though, women are comfortably single these days. Therefore, where we used to do cute shit to get your attention, if you say you’ll call us back and don’t… it’s okay love… we dont act like it bothered us (yes because most times we exaggerate for affect here)… we just call someone else! 🙂 Not to say we want to be single, just to say if you don’t want to jump though hoops of fire, someone else does.

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    Um… why do I love this post out of all the other ones I’ve ever read on here LOL. I’m happy you’re aware Jozen because I’ve always gotten a look when I say to folks that no, I don’t need to be in a relationship to love life. People seem to forget, when we’re born, we’re born either alone, or right behind or right before a twin brother or sister. That’s it. We ain’t born joined at the hip with the person we settle on as a mate.

    …I. Love. This. Post. Sorry, had to say that shit again.

  • afro

    interesting post…but I’ll keep my comments to myself, as I am a tad bit bitter & single!

  • **inquiring mind**

    Finally… yes men the tables are turning- good for you Jozen… seeing the curve.

    Anyway, I don’t know so much that we don’t want a relationship… I think we just don’t want to play victim anymore. Y’all have been doing women dirty for a minute. Even you Champ(bwahahaha) admit to the grimey stuff you’ve done… imagine every guy that every woman has ever interacted with has done the same thing you did- can you blame women for being… hmmm what’s the phrase I’m looking for… OVER IT- me thinks not. So, so long “Love no Limit” and hello “I Can Do Bad All By Myself”

  • taurusitalia

    It’s comforting to hear the concern from the opposite sex, & the awareness that this is the time we live in. But all the same, it is upsetting because neither men or women will “man up” for potential relationship possibilities. Now this becomes an endless cycle between the sexes, an immaturity if you will. The next thing you know you are over 35 & still single and wondering “why me.” Yes, by this age, we have some sort of emotional baggage, which makes us drag our feet to get into another relationship. But if anyone, male or female, wants to enter into a committed relationship, the walls & pride have to come down a bit to allow love to come in again.

  • http://alana-supperclub.blogspot.com Alana

    As always Jozen I admire your will to put urself on front street and really allow people a look into who you are.I can’t speak for ALL women when I say this but I know for me and my girls its not that we are opposed to a relationship we just are’nt running head first into in anymore.We appreciating singledom for what it is,a time to really work on our lives and careers.With age comes wisdom.I’ve learned that if & when it happens,it happens;until then I will be my life and the men in it!!

  • HoneyMoney

    I think we still want relationships…I know I do! But at 31, if you play games…I just don’t have the energy to play back and therefore it may seem that I don’t care. It is part jadedness and maybe partly the economic climate. I no longer want to spend my time doing useless things dating useless people. Good time to self-reflect and prioritize who I spend my time with…

  • Lex

    *five up top* 😉
    That is all.

  • http://facebook.com/yesip621 Yesi Jukebox

    Hmm..seems I never quite fit in to the “norm”

  • Peechez

    I do just want to mack and hang, mack and hang…….until I get married. The 2 are not mutually exclusive (at least in my case).

  • Nicole

    Kudos, I agree with what someone said earlier, this is my favorite blog post of yours to date. Before I believed in monogamy, but there is no point in being in a relationship if you’re with someone who doen’t complement you entirely or is still looking elsewhere. Why settle, especially when these men are dating numerous women at a time. So what if I’m talking to 4+ men right now, not sleeping with them of course, but just learning about them and having fun until I meet that 1 person who is able to complement me more fully. Dating should be treated as a learning experience, not necessarily being on a hunt for the mythical “one” but meeting new people, having fun, enjoying life, and living well. If the guys on my team stay, great, if not ok, their positions will easily become filled when I meet the next one. I no longer keep track of phone calls, dates, etc. I’m just going with the flow of this thing called life.

  • http://metroadlib.wordpress.com/ metroadlib

    i have been saying this for YEARS, and no one will listen, thanks to Oprah and Dr. Phil. i had a boyfriend for like, 100 years. and he never got sick. not ever. but that one time a year when he DID get sick, it was awful. i remember, one time, about a year or so, ago, he was “deathly ill” or whatever, and i’d worked an 18 hour day, and this dude, who lived 45 minutes from me called me hacking and wheezing. i did the COURTESY “is there anything i can get you?” and lo and behold, this jackass harshly wheezes, “can you bring me some fruit?” as it was like 10 pm, i figured he’d just fall asleep and forget about it, so i agreed, but went ahead and went to bed myself. i woke up at 1 am to the sound of my phone buzzing. when i answered he was all, “when you come, can you get me some juice, too?” i don’t know if you’re aware of this, but, grocery stores start putting fruit away at like…8 pm. i had to go to THREE different stores, use ALL TYPES of sexually suggestive innuendo on overly-eager late shift workers, and then drive 45 minutes to where this dude lived only to hear him hacking up his sickly innards all night. every time someone suggests that i settle down, i think of that night.

  • BoomShots

    Is this a younger woman phenomenon?
    Because if it is I may have to start dating younger. Because in my neck of the woods it sort of bonkers, I feel like the last of the Mohicans, I am a decent man I believe but I haven’t seen this much demand for my attention since I worked at BK.
    But seriously, its not like I am not interested in a long term relationship but it seems everybody I meet wants that off the bat.

    If thats the new women for the 21st centuy I commend them I am all for women making their own way and doing things how they like it. Just don’t be like your predecessors and start panicking when you get closer to 40 about all the choices you could have made, because I have seen it happen too much.

  • Codie Elaine

    Yeah, Jozen, I’d have to say these women who you are entertaining are either young and careless or old and over it. Or maybe it’s a New York thing. I don’t know a woman who doesn’t actually want a boyfriend, a husband, or at least a boo, i.e. some consistent affection and dinner dates. I don’t know whether that’s just chicks I know or LA girls or what, but I wouldn’t say that your thesis is true of “women,” just those who you, personally, have encountered recently.

  • Tia

    AMEN to this. I been single for almost 5 years. It’s just seem so hard for me to start a relationship with someone new. I am in my early 30’s and I am so ready to commiT. The men that are into me I am not into them in vice versa. It’s ANNOYING!!!!

  • Pamela

    Yes, that’s right, not ALL women want a relationship. Some women IN relationships don’t want the ones they have! Finally someone understands that there are some women out there who just want to hang, and at times do a little more without commitment. And what’s wrong with that?

  • Sunkissed404

    This is true Jozen…It’s a different day. Women are kinda over dudes jumping from female to female…being kept in rotation. I know one thing. Being a single female, it is extremely hard to date in Atlanta.. A good bit of the black dudes are dating each other(DL or up high)…As if we didn’t have a man shortage already. Sheesh!

    * Like Inquiring mind said..”I can do bad all by myself.”

  • Renee
  • E-Dub

    Wow. I think your finger is on the pulse Jozen. It’s not you (the only personal thing I could think of deterring a woman from being interested in such a “smart, thoughtful, good looking man who loves his mama” like you, is a fear of being written about in your blog), but us women. Many are realizing a relationship is not the end all be all to our happiness! Don’t get me wrong, I do believe “We get to heaven two by two” (Marianne Williamson) but it should be two wholes, not two halves, and a lot of us have some individual work to do first.

    A lot of women are starting to see their actual power, within themselves, and with their men. A friend of mine put it this way–Men do SO MUCH BETTER when they are in relationships. They eat better, often dress better, and are generally just handling their business more than their single friends. The opposite is often true for women. Most women will not say the overall quality of their life improves because they are in a relationship (unless they marry rich, which is a whole nother subject). And for many, it goes down, for all the energy they exert for the relationship. That doubles if they live together as (in our society) the status of the home reflects on the woman.

    I always found myself “lost” in my relationships, and so I took two years off to get some self-mastery before I tried merging with a man again. I held my ground with nosy relatives, admirers who questioned my sexuality, and the sometimes lonely days. I feel so much better equipped now to be fully present, and to choose a balanced and loving partner. I want either an amazing relationship, or none.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @E-Dub cosign alladat!

  • Brittany

    I really liked this post. I think that women do want a relationship but we aren’t desperate for one. After dating people you kinda learn what works for you and what doesn’t. Sometimes it’s not worth it to put energy into a person who is not on the same page as you. If the guy is busy playing games and whatnot, of course it doesn’t bother us cause we’re aren’t even on that same level. Personally, I like when I have that special someone in my life but it is NOT a necessity. Romantic relationships do not equate to complete happiness. Also, I wish that more people wouldn’t view singleness as a bad thing. Spending the time to focus on yourself and do/learn what makes you happy will only improve future relationships. Wouldn’t you like your future bf or gf/spouse to take that time to do the same?? You’ll both enter the relationship as better people.
    @E-Dub you summed it up perfectly… “I want either an amazing relationship, or none.” Couldn’t agree more!!

  • BoomShots

    @E-Dub
    I may be because most men don’t wrap their identity into the person with whom they are having a relationship. I have never understood the need for women to feel that they need to wrap who they are around me because we are dating are involved. One of the sticking points in many of my past relationships was that wanted my woman to be more about herself as she wanted to be about me but I can’t tell you how many women saw that as my wanting to not commit to them. Even though I gave them my full attention when we were together.

    Anyone will be lost in a relationship if they go through it not as themselves.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @BoomShots Anyone will be lost in a relationship if they go through it not as themselves.

    I agree with this statement… however, speaking from experience- getting lost or being completely “sold-out” in a relationship I don’t think is a decision a woman wakes up and makes. I was young and inexperienced- it happens, but I’ve grown since then and though I don’t look on that situation as a positive (for many reasons) it doesn’t however deter me from wanting to feel “sold-out” again- but this time I want it to happen with someone I can trust and is willing to get lost with me. You know, I’ve been twirling the idea around that maybe it’s innate to women because it’s how we were created (see Bible- Eve came from Adam’s rib). We’re apart of you so naturally we would cling to what’s sunder. I believe we weren’t meant to be independant of you. I get so frustrated with those “I-N-D-E-P-E-N etc etc” songs because that’s not what we want- stop glorifying a phucked-up condition. Most women I know want someone to depend on and rely on- a partner- a teammate- a protector- a companion(?)… why is that so wrong? Or better yet, what is it in you that doesn’t want to be that for us?

  • Netreia

    I don’t know, I don’t know (SMH). This piece has stirred a few thoughts. You could be on to something Jozen with this piece. There are so many things to say about this issue.

    I do know a few young women, who would rather just have many, many first dates than deal with being in a full-fledge relationship and I think BoomShots has point this new generation of women are a different bred. They are independent, self-sufficient, living the life and are seemingly, completely happy. They enjoy a date or two with a young man then they move on. But why is the question, I think. Are they trying to avoid being hurt, used, taken advantage of my a man? Are these women truly happy on the inside?

    Man, I have all these thoughts on this one and I can’t quite get them out.

    But I will say this, I’ve done the single life & the committed-for-7-years-to-one-man life and I completely believe being independent is so overrated!

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    @BoomShots
    People need to stop panicking about the wrong things. That is all I have to say to that.

  • esteezy

    yea i think u pretty much hit the nail on the head with this one. women are just played out by the games. so we don’t get all worked up anymore….just tired of it.

  • Jess

    I think…people who are happily single are happily single, but that they just haven’t met that one person who ticks all their boxes. I feel if they did, despite their happy singleness, they would discard their single status and become attached….

  • http://www.eveonmymind.blogspot.com/ Nyleve

    Jozen, recently discovered your blog and I love it and your perpective on life. Women these days are dating more like men. hence the popularity of books like The Four Man Plan, Date like a man and so on. I am very happy single but do want a relationship with the right man. In the meantime…in order to find that man…I do have to date many frogs. Until I meet Mr. Right….i gotta date all the Mr. Maybe’s. You should check out the Four man plan and write about what you think of that. http://www.thefourmanplan.com

  • http://mavenminds.wordpress.com UrbaneDame

    I tried to peruse previous comments before replying, hoping to avoid redundancy. But here’s my 2 cents anyway…

    Women do want to be in relationships. Maybe not all the time, and maybe not with you, but they still want it. In between relationships we may need to take a break, enjoy time with friends and family, and work on some goals, but the desire doesn’t get thrown out the window (just temporarily tabled).

    The humbling experience of not getting called back or moving on to the 2nd date, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want a relationship. It means she’s just not that into you. No woman I know would go out with a guy that really moves her and say “no thanks.” I don’t care what she has going on in her life. We’re not desperate, so we don’t need to be wifed by every dude we meet or occasionally date. But if we do come across a combination of the right chemistry, physical attraction, and a decent amount of things checked off the list, TRUST we want that second date.

  • http://mavenminds.wordpress.com UrbaneDame

    P.S. If we’ve gone out and I think we’ve had a great time, but I don’t hear back from you in days or you drag your ass about trying to set up a second date I’m assuming you’re probably not that into me. Call it pride or whatever. I just think when two people hit it off they know and want to capitalize on it. So when you finally do get around to calling me I probably will be nonchalant. And if we do go out again it’s because I had fun the first time, but I’m not thinking relationship unless you express otherwise.

    P.P.S. Maybe you should change it to your Preparation Years. God may be letting these women pass you by because they’re not “the one” (or whoever your waiting for). Part of that preparation is humility, and I’m sure some other lessons that (hopefully) come with age and experience. I’m pretty sure if you thought you’d come across her, you wouldn’t let her go that easily. Likewise, I prefer subsequent dates not occur if we know it’s just not there. They can’t all be the one. 🙂

  • http://blog.mox-box.com Brittany

    Yeah I mean.. I feel weird about this post. It’s like you’ve always watched one channel that had all your favorite shows, but when you flipped to another you kept your tv on mute. I don’t know that nobody wants relationships, maybe it’s something deeper.

    Or shit maybe it IS just you.

  • http://www.bringbackjason.com/ Patrick

    @BoomShots
    People need to stop panicking about the wrong things. That is all I have to say to that.

  • http://www.dirtywhistle.com/ George

    I don’t know, I don’t know (SMH). This piece has stirred a few thoughts. You could be on to something Jozen with this piece. There are so many things to say about this issue.

    I do know a few young women, who would rather just have many, many first dates than deal with being in a full-fledge relationship and I think BoomShots has point this new generation of women are a different bred. They are independent, self-sufficient, living the life and are seemingly, completely happy. They enjoy a date or two with a young man then they move on. But why is the question, I think. Are they trying to avoid being hurt, used, taken advantage of my a man? Are these women truly happy on the inside?

    Man, I have all these thoughts on this one and I can’t quite get them out.

    But I will say this, I’ve done the single life & the committed-for-7-years-to-one-man life and I completely believe being independent is so overrated!

  • http://www.freedomsociety.net/ Ian

    @BoomShots
    People need to stop panicking about the wrong things. That is all I have to say to that.

  • http://www.clearduct.com/ Charles

    P.S. If we’ve gone out and I think we’ve had a great time, but I don’t hear back from you in days or you drag your ass about trying to set up a second date I’m assuming you’re probably not that into me. Call it pride or whatever. I just think when two people hit it off they know and want to capitalize on it. So when you finally do get around to calling me I probably will be nonchalant. And if we do go out again it’s because I had fun the first time, but I’m not thinking relationship unless you express otherwise.

    P.P.S. Maybe you should change it to your Preparation Years. God may be letting these women pass you by because they’re not “the one” (or whoever your waiting for). Part of that preparation is humility, and I’m sure some other lessons that (hopefully) come with age and experience. I’m pretty sure if you thought you’d come across her, you wouldn’t let her go that easily. Likewise, I prefer subsequent dates not occur if we know it’s just not there. They can’t all be the one. 🙂

  • http://www.vegacall.com/ Tony

    I think…people who are happily single are happily single, but that they just haven’t met that one person who ticks all their boxes. I feel if they did, despite their happy singleness, they would discard their single status and become attached….

  • http://vickstahs.tumblr.com vk

    oh my god. spot on. 2010 women -are- happily single, lols. i guess we’re just a bit sick of men as they were of us. cheers jozen!!

  • donz

    because women now knows what they want… WE WANT THE REAL THING OR NONE AT ALL!!!

  • Anonymous

    Truth.com, although I would be more inclined to say that it’s less about women not wanting relationships and more about them not being so pressed as to get into one with just anyone who’s offering. I’m personally enjoying the single and unattached (emphasis on the latter.. I hate those grey area relationships) life, but believe me when I say that I would be all-too happy to be coupled up with Mr Great-for-me. I have no time for men who are not looking to make me a priority in their lives, nor am I willing to make one a priority simply because he’s available and willing.