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Five Ways Your Facebook Profile Ruined Our Chances

I’m superficial. There is no use in even lying about it. I care about how a girl looks, how she talks, what kind of place she lives in; the list is endless. I know none of it really matters at all, has no connection to what’s truly important, but first impressions are also important to me. They’re important to everybody, so it is why we remain sticklers for the surface level stuff.

Outside of personal interaction, no place helps us gauge the superficial qualities of a person more than Facebook. We get to see photos, their favorite quotes, television shows, and maybe, if they’re frequent status updaters, their wit. Facebook, for me, has kind of become the Cliff Notes to a woman and I’m not even going to lie, sometimes, these Cliff Notes are so good, I want to read more. But sometimes, every once in a while, I come up on a woman’s profile that makes me want to pass on getting to know her beyond her page. These are the five reasons why:

MUTUAL FRIENDS

If we have 10 or more mutual friends, I have to scroll the list to make sure none of them will conflict. If we have no mutual friends, we’re in the clear, but I’m hesitant because now I can’t get a background check. If we have one mutual friend, and that person just happens to be either one of my best friends, or a girl I used to have relations with, chances are, we’re not going to be more than Facebook friends.

SHE HAS NOTHING BUT SMALL PROFILE PICS

Let’s say we met at a very dark or poorly lit spot, and I didn’t get a good chance to see her. The next day, I friend her in hopes of making a more complete evaluation. She confirms. I click on her name and  what do I see? All her profile pics are the size of a driver’s license photo. If I wanted to use small pics to evaluate a woman, I’d of followed her on Twitter.

HER PERSONAL QUOTES ARE ALL BY JAY-Z OR BEYONCÉ

Most of us do it in casual conversation. Men quote Jay-Z (never Beyoncé), women quote him and his wife. There’s nothing wrong with this. But if “If you liked her then you should’ve put a ring on it” is a life motto, a personal quote she lives by, I already know what to do. On to the next one.

ALL HER PICS ARE GOOFY FACES

Look, I know pictures should show personality. I appreciate a goofy, quirky, off-beat picture  just as much as the next person, but ladies please, mix in some of those pretty pictures too.  The ones Mom likes. Why? Because I’m trying to show my boys the girl whose number I got last night, and it’s embarrassing when he says, “So it’s this girl with the tongue sticking out making her eyes-crossed?”

SHE ALWAYS LOL’s HER OWN STATUS UPDATES

Girl, please let the people decide whether or not your status update was funny because half the time their not. It makes me wish Facebook would develop a “Not Funny” button so under the status it can read: Jozen Cummings thinks this is not funny.


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  • nancy b.

    LOL :p

  • @NyceBryce

    Copying: “Girl, please let the people decide whether or not your status update was funny because half the time their not. It makes me wish Facebook would develop a “Not Funny” button so under the status it can read: Jozen Cummings thinks this is not funny.”

    And adding it to the quotes in my Facebook profile.

  • http://jovianzayne.wordpress.com/ Jovi

    I’d add: If your wall is covered in stuff from the opposite sex…I can likely assume so is your honesty box and message inbox. You’re probably doing a whole lot. A whole, whole lot. Or a whole lot is being thrown to you. No need to join the squad.

  • Miss Sia

    This is funny, because almost EVERYONE is on limited profile. I don’t make any exceptions, and the ones that aren’t dont have access to my photos. At all. Only the people tagged in them.

    Welp, oh well.

    I denied someone who knows my sister and he met me out this past weekend. Uhhh no. FB page is on lockdown. : )

  • Theryl

    Can we talk about not airing out ALL our business? And pls stop having cyber beefs with folk! Not a good look!

  • http://lifetoolsuniversity.com Coach Jacqui Dobens

    It’s actually not a bad thing to quote some of Jay Z’s & Beyonce’s lyrics. For example, I Love the collabo’s of Jay Z with Kanye. My fave to date is Diamonds Are Forever.
    Favorite line is “Difficult Takes A Day, Impossible Takes A Week”.

    Studied his craft and business acumen for a book, ebook & mp3 I have written.
    To learn how to put some of Jay Z’s money making habits check out:
    http://lifetoolsuniversity.info for free sample of MP3

  • Terron

    “Jozen Cummings thinks this is not funny.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    and all the above about profile pictures… touche.

  • Janine

    Hahaha, hella laughed out loud at that last line.

  • Stalllion

    “Facebook, for me, has kind of become the Cliff Notes to a woman and I’m not even going to lie, sometimes, these Cliff Notes are so good I want to read more”. Wow! So that is what men think about women on Facebook. Thanks for the secret you are best! :)

  • Netreia

    DONE! LOL!

  • Sunkissed404

    Lol… I love this one.

    This is my justification for staying on facebook. I have to be honest. I sign off and on almost everytime I’m on FB because I have control issues…So, I don’t want people being able to see my profile when I’m not using it that often (*shrugging shoulders*). Anyways, I hate it..but, Facebook is useful… I’m shocked by the amount of information people share with the world to view. I have weeded out alot of people I used to like using Facebook.

  • http://facebook.com/yesip621 Yesi Jukebox

    This entry is pretty funny but you make some good points..and I guess when you got stuck on what to write today you just found inspiration on facebook huh.
    I defenitely agree with @Theryl people sometimes put waaaayyyy too much of their info out there.

  • http://www.ihatethewayyoueatcereal.wordpress.com Silent Scorpion

    LOL..you seem to have a long list of dislikes…funny read nevertheless

  • **inquiring mind**

    yeah this was funny, but… you’re late *arms crossed* hmph!

  • http://www.FrenchKissez.wordpress.com Frenchie

    I must agree with most of your items and add spelling and grammar.
    I don’t expect anyone to be a human dictionary or encyclopedia on Facebook. However, if I can barely understand what he’s saying and I have to read several sentences over again because I didn’t get it the first time, I’m moving on.

  • http://www.facebook.com/deannawallace Deanna

    This is too funny…why do people insist on having these thumbnail size pics on their profile??

  • http://www.girlsarethenewboys.blogspot.com doowaditty

    *deletes* “he’s on my bra strap, i’m on his dick. ain’t nothing wrong with that, i’m his biiiiiiiitch” off my profile hah. i wanted to put LOL but i’m too late. now trying to find the cross-eyed tongue sticking out emoticon.

  • Lauren

    I’d like to add 1) not untagging the unattractive pictures of you throwing up on the sidewalk last night after the club 2) mentioning sexcapades with your boo thang in your status updates 3) talking shit to other people through wall posts.

  • Anonymous

    As a woman, I mentally (and instantly) scratch a man off of my list of potentials if the vast majority of his pictures feature him + a chick. (I’m not referring to multiple pictures of my new Facebook friend and his ex-though that may be disturbing for other reasons); rather, pictures of him and WOMEN (especially those who look like “club chicks” who may be posing with their asses to the camera).
    I’m also going to add men who pose with their cars or big up their Frat a little too much…

  • Miss

    All her tagged pictures were of her partying in the club?

  • Arii Price

    You could always add in completely ignoring a woman due to the immense amount of widgets and flash games they play. Nothing is more annoying than friending someone, then in the next hour or so, being bombarded with 100 updates about how well their Facebook ant farm is doing.

  • hater on you fb loser

    you’re a superficial loser!

  • http://www.nicolen275.blogspot.com Nicole

    @Frenchie I totally agree with you on that one!

  • http://www.gtridez.com Dee

    “Jozen Cummings thinks this is not funny” hahahahaha it’s almost 4am here and I swear I look (and sound) like a crazy person laughing at that line. Genius Jozen!

    I wish there was a spell check button, as well as a subject and verb agreement warning for some people too. I’m as straightforward as they come on FB, so if someone comments on any of my statuses tryna be funny like me…and it jus dont sound right…ur gettin deleted and I’m tellin u why! LOL

  • udee

    Oh good! We totally have a chance now lol
    ….oh, wait…

  • http://pastthevelvetrope.wordpress.com mimi

    smh…

  • afro

    But if “If you liked her then you should’ve put a ring on it” is a life motto, a personal quote she lives by, I already know what to do. On to the next one.

    LMAO! love it! Once again, superb post! i love when you do the “lists”

  • Cyt_grl

    Love the post. And I’m editing my fb now, lol. I can put lol there right? J/k

  • m&m

    Bahaa…love the FB suggestion, I would use it myself

  • http://facebook.com/yesip621 Yesi Jukebox

    @Arii Price That’s hilarious, and oh so true. Especially when they start inviting you to play all the games they do!

  • naima

    This is hilarious! So true. Don’t think us ladies aren’t fact checkin and reading cliff notes on the fellas sites too :)

  • Pascalle

    Niiice. I have actually felt myself like a dude less when he tells me something crazy like “I don’t have a Facebook page.” Excuse me? I mean yea we can get to know each other traditionally but it’s a cyber-world. Get with it, and be considerate enough to have some social networking profile where I can size you up without you knowing it, is that too much to ask?