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Man To The Next Man

Because I have never been treated badly, never been blatantly disrespected by a woman with whom I was in a relationship, I always wished them the best when our journey ended. Even if we couldn’t remain friends, I care about them and their happiness.

So to the men out there who got next on my girl, here’s something I’d like to say to you. Man to man.

I’m not here to ruffle any feathers; not in the business of starting some drama. Man to man, I just feel like I need to say something and when I’m done, no need to thank me, just take what I say about your girl for what it’s worth and use it to your liking.

Your new girl is my ex girl, and as you probably already know she’s a great girl. What you might not know is she’s absolutely crazy, but don’t worry she’s going to show you that sooner than later. She’s crazy and yeah, I’ll be the first to admit, a part of her craziness is probably my fault. I didn’t find her like that, I kind of made her like that.

I did some things I shouldn’t of done when we were together. I made her mad, I made her cry, I made her a skeptic. So now, she’s a little crazy, and you’re about to see that firsthand, but here’s my advice, for what it’s worth. Just roll with it. Because as crazy as she gets, watch what happens when she goes crazy over you.

She’s going to treat you like a king, and probably do things for you she used to tell me she would never do for anyone. Things like, learn how to make a dish she never made before just because you said you had a taste for it, or watch a show she swore she wouldn’t like just because it’s your favorite.

She’ll do little things like that just to show how crazy she is over you, but to get there, you’re going to have to be a little crazy too. Crazy to put up with her antics, the ones she developed when she was with me. Things like, going through your phone while you’re in the shower just because it’s unlocked, or going off on you just because you went out with your friends and didn’t call when you said you were going to call.

I should apologize, in advance, for all that BS, you’re going to endure, because a part of it is my fault. But, look man, it’s worth it. Trust me. That little bit of crazy she has, in exchange for all the good she can offer, is a fair trade. You just have to be willing to work for it, like I did, and let me tell you, it’s not going to be easy.

Because I may have made her crazy, but how do you think I did that? It’s not only because of the bad I done, it’s also because of the good.

I set the bar high, my dude. Just ask her how high. She’ll probably tell you, I did okay, but trust me, the minute you mess up, she’ll think back to how I did better than okay. A big reason why I’m friends with all my exes to this day is because in retrospect, all of them give me props for how good I treated them, and your woman, my ex, is no different.

I made her laugh, and she loved that. I made her smile, she loved that. I knew how to make her feel good, and she loved that. So don’t think because she’s not with me now, and you’re in there, you’re better than. No, you’re just next, and not only do you have to meet the bar I set, it’s on you to raise it higher.

For that, you don’t need any words of advice from me, you just need to sip from a big old bottle of patience and hope your methods are better than mine. You have a good woman, my man. A very good woman. Don’t just treat her right. Treat her better than I did.

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  • Danielle D

    AWESOME…Love it…Makes alot of sense…I am glad you own up to making her “crazy.” I was about to say I don’t do crazy stuff like look through phones but I did with my now ex boyfriend….I know that wasn’t the point of this blog but just a little advice to others…when you look for it, you find it. I am not saying over look cheating I am just saying, when you look for it you find it….Ok but yeah great post!

  • Sunkissed404

    True words my dear, true words. I always tell remind myself that the next guy I am in a serious relationship has to be better than my ex. I have to admit, he set the bar pretty high, when it comes to intellect and profession. But, the bar is mighty low when it comes to being patient, understanding, and selflessness. If I was to see him again, and he’s out with his new girl, I would definitely know that she has her hands full…and I will not miss any of his antics, at all!lol

  • afro

    love it!

  • m&m

    this was a really good post. It kinda refreshing to hear a man admit that he had a slight hand in making a woman crazy, lol!! Because the ones I’ve dealt with pleaseeee. They are innocent (in their minds) and I’m the psycho (although I’m not the surfing through his cell-phone, pants or coat pocket psycho, lol) I’m more of the scream you out type!!!

  • Netreia

    Good post today, makes me wonder what would my recent ex say to my next. I think I might just send this to him & then ask. But as I always say, everyone has a little crazy in them, it is just a matter of how how crazy the next is willing to put up with.

  • Florence

    Nice post. It’s refreshing to hear a man say a woman is a good woman, just not for him. Some men like to focus on one fault, mainly the craziness, and blame the entire relationship on that. You speak the truth… Thanks

  • http://www.ivplay.ca Pow

    Great Post

  • http://alana-supperclub.blogspot.com Alana

    So you do understand why were crazy,you do realize we were’nt born like this,you understand that someone drove us here,a few someones,good to know.

  • tihawkins

    i don’t know why i feel like you’re firing shots in this post… but i like it!

  • Lola

    About time someone recognized that indeed we are NOT crazy (well maybe some of US are not crazy). It’s also anice breath of fresh air to have a man admit that maybe, just maybe, they’re the reason behind some of that craziness.

    Great post!

    xoxo
    Lola

  • http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ MadScientist7

    good post dude.

  • Tia

    Yes my ex has definitely brought out the craziness in me but he also brought out some of the good qualities in me. Great Post.

  • Anthony

    “Don’t just treat her right. Treat her better than I did.”

    For a person that doesn’t know how to treat a lady, you sure have a lot of opinions about it.

    Further, as a person that was raised in a single parent household because his Dad “Didn’t know how to treat her right” you come off real corny. #shoutout to all your friends giving you props for this.

  • Maria

    Great post. “Don’t just treat her right. Treat her better than I did.” I am one of the few that don’t check phones or attempt to solve your cryptic email and/or voicemail passwords but I will get my point across if needed. Maybe showing a little crazy is better than passive aggressive because at least they can see it coming.

  • Diana

    I take my hat off to you! Great post!

  • Sunkissed404

    @Anthony
    Ummmm..? I was reading through the comments. Yours left me duped. What does all of that mean??

  • Shani

    Now Damn! Bravo!

  • ethiopianLady

    i’ve been reading for a while. impressed with some over others. this piece made me want to comment for the first time out of the months i’ve been reading.

    All because of this one line.

    “Because as crazy as she gets, watch what happens when she goes crazy over you.
    She’s going to treat you like a king, and probably do things for you she used to tell me she would never do for anyone.”

  • http://beautifullycomplex.blogspot.com/ Beautifully Complex

    Great Post Jozen ! This has always been an interesting phenomenon. In my days of dating and having conversations with guys on/in the dating scene about dating, guys ALWAYS make reference to not wanting to date women with “baggage”. I understand it totally & get the idea that no one wants to pay another man’s bill. But when we come to this point in conversation, I always ask guys, “How many women from your past have some “baggage” that can be DIRECTLY attributed to their experiences with dating or having a relationship with YOU ?”
    **crickets***
    It’s amazing that men think that they can do all they can do, run afoul of women forever and a day, but when they have had all their fun & get to that point that they want to settle down, pick one & just be happy, they expect to easily find, and many think they somehow DESERVE the (somewhat mythical)chick with no baggage ! LOL

  • goalawal

    Who the fcuk is this Anthony guy? WOW, you read a few post and know Jozenc oh so well huh? for all its worth you still read the post and took time out your day to post a comment. I’ll say MISSION ACCOMPLISHED for the author.

  • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

    “Don’t just treat her right. Treat her better than I did.”

    Aw, I liked that!

    And I’mma be a crazy woman for a second and point out this:

    “I did some things I shouldn’t of done when we were together.”

    Yeah, as a writer, I know you already know and I ain’t tellin’ you nothing new. It’s a simple typo, but it popped out at me like a nagging gnat. It would’ve done the same had I made the same simple typo..which, I do make them in general…a lot.

  • Roni

    Love this … first time I’ve ever heard a man own up to the fact that he played a part in why his former loves are a little bit more crazy than they were when he found them. This has been added to my list of favorites.

  • Dililah

    Very interesting read. I enjoyed it.

    Two questions (which I know you probably won’t answer):

    Do you still engage in the activities that you think made her/them crazy?

    Would you take advice from the man that made the woman your with “crazy?”

  • MJB

    @ Beautifully complex – Well said!

    I find that some men are scared of the effort and work necessary in ‘rebuilding’ their
    woman.
    All women have ‘crazy’ in them that vary in degrees. I personally don’t like the term ‘crazy’. I would say most women have things that tick them off but its only because of bad past experiences that build up over time.

    Bad experiences, repeatedly, can diminish a woman’s true value/worth. That’s why some women are so bitter..because of the build-up.

    Jozen – Thanks for acknowledging men’s contribution to women’s insecurities. Just as you can admit your contribution, we as women can admit that some of the things we do are crazy. Let’s help each other heal and buid better relationships!

  • BoomShots

    The more the years fade on a relationship the more most of us focus on the good and less on the bad, thus the term “Good Old Days”. On closer review we realize that most times they were not as good as we remembered them. I think the same applies to exes, most of us come to realize that if they were that good we would have never let them go or them us.

    If you been in relationship(s) you will no doubt have some relationship baggage and any reasonable person will expect that but having it become the new person’s problem is not kosher. We are a collection of our experiences, good or bad, however its the individual choice to determine how those experiences will shape our future behavior. So blaming me for your exes past behavior is not contributing to positive growth or having that negatively impact how you relate to me.

    We can create any excuse we want to explain away our bad behavior in the past or present but at the end of the day, its just excuses. You may want to do away with all the excuses and start to understand the reasons we do what we do in a relationship because only then can you really effect positive changes.

  • Top5WitnessProtection

    One thing I have learned is we focus to much on the bad things on the break up instead of the good things. I learned a lot from my ex and i hope she learned a lot from me. It will make us both better in our next relationships.

  • k_dot

    @BoomShots
    Cosign here. I’m kinda shocked and a little disturbed at a couple things about this piece. Not long ago, Jozen wrote a piece in which he talked about women by and large lacking responsibility for their mistakes, neither owning up to them nor apologizing for them (at least without being equivocal). But today it’s “she’s crazy, i made her that way and you should accept her for her crazy”.

    Which is it, my man: do women need to take more responsibility for their actions or are you good with being blamed for the “crazy” that they do?

    For my part, I’m sorry, but I don’t take responsibility for making anyone “crazy” and I don’t think anyone else should, unless that person’s guilty of being abusive, which is a whole other bag. We’ve all done good and bad in relationships and we all control our own responses to another person’s good or bad. Either you roll with it and forgive or you hold onto it and act “crazy” and blame it on the other person. The latter response is not the mature or responsible one. Two wrongs don’t make right and pointing out what someone else did wrong to hurt you still doesn’t excuse your otherwise inexcusable behavior.

    Ladies, stop it. He, whoever he is, didn’t make you crazy no more than you did him. What you do to and for each other is a matter of a series of choices — CHOICES — that you and you alone make.

  • http://www.themochacafe.wordpress.com Charlyn

    Jozen, Jozen. This damn near brought tears to my eyes, but i can’t cry because i’m gangsta. But this goes both way. I think I will write about it. Thank you for the inspiration.

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    @k_dot
    I agree, why would you let another man alter who you are just because he didn’t know the value of what he had. My resolution moving from one man to the next was always to remain who I am. And that means not letting some “ex” rob you of your ability to love or trust fully.

    So maybe “crazy” is actually scared, but either way its not justified.

  • k_dot

    @MissMina
    You’re right, crazy is often “scared” and that’s the truth on both parts. People do odd, hurtful, even dangerous things to each other when they feel vulnerable. And especially among black men and women, there’s so much hurt to go around that it should be no surprise that there’s so much “crazy”. That said, that you brought crazy, or scared, into our relationship is not my fault. You have a responsibility to work to heal yourself so that you don’t treat me badly BEFORE you meet me and I have the same responsibility. Conversely, if we meet and we’re both wounded and scared, we need to commit to helping each other heal, if possible, rather than acting foul toward each other and then refusing to admit our respective foulness.

    C’mon people: the blame game in relationships DOES. NOT. WORK.

  • Anti

    THIS has to be the THE most HE-motional shit i’ve read since i was introduced to the internets! In all your arrogance you actually believe that you drove this broad crazy; and THEN you type up some solemnly sad shit like this, taking responsibility for that was probably a mentally unstable person to begin with…You probably feel responsible for the earthquake in Haiti. I’m also willing to bet that the next guy is currently trying to figure out how to drop her crazy ass without getting his car tires slashed or his genitals mutilated. Congratulations. You have successfully entered the Realm of Moistness.

  • Don’t Know It All

    @Sunkissed404

    You took the words….right out of my mouth! Nuff said!

  • http://facebook.com/yesip621 Yesi Jukebox

    I would love to get a letter like this from any of the many women who have messed up some of the guys ive dated lol

  • Sunkissed404

    @Don’t Know It All
    You know what I’m sayin’?? My ex was smooth…Real Smooth. He had the swagger of Denzel “on camera” and all that…But, behind closed doors, some insecurities and selfish ways that could drive some to drinkin’. But, I’ll be damned b4 I let any man get to me that way….And I digress..lol

  • tisha

    @kdot.

    Agreed. I’m a hodge-podge mix of all my experiences. And even at that, I don’t have to allow them to define me, act them out, or even dwell on them at all, truth told. We are all our own special type of “crazy.” Relationships work when you understand what type of person you’re dealing, whether you WANT to deal with that type of person, and exactly HOW to deal with that type of person. Certainly nowhere near as hard as most would have us believe.

  • dontchasethem

    I forwarded this to my ex. this was so on point.

  • Bea

    Not a big fan of this one. Did an ex recently get engaged? Are you taking it hard?

  • http://satcpsychology.wordpress.com Vivienne

    This was very intriguing…very interesting. I loved it in a bittersweet way. It makes me wonder, if you recognize all this stuff, why didn’t you keep your girl? Just wondering… :)

  • Rita

    This post reminds me that I need to make sure the next man I get with is better than my last! I think some women forget that!

  • IceQueen

    @Beautifully Complex
    I agree this is so true. Many men complain that all they meet is insecure paranoid women. But how the hell did she get like that….

    Could be a case of you reap what you sow. If you going to go around and treat women like rubbish she then accumulates said baggage don’t then expect to meet a woman completely baggage free!

  • http://www.dobox.com/ Bruce

    @kdot.

    Agreed. I’m a hodge-podge mix of all my experiences. And even at that, I don’t have to allow them to define me, act them out, or even dwell on them at all, truth told. We are all our own special type of “crazy.” Relationships work when you understand what type of person you’re dealing, whether you WANT to deal with that type of person, and exactly HOW to deal with that type of person. Certainly nowhere near as hard as most would have us believe.

  • realitychk

    I don’t think the intention of this post was to abdicate women of responsibility for their actions. In the end, we are all accountable for our own behaviour. And jozen’s owning up to his. It may be a bit cheeky, but I don’t think it’s arrogant. It’s fair to conclude that each experience we have shapes and affects us – sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad. Hopefully, we sort it out along the way.

    I think it’s mature and insightful to acknowledge that guys can have a direct hand in the reactionary moments of “craziness” their gf unleashes (if he doesn’t treat her properly) AND that it’s correlated to how much she loves him (“treats you like a king”).

    I’m sure many relationships could be saved if men could ‘see’, understand and appreciate their women while they’re together instead of in hindsight. Lucky for the next girl.

  • k_dot

    @realitychk
    The problem with all that is that guys DON’T have a direct hand in anyone’s “reactionary moments of craziness” anymore than women have on men. By this argument, if a woman does something that hurts a man’s feelings and he hauls off and slaps her, well, she had a hand in that, right?

    Wrong. It’s called self-control. Some things you don’t do, and if you do them, you’ve no one to blame but yourself. It’s really that simple. So while I can and should take responsibility for anything I may have done to hurt a woman, I don’t, shouldn’t and won’t take responsibility for her actions after she’s hurt. That’s all about what kind of woman she is.

    What would “save” many relationships is less blaming on both parts and more acting like responsible adults, which is to say that not just men, but women too need to appreciate their partners while together. That’s hard, if not impossible, to do when all you want is the other person to be more wrong than you are.

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    After reading a couple of the angry comments from guys I had to re-read this post. And yeah, I get why this would tick the new man off. This…right here….is why men never want you to be friends with your ex. No ladies, this is why you shouldn’t be friends with your ex. This is exactly what your ex is probably thinking as you run to him for relationship advice. And if the tables were turned…it would tick me the hell off too my man’s ex said this to me. But that doesn’t make it any less true.

  • http://pastthevelvetrope.wordpress.com mimi

    If I could stand up at my desk and clap…. omg, I would!!!! I felt like this was about me! lmao!!! Best post I’ve read on here.

    and now.. I have to show all of my girls. :)

  • http://pastthevelvetrope.wordpress.com mimi

    Damn… I would read all of the comments disecting this post… but they’ll only ruin my smile. LOL!

  • Nicki

    @K_dot

    I don’t believe you understand what “crazy” entails. Of course, people must have self control – surely Jozen wasn’t talking about his ex slashing tires and sh*t – but if a woman has been in a relationship where the man was dishonest and/or selfish and this next guy is displaying tendencies that remind her of that (i.e., giving her ‘flashbacks’) then she’s going to come off “crazy” to him when she questions him or gets upset when he does selfish or shady things. It’s like a solider who comes home from war – sometimes sudden, loud noises or crowded places give them flashbacks of painful experiences… you can’t fault folks for that!

  • k_dot

    @Nicki
    Actually I know exactly what Jozen meant by crazy. He’s talking about destructive, negative, reactive behaviors, and he listed several of them:

    “Things like, going through your phone while you’re in the shower just because it’s unlocked, or going off on you just because you went out with your friends and didn’t call when you said you were going to call.”

    You absolutely can fault people who engage in that kind of behavior because it’s their choice to do so. Nobody holds a gun to a woman’s head and forces her to check someone ‘s cell phone. She has total free will over whether or not she does that, no matter how angry or hurt she is at the time. No one gives you a drug that forces you to spaz out when you don’t get a phone call that you expected. You might be hurt, and yes, he should have called you when he said he would but kicking up dust, screaming, cursing and generally throwing a tantrum? That’s all you. Own it.

    And don’t expect the next guy to be keen on taking Jozen’s advice. Nobody has the right to bring their crazy into another person’s life and most men won’t (and shouldn’t) put up with it. Deal with your hurts and your problems BEFORE you push them onto someone else. That’s what adults do.

  • BabyImAStar

    @ k-dot.
    You are definitely on point and I really do co-sign. As it has been stated, we are affected in one way or another, big or small by our past relationships. I think the mature thing to do when a relationship ends, is to take a moment, reflect on where it all fell down, what hand we may have played in the demise of the relationship, asses how we can be better in the future, take what you need from the situation, and leave the rest behind.

  • Sunshine

    women aren’t crazy and neither are your exes. They would be crazy if they did those things and had no reason to…. You are clearly stating that you caused those actions therefore they aren’t crazy. I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks and realize your an arogant asshole. Lame.