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The Six Signs We’re Catching Feelings For Our Booty Call

A few months ago, I wrote a piece for ESSENCE about casual sex relationships. I believe the piece was entitled, “The Truth About Jump-Offs” and to say it was controversial would be an understatement. I believe I wrote the piece in September or October, and to this day, people still ask me if they can read it (it was taken down two days after it posted due to its controversy) or if I still have a copy.

Now, I’m not going to re-write or re-publish it here, but I do remember the point of contention for many was how the article outlined a plan of sorts to keep people in that casual sex relationship box. Underlining that point was an effort to debunk the myth that a casual sex relationship is a rootless, baseless situation that gets two people nowhere.

If anyone has enough experience under their belt in the world of serious relationships and casual relationships, they have seen the line get murky, slowly recognizing they’re catching feelings. Speaking honestly, this has happened to me on a couple of occasions.. It happens to the best of us. That being said, here are six (instead of the usual five) signs it could be happening to you.

SHE SPENDS THE NIGHT DURING THAT TIME OF MONTH

Let’s face it, casual sex is about the sex. That’s always the first order of the day. So if a man calls in his request and finds out she’s not available to do such things, but decides to let her stick around or come over anyway, the message is clear: He likes her beyond the bedroom.

THEY WON’T ALLOW FOR SHARING

I have a thing I like to call the feelings test. I occasionally give it to men who love to claim they’re not tripping over a certain girl, mainly because I really hate it when any of my best friends (who I feel are like brothers to me) lie to me about how they’re feeling. With me, keep it square biz.

To determine how straight they’re playing it, I will ask them if they mind if I too can take a shot at this woman with whom they claim to only have a sex thing.  If the question even slightly bothers them, I know there’s something they’re not telling me. If they gave me the nod of approval and said, “Sure”, I know they mean it when they say the girl is no one they’re taking serious.

YOU REMEMBER THEIR BIRTHDAY

From a friend of mine who I overheard wishing a happy birthday to the girl he claimed he was just messing with.

Damn, dog, how’d you remember her birthday? No, don’t blame Facebook. Be real, you like her. No? Then how’d you remember her birthday? You sent her a text at midnight, didn’t you? Then you called her in the morning and sang an excerpt from the birthday song. And she’s your what again? Your booty call? Huh uh. Well, tell her I said Happy Birthday too, then let me see your hands. I want to wear the glove you’re catching feelings with.

By the way, no birthday sex for the casual sex buddy. Birthday sex is relationship sex.

WE CALL TO SEE HOW THEY’RE DOING AND THAT’S ALL

If we ever hit someone up in the middle of the day to see how they’re doing, we might as well call them up to see if they’re available on date night. This keeping tabs on a person is reserved for serious relationships only, and the minute we start applying it to what is supposed to be a casual sex situation we’re saying more about our feelings than we might care to admit. This is especially true if we call them on their work line. Why in the hell do we have the work number of our booty call?

THIS ARGUMENT IS NOT ABOUT SEX AT ALL, IT’S ABOUT US

Whenever a disagreement between two people transcends the bedroom and crosses over into more mainstream places like the kitchen (“Quit eating all my food”) or the living room (“I don’t want to watch this show. I hate it and you know it), it’s a tell-tale sign the dynamics of the situation are shifting into a monogamous zone. At this point, they’re either going to keep the arguments in the bedroom (“It was your turn to buy the condoms!”) or more domestic places like the bathroom (“What’d I tell you about the toilet seat being left up?”). In either arrangement, arguments or disagreements will occur, the question is, what do we want them to be about.

THE THOUGHT OF THEM WITH THEIR CLOTHES ON MAKES US SMILE

What are these pure, innocent thoughts we speak of? Someone in their work clothes, not turning us on, but making us happy at the mere thought of them? Uh oh. This is not going as planned. In a real casual sex relationship, we wouldn’t even know what someone looks like in their work clothes, let alone think about the person in them.

WHEN WE FANTASIZE ABOUT THEM, THERE’S CANDLELIGHT INVOLVED

The comedian Louis C.K. has a hilarious joke about getting caught by his wife masturbating. When she presses him to tell her what he thinks about, and asks if he thinks about her, he replies, “It’s my MIND. I can take this anywhere I want.” The implication being why would he imagine or fantasize about something he has in real life?

Well, take this concept and flip it. If we can go anywhere in our heads, and we choose to go to the person we’ve been calling at 12 a.m. for the past four weeks, and to top it off, in our imagination, sweet, passionate love is being made with candles all around us,  what are we saying? We’re saying there’s something more. So now the question becomes, what are we going to do? Light some candles in real life or move on to the next one?

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  • http://alana-supperclub.blogspot.com Alana

    Ohh I just loved this hilarious,candid and entertaining!

  • Netreia

    Yup! I think you nailed it today!

  • Lilie

    I think you should start writing about more than just sex. Seriously… I’d like to know what else you have to say about the rest of what goes on in a day. When you make something like this your career, how the hell do you expect to find someone special without overanalyzing everything about them, then write about the experience later? As far as I’m concerned, even though you’re not using their name, you are still putting them on blast. I believe that says a lot about you. Now this also goes for any other author too, or singer, or artist who choose their subjects based on an industry that revolves around sex… But you’re not backing up what you say with a beat, or an image. It’s just so blatant… When I read your blog, you make some good points about things most people already know and have experienced, you school them on how not to make the same mistakes by giving them examples of your own. I love men and how silly they can be; uninhibited, clumsy, funny, and beautiful. I am overjoyed to have one love me, and truly feel it. But almost every time I read your blog, some part of me feels hatred and disgust. You are a brilliant writer Jozen, and I respect you for that. But only that.

  • **inquiring mind**

    I’m talkin square biz to ya BAY-BAY (square square biz)
    I’m talkin love, that is
    Square biz, Square biz, Square biz, SQUARE BIZZZZZZZZ!

    I love that song… Anyway, Silent Scorpio has an EXCELLENT post/example of how to handle “the call of the booty”… basically, jumpoffs should ONLY and I mean ONLY, be people who are aesthetically appealing but mentally poo-poo heads…Every time they open their mouths you just wanna punch them in it… you know, the just sit and be pretty type- yeah them.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @Lilie
    Lillie, Jozen makes me want to vomit in my mouth as well at times… but don’t you think you’re being a little harsh. I mean, I found this post so refreshing- who the heyll can take “mushy mushy mushy” every. freakin. day. ERRRRLLLLLL I mean, did you miss the ENTIRE week devoted to love sonnets and hiakus about love and love lost (I think it was raining in NY- and the WORLD that week)- in the end, I wanted to hang myself. Anyway, you’re being a little harsh… a lil.

  • Theryl

    That new job got u on FIYAH, Mr. Cummings! Excellent post!

  • http://facebook.com/yesip621 Yesi Jukebox

    Thanks for educating me on casual sex relationships..I don’t think I am cut out for them.

  • goalawal

    “Untiligetmarried.com is a blog written by Jozen about Jozen and his journey through the ups and downs of bachelorhood” —– I didn’t make that up, If you click the About Jozen tab it will say just what you read. I appreciate your post and this was a good one. You give a brutally honest perspective on the way things are and NOT necessarily the way it ought to be and that seems like a bitter pill for many to swallow.

    Keep up the good work and we all should remember that Christians falter in the faith, philosopher in their wisdom and every politician out there who is prolly banging someones little sister working as an intern.

    All that to say i learn more than just Sex on this blog.. i have learned about life, myself, how to treat and not treat a woman and even have been inspired to call my figure head father due to your blogpost.

    Thanks you for your service and i will definitely buy that book as payment for all the enjoyable reads i have had thus far.

  • http://facebook.com/yesip621 Yesi Jukebox

    @**inquiring mind** I completely agree with you about Lilie.. Jozen writes about a lot of different dating topics, I don’t feel like he discusses sex too much, just like you I sometimes get annoyed when he gets too romantic and mushy lol

  • Cyt_grl

    @Lilian.. If you think all he writes about is sex, then you clearly don’t read his posts that often.

  • Jess

    “Birthday sex is not for the casual sex buddy. Birthday sex is relationship sex”

    I know you don’t comment on reader’s comments but I would love to hear the reasoning behind this. Great post!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14609144495895919568 sunkissed404

    @Lilie
    Calmese chica, Calmese (spanish)..Anyway, I can see some of what you are saying. For a minute there, your comment sounded like it was about to expose that u guys have had past relations or somethin’. Some of what he says in his post speaks to me…cuz I’m guilty. But, I laugh it off cuz I and learn from my mistakes.

    This post brings back memories to when I was like 22. I tried the whole casual sex with this guy who I knew I liked and he liked me. It got sooo complicated because we worked together too. He would get an attitude when I didn’t want to hang out with him, cook for me, call me with random convo…All lat, all lat… But whenever I would question him about what the heck we were doing, it would be “just chillin”. (I’m thinking bro’man in my head, from Martin–>Bruh man, 5th floor, just chillin’) *rolling eyes* Anyways, I was n over my head and so was he, cuz we both wanted more, but I was the only one willing to admit it. 5 years later, he still tryna keep up wit me too see how I’m doin. Too much.

  • afro

    you hit the nail on the head! great post as usual!

  • Sunni B

    I guess you can’t please everyone, but you please me! I love this post!

  • http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ MadScientist7

    good post. you pretty much said it all. i’ve been guilty of more than one of these. i’ll leave out which ones though.

  • BoomShots

    I think that why they call it casual sex because there is no intimacy beyond sex. Remembering birthdays, spending time, candlelight, non-sexual fantasies, etc,. are all about being intimate. the Essence post probably got a lot of flak because most women I know, even those who engage in FWB relationships probably don’t view themselves in casual sexual relationships. It just seems they are not equipped to process those interractions that way.

    In my experience the occasions on which those opportunities have presented themselves all the women wanted more than a physical relationship. On some occasions I accepted and in others I declined, teh older i have gotten the more I have declined.

    I am certain there are women out here who can be as casual as come men are in their sexual relationships but I must confess I don’t know too many. I have been the beneficiary of those who have tried but generally its ended not in the best ways. As humans we are not generally able to share something as intimate as sex with another person often without having some attachment. That would explain why so often johns start having a thing for their prostitutes, even though they are paying.

  • goalawal

    @jess ask jozen your question in his form spring
    @boom shots don’t quote me exactly on this but i know i have read somewhere in the bible where once you have sex with some1, it says a part of you or your soul stays with them. .

  • Starita34

    Dang prostitutes got johns falling in love with them and I’m still single?? *smh* What’s the world coming to? 😉

    Um, what’s with the haters? If ya don’t like a certain site, stop visiting it…don’t need ya #JamieFoxx

    Jozen, great post. Entertaining, not at all true to my life, but I can appreciate that it’s true for your life. If ONLY those small things meant that he wanted to be with me…unfortunately I’ve come to realize that if a man wanted to be with you, he would be. Point blank. I’m through deciphering his actions as anything more than he’s a sweet, caring guy that enjoys my company. Still like I said, very entertaining. And congrats on the new gig 🙂

  • Ru’a’Lu

    My, perhaps irrational, fear that your new job (Congrats btw!) would cause you to post less have been (temporarily, until tomorrows post!) alleviated. Good post Jozen.

  • http://pastthevelvetrope.wordpress.com mimi

    this was super funny!

  • http://www.divaindemand.com Diva (in Demand)

    Okay it was hilarious…but everything you said made so much sense! LOL

  • http://kuhvet.com The World Famous BP

    Lol, very candid. I don’t agree with the homie smashing the Jump off thing though. I don’t believe any grown man wants to share a female with his homeboy. Too close for comfort even if the relationship with the girl is strictly physical.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @The World Famous BP
    I don’t believe any grown man wants to share a female with his homeboy.

    Not even if y’all not cuttin anymore? You know, you’re trash/his treasure?

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    @Jess

    If you want my opinon, most people want to have sex on their birthday. But as the person who’s birthday it is NOT, you shouldn’t be so concerned about making sure your jumpoffs bday is a good one. But if they call you bc they want to be broken off on their day, I don’t see anything wrong with that. So for them, its a birthday celebration, for you its just another day…

  • Top5WitnessProtection

    @alana – agreed….

    Interesting take Jozen…

    i agree with about 95%

    Guys do not look for relationships, we fall into them. All guys have been in this situation. a girl you are just messing with, and one day you are lying bed with her and you realize damn, I am catching feelings for her… It happens to us all…

  • http://www.neonfix.com Massive

    Very well thought out and entertaining entry . . . but as a side note, you should realize if the perspective turns 180 degrees to a female standpoint, she too would realize herself falling for her (place a # here other than 1) night stand if i.e: she comes over to his house (already conditioned to jump off, by prior sexual encounters staring and ending in just that) aware tampons would be the only thing “getting up in that”.

  • http://www.physicianassistantsite.com/ physician assistant

    This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I enjoy seeing websites that understand the value of providing a prime resource for free. I truly loved reading your post. Thanks!

  • BrwnButterfly

    Once again another great post. It’s funny that you mentioned The Truth About Jumpoffs because that is the first time I read your work and I instantly loved it. (Can we get a copy, lol) Anyways this reminds me of a quote that I once heard, “Men look for sex and find love while women look for love and find sex.” Great post Jozen.

  • carol park

    this is by far the most entertaining posts I have read… I adore this hahah