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There’s Running Into Your Ex and Then There’s This…

When you called me a few weeks ago to tell me you were having a baby, I have to admit, my heart plunged straight into my stomach and I felt every inch of its downward spiral. I believed you from the moment you told me. There wasn’t a shadow of doubt this was real, the news you were sharing with me, and though “Congratulations” weren’t the first words out of my mouth, you were patient with my stutters.

We then talked for an hour about everything that had to do with my new life and your new life. You even playfully suggested I was going to write about the phone call on this blog, but I didn’t. And now, while the details of our conversation still aren’t for public consumption, I will say this: Thank you for that phone call back in May.

If it wasn’t for your foresight to share the news you were expecting, who knows what would’ve happened when I saw you on Saturday?

You came out of nowhere, on 7th Ave, walking in all black everything and your hair worn up like a crown. Your friend was there too, and I think had it not been for her, the chance encounter might have been more emotional, but feelings were kept in check.

For so long I wondered what the moment would feel like. What would I do? What would I say? How would I say it? Then you called me in May, told me you were pregnant, and all those questions about how running into you would play out were replaced by one question: Would I be able to handle the sight of seeing you pregnant?

Well, the question was answered and I think I handled it quite well. Awkward for only a moment, then normal for the rest. It was nothing like I expected it to be. I mean, you really are pregnant. You’re showing, and you carry small (just like you told me over the phone), but man, you’re pregnant with another man’s child and not mine, which is weird when you think about how we used to have conversations about what we were going to name our child.

But those are conversations everyone has with someone they swear they’re going to be with for the rest of their life. So I wasn’t looking at you on Saturday, thinking of our past, and crying foul. There is no harm, so now there is no foul. What exists is the reality things have forever and permanently changed between us, and had it not been for your call to tell me you changed in this huge dramatic life altering way, my knees might have buckled at the sight of you.

Instead, they kept moving forward.

Moving on is always easier said than done. People always told me I still wasn’t over you and I thought they had it twisted, but I didnt know if I was right when I told them they were wrong.

How did I really feel about you? How did you really feel about me? Did you miss me? How much did I miss you? My feelings toward you were a mess of things punctuated by a question mark. And it was the damn question mark driving me crazy. It was the damn question mark that had me convinced I had to see you one more time to figure out the answer to all these questions. Sure I missed you but how much and how bad?

Well, I saw you. You looked good; as beautiful pregnant as I always, always imagined you would. And I felt nothing but good standing there in the hot sun talking to you for a few minutes, but I felt even better as I walked away.

When our lives change forever, we so rarely get to identify the specific moment it happened. Most of the time, such moments pass by without our knowing, and we just wake up one day to see everything around us is different than it used to be. But I am fortunate enough to move on fully aware of the exact moment everything changed. It was this past Saturday.

Before we parted ways, I asked where you were headed, and you said it was to this park in Brooklyn,  coincidentally the same park I was headed to. We both laughed then jokingly said, “Oh no.” Was I really going to run into you twice in one day after not seeing you one time within the last year? Well, it turns out we didn’t, which is fine because as Saturday proved, we’re ready to run into each other for the rest of our lives. There’s no question about it.

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  • Naio

    4 years Ago I was the pregnant unlike in the story my ex contacted me because of the rumers he had heard. The cracking in his voice when i confirmed, i will never forget. We had been together for 5 yrs & while on a brake i started dating , 8-10 months down the line i was pregnant. I had never had an abortion before and wasn’t going to have one then. For almost 2 1/2 yrs every time i looked at my daughter i would think of him I was still very much in love with him but had another mans child. I don’t regret my decision in having her she was the best thing I never knew i needed..But at times it comes to mind and can’t help but wonder what would have been?

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  • Jess

    I read this post back about 6 months agao. But it didn’t have meaning until now. My ex is married…after he proposed to me two months earlier(long story…basically forced due to family). I’m pretty sure I died. Fast forward to 4 months after the wedding. Just as I was getting over everything. I find out his w-word (can’t bring myself to give her that title yet) is pregnant. I’m pretty sure I died again. I know exactly how you felt and I can invision everything so well when you write. I like reading all your post put ones like these that pertain to MY life or bring out some type of feeling I read over and over. It forces me to deal with my issue and take it for what it is. Thanks Jozen…always therapeutic.