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Just Because I Want To Sleep With You, Doesn’t Mean I’m Disrespectful

June 22nd, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post entitled, “The Ultimate Compliment”. In it, I attempted to make a case for sex being the highest form of praise one person can give to another. Far as I’m concerned, if someone digs me so much they actually want to see and feel me without any clothes on, than they must really, really dig me. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the simple comment about my topwear (“Nice hat”) but will she take me home in the hat? No? Then she only means it so much, but I digress…

I realize my hypothesis above is a bit of a stretch. Sometimes sex isn’t a compliment at all, but maybe an act of obligation or even an act of redemption. Each encounter must be evaluated (if we want to  bother with such things) in context because sex is a lot of things. But I know what it isn’t. Sex, as far as I’m concerned, is never disrespectful. Nor is my desire to want to have sex with a woman disrespectful.

For longtime readers, bare with me if you feel like I’m repeating myself. I probably am, but I’m sorry, some women still seem to think just because all I want to do is have sex with them, it means I don’t respect all the other great things they offer. And frankly, that’s not even remotely the case.. I just don’t care about what else they have to offer at the time I want to have sex with them.

If there’s one thing I hate is when a woman with whom I express a desire to have sex paints me as someone who doesn’t respect her in full or looks at me as being not being respectful of a friendship. To me, this is not only one of the most off-base things a woman can think, it’s a perfect example of how some (please notice I said some) women have a tendency to misinterpret the actions of men.

There are three type of women I know. There are the women I have slept with and will more than likely sleep with again or probably already have. There are the women I haven’t slept with yet, but given the right opportunity I most definitely would. And there are the women who I have never thought about sleeping with at all and would twist my nose up at the mere thought of such a thing, let alone even try.

Now that we have that out of the way, let me tell all you women out there which group you don’t want to be in. I’ll let you guess no I won’t, THE LAST ONE.

I mean, come on. Even if the woman has no desire to sleep with me at all, why would she want me to put her in the same category I put family in, especially when she isn’t family? As I have said before, just because a man can have a hour long conversation with a woman about non-sexual things doesn’t mean he respects her mind anymore than the man who makes his sexual desires clear from the beginning. Trust me, I adore a woman who graduated from college magma cum laude, but I also want to take those ropes they give out to all magma cum laude members and tie her up in them. How is any of that disrespectful? Maybe if I start telling women they can replace their lingerie with a whole bunch of paraphernalia they bought from their college bookstore, they would understand I like their mind, but right now “mind” isn’t on my menu and if it is, take it off! Tonight, I want the body for the entree and if there is room afterward, the “mind” for dessert (excuse the food analogy, I’m writing hungry.)

The only thing the man who doesn’t want to sleep with a woman and never expresses a desire to is respecting is the woman’s feelings because he’s holding back the real reason he isn’t making a move, which is this: He doesn’t find her attractive. And if that is disrespectful, I apologize, but someone had to say it.

Some (again, please notice I said some, not all) women don’t have a convoluted sense of self so much as they have a convoluted sense of men. If the cute, sexy friend she has isn’t taking advantage of their friendship by making a move, she thinks something is wrong with him, like, you know, he’s gay. If the okay looking, but very smart and funny friend does take advantage of their friendship by making a pass or two at her, there’s something wrong with him too, like, you know, he’s disrespectful just like all those other guys. And she can’t believe he would do such a thing.

Well, she needs to start believing such things and stop believing a guy is just like all the other guys just because he wants to stretch the definition of friendship.

He’s not like all the other guys out there because not all the other guys out there want her, case in point: Her cute, sexy friend who probably needs a platonic female friend with whom he can talk about other females he does want to get with. Both men — the man who won’t make a move and the man who will — have the same level of respect for a woman, it’s just one wants to do a little bit more than the otherl, and if I were her, I’d give that friend way more credit. After all, he means no disrespect.

Categories: c-section, dating, guys, on something, s#x, women Tags:
  • http://metanotherfrog.com Sam Sharpe

    Amen. Though I read this blog regularly, I very rarely leave a comment. In this case I could not resist. I think you’re so on point with this post that I’m not sure much else needs to be said…but…Amen.

  • HoneyMoney

    I think in some cases it can easily be taken as disrespect when the woman is trying to communicate something else even if the guy is not trying to be disrespectful. I think its all a matter of miscommunication.

  • Theryl

    Disrespect isn’t just about the particular advance, because women are often very flattered by men wanting to “take it there”. But will u call me the next day at 8:43am as you’ve done for the last 2 weeks or will you disappear? Will you continue to take me out in public and actually have dates, or will this become a Blocbuster Relationship? These are the thing that run thru our minds when sex is put on the table. Sex changes the dynamic of the relationship. Good or bad, it changes. And if I really like you, I don’t want to risk all that on something we can do after we figure out where this is going. So while the proposition may not be disrespectful in tone or delivery, the thought of losing what we have already, scares the shit out of us!!!!

  • Demi

    @Theryl

    Totally agree with you, Theryl. I think Jozen makes a very valid point, but ya’ll (I’m Texan, excuse me lol) have to understand that the act of sex brings some crazy things out of women, even when we don’t want it to. For men, the act can be strictly physical. For women, though, strings we never EVER thought could exist almost always start to show. And once that happens, we don’t want you to want us just for the sex anymore. We want more. Women always want more! And it’s just as Theryl said. Sometimes, unfortunately, once we’ve done the do, we get the exact opposite of what we want. And that’s the guy disappearing.

    I think both men and women need to work a little harder to understand each other on this one. Good post!

  • **inquiring mind**

    O_O… wait a minute. How do you go from yesterday’s post to this?

    Anway, it’s clear most men (if you’re a fairly attractive woman, with a decent attitude) are gonna try to sleep with you… we ALL know that. And this is coming from a very very honest place guys (tho I may be preaching to the choir considering “99% of Jozen’s readers wear high heels” word to Cannibus, anyway)… while I get the whole you wanting to sleep with us thing as a compliment, it’s the point in which you decide to act on that emotion that bothers us (me anyway)… CONTROL YOURSELF MAN! We’ll let you know if we’re ready to go there. Most of us that have been anywhere can tell when a man is sexually aroused by our soft skin and sweet perfume, our long lashes and bright smiles, our tight… we know what you want Jozen! But, we don’t want to hear you say it until we ask for you to say it. SMH- Men just don’t get it (no pun).

  • **inquiring mind**

    @**inquiring mind** Sorweeee Canibus… I hate spelling names wrong #asyouwere.

  • http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ MadScientist7

    i agree. the only thing is just because i want to sleep with a woman, it doesn’t mean that i have to make my intentions known or even act on them at all. there are plenty of women who i’ve known for years that i would definitely sleep with but they would NEVER know. i think it’s more of an issue of self control.

    and if i was to try to act upon my intentions i would be a little more subtle and have a more tact. not saying that you don’t.

  • Sunkissed404

    @**inquiring mind**
    Ahaa! I love it!..@ Men just don’t get it..
    Anyways, I find it flattering and uncomfortable..all at the same time, when I meet men who can’t get past the physical and at least try to understand my mental. For some of us, sex does not feel as pleasurable unless we have connected mentally and spiritually as well… Therefore, any man expecting me to go there with him is looking for a “jump-off”, and that’s an insult…I’m sorry,but this is how people who think like me see it.

    Like Theryl said, there are some men who go out of the way t o get it..call you daily for the next few weeks, entertain you and your friends, get the cookies, and all the attention stops… That’s an insult. You know better than to be tryna twist the game up on us Jozen..(sideye).

  • http://kimberleystanford@ymail.com Kimberley

    OMG, now i must apologize 2 my best guy “girlfriend”.

  • Scout

    sunkissed hit the nail on the head. It’s clear that Jozen doesn’t understand women, not the other way around, ;) Nice try though.

  • HoneyMoney

    @Theryl @Demi totally cosigning with you!

    p.s. Jozen, for some reason at the Roots show last night I thought…”I bet that guy Jozen is at this show”. and confirmed via your twitter!

  • http://www.teaandsuch.blogspot.com Tea

    I’m loving the comments today. Wanting to sleep with me is not disrespectful. Hitting me up via text at 2 a.m. talking about “what’s good” when you know I have to go to work in the morning AND you know I’ve already told you it’s not going down because you are in the “friend box” is disrespectful. Never would one of my girl’s hit me up repeatedly asking me to do stuff I don’t want to do. If I tell her I don’t want to go bungee jumping that’s wtf I mean and if she hits me at 2 a.m. talking about let’s going bungee jumping she’s going to get cussed out just like my male “friend” who wants to have sex with me. Same concept, same consequences. LOL!

  • Nadira Rae

    ‘I just don’t care about what else they have to offer at the time I want to have sex with them’ LOL. That is some real honest shit right there (gotta respect that). I definitely agree (and understand) where most of the ladies are coming from with their replies, because sex does change the dynamics of a friendship/ relationship. If people’s intentions were clear from the start, it would prevent alot of problems, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. Trust me, women want sex just as much men (well, some lol).

  • Demi

    @Tea

    LOL @ “what’s good” at 2 in the morning! Why do they always do this?!? What do you MEAN what’s good? My sleep ’til u woke me up on some booty call ish! Ah, men :) .

  • B

    my two cents:

    it all boils down to casual sex vs. relationship sex. most men would rather par-take in casual sex; while most women would prefer relationship sex. women think emotionally when it come to sex and men think of sex as an act. this is a classic case of how men and women think differently.

    bottom line:

    no sex before marriage

  • Kim

    @ Tea @ Demi

    LOL..so true
    The 3 a.m. txts: “what’s good?” “what you on?” “i’m in your neighborhood”
    The daytime txts: “you wanna hang later” “you wanna link up” (in which you give a reasonable time that they can come by to chill, only for that time to come and go til they hit you up around MIDNIGHT asking if its too late)…Yes..it is..and if you wake me up again with this mess, after I already told you your expectations will not be fulfilled..I’m not going to be nice. ;)

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    @Demi
    I also agree with Theryl. NO GIRL WANTS A BLOCKBUSTER RELATIONSHIP. Nothing makes u feel like all you were worth was sex when a guy stops trying after he gets just that. He doesn;t even show desire for more?

    But its not just girls that have strings. If you have never noticed the strings that guys develop after sex its because you were to quick to worry about your own strings. Although they may not want to be exclusive, they almost always want YOU to be exclusive and can’t stand the thought of u giving it up to someone else. My friend and I coined this the P____ Padlock (you fill in the blank). They always want to padlock it once they get it, and if you’re not down for that, there must be something wrong with YOU.

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    And let me add…its not even that a girl doesn’t mind exclusively sleeping with him, but he doesn’t need to know that!

  • http://thatbitchstolemyline.com B. Collins

    “I just don’t care about what else they have to offer at the time I want to have sex with them.”

    And you wonder why it’s viewed as offhanded? When you ask a woman for sex, especially a woman with whom you actually DO respect, that respect is veiled while your true intentions come to the surface. It’s hurtful to be reduced down to that and that alone-or to feel that way. And you don’t get to decide someone’s feelings. You can say you didn’t have negative intentions, but you cannot say how it makes someone else feel. They’re in charge of their own feelings. Just have a little sensitivity-see both sides of the coin-when you’re out their asking girls to sleep with you.

  • BoomShots

    I think you all need to chalk it up to one man’s opinion. Jozen is still a young man making that journey and as it traverses the road of life he attempts to deal with the diffirent twists and turns he encounters. As men we all go through a phase where we wish we could sleep with every woman we found desirable, the writer is trying to rationalize it around his own moral values.

    Truth is the best way to draw any man’s attention to how women should be treated sexually is to ask that man if the same is true for his Mom’s, his sister(s) or his daughter(s). After he gets over wanting to kick your ass then he will take a step back and determine the obvious flaws in his thought.

    You go long enough on the single scene and you will undoubtedly encounter women who are open to sleeping with men as men are to sleeping with them. Not too many men I know respect these women. They categorize them in the same group as strippers and porn actresses, good enough for fun times but no one with whom they want to have a serious relationship. Because not too many can take the prospect of other men boasting about the sexual liberties they have taken with their woman. At the end of the day both men and women are socialized with the same sexual mores that puts more value on a woman’s virtue than her mind.

  • Sunkissed404

    @BoomShots
    Okay, okay…we get it. This is Jozen’s blog and therefore his opinion…Point taken. However, his viewpoints and thoughts are much like those of many other men his age..with some slight aberrations.

    Just like you stated “As men we all go through a phase where we wish we could sleep with every woman we found desirable”.

    Well, as women, “We go through a phase where we wish men did not wish they could sleep with every woman they found desirable”…

    I have been approached by men and told I was either pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, or all of these (Not tooting my own horn…I’m about to make my point). Out of all of these titles, the one I dislike the most is being called sexy…because the connotation seems to be quite different (in my mind) than being called pretty or beautiful…See what I’m sayin”?

  • Demi

    @MissMina

    LOL! I am so adding that phrase to my vocabulary. I have seen it entirely too many times and still have no clue how to explain it! So, what you’re telling me is: (1) we’re only gonna have a sexual relationship; (2) I don’t get to call you when I want, but you can call me whenever you feel like it; oh, and (3) I don’t get to talk to anybody else but you, even though you’re messing with 2-3 other women. And will be dead serious about it, too! Too too funny :) .

    @Boomshots we’re not picking on Jozen. Seriously, we wouldn’t keep coming back if we didn’t love hearing his perspective on how the male mind works. It’s just sometimes it’s good to hear a woman’s thoughts on a certain issue, too.

  • **inquiring mind**

    “it’s good to hear a woman’s thoughts on a certain issue, too.”

    I guess that depends on who you’re talking to… lol

  • http://ponytailtostiletto.blogspot.com Nicky

    All the more reason to keep my kitty-kat on lock down. Thank you!

  • What Lola Wants…

    “I just don’t care about what else they have to offer at the time I want to have sex with them.”

    Now, assuming that a woman has made it clear that she is not interested in being someone’s “jump-off” or “bust-down” (because if she was down for the cause, we really wouldn’t need to have this conversation, right?):

    Is the MERE DESIRE to have sex with this woman, who you could give two shits about, disrespectful? No. Nothing wrong with having hopes and dreams, right?

    Is the ACTIVE PURSUIT of having sex with this woman, who you could give two shits about, disrespectful? Hell to the yes! Why? Remember, she made it clear that she is not interested in simply being a sexual conquest so like, try not to be a dick (pun intended), man up, and exercise some self-control and integrity, ok? Otherwise, you’re just trying to use her….it’s that simple and pretty damn hard to misinterpret.

    And what’s up with the comparison between Mr. Cute-and-Sexy-But-Uninterested-Friend and Mr. I-Could-Give-a-Damn-But-Your-Body-is-Right?

    You compare the two as though the one who just wants to use a woman physically should somehow be viewed more favorably and should get credit on GP because he finds her attractive (and Friend doesn’t) … Really? Is a woman supposed to jump up and down and be flattered simply because a guy finds her attractive and wants to hit? And anyway, why should I, as a woman, take issue with the fact that a guy isn’t attracted to me? That’s not a bad thing. Like you said, not every guy is going to want you and there’s nothing wrong with that….but what IS wrong is a guy trying to take advantage…. so as long as Mr. Uninterested isn’t trying to take advantage of a situation (assuming his female friend likes him, b/c we all know men who will sleep with a woman, interested or not, simply b/c he know he can), he gets an A.

  • http://womanofcolor.wordpress.com brownivyx

    Thought this post was hilarious and entertaining as usual, but I can’t *quite* agree with you on this.

    I’m not sure if disrespect is the right word, per se, but it’s not necessarily the right thing to do either. To be fair, I’m not just talking about the sex thing. But how is what you’re describing above any different from a girl who dates an athlete for his millions, not the fact that he has a PHD or gives back to his community? A boy who only dates a woman of a certain ethnicity, even though she’s a loving and nurturing woman? Yeah, their choices have great *extras* but at least he’s got bank and she’s a blonde right? I don’t think its all that cool to just suss out small parts of any human being and ignore the rest. It’s…dehumanizing, a bit…maybe not so much in small doses, but over time can be damaging. It’s the sort of thing that convinces young girls that sex appeal is their most powerful currency, that boys their machismo/masculinity is so. I like to think (and I may be wrong) that many people want to be seen as the sum of all their parts, as wholes (the 12 year old in me just giggled). I like to think (and on this too I may be wrong) that people are capable of viewing others in totality. It’s a working hypothesis.

    Also, as a woman, let me just say…I would LOVE LOVE to have a male, heterosexual friend who didn’t want/try to sleep with me. I think this is impossible for almost any woman. I have tried and failed for the past 15 years. Sex (read: liquor, feelings, male id/ego, poker, other dudes) ALWAYS gets in the way (no Harry & Sally). And sure there are acquaintances who don’t seem interested like that, but these guys still always have that ambiguous “right lighting, wrong drink” way about them that makes them impossible to trust enough to forge real friendships. Why do you think women like having gay male friends? Yeah, if he was Idris Elba hot, I’d be a bit salty and disappointed that he wasn’t attracted to me, but honestly, at this juncture, I would put more value over a genuine friendship than any possible (pseudo)romance with a guy.

  • Ashleigh

    @Theryl
    so true!

  • Ashleigh

    @Tea
    lmao! Real talk.

  • Sharrita

    This was all the way 100! Sex and feelings should be separate. Too many times we women like to comingle the two and get our feelings hurt because the man doesnt respond the way we think they should after the act. Love this post!

  • BoomShots

    @brownivyx
    There are 5 women I have known at least 10 years that I can offer up who will swear that I have never made an attempt to have sex with them.
    Why?
    Because I never needed to. At least 2 of those women have voiced to others that they wondered how come I never did and truth be told, I put them in the friend category and that was the end of it.

    Ladies I know too many men behave like sex is next to food as a sustainer of life but all too often its about proving their manhood and not real desire. We feel pressure too, the pressure to be always ready and willing for sex. I got a pretty good appetite for sex but I have never felt the need to sleep with every woman I find attractive or available. And its not always about respecting women either, I just never felt the need even in a drought.

  • citygirl22

    This post was hilarious and true. I think a lot of women posting here are using circular logic and missing the point. “Different connotation,” “offhanded,” “insulting” are all terms that rely on the PREMISE that the suggestion of sex is offensive. Jozen is throwing that premise out the door. He is not talking about what happens before or after the proposition (and the sex act, if it occurs)… he is talking about the proposition/act itself, or the IDEA of it that women seem to balk at.

    Ladies, let’s pretend for argument’s sake that the proposition is not lewd or insensitive. It’s not in the form of a stranger whistling at you on the street. Neither is it a 3 am booty call from an incessant stalker. It’s just an invitation to “come upstairs” from a cute, funny, smart, good-looking guy with whom you have a lot of chemistry, and with whom you were having a great time up to that point. Let’s suppose it was your first date. Or your second. Or your fourth. Some women would STILL consider the mere expression of the desire to be an insult. Jozen is simply saying that it shouldn’t be so.

    When, and under what circumstances, is it appropriate for a man to initiate, or express a sexual interest? Only after he has “gotten to know you” and showed “true concern” or “abiding care?” Realize that men will do such things in the interest of getting to sex. It doesn’t make them bad people… it is how they are hard wired. In fact, if a man finds you sexually attractive, all of your wonderful non-sexual qualities will NEVER supplant his desire. In fact, they will only intensify his desire– but they MIGHT increase the time that he is willing to wait and the lengths to which he is willing to go to have you. Isn’t that what courtship is, after all? The man who cuts to the chase may be impatient, but he is honest.

    I recently had to thank one of my male suitors for keeping it real from the beginning. I may not have liked hearing that his main interest was sex. But guess what? I knew exactly what he wanted and had the choice to stay or walk. He didn’t pull at my heartstrings, unlike many other people who will play the game, get what they want and bounce. And he didn’t waste my time, unlike those who talk the talk, then mysteriously lose interest when you don’t give it up within 2 weeks.

    Not that I don’t love to be courted… I do. I just think 90% of it is B.S., and at least some of that is due to the poor choices of men that we women make. A great man should respect you AND want to f*** your brains out. How you choose to deal with that is up to you.

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    @Demi

    EXACTLY! Lol. Just like a guy to want all of the pros and not the cons

  • http://www.experiencecollette.com Collette

    I think this post is just a big ol’ ploy to get into the pants of all women.

    Still love this blog, though.

    lol

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    @citygirl22

    I totally agree. Someone made the point (maybe Jozen) that it’s good to have him want to have sex with you, but it’s bad when he reacts poorly when u don’t give it up. For instance he a) curses you out and leaves b) tries to keep going or c) tells you how much you owe him for the dinner. Now that’s the true test of a man, whether he’s willing to wait even though he has made it clear that he wants it.

  • http://womanofcolor.wordpress.com brownivyx

    @BoomShots

    That’s pretty cool. Out of curiosity, do you consider yourself an anomaly? Or do you have peers who can say the same?

  • Simply

    I think this post and the comments that correspond speak volumes on the state of (Black) relationships in this 3rd millennium. Instead of sex being two souls touching, it is more or less a physical act, like we are becoming more primal through evolution. I realize that “to each his own” and all, but it still saddens my spirit a bit.

  • http://www.aaronstjuste.wordpress.com Fallible Sage

    @BoomShots
    I definitely agree with you BoomShots. Men do feel pressure. For myself, there are women that I wouldn’t sleep with (wouldn’t is a very loose term in manland, least in the manland I reside in. Meaning, I don’t want to, I don’t necc. find you attractive and don’t see you in my future, but in the right situation who knows what might pop off), then there are those who I am attracted to and would like to sleep with, but I know it’s going nowhere significant, for instance I might not think she’s interesting in any other regard. Then there are those that I’m interested in long term, want to sleep with, but am willing to, in fact prefer to, wait in order to focus on getting to know her uninfluenced and distracted by the physical… until I know where you stand with me and I with you. Back to BoomShots point though, I’ve evolved a lot with this sex thing, and we definitely feel some pressure too. Sometimes even to have sex when we’d rather not. The first group of women I talked about can sometimes come at you hard and relentlessly, might even catch you at an opportune moment. The last group can sometimes question your decision to wait, as she’s so used to brothers coming at her hard, she thinks that something is wrong with you or that you think something’s wrong with her. I wrote about this experience here:
    http://falliblesage.com/2009/06/17/can-celibacy-be-manly/#comment-133

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  • wahoo4uva

    What a coincidence that I stumbled upon this post! I was intending to ask for an opinion/post on this very topic because I was recently propositioned for sex by a man I had just met two days prior. At the time I didn’t feel disrespected, rather shocked that he just came out and asked for what he wanted while being very polite about it all; however, later thinking about the experience I wondered if I was being and should feel disrespected by his forward request. I had never been in that position before and was flattered but mostly dumbfounded because it was new to me.

    Anyhoo…I declined his advances, explaining that I do not have casual sex. I avoided his attempts to kiss and even hug me goodnight — mostly to make sure things taking a turn toward me giving in to sex or even just fooling around. I later thanked him for his company and it was nice meeting him. He was responded well and said he’d like to see me again one day. I’m pretty sure should the opportunity arise, he’ll sex me senseless if I let him. I like the thought actually. Part of me wants it to happen. But that’s not good enough. I want conversation, time, attention and an emotional connection as much as sex.

    Oh, well. It’s nice knowing someone desires me.