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Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The Lesbian Edition

In his lifetime, every man meets a girl or two he has no business falling for and when he does, he has two choices. The first is to give it a shot anyway and see if the rewards outweigh the risks. The second is to not take the risk at all, and continue on in life with a clear head.

The older I get, the more I prefer the latter, but the former stays tugging at me like some sort of addiction. I have definitely fallen for a girl I shouldn’t fall for, on several occasions, but this is the cautionary true story of one.

When I asked her out on a date, she made it perfectly clear to me she didn’t date boys. She said, “At this point in my life, I’m not really doing the whole dating thing, but when I do, I date women.”

“Well,” I said. “That’s perfect, because I’m not really doing the whole dating thing either, and when I do date, I date women too. So let’s not call it a date, and hang out anyway.”

It took a while for her to respond to my text, but when she finally did, she said “Okay, but I’m telling you, I really don’t date men so no funny stuff.”

“No funny stuff,” I wrote back.

Really, there was no funny stuff planned. Of course I initially asked the girl out on a date because when I met her the week prior I was struck by how beautiful she was. Well that and the fact that she was from California and her uncanny ability to deliver a witty comeback with no hesitation. But those were things that came after I first laid eyes on her. She was so fine I was confused, confused I had never seen her before, confused as to where I was spending my time all these years because it obviously wasn’t at places where girls like her hang out. But I had to keep it together. I had a job to do when I met her, to interview her friend for a story I was working on, but the whole time I was wondering how I was going to transition this interview with her friend into an opportunity to learn more about her.

It should also be said, nothing about her told me this was a girl who prefers girls. Well, she did have the head shaved on one side look, but it’s not like the look is some lesbian uniform. I mean, models rock the look too, so how was I supposed to know what she was into?

My whole reason I didn’t back down once I did find out she was a lesbian is because I was still drawn to her energy. The first night we met, the two of us, along with the person she interviewed and his other friend all went to dinner after the interview. There, we ate and laughed. A lot. And I have a rule about that. If they laugh three times at things you say, there’s license to stay in touch. So that’s exactly what I did, and because I was at this strange point in my life where I actually wasn’t seeking some random hook-up and was more interested in getting to know what a woman really was about, her being a lesbian was actually a plus.

I should have also known it’s when we’re not looking for a person to fall for, we end up tripping over someone anyway.

The date was set for the next day, and we met at a subway station because I wanted to take her to one of my favorite coffee shops. I remember seeing her across the street from where I was standing and thinking, Best behavior, Jozen. Secretly, before I saw her, I hoped after learning what she told me about her (that she liked girls), my attraction to her would cease, like somehow, I could more easily control myself all because I knew there was no way anything was going to happen. But when she crossed the street and looked at me, she didn’t look at me like a girl who liked girls. Then again, she didn’t look at me like a girl who liked guys either. All she did was look at me like a girl who liked me. We hugged and then I looked at her and simply asked, “Ready to get on this train?” She smirked, shook her head in a no direction, and then said, “Let’s go.”

At coffee, we talked a lot about each other. She asked me questions about my website, I asked her questions about her website. We talked about the differences between New York and California and the differences between Northern California (where I’m from) and Southern California (where she’s from). All the while I could tell there was something going on that was palpable. And I would write more about that, but describing the energy between two people who want to do things with each other that don’t make sense, never makes sense. So if any of you know what I’m talking about, you’ll understand why I am going to move on.

An hour passed before I told her about the dinner I made the night before. She was into it, and when I say it, I mean the dish I made and my description of it. I had leftovers, she was hungry, so she came over for a late lunch and together, we sat at my coffee table and shared the leftovers. We also continued to act like we were supposed to act — her like a girl who liked girls, I like a man who respected that. But the elephant in the room was standing over us and with it’s trunk was nudging us to get closer and closer to each other.

I finally sat down by her, and she said to me, “Jozen, I’m not some flaky lesbian. I like girls the way you like girls. I really, really like girls. I don’t like girls because I hate men, I like girls because I love them.”

“So kissing me is out of the question,” I asked.

She just shook her head and deferred, saying, “You know, I know girls for whom this is just a phase, but I haven’t been with a guy in like 10 years. This isn’t a phase. This isn’t even really a lifestyle. This is what I like.”

I was definitely trying to listen to her, trying to ignore this fine face that was speaking these words. I wanted to take her allegiance seriously. I enjoyed her company and I didn’t want to jeopardize losing it all because I couldn’t control my urge to lean over and kiss her. But, this pretty face of hers was getting on my nerves. Ever seen a person so gorgeous they make you sick? Well, I was about to throw up and I told her as much: “You’re so fine I’m seriously going to have to kick you out.” She laughed. I laughed. It was awkward and there was a long silence that fell after the laughter.

“So let me get this straight. If I kissed you, to you, it would be like me kissing a man,” I asked. “Like, it’s that foreign to you?”

“Basically,” she said.

“Well, it’s a good thing you’re not a man.” And then I leaned over, and kissed her.

We kissed for a long time after that; a long time that night and for weeks after. We had something going on between us, or actually, there was a lot going on. I was talking about her to my friends. She was introducing me to hers. And though the two of us never quite got passed the fact that none of us this was supposed to happen between us, we indulged ourselves in every moment of it until one day I stopped hearing from her.

It’s not like she was completely ignoring me, she just became short with me, so short I eventually got the point. I think we had one long talk about how she wasn’t going to really get used to this, what was going on between us. To her, I was too much of a man’s man. There were guy things I did, guy things I said that just, well, turned her off. Oh and she was also starting to see someone again, and I kind of knew that because on her Facebook, I saw pictures of her at breakfast with another woman and the two of them looked so comfortable together, I could tell it was the ex she would speak of from time to time. The ex was definitely a woman too.

Had it been a woman who likes men who told me I turned her off and was taking pictures with an ex, I probably would have taken offense. But since it was her, a girl who actually took a chance on a guy for the first time in ten years, no offense was taken. The unfortunate thing was, for the first time in a long time, this was a girl who I really liked and it was so frustrating because as a man, falling for anyone is something we just don’t enjoy doing. Falling for a girl we shouldn’t fall for is something that makes us want to punch our own face and ask rhetorical questions like, “What the hell are you doing?”

Eventually, the two of us stopped talking altogether, even as friends. But I did run into her two more times after that talk we had. The first time was at a show, and I was with my friends, so I introduced her to all of them and when she walked away, all my boys gave me the kinds of pounds boys give to each other when their boy has snagged up a pretty girl.

The second time was when I was headed to dinner with my boy, on the exact same subway her and I got on for our first date. She was with some guy who I took to be her friend and so I had no problem walking up to her and saying hi.The two of us made some small talk, she introduced me to the guy, and before I walked away I said, “Hey, I’ve been meaning to hit you up and see if you wanted to go to lunch or something.” I felt like enough time passed between us for me to try and open things up again, at least on a platonic level. When I asked her, she gave me the same smirk she gave me at the same subway station months ago, and shook her head in the direction of no, but this time followed it up with a verbal no too. “I don’t think we should,” she said. Now wasn’t the time for salesmanship, so I told her to think about it, told the guy she was sitting with it was a pleasure to meet him, and walked back to where my boy was sitting.

Rejected, I thought nothing of it, as a matter of fact, I even did the foolish thing men do to protect their ego and told my boy how she rejected my offer for lunch. “Honestly,” I told him. “I think she still has a thing for me but she fights it, that’s why she doesn’t want to go to lunch with me.”

“Yeah,” my boy said. “That’s most definitely it.”

Later that evening, as my boy and a few of our other friends were leaving dinner, I received a text message from the girl. It read, “Sorry, I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. The guy I was with, that’s my boyfriend.”

I wrote back, “Oh, okay. I’m sorry too. Maybe I should have picked up on it. But good. Glad to see you happy. I understand.”

But the truth is, to this day, I actually don’t understand and the extra truth is, it’s not for me to understand. All I really know is, every once in a while there are going to be girls we have no business falling for and if we don’t resist, things like this will happen.

  • http://www.modelmayhem.com/KaijaMarshe KaijaBelle

    Damn jozen…I feel for you in this one…that whole boyfriend text had to sting. Do you think in some way that what you two had prepared her to be in a relationship with the next guy? Maybe being with you reminded her of what she missed being with a man, so she went back to the woman to confirm it and then to a man only it wasn’t you because our human egos get in the way of admitting we were wrong.

  • http://bubblyblackgirl.wordpress.com Renae

    My first reaction is shock that you influenced this girl’s sexuality. But what happened is deeper than that. While you may have impacted someone and opened their heart and mind, it’s heart-wrenching that it wasn’t opened to you. 🙁

  • Tee

    “I should have also known it’s when we’re not looking for a person to fall for, we end up tripping over someone anyway.”

    *sigh* Lemme just lay here for a minute and let this marinate.

  • Theryl

    Wow. I’m baffled. 10 years without dating men, and then announcing that she liked girls like you like girls….then a boyfriend?? Dare I say she was already leaning towards that fine line when she accepted your date. Men don’t want to be friends with a girl off top, and every woman with good sense know that. I think it’s safe to say she fell for someone she had no business falling for and it changed the direction of her life.

  • JB

    It was like I knew your story because I have came across that a few times in my life. The difference with your story & my experience was she was well into dating women. I talked to girls who just became curious or had one experience. Our experience ended the same way unfortunately though. Keep that search up “til you get married”

  • Dee

    Jozen don’t make me sad at work please. I think you truly opened the door for her to walk on the other side. Whether you speak to her again or not know that she’ll always remember you

  • http://yesijukebox.blogspot.com Yesi Jukebox

    I agree with everyone that has commented already so not much else for me to say..

  • CB2

    I am not going to be as Politically correct as the above posters but that was some bull sh*t that almost the same as in college as sleeping in the same bed with a woman and she doesnt let you hit

  • goalawal

    i don’t know why you all are so down… this post is HEE- LARRY-US… I would laugh at my friends if this happened to him, so pardon me if i LMFAO @ jozenc..

  • http://www.twitter.com/hissoapbox Jayar Moten

    lol, I supposed it WAS a phase…That is a sad story man. I don’t know why we have a thing for the girls we shouldn’t fall for, and I have no idea why women are simply so confusing. Stuff like this happens throughout the course of most of my friends dating experience and to this day I still can’t offer them any good advice about how to handle a female curveball. Just shake your head in confusion and wait for it to make sense with some woman I suppose. GREAT POST MAN

  • Miss. Riss

    So she disses you, then ends up with a boyfriend? So much for that Lesbian thing not being a phase. Strange.

    Great story as usual though.

  • b

    My mouth hit the floor as I read : Later that evening, as my boy and a few of our other friends were leaving dinner, I received a text message from the girl. It read, “Sorry, I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. The guy I was with, that’s my boyfriend.”

  • http://www.passionatefriday.com Glendon Cameron

    CB2- WORD!

    I date the socially confused woman myself and it is a maze of deception on both sides.

  • Quinn

    Wow. Loved it. Thanks for sharing.

  • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

    @KaijaBelle
    WOW! That was a good observation.

    “I should have also known it’s when we’re not looking for a person to fall for, we end up tripping over someone anyway.”

    Yes! This is the beauty of LOVE I think.

  • Mia

    @Theryl I couldn’t agree with you more. But, this story left me a little confused. IMO, I think this is one of the best stories you’ve told.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @CB2 I hate you and hate @Glendon Cameron for ageeing with him- smh

    Weirdest thing, I agree with @goalawal this story was pure comedy, sad yes, but FUN-NEEEE!

    I’m sorry Jozen, sh!t happens like dat sometimes-(no, not really lol)- but, you kinda gotta just laugh it off and move on… Reminds me of 500 Days of Summer… excellent movie- JOZEN SEE IT! lol

  • Cicely

    Maybe you were too much of a man too fast…

  • Malia

    I don’t think it was a phase. Most lesbians were heterosexual at some point. It’s like saying one has to be either or and I think for women, we’re far more forgiving of the fluidity of female sexuality.

    I think, for her, she was going for a certain type of connection that she really only felt with women, until she found a guy with whom she felt it.

  • O.P.

    Thats why I can’t trust a woman for a long time…

  • sideeye

    WOW!!! That’s pretty jacked up!! hmmm reminds me of when a dude says..I don’t want a girlfriend and/or relationship but a few months later he’s in a relationship..bahaa!!! What a bunch of BS!!!

  • http://www.my28cents.com my28cents

    While reading this my phone rang at work. I was so caught up in the story I had to stop myself from answering, “Untiligetmarried speaking.”

    Interesting story. Didn’t even happen to me, yet I’m sitting here slightly confused and curious as to how she ended up with a boyfriend after all that.

    @goalawal
    Yea I would definitely laugh at my boys too if it happened to one of them.

  • Mississ

    @sideeye–YESSSSS!!!! …or when you date someone for a year or two…and then he marries the next woman after dating her for 6 months!

    I’m curious to know how long she dated the new dude. J, I need you to casually bump into her like you did the other exes. I need an update.

  • @broSouL

    i swear you need to make a movie. out of all of these stories.

    thanks for a great read, as usual, jozen.

    @brosoul

  • Youngbuck

    What! Hell no oh I’d be pissed! Her boyfriend what the hell is that! Damn…. why am I hurt over here for you…

  • AlongCameStacey

    The problem is that people are too quick to put themselves in boxes and put others in boxes as well. Intimacy can exist on all levels between people of different and similar genders. That doesn’t mean that you’re homosexual one day and heterosexual the next. It simply means that you’re allowed to choose and explore at will. That you’re not confined to the box you checked off last week. Had she realized this she probably wouldn’t have fought off her feelings for you and then go AWOL.

    But hey, she wasn’t meant for you and gave you yet another good story for your blog.

  • Vanessa

    I agree with @ AlongCameStacey. Sexuality is fluid and not everyone ascribes to the barriers that society has set up. It may sting a bit more because you weren’t the object of her affection…but nonetheless who is to say that this current boyfriend will be her life partner?

    On a totally different note, Jozen, you rock!

  • Tonya

    If you lost some one, you need to let it go. And if it comes back, it’ll mean so much more. But if it doesn’t, at least you will know. That it was something you had to go through, to grow – Heather Headley.

    -I’ll let you decide who that applies to more, you (Jozen) or her.

  • http://ktcheval.wordpress.com KB

    That was totally not the end I was expecting.
    This was so well-written. You have a real knack for describing the little ways in which you slowly fall for another person. That’s why these types of posts are always my favorites.
    What I wanna know is…what was her boyfriend thinking when you were like, “We should do lunch.” Not that you would know this, but I’m curious by nature. This just gave me an idea.
    Thanks for the inspiration.

  • E-Dub

    Wow.

  • Pascalle

    Damn homey. That was a torturous ending. Good thing time helps us move on! She must have been FINE.

  • GJ

    This sounds like the plot to Chasing Amy.

  • GJ

    Not saying it isnt a real story, just saying its very Kevin Smith-esque in its realness!

  • Mischa

    My thing is why did she have to tell you who the guy was?!!
    You were already going to walk away and do the stay out of touch thing. I think it was a bit heartless on her part.
    Indecisiveness is like underwear. just because you’re wearing it, doesn’t mean you have to show it!

  • http://womanofcolor.wordpress.com brownivyx

    A great afternoon read. This would be a pretty good screenplay/movie. Could give Kevin Smith a run for its money, lol.

  • Kemz

    Well then, that was some bullsh!t. I read the ending my response was “Are you effin serious?”. That had to sting because even I felt that ish. Rough.

  • Everybodylovvesme

    Yeah….ummmmm… that young lady ending up with a BF is total BS! I guess being a women that would have p*@#$ed me of royally! Kudos to you for taking it so well.

  • CB2

    @**inquiring mind** hate me, why i dont even know you. Anyway my opinion is the same. she was bogus and she was seeking the attention and validation of a man. because their is no way if she was a strict lesbian as Jozen mentioned, she would be back with a dude.

  • bridget b.

    Ouch! Well at least if you had to get your face cracked, it was in private as you read the text. Imagine how awkward it would have been if she’d said something in front of dude.
    I think you were right to take the chance, otherwise you would never have known what could have been.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @CB2 Do you really think I hate you? Really?… anyway, this right here “she was seeking the attention and validation of a man” I can flow wit (which ain’t what you said before- rude @ss).

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    @sideeye
    That’s true! I was definitely that girl who swore off relationships for years and then had to break the news to several people that had accepted that and dealt with me anyways, that I now had a boyfriend. So I guess i was this girl, minus the lesbianism. And one of the previous dudes that I broke the news to responded “I guess I didn’t fit the mold then , huh?” and the say truth is, no.

    So as much as we female readers have a bleeding heart for Jozen bc he’s a great writer, and therefore we believe he’s a great catch and she must’ve effed up. The truth is probably, he wasn’t the one.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @MissMina Yeah, but why say you a lesbo tho? I mean I definitely get what you saying but she was kinda Die Hard about isht no? Like “THERE’S NO WAY”… really? Unless of course she was just effing with Jozen and needed an easy exit route to which if that is true she gets daps from me lol(kidding, but dat is kinda gangsta/funny)

  • Lesbian 101

    Let me bring some UNDERSTANDING to the round table. You are now talking to that “*ithch” (which Im sure alot of you want to call her) in Jozen’s story. Before (and sometimes while) “active” lesbianism is explored, there are trial periods with the opposite sex. Not because we’re being vindictive or “confused” but because after dating both sexes and it still not working (because you did say she was NOT even dating women @ the time) it tends to open our minds to just enjoy the company of another intruiging person. Which leads me to believe you must be fine (or established) b/c she would have NEVER agreed to hang out with you if you were not @ least 1.5 of the 2 (yes, 1.5)! Anyhow, I can tell you 10 times out of 10–this boyfriend of hers was NOT a new aquaintance. It was a man from her past who she had previously experienced and mentally could accept as a mate. Why? because the experience was there BEFORE she deemed herself a LESBIAN. More than likely, her feelings had already developed for this guy and laid “dormant” til something just…happened (could have been you, could have been bad experiences, age, a coincidence). Because a REAL lesbian (mentally, physically, emotionally) is going to be EXTREMELY resistent to new…guys (ya’ll know what I really wanted to put there–starts with a “d” ends with a “k”).

    Believe me, I know what I’m talking about because I’m there right now. And though I may chill and enjoy a guy’s company (which I’ve entertained 2 guys in 6 years, and I met then both within the last 2 months), there’s truelly only 1 guy I would consider “going there with”…and he’s the one who sent me this story 🙂

    Hopefully the little bit of emasculation you endured is put @ ease–she didn’t choose him over you…he met her before she met her “lesbian” self.

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand *applause*

  • zy

    all I can say is… wow

  • **inquiring mind**

    I guess it makes sense *shrug*

  • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

    Mouth = dropped the eff open.

  • Miya

    It happens to all of us. Now, my dating motivation is driven by accumulating the best tales to add to the vault. I was involved with a man I had ab-sol-ute-ly no business being with. I was in to him because he wasn’t afraid of me, and was quick to cool my fire. The fact that he smelled like 10 million dollars didn’t hurt either. And, with him having that grown-ass-man swagger, I was putty – and stupid. In the end, our relationship amounted to just another story. One that he’d like to continue, but a chapter in my life that I have closed. Sorry to hear things didn’t work out with your California girl. There’s plenty more on the West side. All the best to you!

  • Laura

    Am I the only one who saw humor in this post?

  • BoomShots

    Dude, you think you have problems. I am usually the dude who ends up with the chick who swore off men because they were into other girls are just felt all men suck. Let me tell you its not always as pleasant as you think. Yeah initially you may feel you won the prize but the truth is its an enormous amount of pressure because you the bicycyle with the training wheels.

    Truth is you may have missed a bullet!!

  • Cameron

    Jozen, you tell an amazing story. It’s been a pleasure reading through your blogs. I’ve definitely become a fan. Keep writing.