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The Real Reason He Didn’t Call Her Back After She Gave It Up

I actually just wrote close to 900 words on this subject, only to see it all get erased by WordPress, so I’m going to skip the semantics of my introduction I wrote in the previous draft and instead just get right into it.

So here it is, as the title says, the real reason men don’t call women back after sex.

Every time a woman gives it up to a man and immediately sees her phone calls not being returned and her emails being ignored, she usually has a long list of theories. These theories include everything from she gave it up to soon, to the man lied to her and is actually in a relationship. Well how about this theory: The reason a man isn’t calling the woman back after she gave it up is because the woman was bad in bed — as in not good, as in so not good he doesn’t want to do it again, as in because he doesn’t want to do it again, he won’t be calling her back anytime soon.

Don’t believe me? Ask a male friend or acquaintance right now.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

See? I told you.

Now every woman is sure to ask, what constitutes bad sex, and the truth is, I don’t know. But I do know I’ve had it, and I one of the effects of it is never wanting to have sex with the same person again.

When it comes to men, there are two types. Those who care about their reputation in the bedroom and those who don’t. For the sake of this conversation, pay no attention to the latter. Instead, let’s focus on the former individual. This is the type of guy who knows if he doesn’t come with his A game, he’s probably never going to hear from the woman again. I’ve been this guy a couple of times in my life. Try to put on the best show possible, and instead of applause, I’m hearing the woman’s voice mail in the subsequent days and weeks after.

Oh well, sometimes, that’s the way it goes. As a man, I understand this. Women on the other hand, never understand this.

In the conversations I have had with all the men I know who settle down, one of the common denominators I notice is the women with whom they are settling down is the sex is off the hook. That’s what they say and that’s what makes sense. I mean, honestly, who in their right mind believes if a man really was given the time of his life he wouldn’t go back for repeat visits? Men, moreso than women, are creatures of habit. So when we find something we like, we continue to go back to the well over and over. No man ever says, “That was great! I NEVER want to do it again!” And for us, sex has to be great in order for us to continue having sex with the same person, it can’t just be good. Good sex only keeps a man wanting more and more sex from more and more women. Great sex is what keeps a man wanting more and more sex from the woman who gave it to him.

Last week, in a post I wrote entitled “Five Compliments Women Should Learn To Appreciate”, one of the compliments I wrote was the “good in bed” compliment. The reason most women don’t appreciate hearing such a thing is because they believe a man thinks every woman is good in bed, but the truth is they’re not. In keeping with what I said last week, this is the “bad pizza theory” updated. Sex, like pizza, is good even when it’s bad. The thing is, like bad pizza, when we have bad sex, we’re never going back for a repeat visit.

Unfortunately ladies, I have no solutions for this problem. Nor do I have any advice as to how to deal with this, other than saying, it happens to the best of us. And to any woman I slept with who is reading this thinking I’m talking about you because I never called again, take no offense. You didn’t call me back either. My bad.

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  • AlongCameStacey

    I’d like to go on record and say: I’ve never had this problem. Lol.

  • Theryl

    Ok, Jozen, I did ask a guy! Lol. His response was “if it was just sex, there wouldn’t be a need to call the next day….if she talks too much, no call, too much drama, no call” but nothing about her being bad in bed. I would think a guy would at least try it again to see if maybe it was an off night. Lol.

  • TiP

    Straight like that!! Well I wouldn’t know about this, cause every man I have ever slept with called back wanting more. Hell some of them still calling and texting years later! 😉 Good post!

  • taurusitalia

    I agree with this. As a woman, I do not want to be with a man who cannot give “off the hook” sex. It has to be mutual. Sex drives have to match & compliment one another. I believe it is a factor that is unexplainable & I do not think everyone is “suppose” to be compatible with everyone. That is what makes relationships unique & different each time. Now, who doesn’t want to be a sex God or Goddess? LOL. I have had 2 long-term relationships where the sex was “off the hook” & I have had a casual relationship where I was like, Really? Umm why am I bothering. No one wants to hear it or think about it. But it happens. And you know what else Jozen…someone who wants to be that intimate is DEFINITELY a compliment, for anyone! :O)

  • http://yesijukebox.blogspot.com Yesi Jukebox

    First I have to say this post badly needs to be proofread. I was a little confused at some points.
    I am glad to say though that I have never waited by the phone for a guy to call after we had sex, I have been the one not to call back though lol.

  • Conscience

    #Cosign this whole article…especially this part: “In the conversations I have had with all the men I know who settle down, one of the common denominators I notice is the women with whom they are settling down is the sex is off the hook.” This of course is not the only reason but dammit it damn sure is in the top 5…

  • Tennille P

    I have read a few blogs from you over the past few weeks and I really like your factual honesty. Although no one thing applies to every person, most of your statements are spot on! My fav line from this post “Men, moreso than women, are creatures of habit. So when we find something we like, we continue to go back to the well over and over.” This can be applied to so many scenarios. I always retweet/Post on FB so keep writing! =)

  • Conscience

    I’m retired but back in the day…lol calling a woman back after bad sex? Really? #wheretheydothatat…

  • AlongCameStacey

    Theryl brings up a good point. I’ve had bad sex with a guy and gave it another shot because I know that sometimes those first time jitters can mess with your performance. The second time around is usually pretty good. Now if it’s just AWFUL, well then that’s another story.

  • http://yesijukebox.blogspot.com Yesi Jukebox

    Hey I just read that twitter post! I only felt the need to point out this needs to be proofread because I actually did have to re-read some parts :-/ it’s all love jozen! I know it was done in a rush, I read your blog everyday!

  • MultipleHeart

    @Theryl

    LMAO…good one. I have been in the situation where the sex was bad but I gave the guy another try…somethings improve with time and practice…sex is one, lol

  • http://www.my28cents.com my28cents

    Very true. Never gave it much thought, but that’s definitely the reason I haven’t called back. Rare event fortunately.

    Feel your pain about the deletion thing. Hasn’t happened with my blog yet, but happens all the time with other things I’ve documented.

  • http://macariojames.com Macario James

    Right on the nose.

  • http://macariojames.com Macario James

    Right on the nose. It’s one of those truths don’t want to admit to, but at the end of the day, the truth is always there whether we (or they) want to acknowledge it or not.

  • Trinity

    I feel you on the wordpress thing…I damn near had a heart attack when that happened yesterday. Anyway. Loved the post. And it is so true. I agree with @along came because you never know if they were having an off day. But your so right….we as women do the same thing and then sometimes call our girls to tell them about the Lela rochon waiting to exhale moment.

  • **inquiring mind**

    What can I say that hasn’t been said already ESPECIALLY the “I’ve never had this problem” statement lol…

    I gotta agree with @Theryl and @MultipleHeart sometimes it does take a little practice, there’s a learning curve of sorts. However, if I give you another chance I’mma need you to pay close attention when class is session (not that I’ve had that problem either *shrug*)

    I just realized something… women give men way more (too much) slack! Here I am admitting to giving a ninja a chance to get some extra credit points(wink wink, there’s a great school theme happening here why stop it now) and I look up and there is @Conscience talmbout “where dey do dat at?”… smh #FML

  • http://www.thechicagosupperclub.com Alana

    Ummm I don’t completely agree with this…I think this is a very valid reason for why alot of guys dont call back,but is this the only reason?nope I doubt it.I’m a girl so I cant get into a mans mind but I think this only scratches the surface of why men dont call back.

  • http://reformedsoutherngal.blogspot.com KitKatCuty84

    I dated a guy for like two months before we got intimate. We were having an argument and he almost didn’t come over, but I said I wanted to “christen” my new apartment and he was game. But no matter how much champagne I drank, I still knew I didn’t really wanna do it (not at that particular time), and the the whole incident was wack as all get out. For me, it was like -15 out of 10, but I figured it might get better, so I called back. After two tries with no answer, I gave up. I guess it was wack for him too, lol.

    Then like six months later, he texts out of the blue saying he almost died and lets get together to talk. I guess he was in the mood for some bad pizza again? I sure as heck wasn’t, so I blocked his number, lol.

  • Holly

    At eighteen, I had sex with a guy after the third date. Needless to say, I was embarrassed and I didn’t call him. Well, after three days, he called with aggression and asked me out again. I went but I never had sex with him again. Since then, he’s been asking me to marry him every year and I’m 26 years old now.

    So, the moral of the story is…I’m not advising any woman to have sex before marriage but, if you slip and have sex with a guy too soon, DO IT THAT ONE TIME AND DON’T DO IT WITH HIM EVER AGAIN. DON’T EVEN CALL HIM. Trust me, he’ll sweat you for years and then you’ll have the power to want to be with him or not. 🙂 Better yet, strive for substance in ALL relationships, because you get more love and support.

  • MoodIndigo

    I know this wasn’t the point of your post Jozen, but reading the comments made me want to share my 2 cents. I always find it strange that so many people say that they need to test drive the sexual compatibility before marriage or a long-term relationship. I could see doing that for a jump-off or a fwb, but a long-term relationship or life-partner??!! When you’re with somebody for long-term or life you grow together and become emotionally intimate, meaning you talk about your likes, dislikes, needs, etc. 9/10 times the sex will get better, even amazing as you become tuned to your s.o.’s sexual needs. Finding a long-term partner has so many challenges, why make sex on the 1st or 2nd one of them?

  • Demi

    Cosign 100% on this one. I’m sorry. And I’ll go ahead and put myself out there and say that I’ve done this to a guy for the very same reason. Straight incognito if the sex is no good. You too old to be taught. Sorry. Great (and honest) post.

  • goalawal

    I get upset when i mistakenly delete a text while typing on my #bb, so i can imagine how you feel after losing a post.

    5 reasons i wont call a girl back after sex!

    1. I conquered her- (sounds crazy right) this girl is the one that acted like she was too good 4 me, too cute and like my D-K wasn’t worth her ish. Then she slips, falls and i body-line her… Thanks but no thanks… I was only interested cos u made me feel like i couldn’t climb that mountain, i have now and i’m done… So, go tell ur friends about the D

    2. Vacation/Holiday thing- I meant for this 2 be a 1 night thing… Yes, it was great but again this was meant to be a one night thing. I do NOT have the time to get to know you better, and quite frankly we aren’t looking to get in2 a relationship / marriage w/ each other… i.e babe i’m never coming 2 Minnesota again so WTF

    3. Your RETARDED request- She said during sex “TAKE THE CONDOM” off… After this is over, i’m never calling you back… cos am thinking how many others have you asked to do the same. Next time you’ll prolly say your allergic to latex… and i believe in safe sex and i don’t wanna get that text… that say i’m Late

    4. Curious Sex+ Good Sex= This cant be good in the end so why not stop while we’re ahead – We both know this isn’t right… We either work 2gether, i’m w/ ur roommate, u have a bf, et cetera… I satisfied my curiosity and thou i was satisfied i am a man w/ a conscience (at times) and it lays heavy on my heart (at times).. So, while we dont want things to get complicated cos SEX complicates shit… good game, now its over…

    5. We family baby, kissing cousins….. Ya remember that cam song… if God ever punishes me and i find out i just had sexual relations( Bill Clinton voice) with a distant cousin or something.. i’m pouring rubbing alcohol on my D and going for spiritual deliverance..maybe a exorcism.

  • Conscience

    ^^^
    LMAO

  • zy

    @Conscience

    LMAO!!!!

  • zy

    @MoodIndigo
    while this sounds very noble and I applaud your thinking… there is no way I’m getting married to someone I haven’t slept with. you can talk until you’re blue in the face but if you haven’t acted on that talking, you have no clue exactly what that person is like physically. yes, sex will get better with time and the growth of love but initially, there has to be a spark and skill. if there is no skill… it ain’t gonna work.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @goalawal
    I just can’t wit you today lol(smh)

  • htj

    Look ladies, there are many reasons besides the sex not being great. But it’s definitely something the guy wasn’t down with about the woman he decides not to call back. None of which have the least bit to do with you giving it up too soon. So please, don’t use that as an excuse to hold back. In fact, give it up early and often so as no to waste time in a relationship that’s doomed to fail.

    Here’s just a sampling of reasons:
    You’re not that attractive to him.
    Your body looked good in clothes, not so much out.
    You feminine area has something going on that turns dude off.
    Something you said earlier already turned him off to you, but you made it obvious he’d get it if he stuck it out, so he did, but never had any intention of calling you after.
    You got too clingy immediately after.

    I could go on for days, but the bottom line is that you shouldn’t read too much into it. Would you rather have waited 6 months and had dude pull his disappearing act then?

  • dwillwrite

    Well, okay, as a mature woman, I want to be clear. If you have been dating a woman, getting to know her and things are going great and it has been a couple of months (that is if you actually court a woman and all your encounters are not one night stands) and you finally have sex and it is not up to your expectations (it might not be up to hers either), do you mean to say you would kick this girl to the curb? And you genuinely liked her, enjoyed her company, had fun with? You mean you wouldn’t give it another try as others have said? Sounds shallow to me. She’s better off if you block her calls. I’m just sayin’

    @ goalawal — you are a cold brotha, especially #1, might want to see a therapist before your name gets put on a beware of website;now #3 I totally understand; #2 okay but if it is mutual; #4, why bother in the first place. If it is forbidden why risk what could be a potentially embarrassing, dangerous, compulsive roll in a hay. Use some self control. Again, you might want to tell the therapist about that. #5, I’m confused totally. If it is what I think you are saying, run, don’t walk to the therapist. Everybody knows you don’t sleep with a relative, even if she your sixth cousin removed.

  • goalawal

    @inquiring mind…. You cant win or fcuk with me 2day?
    @dwillwrite …. I’m actually nothing like what my comments might suggest ( you and @inquiring mind bout to have a brother coping a PLEA). On #5 off course one wont knowingly sleep w/ a relative (or @ least i hope so). I was merely speaking hypothetically as a reason i / anyone prolly wont call a girl back……thou, a long talk is prolly gonna be needed afterwards….

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    Men irk me with not being able to “put their finger on” why a woman was good or bad in bed. This leads me to believe that it is possibly all in their heads (if you disagree, prove me wrong by giving me tangible evidence). Unlike men, women are not confused about what makes a good experience. The three S’s:

    SIZE. STROKE. STAMINA.

    Case Closed.

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    goalawal :

    1. I conquered her- (sounds crazy right) this girl is the one that acted like she was too good 4 me, too cute and like my D-K wasn’t worth her ish. Then she slips, falls and i body-line her… Thanks but no thanks… I was only interested cos u made me feel like i couldn’t climb that mountain, i have now and i’m done… So, go tell ur friends about the D

    I’m in tears…LMAO

  • **inquiring mind**

    @MissMina *hi5*
    @goalawal win? bwoy stop! lol (j/k)

  • Janine

    @MissMina hahahahahah@ “SIZE.STROKE.STAMINA”. I can definitely agree that it is a very real possibility that women can be bad in bed, but like @Trinity and Missmina said, when women have bad sexual experience we can all point to the Lela Rochon moment when it all went downhill (If i’m not mistaken Whitney Houston had a hilariously bad experience as well…something about being the keeper at the zoo…I digress). In my profession you need some sort of direct or circumstantial evidence to make a charge stick…where’s the beef????

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    @Janine
    LMAO! Lela Rochon…I can picture her devastatingly bored expression right now.

  • Janine
  • http://yesijukebox.blogspot.com Yesi Jukebox

    @MissMina well from what I have heard from guys a girl can be wack in bed if she: doesn’t do what he likes (oral sex, anal, doggy style, etc), if she just lays there, if she talks too much during..

  • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

    @MoodIndigo
    I know we are in the minority, but I co-sign. I don’t believe in the “test drive” theory either.

    @MissMina LOL @ The three S’s. I am not mad at all.

    @Janine the link is funny!!

  • Spring

    LOL@ goalawal HILL-AR-I-OUS!

  • dwillwrite

    Why would you want a girl to go down on you or vice versa and you know little or nothing about her? You don’t know what she has or who she just had. Y’all take a lot of risks. Are there anyone women on this blog who believe in being courted before sex or is that passe’?

  • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

    @AlongCameStacey
    EXACTLY! 2 people don’t know they speak the same language until the open their mouths. While the basics are the same, dude may like how i use my tongue and next dude might not.

    So while we all hope 1st time sex is going to be off the charts, the more realistic hope is that it’s good enough to warrant a repeat. And for the dudes that hit & run..that’s why you miss out on morning sex.

    I’ve had some fantabulous sex in my day, but I can count on one hand how many times the 1st time sex has been explosive. Sigh..I miss that dude. lol.

  • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

    MissMina :Men irk me with not being able to “put their finger on” why a woman was good or bad in bed. This leads me to believe that it is possibly all in their heads (if you disagree, prove me wrong by giving me tangible evidence). Unlike men, women are not confused about what makes a good experience. The three S’s:
    SIZE. STROKE. STAMINA.
    Case Closed.

    DEAD @ the 3’s. Im sooo stealing this!! ; )

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    @dwillwrite
    Following my overly ignorant (yet enlightened) comment earlier… I must add that I strongly believe in getting to know someone first. even in my partying days I would not tolerate a first date romp in the sack. But as I am becoming a more mature Christian woman, I am learning that chasing good sex is pointless, really guys, like someone mentioned earlier, sex might be the easiest thing to improve when it comes to compatibility. Try looking for something like character, or honesty — something that you can’t teach or attain.

  • CB2

    Why is it that when men identify an issue with a woman, her immediate reaction is to make it about the man.

    ‘she is bad in bed’ a woman’s response ‘well maybe the man didnt bring it’

    ‘all women cheat’ a woman’s response ‘well men do it as well’

  • Newbie99

    @dwillwrite
    That whole test drive thing only applies to cars. You can’t teach a car to fit your needs (that doesn’t even make sense).
    Its not passe, its just doesn’t go in line with our “I want it now” urges. If more people got to know each other (even if its just for a little bit) before jumping in bed, we’d save ourselves from the numerous failed relationships and “oops” babies. Physical intimacy does a lot to cloud people’s judgment.

  • ATLs.Marc.of.Excellence

    Been down that bad sex road b4, even gave her another shot at it, and it was not a good look. I imagine bad sex/pu$$y varies from person to person, but tellin’ me that you got that thy-yow, when all you do is lay there trying to catch your breath the entire time registers as bad sex for me. I do agree that you should know a long-term relationship/partner as intimately as possible, and there is only one way to get there (safely, mind you). But if your “A” game registers as an “Incomplete” to me, you most def ain’t gettin no call backs

  • http://womanofcolor.wordpress.com brownivyx

    “In the conversations I have had with all the men I know who settle down, one of the common denominators I notice is the women with whom they are settling down is the sex is off the hook.”

    I often suspect this when I see couples together who clearly have no business being trying to turn it into a forever thing (or even a dinner thing really lol), but I always try to chalk it up to my own cynicism.

    I find this curious, as I have plenty of female friends for whom this is *not* the case, who are willing to work with a man and teach him if he has other qualities that fall in line with her needs, even though for women, the sex is JUST as important. Maybe it’s that nurturing (read: settling) thing that women supposedly have…or our predilection to connect sex and emotion. Then again…I’ve seen these very same women do some stupid, stupid things for men who knew how to install the cable, men they really cared nothing for beyond the bedsheets. *shrugs* For me, as someone who long ago attempted the whole “being with a guy for which there was no sexual chemistry” thing with disastrous results, I consider at least *noteworthy* sex to be a part of the package, anything less being a deal-breaker and a one-way trip to the friend zone.

    And, for the record, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that it take TWO people (in a 2 person situation) to have good time. If folks aren’t hanging off of balconies or waking the neighbors, it *is* possible that it ain’t just the lady’s fault. I’m just sayin’.

  • BoomShots

    Listen sometime sex is whack with some people no matter how great a person they may be. It could be because they are not good at it, yeah some folks are not good and may never be good because it not something they spend too much time thinking about.

    Sometimes its just a wrong connection, so you tried it, it did not work and that was the end of that . Why stretch out a bad thing!!

    I thing the sex being whack as a reason to no longer call is generally when their is very little relationahip history and se was the precursor to anything else really popping off. After all I don’t know too many men who started a relationship precipitated by bad sex but many have because of good sex.

    I had the unfortunate experience to not calling a woman after sex but I think she thought it was because I got what I wanted, her voicemail to me was “I was going to rock your world”. The sex was fine, not great but good enough to go back but she just said one too many stupid things in our drive afterwards to make me think, damn I could end up having stupid kids with this woman, so I better stop right now.

  • animalbehavior

    I literally just died! That was the best. I am ashamed to say I never thought of that. I basically thought guys would have sex with any woman again out of desperation.. Hmm, that still seems true but it makes sense that woman would be bad, just like men..

  • bbop

    @dwillwrite
    i’m with you!

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com M. Hendricks

    Upon reading this I was about to put, well that’s never happened to me, then I read other women’s comments and decided against it. I think that it is a ligitmate <== spellcheck, reason for men to stop calling and women are in denial that they're sex can be bad. I was once one of those women who felt that since men get off anyway during sex, how can they have bad sex? Then I entered college and learned the latter. Good read and very refreshing!