Five Things That Only Happen To Couples In Movies
When I was a virgin, I used to watch movies and wonder how after two people had sex they could just act like they didn’t have sex. “If that was me,” I thought. “I’d be jumping around and celebrating like I just caught a touchdown pass.”
Then I lost my virginity and realized how easy it was to act like something never happened as we’re leaving the place where we just got it in. Suffice to say, that is perhaps the only true-to-life thing I’ve seen between two people in the movies. Most of the other stuff two people do in a movie only looks good on screen or as we like to say, only happens in movies. Here are five of them.
SHOWER SEX IS GOOD SEX
Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong, but as many times as I’ve had sex in the shower, that is not great stuff. I mean, it’s good, but it’s not good like I see it in the movies. In the movies, it always looks so romantic, they’re never slipping or losing their grip. And the other thing I notice, the water always looks to be at a comfortable temperature. Meanwhile, in real life, most women I share showers with like their water hot as all hell, so as I’m trying to take care of business, I’m also adjusting the hot and cold water knobs so I can find my comfort zone. This is frustrating stuff.
WAKING UP TO FIX SOME BREAKFAST IN BED
I live in a one bedroom apartment, so noise from any part of my place is going to resonate throughout, but in movies, it doesn’t seem to matter the confines. Every time a man or a woman makes breakfast in bed, the other person remains asleep the entire time, and the person making the breakfast usually isn’t coming with just a bowl of cereal. They have coffee and things like pancakes and eggs and all this other stuff that make a lot of noise when we fix them. But every time I try to hook some breakfast up for my lady friend, she wakes up and tells me to go back to bed or comes in the kitchen and says things like, “I hope those eggs are not for me. I’m a vegan.”
THERE’S USUALLY SOME MUSIC GOING ON IN THE BACKGROUND WHEN THEY’RE DOING IT
No one does this anymore unless they’re accidentally getting it on to 106 & Park and I hope it stays that way. The problem with doing it to music is it tells on men. A man starts doing it when a song begins and you two are finished by the time the song ends. Had there been no music, she probably would’ve felt like she just ran a marathon, but since he decided to put on some music, she now knows he’s only good for the entire length of “Shut It Down” by Drake, which according to my iTunes, runs at 6:59 seconds.
I just don’t see how these are possible anymore. With Facebook and all the other ways we can research people, how is it possible to not know anything about the person we’ve been hooked up with. In movies, people are always nervous about the way someone looks or gets some sort of verbal description. In real life, if any of my boys said they wanted to set me up with a girl, I wouldn’t even ask her what she looked like, I’d just say, “Pull up her Facebook.”
WOMEN’S BRA AND UNDERWEAR ALWAYS MATCH
Fiction at its finest.