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Five Things That Only Happen To Couples In Movies

When I was a virgin, I used to watch movies and wonder how after two people had sex they could just act like they didn’t have sex. “If that was me,” I thought. “I’d be jumping around and celebrating like I just caught a touchdown pass.”

Then I lost my virginity and realized how easy it was to act like something never happened as we’re leaving the place where we just got it in. Suffice to say, that is perhaps the only true-to-life thing I’ve seen between two people in the movies. Most of the other stuff two people do in a movie only looks good on screen or as we like to say, only happens in movies. Here are five of them.

SHOWER SEX IS GOOD SEX

Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong, but as many times as I’ve had sex in the shower, that is not great stuff. I mean, it’s good, but it’s not good like I see it in the movies. In the movies, it always looks so romantic, they’re never slipping or losing their grip. And the other thing I notice, the water always looks to be at a comfortable temperature. Meanwhile, in real life, most women I share showers with like their water hot as all hell, so as I’m trying to take care of business, I’m also adjusting the hot and cold water knobs so I can find my comfort zone. This is frustrating stuff.

WAKING UP TO FIX SOME BREAKFAST IN BED

I live in a one bedroom apartment, so noise from any part of my place is going to resonate throughout, but in movies, it doesn’t seem to matter the confines. Every time a man or a woman makes breakfast in bed, the other person remains asleep the entire time, and the person making the breakfast usually isn’t coming with just a bowl of cereal. They have coffee and things like pancakes and eggs and all this other stuff that make a lot of noise when we fix them. But every time I try to hook some breakfast up for my lady friend, she wakes up and tells me to go back to bed or comes in the kitchen and says things like, “I hope those eggs are not for me. I’m a vegan.”

THERE’S USUALLY SOME MUSIC GOING ON IN THE BACKGROUND WHEN THEY’RE DOING IT

No one does this anymore unless they’re accidentally getting it on to 106 & Park and I hope it stays that way. The problem with doing it to music is it tells on men. A man starts doing it when a song  begins and you two are finished by the time the song ends. Had there been no music, she probably would’ve felt like she just ran a marathon, but since he decided to put on some music, she now knows he’s only good for the entire length of “Shut It Down” by Drake, which according to my iTunes, runs at 6:59 seconds.

BLIND DATES

I just don’t see how these are possible anymore. With Facebook and all the other ways we can research people, how is it possible to not know anything about the person we’ve been hooked up with. In movies, people are always nervous about the way someone looks or gets some sort of verbal description. In real life, if any of my boys said they wanted to set me up with a girl, I wouldn’t even ask her what she looked like, I’d just say, “Pull up her Facebook.”

WOMEN’S BRA AND UNDERWEAR ALWAYS MATCH

Fiction at its finest.

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  • Mischa

    Rubber Shower mats in the bathroom makes shower sex so much easier! Not to mention if you have a jacuzzi tub! But you have to think about the logistics too.,If dude is 6’5” and you are all of 5’4” then the shower might not be the best place for y’all.

    Breakfast in bed? Sure..after we both wake up and I ask him what he wants to eat. Props to him if he wants to go to the Cracker Barrel!! lol

    Background music is great for putting a little rythym (sp) in the groove.

    Matching undies. having an undewear drawer full of mostly black really makes coordinating a no brainer. For every lacy bra, there will defntly be a matching (or semi matching) bottom. Same for the cotton ones too!

    @inquiring minds- Girl you still cracking me up and I see you found a partner in crime in goalawal
    @goalawal- You crack me up too!

  • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

    @**inquiring mind**
    Oh, it was a song. Ok, come out the corner lol.

  • tamarind

    I thought everyone did it to music. I need some background noise even if it’s just the tv. I feel retarded now.

  • Doesn’t Matter

    The celebrating having sex scene happens in (500) Days of Summer FYI. Pretty good movie if you haven’t seen it.

  • http://yahoo namia

    Bathroom sex that is soooo true.. and i thought i was the problem, hilarious post Jozen

  • Ondrea

    This is funny. I love music in the background but it never occured to me to time how long the sex lasted based on the song. When I was married, I used to look at the clock when we started and when we finished to time how long he lasted. We usually had the t.v. on. If we had used music instead, I would have had that to distract me from looking at the clock! LOL

  • Miss. Riss

    I’d just say, “Pull up her Facebook.”

    Just last night me and the dude I’m seeing were trying to find his friend a potential date for our double date this weekend, when I told him I didn’t have pictures of all my single friends, he said, ” pull them up on facebook “.

  • superwoman

    ha ha – EXCELLENT post! i hate having sex in any kind of bathroom, situation (shower/bath) , actually – just awkward and cramped. as for the music, i disagree!!! it’s great with the advent of ipods and stuff, when the guy sets the music so it can just go on and on and on and on and on and on…. *bliss*

  • Felisha

    This was a great post! I enjoy having music playing in the background, I’ve never compare how long the sex was happening to the music being played.

    “Pull her up on facebook”…so true to much technology to truly go on a blind date.

  • Mrs Smiley Face

    Hey hey now…my undies always match, I buy them that way

  • ericka

    Sex in the shower is HILARIOUS!!! It’s dangerous, too. And I feel extra stupid with the shower cap on. That can’t be sexy.
    Background music is awesome. I’ve even had my iPod playing (with the earbuds in) because I’m literally rocking to a beat…motivation, you see.

  • Tex In The City

    This is how I know I am old. The last time a friend of mine was talking about shower sex the only thing I could think to say was, “Sounds dangerous!”

  • http://naturallyalise.com/blog Naturally Alise

    The shower is a disaster for my coordination deficient life… very Lemony Snicket in nature! But I do the music thing, not all the time but a pretty good percentage.

  • http://www.michellesmanifesto.tumblr.com Michelle

    love the post!

  • http://liferequiresmorechocolate.com Tiffany

    ah c’mon we still wear matching sets or close to matching sets. Shower sex is fun but lke you said sloppy, you have to be willing to move from that location to another without losing momentum. Breakfast is cute, but can be hell if someone can’t cook and pancakes look more like hockey pucks. Music is fun especially if a guy gets into the rhythm of the song, but can keep it going on the next track. Even if I have seen a pic and know a lil about you it’s still a blind date because that pic can be old as hell. I have seen it happen.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

  • Amber

    lol all these things are so true!!!! Yes and the shower is never good

  • Daniel E. Rodgers

    WOMEN’S BRA AND UNDERWEAR ALWAYS MATCH” Like death and taxes…something you can always count on!