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Five Things That Only Happen To Couples In Movies

When I was a virgin, I used to watch movies and wonder how after two people had sex they could just act like they didn’t have sex. “If that was me,” I thought. “I’d be jumping around and celebrating like I just caught a touchdown pass.”

Then I lost my virginity and realized how easy it was to act like something never happened as we’re leaving the place where we just got it in. Suffice to say, that is perhaps the only true-to-life thing I’ve seen between two people in the movies. Most of the other stuff two people do in a movie only looks good on screen or as we like to say, only happens in movies. Here are five of them.

SHOWER SEX IS GOOD SEX

Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong, but as many times as I’ve had sex in the shower, that is not great stuff. I mean, it’s good, but it’s not good like I see it in the movies. In the movies, it always looks so romantic, they’re never slipping or losing their grip. And the other thing I notice, the water always looks to be at a comfortable temperature. Meanwhile, in real life, most women I share showers with like their water hot as all hell, so as I’m trying to take care of business, I’m also adjusting the hot and cold water knobs so I can find my comfort zone. This is frustrating stuff.

WAKING UP TO FIX SOME BREAKFAST IN BED

I live in a one bedroom apartment, so noise from any part of my place is going to resonate throughout, but in movies, it doesn’t seem to matter the confines. Every time a man or a woman makes breakfast in bed, the other person remains asleep the entire time, and the person making the breakfast usually isn’t coming with just a bowl of cereal. They have coffee and things like pancakes and eggs and all this other stuff that make a lot of noise when we fix them. But every time I try to hook some breakfast up for my lady friend, she wakes up and tells me to go back to bed or comes in the kitchen and says things like, “I hope those eggs are not for me. I’m a vegan.”

THERE’S USUALLY SOME MUSIC GOING ON IN THE BACKGROUND WHEN THEY’RE DOING IT

No one does this anymore unless they’re accidentally getting it on to 106 & Park and I hope it stays that way. The problem with doing it to music is it tells on men. A man starts doing it when a song  begins and you two are finished by the time the song ends. Had there been no music, she probably would’ve felt like she just ran a marathon, but since he decided to put on some music, she now knows he’s only good for the entire length of “Shut It Down” by Drake, which according to my iTunes, runs at 6:59 seconds.

BLIND DATES

I just don’t see how these are possible anymore. With Facebook and all the other ways we can research people, how is it possible to not know anything about the person we’ve been hooked up with. In movies, people are always nervous about the way someone looks or gets some sort of verbal description. In real life, if any of my boys said they wanted to set me up with a girl, I wouldn’t even ask her what she looked like, I’d just say, “Pull up her Facebook.”

WOMEN’S BRA AND UNDERWEAR ALWAYS MATCH

Fiction at its finest.

Categories: dating, guys, on something, women Tags:
  • Christina

    Do you mean bra + underwear matching? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do daily? #mamataughtmeright

  • dbaby11

    #4 and #5…. spot on!!!! giggles*

  • Dee

    The funniest post this month. You’re a relationship comedian I swear. I’ve made breakfast before and I think the smell is what wakes the guy up (I’m careful not to make any noise). The music in the background has happened (itunes playlist) and believe me my mind has wandered mid *ahem*. The underwear matching was the cherry on top. LMAO! I always shop in sets but there are days when I don’t plan on seeing him so I confess I’ve had unmatchable days. LOVE THIS POST A+ JOZEN!!!

  • http://twitter.com/negresse82 Stephanie

    I just love you!!!!! You keep it one hundred every day!!!!!
    #1 Shower Sex- Tried it and it never worked out…too many complications and not even worth it.
    #2 Breakfast in bed- that shyt is so not true..but i do make a mean breakfast..always the same everytime though— eggs, sausage, toast and something to drink… if a man woke up to make breakfast for me..I would be too excited to say no!!!!
    #3 background music- personally i think its distracting…no music needed to get it on!!! the news could be playing in the background for all i care. I never thought about timing in correlation with the song unless it was bad sex..LOL!
    #4 blind date— FB is the TRUTH!!!!!
    #5 matching underwear: I do try at the BEGINNING… but other than that..i make sure it looks good and thats it!!! Its coming off anyway!!!!

  • MoopsZ

    lmao! You actually cooked breakfast… wow. Hmm… I have the luxury of having a bakery nearby my place, and a couple of brunch places nearby.
    *No music in the background? I guess you don’t worry too much about neighbors. I keep a playlist on my ipod…. And a remote control by my bedside…

  • Theryl

    Yes we like our water HOT and I was wondering what happened to the music? Another Man Law exposed! Lol. Lol. Good post Jozen!

  • http://www.metanotherfrog.com/blog Skye Blue

    Love this list, but…

    Re the music thing – if a woman has time to focus on how long her man’s performance was by comparing it to the length of the songs playing in the background, she can’t possibly be putting in the work she needs to in the bedroom. Which means she’s got no business complaining about how short (or long) a time her man worked the middle.

    Just sayin’

  • http://bubblyblackgirl.wordpress.com Renae

    “WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR ALWAYS MATCH: Fiction at its finest.”

    ROTFLMAO!

  • ChiChi

    You’re right about the fixing breakfast part. My S/O fixed me breakfast in bed not too long ago and I heard everydamnthing he did in the kitchen. I mean, not that I couldn’t halfway sleep through it personally, but you get what I’m saying.

    And CDFLMAOOOOO! @ underwear matching. My shit NEVER does unless I make and effort for it to match.

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  • http://reformedsoutherngal.blogspot.com KitKatCuty84

    1: The men I’ve been with have enjoyed shower sex immensely, but it’s never been the right angle to get ME there.

    2: If I wanna make my dude breakfast in bed (and I have a 1BR too), I just close the bedroom door. And no, I don’t make pancakes, but I do make eggs and some kind of breakfast meat. Smoothies are out, though.

    3: I do put music on during the act, but I could care less what it is as long as it drowns out my screaming. So, Jozen, I think you’re safe, LOL.

    4: I was just thinking about that. My gf and I went to hang out with some of her male friends and before I was OK’d to come along, she had to snap a pic of me on her bberry. That blind date stuff ended after the 90s. I would’ve enjoyed it, though. 🙂

    5: My LINGERIE matches (as in the stuff I wear when I have a hot date). My underwear certainly does not.

  • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

    in re: shower sex. you’ve been doing it wrong then. #thatisall 🙂

  • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

    Everything just got real for me Jozen! Mental notes…

    1. I was wondering about shower sex. That’s just funny and makes sense. I LOVE hot water to the point my curls in my hair fall even with a shower cap! Besides I would be more of a tub gal myself:)

    2. LOL, I thought breakfast in bed would just be so romantic. Yea, everything would have to be perfect timing and that just does not happen in real life.

    3. OK, so I am very very sensual and LOVE music. Usually the music I enjoy is “baby making” LOVE songs so being a virgin I always think of how great it will be to finally have sex to my favorite song. So this would be a disappointment for me! “Shut It Down” is sexy as hell!

    4. True! There is no such thing as blind dates any more. Also, folks can’t say they don’t know someone either. Facebook tells on everyone LOL!

    5. I always wondered if matching undergarments was a big deal to men.

    Excellent blog post today!!

  • **inquiring mind**

    Water + Chex = Splackavellie… #thatisall

  • goalawal

    If there is anything telling of this post it’s THIS – @kitkatCuty8, @reccie AND anyone else that claims they love SHOWER SEX, LOVE it because it’s RAW SEX… NO CONDOM SEX… that’s the only way shower sex is enjoyable outside of the other reason jozen listed that makes it ridiculous
    @kitkatcuty{“The men I’ve been with have enjoyed shower sex immensely”} Come clean… (in #ODB voice)… is that cos they like it raw.. I KID I KID… sike, sike nah,sike, sike nah!
    @reecie….. care to share how to do it right?

  • MsPrincessKey

    #1 I have to say I’ve never understood why people keep buy into the shower sex. It’s never turns out right or well like it does in the movies and tv.
    #2 You’re right breakfast in bed always sounds like a good idea but I think it should be left up to hotel room service, people with large homes, people without a since of smell, and people who sleep heavily.
    3# I still play music during sex but it’s purely for the neighbors because without it we will get knocks on the door, police calls, and banging on the walls.
    4# Real blind dates ended when the internet was invented and we could send pictures.
    5# My lingerie always matches, it’s lingerie. My regular everyday underwear usually (100%) matches my shirt. I’m not sure why I do it but I do

  • **inquiring mind**

    @goalawal Why you tryna put folks on blast? *cough, clears throat* ok everyone on here is an adult and knows the IMPORTANCE of safe chex… GOODNESS- you so d@mn messy! ugh!

  • http://lisatimberlake.blogspot.com Lisa

    LOOOVE IT.. all soo truuue!! lol 😉

  • goalawal

    @ inquiring mind smh @ Splackavellie. “Every woman needs that 1 splakeville, a bro she can call when her man ain’t doing her right… You can work it all night until the morning light”…
    lol… Really @ inquiring mind ?

  • http://ktcheval.wordpress.com KB

    1. Not a fan of shower sex. It’s just not fun when I’m trying not to slip, fall, and bust my arse the whole time. Kinda defeats the purpose.
    2. I don’t like to eat in bed and I don’t like anyone else eating in my bed, so that’s not gonna happen, either.
    3. Music definitely tells on men, haha. My very first time it was Lucy Pearl (that wasn’t planned)…we started at Dance Tonight and ended with Good Love, which it wasn’t, but hey, we were young….*shrug* Most of the time I wouldn’t be paying attention to the music anyway, unless the sex sucks. The problem for me with music is that I’ll never hear a particular song again without remembering what I was doing the last time I heard it. That goes for Snoop’s Sensual Seducation (*smh*) and the Isley Brother’s Voyage to Atlantis (*sigh*)…among others. I’m gonna stop here. Ok, one more thing…a lot of good stuff can take place in just 6 minutes and 59 seconds…
    4. Part of the reason why I hate facebook.
    5. Nope. My everyday underwear does not, under any circumstances, match. I have big boobs and an odd size, so I have to buy ugly, expensive bras to hold them up. Victoria’s Secret does absolutely nothing for me. And matching bra/panty sets for my size cost a ridiculous amount of money. RE-diculous. I save the matching for my lingerie, which is much easier on my wallet.

  • http://yesijukebox.blogspot.com Yesi Jukebox

    LMAO! I loved this post.. I’ve had pretty good shower sex so I can’t agree with you on that, and no one has ever tried to make me breakfast while I was still asleep but the gesture is appreciated anyway lol..music is definitely distracting and so not needed, unless the tv is on or we just snuck off at a party for a quick one I only want to hear US. As for the underwear thing, forget matching unless I’m trying to impress with something lacy. As long as my underwear is clean and the right fit we should be good to go lol

  • Maria

    #1 Yes, it is overated

    #2 Breakfast in a 1BR can be made quietly if there is enuogh distance between the bedroom and the kitchen.

    #3 Music may be a starter but if things are going right who is really listening to the words.

    #4 I have heard of blind dates in the 2000s but none of them turned out well.

    #5 I do my best but honestly does it really matter. Very rarely do they both come off at the same time and in the dark does anyone really care. Not so much.

  • Erica

    This is the cutest! 🙂

  • **inquiring mind**

    @goalawal LOL… seriously? For why do you even know the lyrics? Someone has their “judgemental hat” tied up TIGHT today huh? The nerve of you throwing stones. I mean ain’t you the same dude that said…
    goalawal :My top 5 compliments women should learn 2 appreciate and NOT question if u give me great head, u will feel me… and then hear my toes crack or _______ (okay y’alll catch my drift).. No need to look @ me for a ur doing great nod… keep going to work…. All that noise making during sex or oral is only in the pornos

    Yeah, way to be a role-model for the kids goalawal! *thumbs up*

  • BoomShots

    #1 Shower Sex- done it, several time, always been requested by women though…always had a fear of slipping in shower and injuring myself while having sex. Especially since I am a fairly big guy and most showers are really small.
    #2 Breakfast in bed- One of the great benefits of women spending the night is the great breakfast I prepare. Omelet, turkey sausage and platanos. then we can get back in bed.

    #3 background music- I have done the background music more than once. Its specifically great if its a mixed playlist, I prepare especially for her. Gets her feeling a little more lascivious
    #4 blind date— Only blind date I ever had was set up by moms and she did it by inviting the dinner over to my birthday dinner. Nice enough but was not my type.

    #5 matching underwear: I would be lying if I said I never noticed. I do, with a mother and 2 older sisters growing up, I am actually very aware of those things. Had one particular GF was was a stickler for the matching sets. But she was very particular about things always being in order. it was cute and I have come to realize how rare that is…I miss her orderly ways.

    I will continue to say that the worse thing that ever happened to love and relationships is Hollywood. Too many of us have bought into the fantasy. Actual sex has been altered by teh prevalence of porn. Nowadays you meet women who right of the bat are raunchier than porn stars. Maybe I am old fashion but can we at least wait til like the 3rd time before you show me the upside down reverse cowboy move. I am just saying.

  • goalawal

    @inquiring mind.. i goggled splakeville… i came to the U.S in 1999 so i had no idea.. We aren’t taking things personal are we.. I’m merely enjoy reading your comments as well as others, which i why i directly comment to ppl…

    Role Model i am NOT!!!! if u’ve have been ticked by me; accept my humble & apologizes as that was NEVER my intention. …

  • goalawal

    **humble and sincere apology**

  • **inquiring mind**

    @goalawal
    Are you serious? What are you apologizing for? This is just silly interwebs banter… Ion’t give a isht about what y’all say MAN! #thickskinbaby… I’m cracking-up right now! Me ticked? o_O… please enuff with da sorries…

    back to your regularly scheduled programming

  • goalawal

    Lmfao! i hate u NOW… i like to be respectful of ppl ish and this right here is the house that jozenc built… just wanna make sure i aint starting no ish… but since WE are cool… i’m o in your honor go in some more on today’s post….

  • Miss. Riss

    Love it! Your funny posts are the best!

    I wish men would get over this bra and panties matching thing. I try, but its not possible all the damn time. Especially when its relationship sex, who knows when its going down. Casual sex, you usually know, so you can prepare.

  • mentos

    Matching bra and underwear? Sweetie I am trying to make it to work on time…u better hope I remember to put both on! Great post!

  • http://www.heaven-wbc.blogspot.com HEAVEN

    YOU FORGOT…..

    In the morning after sex, they always look refreshed AND.. they have the nerve to kiss each other in the mouth AND sometimes with tongue…. that’s gross…

    I’ve been married 3 years… LOVE my hubby.. but I’m not kissing dude in the mouth first thing in the morning… I’m just sayin…

  • Sean Parker

    Great post. You had me weak from the opening. Keep doing yor thing bro.

  • http://yesijukebox.blogspot.com Yesi Jukebox

    @BoomShots I completely agree that Hollywood has killed love and relationships..people are so unrealistic nowadays about what should be going on between two people. Seems a lot of people can’t tell reality from fantasy. And also “Nowadays you meet women who right of the bat are raunchier than porn stars.” thanks for pointing out this misconception that dudes love this because I know females who try WAY too hard and then wonder why dude doesn’t seem so interested anymore.

  • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

    @**inquiring mind**
    LMBO! What is Splackavellie?

    @ BoomShots
    I am going to your house just for the breakfast:) I agree with your comment about Hollywood. I have learned that when I watch a movie it is just that, a movie. When the director says cut real life begins.

  • http://www.girlsarethenewboys.blogspot.com mouf.peace

    daaaamn, i got a tiny shower too lol

    and damn no music? what if u live in an in-law and the walls are really, really thin? oh who am i kidding. that never drowns out the noise. and i suppose it would be awkward for itunes shuffle to play hit ’em up during foreplay …

  • **inquiring mind**

    @Natasha lol… ok, if I’m completely honest (not just 85.6%)… Ion’t really know fo’ real either. Like, so I thought of the shower and water being wet and dhen chex and dhen the sound of water wit chex and dhen… spak? *shrug*… I know *goes to sit in corner*

  • http://loveisdope.wordpress.com/ Love Is Dope

    Shower sex is definitely overrated and for me it is all about water temperature. I like my water to be kinda lava-like temp-wise and hubby likes his arctic. Any in-between temp would be uncomfortable for both of us, so I’ll pass. Plus, my shower is my time to think and be alone.

    As for the music, I do keep that in mind! LOL I have a “Naked” playlist that I change often. If I have something ummm special in mind, I use my playlist to help me create the mood I’m going for from moment to moment. Fast to slow, booty poppin to slow jammin, etc. I think about the playlist as a whole with my ummm goals. Of course iTunes tells you how long your playlist is in terms of minutes, so if my Naked playlist is XX minutes and XX seconds long and it starts over, I know I did a good job all the way around. 🙂

  • http://forthementallyinclinedones.blogspot.com Pascale

    Hilarious! This really had me rolling lol

  • Cocofro212

    1) Shower sex is not that great. Someone usually ends up under the water too long, someone loses grip and you kinda lose the mood, or edn up cracking up about it for trying.
    For those that claim “you’re doing it wrong” ummm lemme quote MC Breed “There ain’t no future in your frontin”

    2) I enjoy getting up and making breakfast. Im kinda glad when he wakes up so I can ask what he would rather have this morning. Then get back in bed, turn on Justice League, eat and mellow in last night’s high……

    3) Background music is happenstance IMO. The TV is usually on, and depending on what time of the year, Sportscenter is playing. Nothing says sexy times like the Sportscenter theme lol
    It gets turned off eventually of course

    4) Jozen, I had to sit and think of how its been since I had a blind date. 4 years ago. It was last minute hook up. Dated the guy for 4 months, broke up, and he tried to sue me for emotional distress. I wont take a “blind date” ever again.

    5) Only my lingerie matches. Im glad men dont mind.

    PeAce Love Soul

  • http://www.MonicaMingo.com CreoleInDC

    Was just talking about the shower thing yesterday. It’s soooooooooo not a good thing. ROFL!

  • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

    @**inquiring mind**
    LMBO! I can’t! Wait, you had me thinkin’ and you didn’t know either?! Girl you are crazy!

  • http://www.my28cents.com my28cents

    Shower sex is overrated but can be still good stuff depending on a few things:
    1. the creativity of you and the person you’re having sex with.
    2. you and your mate enjoy the same water temperature, otherwise forget about it.
    3. the type of shower/tub you’re in.

    I think it helps if you start outside of the shower and finish there.

    lingerie
    You know, I really don’t care of course, but for some reason my brain always registers this and says “hey, her bra and underwear don’t match.”

  • Lexi

    LMAOOO ok I do NOT agree that shower sex is overrated… The best sex I’ve ever had was in the shower! But it did help that it was a BIG *ss shower!!!! And I dunno bout anyone else,but when chopped and screwed music was super big here in Texas EVERYONE had a mixtape with their favorite f*ck music! Plus my man always had roommates, or I had one, so we always had to have something to cover up the noise. I WILL admit that when I had a roommate, we would play the dream’s love vs money cd when someone when into their room, and by remembering which song they ended on we would giggle or be in awe lmao…. You was a G if you came out the room after the cd had to start over….

  • Danni

    @Lexi

    Thank you! I need to know what exactly it is everybody else is doing that makes them not enjoy shower sex?!? Who cares about water temperature, we’re about to have sex in the shower! I’m risking getting my hair wet so we can have sex…in the shower!

  • **inquiring mind**

    @Natasha
    Well hold on now… in my own defense I did know it was a song #Fin… lol

  • http://www.my28cents.com my28cents

    @Lexi
    Definitely need music if you have roommates. Then again one of my former roommates once said to me “dude, we know what you’re doing in there. No need to cover it up with music at 1am.”

  • Reecie

    @Cocofro212

    uhm yeah so. no frontin over here. but its clearly not for everybody. and that’s okay.

  • OC

    maybe if you planned a little better. sex in the shower would be better. u set the temp. have a chair inside. whatever you might need to make it easier on yourself. and THEN bring her inside the shower.

  • http://www.thechocl8tdiaries@wordpress.com Chocl8t

    I was in agreement with you until the last one….my bra and panties ALWAYS match! I’m not a mismatch kind of woman. LOL