Five Things Women Say To Turn Men On That Don’t Work
Guys don’t like sexy talk, they like dirty talk. Or wait, no, let me change that. I don’t know what all guys like, I know I like dirty talk and can’t stand sexy talk. What’s the difference? Glad you asked.
Dirty talk is the kind of thing that would make your parents ears bleed with horror. It’s the kind of sentences and phrases that would make your friends blush and give a cop who overheard reason to profile you on the grounds you might be a prostitute. It’s almost uncomfortable and only appropriate on the set of an adult film. I like dirty talk, but my family reads this blog, so you all can forget about me giving out any examples. But I will say this, with dirty talk, it’s graphic to the point where those who are on the receiving end of it, can actually imagine what is being said to them.
Sexy talk, on the other hand, is what some girls think is dirty talk but really isn’t. Nobody would be shocked if they heard the sexy talk, at most they might suggest to quiet down and get a room. But sexy talk is never shameful, and thus for me, never effective. Today, five examples of sexy talk women think is effective, but really not.
“I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR TONIGHT”
Famous last words, ladies. I’m not saying I don’t like to hear such things, but this is less like sexy talk and more like trash talk. This sounds like something our coach back in little league or pop warner would say right before he ordered us to run two miles. And it’s all this pressure. What if I’m not ready for tonight? What if tonight I felt like chilling out and not having sex? This is why when a woman usually tells me something along the lines of this phrase, I usually respond by saying, “Why? What’s happening tonight? We got a fire drill at the apartment?”
“I HAVE THE PLACE TO MYSELF” or “MY ROOMMATES ARE GONE FOR THE WEEKEND”
For all the girls who have roommates and think no roommates is going to get me excited, think again. Here’s a question: What are we going to do at her place minus the roommates that we haven’t done when her roommates were there? Let me guess, do it with the door open? Oooh, yeah because all those other times we did it with the door closed, I was really holding back and now that we can do it with the doors open, I’m about to really set things off. Or maybe, because the roommates are out of town, we can now do it in their room too on some freaky Goldilocks and The Three Bears type stuff. That’s certainly freaky to me, but it’s also rude as hell. So let’s be reasonable and skip the semantics of who is out of town. We both know it makes no difference if the roommates are out of town or asleep in the other room because every time the latter has been the case, we just close the door and do what we have to do.
“I MADE YOU YOUR FAVORITE MEAL”
Women, I appreciate the gesture of making my favorite meal, but I know when a woman is pulling out stops like these, it’s because she’s expecting me to come with dessert at the end. Fair enough, I suppose. She wanted to start off an evening of passionate lovemaking with my favorite meal (tacos), but here’s the problem. Unless she has portion control, I’m going to eat so much of my favorite meal, the only thing I’m going to want to do afterward is lay down and watch last night’s episode of Entourage I missed. So women, understand while the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, it’s also the quickest way to the couch and a nap.
“I’M ABOUT TO GET IN THE SHOWER, I’LL LEAVE THE DOOR UNLOCKED”
A little context: This is usually said when we’re making plans to get together and I’m headed over to her place. She drops her voice a little, adds some air to it, and says, “I’m about to get in the shower.” Well, that doesn’t make me exactly put on the jet pack and get over quick, fast, and in a hurry. When a woman tells me she’s about to get in the shower, the only reason why I’m excited is because there’s three minutes left in this game I’m watching, and her shower time is giving me a cushion. Besides, I’ve tried the whole, just-come-in-the-door’s-open thing and it’s always a fail. Every time I’ve done it, the woman comes out of the shower and seems to have totally forgotten she invited me over, so she screams at the top of her lungs when she finds me on the couch waiting for her. This is why I’ll be late for that.
“I WENT TO VICTORIA’S SECRET”
Look, the outfit I want a woman to wear has been worn by her since the day she was born. This is not me opposing lingerie, so much as it is a plea for women to stop telling and start showing instead. The fact is, the girl and I have probably been doing our thing for a month and some change, and she hasn’t worn a matching set of underwear since our first night. Oh well. No complaints out of me. But now she wants to try and spice things up by telling me she bought something in the same shed of red. Just surprise me with it. Don’t call me at work and say, “I went shopping and got me something special from Victoria’s Secret.” Getting something special for me is shopping at Foot Locker. So ladies, no need to talk about the trip to Victoria’s Secret. When I come home that night, open the door in whatever you bought, and let me say, “Oh someone went to Victoria’s Secret.” Then, say something dirty ladies.