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Five Things Women Say To Turn Men On That Don’t Work

Guys don’t like sexy talk, they like dirty talk. Or wait, no, let me change that. I don’t know what all guys like, I know I like dirty talk and can’t stand sexy talk. What’s the difference? Glad you asked.

Dirty talk is the kind of thing that would make your parents ears bleed with horror. It’s the kind of sentences and phrases that would make your friends blush and give a cop who overheard reason to profile you on the grounds you might be a prostitute. It’s almost uncomfortable and only appropriate on the set of an adult film. I like dirty talk, but my family reads this blog, so you all can forget about me giving out any examples. But I will say this, with dirty talk, it’s graphic to the point where those who are on the receiving end of it, can actually imagine what is being said to them.

Sexy talk, on the other hand, is what some girls think is dirty talk but really isn’t. Nobody would be shocked if they heard the sexy talk, at most they might suggest to quiet down and get a room. But sexy talk is never shameful, and thus for me, never effective. Today, five examples of sexy talk women think is effective, but really not.

“I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR TONIGHT”

Famous last words, ladies. I’m not saying I don’t like to hear such things, but this is less like sexy talk and more like trash talk. This sounds like something our coach back in little league or pop warner would say right before he ordered us to run two miles. And it’s all this pressure. What if I’m not ready for tonight? What if tonight I felt like chilling out and not having sex? This is why when a woman usually tells me something along the lines of this phrase, I usually respond by saying, “Why? What’s happening tonight? We got a fire drill at the apartment?”

“I HAVE THE PLACE TO MYSELF” or “MY ROOMMATES ARE GONE FOR THE WEEKEND”

For all the girls who have roommates and think no roommates is going to get me excited, think again. Here’s a question: What are we going to do at her place minus the roommates that we haven’t done when her roommates were there? Let me guess, do it with the door open? Oooh, yeah because all those other times we did it with the door closed, I was really holding back and now that we can do it with the doors open, I’m about to really set things off. Or maybe, because the roommates are out of town, we can now do it in their room too on some freaky Goldilocks and The Three Bears type stuff. That’s certainly freaky to me, but it’s also rude as hell. So let’s be reasonable and skip the semantics of who is out of town. We both know it makes no difference if the roommates are out of town or asleep in the other room because every time the latter has been the case, we just close the door and do what we have to do.

“I MADE YOU YOUR FAVORITE MEAL”

Women, I appreciate the gesture of making my favorite meal, but I know when a woman is pulling out stops like these, it’s because she’s expecting me to come with dessert at the end. Fair enough, I suppose. She wanted to start off an evening of passionate lovemaking with my favorite meal (tacos), but here’s the problem. Unless she has portion control, I’m going to eat so much of my favorite meal, the only thing I’m going to want to do afterward is lay down and watch last night’s episode of Entourage I missed. So women, understand while the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, it’s also the quickest way to the couch and a nap.

“I’M ABOUT TO GET IN THE SHOWER, I’LL LEAVE THE DOOR UNLOCKED”

A little context: This is usually said when we’re making plans to get together and I’m headed over to her place. She drops her voice a little, adds some air to it, and says, “I’m about to get in the shower.” Well, that doesn’t make me exactly put on the jet pack and get over quick, fast, and in a hurry. When a woman tells me she’s about to get in the shower, the only reason why I’m excited is because there’s three minutes left in this game I’m watching, and her shower time is giving me a cushion. Besides, I’ve tried the whole, just-come-in-the-door’s-open thing and it’s always a fail. Every time I’ve done it, the woman comes out of the shower and seems to have totally forgotten she invited me over, so she screams at the top of her lungs when she finds me on the couch waiting for her. This is why I’ll be late for that.

“I WENT TO VICTORIA’S SECRET”

And? So?

Look, the outfit I want a woman to wear has been worn by her since the day she was born. This is not me opposing lingerie, so much as it is a plea for women to stop telling and start showing instead. The fact is, the girl and I have probably  been doing our thing for a month and some change, and she hasn’t worn a matching set of underwear since our first night. Oh well. No complaints out of me. But now she wants to try and spice things up by telling me she bought something in the same shed of red. Just surprise me with it. Don’t call me at work and say, “I went shopping and got me something special from Victoria’s Secret.” Getting something special for me is shopping at Foot Locker. So ladies, no need to talk about the trip to Victoria’s Secret. When I come home that night, open the door in whatever you bought, and let me say, “Oh someone went to Victoria’s Secret.” Then, say something dirty ladies.

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  • http://www.twitter.com/hissoapbox Jayar Moten

    I DIED reading I went to Vicky Secrets. It so isn’t sexy anymore. Women buy pj’s body lotion and the pink line of underwear.

  • http://acceptonlythebest.blogspot.com Tierra

    well gah damn. i’ll find new shit to say, LOL. Thanks Jozen!

  • http://yesijukebox.blogspot.com Yesi Jukebox

    This whole post had me cracking up..actually i’m still laughing about the first one. “Why? What’s happening tonight? We got a fire drill at the apartment?” LOL. But thanks for putting me on to this. I usually define dirty talk by what would make me blush to say, but sometimes you gotta go there..

  • http://liferequiresmorechocolate.com Tiffany

    I am so happy my mind is in the gutter because those things are clearly not sexy at all. Men like to hear details. Like what you are about to them, how you want it, every kinky detail. Thank goodness for webcams and text messaging.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

  • MultipleHeart

    When I read the title of the post I was really excited…then I read the post…HUH??? These are not example of sexy talk that I use…maybe I have a dirty mind but the examples you posed is like everyday talk for me. Very matter of the fact.

    Sexy talk to me is when the intent is there, but there is a bit of guess. Dirty talk is straight up being blunt leaving nothing to the imagination but visions of the actions.

    Example- “I’m about to get in the shower, I’ll leave the door unlocked.”
    I would say- “I’m about to go soap up my body and get wet. Wanna rinse me off?”

    Not the greatest but, I haven’t had my morning coffee yet.

  • http://www.levelheadedchick.blogspot.com/ Level Headed Chick

    I am over here at work weak…esp with the shower and Vicky Secret sexy talk…..Maybe it was cute in our early 20s but late 20s…Just answer the door naked for goodness sake and keep it moving.

  • Angela

    Always hilarious! I’m so glad none of those apply to anything I’ve EVER said!

  • Rachel

    I always let a guy know I’ll leave the door unlocked if I’m jumping in the shower. Not for the sake of turning him on, just so I don’t have to jump out of the shower wet and soapy to unlock the door for him.

  • Spring

    LMAO @ the woman comin out of the shower and screamin!! Great post Jozen!

  • http://shygasm.blogspot.com Shy

    Hilarious! I love your blog!

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  • Theryl

    Dang Jozen!! Lmao! Sometimes we want to save sumn for the actual act. Ah well! Lol

  • Danielle

    I’m more of a dirty texter. Since I’m a closet freak and an erotica writer, I find that to be an easier way to communicate. lol Nothing like a dirty message in the middle of some boring training class to make the day just bit more perkier.

  • http://www.wellbehaveddontmakehistory.blogspot.com Miss Malorie

    *snaps fingers* Thanks for this list! I’ll take this into account… not that I’ve said anything like “my roommates are gone for the weekend…” *ahem*

  • http://www.wellbehaveddontmakehistory.blogspot.com Miss Malorie

    @Danielle

    I’m all for the dirty texts. Though too frequently they get me all worked up and then I have to deal with that shit all day… lol.

  • http://windmillperception.posterous.com Trudy

    ROFL. Back when I did actually date, I never said any of these things. I dunno…I never tried to “talk” sexy, it always felt stupid and intellectually beneath me. It’s funny since now you reveal these statements don’t work anyway.

    Hilarious blog.

  • Ondrea

    This was funny!!! I can’t decide which of the five was funnier. I needed that laugh this morning. Thanks Jozen.

  • http://sincerelyxo.wordpress.com Alexis

    Wow! I so wasn’t expecting something so hilarious this morning! You definitely shut the whole place down with this one! Thanks Jozen..
    .
    Now people know what not to say to you! Geez!

  • Miss. Riss

    I’m definitely taking notes on this post. Although, some examples of dirty talk would be great. Just for reference purposes you know.

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    “Look, the outfit I want a woman to wear has been worn by her since the day she was born.”
    BWA HA HA HA HA

  • http://www.falliblesage.com Fallible Sage

    LOL! Funny post. This “sexy talk” is on 70’s sitcom level… most of it sounds like the set up for a joke on three is company (picture a mislead Jack climbing into the shower with a horrified Mr. Furley, whose shower just so happened to be broken… or for those not up on 70’s sitcoms, Overton climbing into the shower with Regine, mistaking her for Synclaire, or William with Maya… you get the point or don’t own a TV).
    I don’t know if they even qualify as sexy talk, damn sure not dirty, or maybe I’ve just run across some nasty nays in my day.

  • http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ MadScientist7

    i agree with you on the lingerie thing. just surprise me. hell show up at my door with a trenchcoat, heels and lingerie underneath.

  • http://www.thechicagosupperclub.com alana

    Thank you Jozen….I have unfortunately used a few of these myself.

  • http://www.twitter.com/joannagenius joanna

    Jozen.

    Seriously.

    What the hell kind of mild mannered Penelope Pittstop little mermaid loving Rated-G women are you dating…

  • Cocofro212

    This post was hilarious!
    Some guys dont like a lot of talking, dirty or not.
    The whole favorite meal thing isnt ideal if you tryin to get down, especially when he gets the Itis. even waking hom up doesnt help when you get a stomach cramp……lol

    PeAce Love Soul

  • Dragonessa Fiore

    I dont consider any of those sexy talk really…but Ive been guilty of saying a couple of the things on your list here. Thanks for schoolin me 😉

  • fixedwater

    Spring :
    LMAO @ the woman comin out of the shower and screamin!! Great post Jozen!

    yeah i died a little too when i read that. how exactly did you forget? i have to admit i’ve made the statement about the shower but not with the intent you suggest. matter of fact it probably means take your time, because i am clearly not ready. in fact, to take it back to a recent post i agree that shower sex ain’t all that, so i’d rather shower alone, cause i’m prolly preppin ish and don’t need you around for that.

  • Dr. Diva

    Last night I opened the door in my Vicky’s & heels and now that I think about it, it probably would’ve been much less exciting if I had told him about it beforehand. When it comes to sexy/dirty talk, I’m closer to the Lil Kim end of the spectrum than to the Keke Palmer end.

  • http://www.twitter.com/project29 Nadine

    LOL I can’t breathe, I’m dying over here. Why? Cuz I’m guilty of TWO of the things listed. Now I know, thanks.

  • Mississ

    “Let me guess, do it with the door open? ” –literally made me scream with laughter! My neighbor stuck her head in my office door to ask me what’s going on!

  • http://Www.mysixcents.wordpress.com K. Lysha

    I’ve noticed that guys tend to want you to talk dirty to them in explicit terms. I on the other hand can sometimes be turned off/grossed out by really graphic sex talk. Plus I absolutely suck at it! I’ll refrain from giving an example of what I might try to pass off as dirty talk. I prefer for a guy to use subtle innuendo when describing his impure intentions. I see now that what works for me might not cut it for a guy. Maybe I should watch some porn with the volume turned off mute to get my game up.

  • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

    You are sooo silly! Every time I reread the post I keep laughing. Classic! The fav meal part made me think because in the movies dinner ends with sex. How many times have sitcoms done that? When the truth is most likely it ends with good t.v.

    Dirty talk is the business. That is all.

  • **inquiring mind**

    Basically if you can say it verbatim to yo Mama but with a different connotation and she not slap the black (or yellow *looking @ you Jozen* lol) off of you it’s DEFINTELY not dirty enough.

  • BoomShots

    Yeah, thats why I will take a dirty girl over a so called sexy looking girl anyday. She is always pushing the envelope and she got a bit of mischief in her game. Real good sex is a combination of technique and imagination.
    Plus, even if it sounds good, I don’t want to make love to you everytime and I hope you know that ….

  • Janine

    I want you to *bleep* the *bleep* out of my *bleeping* *bleep* until I can’t *bleeping* *bleep* and then *bleep* me on the *bleep* and *bleep* my *bleep*

  • Janine

    like that?

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    Janine :
    I want you to *bleep* the *bleep* out of my *bleeping* *bleep* until I can’t *bleeping* *bleep* and then *bleep* me on the *bleep* and *bleep* my *bleep*

    And speaking as one of Janine’s best friends…she is dead serious about this sentence. Yuck…

  • Janine

    @MissMina
    stop frontin’ amina you know i’m wholesome

  • Newbie

    For ladies that find it uncomfortable to talk dirty u mite want to ease into it via txt first & get your Porno watchin time up! Good post Jozen.

  • Kady

    Wait!…. So I when I say “I went to Victoria Secret , I hope your ready for tonight, I have the place all to myself and I made your favorite meal, just come on over, I’m about to get in shower, Ill leave the door unlocked” That’s not a turn on? WHAT!!!!
    J/K I would never say that ^ to entice a man.

  • http://www.lesliearnelle.com leslie arnelle

    lol!! thanks guy :)

  • Nadira Rae

    LOL…yeah, all these lines were pretty wack. “Oooooh baby I like it raaaaaw” seems to be the sentiment of most men when it comes to the “talking” lol.

  • ericka

    can’t stop laughing.

  • Ebony

    Kinda sad that we look to porn to learn how to talk during sex. Is art imitating life or the other way around….I personally love talking dirty when I’m inspired, but not so sure if I like it talked to me. The best that ever did it, spoke to me in French. Now that was HOT!

  • JCC

    The key to turning a guy on is to say the opposite of what you are really going to do and the element of surprise. I am 27 and I am pretty sure I have mastered this now the rest of you women need to do it too. I am not giving away my secret but it involves your mouth and not enough people do it *hint hint*

  • JCC

    I bet you will keep a man single and waiting…long distance, no distance, short distance, half way around the block, down the street or up the hill hahaaaa

  • WaxTransparent

    we (women) are so corny lol. sending this to all my girlfriends. thanks!

  • http://aproaching-women.net Phil

    Hilarious. Good distinction between sexy talk and dirty talk. At least the sexy talk lets you know she’s ready, that can be a major moment for some, when a woman lets her man know.

  • Kemz

    Bahahaha! Thank goodness I’ve never used any of these. I’m so with you on “sexy talk” – NOT a fan of it. Get to the point already! Dirty talk allll the way and please make it filthy, thanks.

    Still chucking at this post lol

  • citygirl22

    Yeah, Jozen… the examples you gave were only *mildly* suggestive. Personally, I favor filthy text sex. The best part is, you can save and re-read the exchanges to get yourself in the mood any time. The downside is, you’ve gotta be careful who has access to your phone. In fact, when my new phone got stolen at work a couple of years ago, I didn’t think about the cost of replacing it. My first thought was “noooooooo, they’ve got my sexts!!!” LMAO…….