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Poppin’ The Questions 10

I hit a wall folks.

Once again, after four straight days of writing, I can’t think of anything original or even semi-original to talk about today, so I’m going to default to my Formspring and dig up some questions to answer. This is actually my tenth poppin’ the questions, so kudos to you my beloved readers. Without your anonymous questions, I wouldn’t have been able to do a second poppin’ questions, let alone ten of them.

Today, a few more questions than usual and as always these are real questions from real people who are really anonymous.

I started talking to this guy in April and he has a baby on the way. He is not with the mother and the child is due in September. I will be going back to school, so to me the situation was oddly ideal. But feelings are appearing on both sides, what to do?

The word that stuck out to me the most about your question was “oddly” because you’re damn right it’s odd that this is an ideal situation for you. But hey, to each their own. I mean, if you’re going back to school, as in moving far away, even without a baby present, the distance is going to be somewhat of an issue. And if you’re staying close to home to go to school, well, there’s still the baby. My thought is, if you like the guy and he likes you back, you two will make it work no matter the issue and I know that may be a cliche thing to say, but oddly enough sometimes the cliche is the right thing to do.

How do you deal with a woman who starts out as a side chick with a boyfriend, but wants to act like your main lady and has no idea how to talk you in terms of expressing anger. (E.G.: ghetto arguments, name calling, etc) The kicker is the sex is GREAT.

So let me get this straight, this girl is your side chick and she has a boyfriend, which makes you a side insert-word-that-rhymes-with-chick-here? Since this is what I’m getting from your question, this is my answer.

No girl, whether she’s your main chick or your side chick, should be allowed to act ghetto and call you names. I wish a woman I’m dating on any level would call me a name. I wouldn’t even stand for that. Id just walk away because as far as I’m concerned, name calling is childish. I wouldn’t date a woman who wanted a happy meal, so why would I date a woman who acts the age of someone who orders happy meals? I wouldn’t even try to check her. I’d just leave. There’s no arguing with fools who call people names. Oh, and understand this, the only reason the sex is great is because she’s a side chick. Try to make it official and watch that flame go out.

There are plenty of women out there engaging in casual sex, especially in NYC. Why do guys feel the need to get with the few girls trying to be in relationships and trick them into having casual sex?

What a question. First of all “trick” is a strong word. If you’re getting hoodwinked into believing the person who wants to sleep with you wants more than a relationship, you’re not paying close enough attention. So I guess, my thing is, the reason why so many men are “tricking” (as you say) women into having casual sex is because it’s working? And if you spotted a guy’s plot before you let him have sex, and prevented it from happening, then you didn’t get tricked. I can’t speak for most guys, but whenever I meet a woman who is looking for a relationship, I don’t even try to have sex with her for the reason you mentioned in your question. Or if I do end up getting lucky with her, I only give her like 30 percent of what I can do, that way she really, really doesn’t want a relationship with me.

Would you ever consider writing a book on your past experiences/on relationships or otherwise?

People ask me questions like this all the time, and honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do but it might have something to do with my past life experiences. I’ve wanted to be a writer all my life. I’ve been a writer my entire career. So add those up, and I can say a book isn’t entirely out of the question.

After reading this blog about weight, i want to see a full body pic. Can you post one?

ABSOLUTELY…not. There’s a very specific reason I don’t post pictures of myself at my blog, largely because I don’t want to make it look like I’m trying too hard, I guess. At the same time, I don’t keep myself hidden. If you want to see what I look like I keep my Facebook public and most articles about me I link to feature a picture of me. This blog is meant to focus on my words, not my body or face.

I am not a proponent of FB friending just because names and numbers have been exchanged, but what’s your take on remaining FB buddies after the relationship has ended (whether just a couple dates or long-term)?

Depends on how the relationship ended. I do think de-friending someone is somewhat childish, but at the same time, whatever we need to do to cope over someone, it’s all valid. I feel like, if there’s no way you two can be friends in real life, then your FB connection should reflect that.

So when your man does finally FINALLY start opening up about his feelings, how are you supposed to respond? I probed more and he said he felt I was trying get in his head. I tried to be supportive – he said he didn’t need affirmation. Do I just ask what he wants?

By doing what he asks, you are doing what he wants and everything you’re trying to do for him is being done. In other words, if he is resistant to your support or you get the feeling your pats on the back are annoying him, stop doing it because that’s what he wants. I’m pretty sure he’ll appreciate your willingness to listen. If he starts asking you why you’re not patting him on the back anymore, remind him what he said. If he’s smart, he’ll wake up.

Do any of the women you have dated or meet more recently ask you to write on your blog about them or a situation that has occurred with them? What’s your response?

I’ve never really had requests to be written about, but if they did, I’m pretty sure that would kind of turn me off and make me question their motives. What’s really funny is when women think I’m going to write about them. I sometimes laugh in my head at them. The other thing is, I don’t take suggestions from other people, nor do I take requests. I don’t even take them from Jermaine, my business partner. This is my baby, and I’m its single father, so I’m very possessive of it. Besides, part of the challenge for me is to come up with topics on my own so I take on that challenge everyday.

Are your mom and sister readers of the blog? If so, do you ever hesitate or think twice about writing about something or a situation because someone may read it who would make you feel embarrassed or self-conscience about it?

Knowing my mom and my sister and other members of my family read the blog definitely makes me think twice about certain topics, and trust me, there are plenty of things on the cutting room floor because I thought twice about it. And yes, even some things I have posted in the past I cringe slightly at the thought of my family reading them, but none of my family has ever thrown the things I write up in my face. I’m proud to say I haven’t embarrassed any of them and honestly, I think as strong as of a relationship as I had with my mom, the blog has kind of helped strengthen it. It helps her see her son as more of an adult.

Your post today reminded me that almost every man has their great white whale–the one that got away, that they’re always trying to replicate. How do you cope with being a girl after THE girl?

You have to be THE girl and forget the girl who was around before you. I often wonder if women ever think of a man as some girl’s sloppy seconds. I used to let a woman’s past get too much in her present with me, and over time I developed the confidence to let those issues go because I wanted a better shot at a future with her. The best we can do is to give our person’s past some respect and understand we all have the losses that cut deep, but maintain the confidence to push on. Even men have to deal with being the guy after the guy, so my only defense against her last man is to be THE man. Usually that works.

Have you or would ever date non-American women e.g. African, Brazilian, French etc ?

What kind of African, Brazilian, and/or French women are we talking about here? Are they FINE African, Brazilian, and/or French women? If they are the answer is yes, but I will say this, the only accent I really go crazy for is a British accent. The rest of the world’s accents are whatever. I don’t really fawn over them. But British accents, California accents (like the ones in Oakland or girls raised on Crenshaw in L.A.) and West Indian accents are music to my ears.

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    Oh, and understand this, the only reason the sex is great is because she’s a side chick. Try to make it official and watch that flame go out…..

    You are a SHARPENED PENCIL! You stay keeping a point! I likes that…

  • Londoner in NY

    loool. u like the British accent. Im a brit living in the NY atm. Insightful blog, keep brinign ur A-game, i love it!!!

  • SouthernNYCer

    Kudos to keeping your Blog about your words and not your body. I just got onto your work (I know I’m late) and I LOVE IT!

  • Pascalle

    Saw your tweet about the low response today, thought I’d help out. I have to say I haven’t even been on Formspring but maybe I’ll try it out. Good luck with that women’s mag article on sex, lol.

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  • Cocofro212

    The guy im dating doesnt have a facebook and wont get one. i dont even use mine often. Whoever chose to put the relationship option of “It’s Complicated” must’ve seen into the future how Facebook would complicate relationships. I have seen many complications because of that site.
    Someone died because of an arguement over a guy (thats in jail mind you) on Facebook here in the metro Detroit area. way too complicated.
    Jozen posting pictures would kill the fantasy. Like reading a good story, and you imagine what ppl look like, the clothes they are wearing, the scent of the cologne……then you turn the page and there is a picture and its nothing you imagined. Or it is, but you constantly depend on that picture as a reference, not letting yourself indulge into the fantasy and excitement of wondering….
    PeAce Love Soul

  • Yesi Jukebox

    I don’t think it’s an off day for you at all..did ya ever think we aren’t commenting much today because you’re on point? You answered those questions pretty good and personally I don’t have anything to add..I wouldn’t be surprised if other frequent readers feel the same.

  • fixedwater

    the chick with the ? about the guy with the baby on the way: i thought the “oddly ideal” meant this was more of a fling but she seems to be gettin caught slippin with the “feelings appearing” – i’d say remember what you came for, and try to avoid the drama. whatever the case may be, i’d say tread carefully vewwy, vewwy cawfully *Elmer Fudd voice*

    regarding “the only reason the sex is great is because she’s a side chick. Try to make it official and watch that flame go out.” i nearly ruined all my work papers by spitting Pepsi all over them. in future i will not read and drink.

  • Dee

    I was in TEARS lol when I saw this “this girl is your side chick and she has a boyfriend, which makes you a side insert-word-that-rhymes-with-chick-here” Jozen thanks for answering all of the questions as honestly as you can. I’m glad you have limits with what you’ll say/do on this site.

  • BoomShots

    SMDH, she want to see baby daddy for a month!!

    He should give his side chick some props though, she try to get off the bench and be a starter. All bench players should want to start, he can explain to her that she has starter sex skills but not starter game. i.e “u ghetto!!” until that time she needs to play her position.

    That sex/relationship question is akin to the chicken/egg dilemma. Men offer relationship in order to get sex and women offer sex in order to get relationship. If they are lucky they both like what each other has to offer and there is agreement. But for right now that is the relationship marketplace and those are the general currency of exchange. Truth be told many women even if they don’t want a relationship feign interest to avoid the stigma of being called that chick who sleeps around. Maybe the chicks seeking relationships should band together and get special tattoos or something so that there is no future misunderstandings. Or even better wait til they are in a relationship before they agree to sexual relationships. Revolutionary thinking i am sure.

    My personal belief is that most women contrary to what they claim really are not prepared to hear their man’s feelings or inner thoughts. Firstly its not the sht their GFs be expressing; it may scare them; and they often don’t know how to react as it appears in this case.

    So here is an idea, you put all these blogs with the more interesting comments together and tada book!!

  • MsPrincessKey

    I personally don’t see it as a default it’s kind of like a way to diversify the blog a little, well at least for me.
    Who ever asked about the full body picture should realize that Jozen face is so gorgeous a full body picture is unnecessary. I’d definitely be buying drinks for him.

  • Ebony

    OMG, my good friend is going through the same thing….both ladies are fooling themselves.
    Good sex leads to catching feelings, just like emotional connection leads to good sex. Keep it real with yourselves LADIES, you can’t have one without the other, God is tricky like that!

  • Miss. Riss

    Facebook has made so many things so boring and complicated. I didn’t go to my high school reunion cause I felt like I’ve been ” catching up ” and seeing everyone for the past few years on fb anyways.

    The guy I’m seeing now, fbed me, felt kinda strange about it, but whatever. What I appreciate about facebook is the many privacy options…I make the most of the them.

  • Ms_Celeste

    What is this CA accent you speak of? Grew up in the Crenshaw district and lived in Oakland for years but I cannot tell if someone is from either area based on accent alone. My interest is piqued now. I’ll be listening for it.

  • Danni

    Man, I slaved away at work today, didn’t get off until 7p, finally got home and was ready to read one of my favorite blogs, and this is what I get?!?

    Just kidding :). I love Popping the Questions…in fact I might start formspring-ing some questions my darn self.

  • Mischa

    Popping the Questions can be the modern day Dear Abby!
    I love it. You are so insightful and you definitely keep it real.
    Big ups on lovin the West Indian accent!

  • L. Dejean

    Try to make it official and watch that flame go out.

    ^^^I laughed!

    These were good answers!

    And #shoutout to West Indian women! I was raised by a Trini Woman (& Haitian Man)!

  • Mz. Bronze

    I just found your blog and love it. I get soo tired of hearing women bash men. I haven’t gone back to read all your post but, if you will, answer this question for me. Do men really think about sex when they see an attractive woman???? And why do men like big boobs. Why do white men like real skinny women and black men like big ole fat booties. Are men emotional…I could go on and on but just answer the why do men like big boobs first. Thx.

  • Fallible Sage

    Digging the poppin the question posts. Great advice.

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    West Indian accents ftw. That is all lol.

  • Daphane

    Gotta love them Crenshaw chicks!!