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Why Won’t This Girl Let Her Friend Come Home With Me?

Before I get into today’s post (apologies for the tardiness), feel free to check me out at Glamour.com today. Rosemary Brennan sat down with me to discuss this here website you all faithfully read. Thank you all for the support, because it’s how opportunities like these happen. Link is at the end of today’s post.

I’ll never forget this one night my boy and I went out to this club. That night, I was his wing man as he was getting to know a pretty girl who was out with her girls. By the end of the night, the girl was a little intoxicated, but not sloppily and nonsensically so, and all she wanted to do was take my boy back to her place.

Meanwhile, the girl’s friends were trying to stop it from happening. That’s when I had to step in like a referee. As the girls protested saying they didn’t know my friend, I decided to make introductions to the whole group. Then, remembering all of their names, I told each of them (there were three total) to call this number right away. The number was my number. I told each of them to put their first and last names, then I texted them with my boys number. Told them to call his number.

And why was I doing all of this? Because this is what good wingman’s do, they assist their boys. And what do “good” girlfriends do? They act difficult and try to block their friend’s good time. Bad girlfriends. Bad.

I understand there are risks to going home with a man who is still more stranger than friend, but I want to know something from the women: Are girls really protecting their friends from a possibility of danger or are they just being Debbie Downers?

The reason I ask this question is because well, I want to know what exactly are these risks girls are protecting their friends from. The most drastic occurrence I can see happening as a consequence of a woman going home with a man she barely knows is she gets physically harmed or disappears. Both of these things are tragic, horrible situations I would wish on no one and I don’t mean to make light of them when I say this but…If I was going to do any harm or play a part in doing any harm to this girl’s friend, how smart would it be for me to show my face in public, and be the last man everyone sees with her before the harmful things happened to her? Like, if I was going to actually try to do something against the law with her friend, why would I put the pre-meditated moves on display for everyone to witness?

Another unsafe thing I’m pretty sure women protect their friends from is STDs. This is a valid concern, I absolutely believe this to be true, but isn’t it a valid concern every single time our friends hook up with someone new?

But if it’s not this reason, it’s another reason like, “You barely know him.” And I always want to reply to such a remark by saying, “Wait, who said we barely know each other?”

I’ll definitely agree in these circumstances, the girl and I don’t know each other that well. But we know each other well enough; well enough to want to go home with one another, and really how well do two people need to know each other to do that? We’re just trying to have some fun. With each other. Naked. So when the girl tries to tell my new girlfriend-for-the-night she barely knows me, she needs to understand, such arguments are relative. It makes me want to say, “Well you barely know the bartender and yet, you let him pour you alcohol. How safe is that?”

But in some instances, the reason a girl doesn’t want her friend to come home with me is not because she’s concerned for her friend’s safety, and it’s not because of some lack of familiarity with me. The best reason I can possibly think of for a girl not letting her friend come home with me is because the girl is a selfish friend who only thinks for herself. And what happens is because the girl herself would never go home with a guy like me, for no other reason but I’m not her type, she is therefore trying to keep her girl from doing the same thing. I mean, really, let’s think about that for a second. If the girl wasn’t my type, then of course it’s easy to tell her friend to not come home with me because if I was the girl’s type she would join her friend, and the two of them would come home with me, right?

After the concern for safety and lack of familiarity reasons are crossed off the list, what other reason would a girl have for telling her friend, “No girl. Come home with me”? What’s going on the next day? Church? Well good, because I go to church too. I’ll have her home before service.

Glamour.com Article: “Getting Up Close And Personal With Jozen Cummings of Until I Get Married”

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  • Ivygrown

    I’ve been checking into your site semi-regularly for the past month after hearing much hype. Every single time I come away thinking, “sure the guy can kinda write, but his message is borderline misogynistic.” This post really brings that home…naked. Not only do I find most of your humor… unfunny or remotely endearing (it screams 10th grade boys I always avoided) but for someone who claims to love women you don’t seem too concerned with how your sense of entitlement (call it male privilege) can do serious damage to a woman’s self worth. Just because you pretend to be hyper aware of the male/female dynamic doesn’t make you an expert. The generalizations you tend to make actually make you sound like a fool in sensitive guy’s clothing. Your insights aren’t nuanced, they’re surface level readings of bizarre conquests. Thoughts like this post are the reason why sexual assault and street harassment are such a chronic problem. Until you get married, you should work on finding ways to love and write about women without marginalizing or trivializing their various roles—yes, even those deemed not interested in sleeping with you. Think about learning to love women universally because we are fully developed complicated human beings not empty entities made for male consumption.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @Danni
    LOL… so true, but you started it! (I kid)

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    LOL you knew this wasn’t gonna go over well Jozen… not one bit.

    On the other hand, none of the chicks I go out with get down with random dudes they see in clubs so its never been an issue. Takes more than “Ooh girl he look fine as hell” to get it in… even while drunk. We go out to dance and drink… if we want sex, we’ll get it from dudes we already know.

  • Cristina

    I think the concern for safety is a valid enough reason my friend should not go home with a random dude in New York City. This is the case when any alcohol is involved in this decision.

  • Danni

    @**inquiring mind**

    LMAO!! Touche :).

  • L. Dejean

    @Ivygrown

    If you have such an issue with him, why bother commenting or even coming back. Its a personal blog & he’s being him. He has some great posts such as the one’s about finding out about becoming a uncle, when he actually became one & about his stepfather that demonstrate his ability to love & his respect for his family (who happens to read this blog). He’s not perfect but what human really is? Don’t worry, I’ll wait. (Even Jesus had to learn to walk.) His readership has no problem telling him when a post wasn’t a great idea & state why but its a bit too late to take it back. He his learning to love women and this his his journey chronicled in a blog. Everyone has their own opinion but this comment was more so meant to be emailed to him or sent to his formspring and that’s just my opinion. Be blessed.

  • http://womanofcolor.wordpress.com brownivyx

    It’s too much of a gray area when excessive drinking is involved. In the past, I have been “saved” from some less than wise decisions/situations from “over-protective girlfriends” and have done likewise for them…lol, usually via a coed group trip to Waffle House of IHOP to let the buzz fizzle out until lucid conversation and decisions are possible. But from the outside looking in, you can’t tell if your girl is at or beyond her limit. All you see is giggles, stumbles and mumbles. And, let’s face it, the possibility of “bad things” going down are all too real. Better to be safe and be a b*tch than to be sorry and unwittingly aiding and abetting.

  • http://twitter.com/missmxdfeelings Kady

    Correction S/B @M. Hendricks

    If they are sober, its a different senario. I guess I have enough confidence in my friends to trust there decisions sober, I would still be like “Your going where with who” but thats about it.

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com M. Hendricks

    @Kady
    I can get jiggy with that!

  • http://facebook Nicole

    With sentiments like that, you have definitely proved why females NEED a good friend who WON’T let her go home with you!!!!

    Interesting read though:)

  • sideeye

    @kristi ….baha lmao…i apologize to everyone being serious but honeyyyyy the last part of your comment made me howl….the whole gauge his eyes out…hilarious!!!

    In this situation …me and my girls have a rule we usually stick together; but if we take down info including license, phone number and pic..we’re good. You only live once, may as well ride it out with a bang!

  • Bee

    “What’s going on the next day? Church? Well good, because I go to church too. I’ll have her home before service.”

    Really? You’re free to write whatever since it’s your blog; however, that sentiment’s a little much. Even Katy Perry said Religion and Sex shouldn’t be combined. A stretch in comparison, but still.

  • TSC

    You said in yesterday’s post that men have a tough time trusting other men to do the right thing. Why is it so hard to believe that women would be equally, if not more, cautious when faced with a situation like this?

    I co-sign with most of what the majority has already said. Safety, STDs, pregnancy, emotions, having to deal with the aftermath. Having to answer to her family. Casual sex is anything but (for some people). If you were wingman for your sister one evening and saw her about to stagger giggling out the door with a guy she didn’t know an hour ago, you’d just shrug and wave goodbye?

  • Leah

    I’m a Jozen fan. I’m an UIGM fan. I’m NOT a fan of this particular post/entry. I think encouraging random sex is a bit uncool, but you’re entitled. Encouraging women to stand back when their slightly inebriated girlfriends want to go home with complete strangers to have random sex is a bit irresponsible, IMO. But again, I do enjoy the blog. I’m just not digging this particular one. I guess it’s moot since I don’t have any girlfriends who would go home with a complete stranger anyway. :-)

  • chocolate_royal

    Love the post! Love the blog! Jozen.. continue to be 100% honest. I laughed. Why Not? Ladies, want the truth but the truth hurts. Don’t be so sensitive. In my opinion from a female side of things I know that women do hate on their friends. It’s not always about protection, some women don’t enjoy to see there friends get any play if they are not getting any attention. It’s just that simple!

  • Lovedocs

    Props to you. You ensured your friend a “good time” while satisfying her friends’ needs by giving them his digits. If anything went wrong, they now know your number and your friend’s number. Watch out for the random calls/texts in the next few days. Haha!

  • http://thesoundofitall.tumblr.com/ Melle Mels

    Wow – the comments are almost more interesting than the post itself. I can definitely appreciate the discussion that’s been stirred. While I understand that yes sometimes your homegirl is just trying to protect you from the unknown, we all know we have that one friend who just doesn’t want anyone having a better time than she is. Meaning if she didn’t get hit on she definitely doesn’t want you to get hit on let alone get some at the end of the night. But to me it seems there is some serious social conditioning happening here..why is it that when it comes to casual sex, or a sex only situation, we automatically assume that he’s winning and she’s losing. Maybe she’s winning too, because all she really wanted to begin with was a really good no strings attached lay. Having to “deal with the aftermath” or “answer to her family”? You mean an aftermath besides the glow that goes along with just having released some built up sexual tension during what I’d hope was a most amazing romp with a cutie? Seriously if you’re waking up not knowing how you got to his place, where you met him or whether or not you actually did the deed there is a deeper issue going on. And if you’re still giving a play by play account of your Friday night to your family the next morning, you probably shouldn’t be eating at the grown up table just yet. I’m not saying that weekly one night stands are where its at, or encouraging reckless, careless random sex but really we’re all adults here (I hope). In all honesty most people make no better judgment calls about picking partners sober than they do under the influence. ***p.s. nice interview with Glamour

  • http://www.teaandsuch.blogspot.com Tea

    It’s a safety concern. Everyone claims that they don’t look like a murderer, rapist, thief or whatever, but contrary to popular belief murderers, rapists and thieves don’t have a look. I don’t block, but I will get a license plate number without blinking.

    Also, another reason you may not have considered is that said drunk friend told her girls “I’m about to get lit, don’t let me go home with anyone.” I’m not making this up. We say stuff like this and our friends who you see as blockers are just doing what we asked them to do.

  • http://www.dashofreality.wordpress.com Dash

    “The best reason I can possibly think of for a girl not letting her friend come home with me is because the girl is a selfish friend who only thinks for herself. And what happens is because the girl herself would never go home with a guy like me, for no other reason but I’m not her type, she is therefore trying to keep her girl from doing the same thing. I mean, really, let’s think about that for a second. If the girl wasn’t my type, then of course it’s easy to tell her friend to not come home with me because if I was the girl’s type she would join her friend, and the two of them would come home with me, right”

    Yup you’re a genius! That’s exactly it! Her friend is just a selfish biatch. You got it! It all goes back to women being jealous and cockblocking bc all they really want is for you to be more attractive for a threesome to ensue. Not like there have been COUNTLESS cases where the men freely show their faces and still commit a crime. Take your pick, rape, violence, murder.

    This post isn’t real. It just can’t be. I imagined it. I’m incredulous that not only you (a supposed “worldly” guy) thinks like this. But other guys do as well. Well no reason being upset over a fake post though.

  • http://www.dashofreality.wordpress.com Dash

    @Melle Mels
    “we all know we have that one friend who just doesn’t want anyone having a better time than she is.”

    I totally agree but what’s so horrible about that “hater” friend preventing the inebriated friend from sealing the deal? It’s a one night stand. Is she that pressed? Well the post made it crystal clear both the man and the wing-man are doubly pressed but I am completely sure, the inebriated woman will not wake up the next day and rip the “hater” friend a new one for not allowing the one night stand to happen bc quite honestly the inebriated friend could have went if she really wanted to. “Hater” friend or not.

  • CB

    I know I am late, but epic fail!!!

  • SB

    @AMuse

    This is the perfect comment! Took the words out of my mouth! No way will I let my intoxicated friend go off with some guy she just met w/o interjecting my opinion and I expect the same in return.

    I was in this situation before…there were two guys and the 2 of us. My friend and the guy were hitting it off more intensely than me and his friend. I knew the guys a little bit from college but still. His boy was tryna holla at me, he was cute, but I was nowhere near ready to go back with him and he knew that. When the night came to an end there was some decisions to be made and I asked her several times if she want me to “cock block”. If she really wanted dude fine…but I was not gonna let her go in the car with those 2 men alone…meaning if she wanted to get some that bad, I would have drive her to the hotel and chill with his boy until they finished doing their thing. I didn’t want to do that but that would be the ONLY acceptable scenario. Thank goodness she sobered up and got to know him more before they took it to that level…they have been together since…moral of the story…PROTECT YOURSELF, PROTECT YOUR FRIENDS!

  • Jackie

    I havent read all the coments but my response to this post is…what if the girl you are going home with will wake up the next morning and will regret the whole thing and the c-clocker is the one that will have to hear about it. So instead of hearing her friend cry from regret she wants to prevent it in the first place. Also if the C-blocker frowns upon such behavior then why run the risk of losing respect. I mean if she did it with you then who know how often this happens and the friend has to go home alone when she came to hang with her girl. The blocker is looking out for her friend’s best interest and noone care about the guy catching blue balls. I’m sure that the 2 of you exchanged numbers so if the girl relly wanted to hook up yall can hook up after the club and everyone is happy.

  • Violet

    Church as the punchline?

  • http://thsoundofitall.tumblr.com Melle Mels

    @Dash
    I didn’t read anything in this post implying that said woman was inebriated. I know when I go out I’m not getting shit faced because what’s the point of going out if you wont remember how much “fun” you had? A beer, maybe a coke and rum at the max. I am still very coherent. From the comments it seems like a lot of woman are doing it big out on the club scene, in which case you could just as easily be taken advantage of by the cab driver taking you home. And I realize in that situation yes as a good friend, hater, cock blocker what have you, it is your responsibility to look out for your girl and not let her disappear with a complete stranger into the night. What I gather from the readers seems to be the concern of irresponsible drinking which doesn’t have much to do with the post. And I totally agree with you, said hater friend or not, a woman who wants to go home with a man that badly will do so regardless.

  • Maria

    I think it is more about personal safety than anything. You cannot go back to your friends parents saying “oh she went with that guy” but I dont know anything about him. Being a Debbie downer is never the case. I encourage everyone to have a good time, guys or gals but being safe is the top priority.

  • Mmmhmmm..

    All I can think of while reading this story is “Natalee Holloway”…

  • Sunkissed404

    @Mmmhmmm..
    exactly…and Joran Van Der Slut… I mean Sloot.

  • Dannie

    Little late, but seriously? Every single one of the girls who has commented on this, I don’t care what your stand is, you KNOW you will stop your friend from going home with someone if you’re not getting any that night. We don’t do it on purpose, but it’s jealousy thing and girls cannot control themselves when it gets to male attention. And if you REALLY think you’re not a jealous girl – major denial – you have some serious paranoia issues you need to seek help for because if you think every guy you meet is going to kidnap/rape/kill or harm you in anway, you’re bound to end up alone. Stop hating on his OPINION – you’re entiteld to one as well.

  • zy

    @ Dannie… speak for yourself hun. If I’m not getting any, I’m happy if my friend is. no need for jealousy. seriously… who the hell gets jealous because their friend is having sex and they aren’t? *smdh*

    as for the post… the main and only reason i will attempt to stop my friends from going home with someone they just met is safety. the girls i hang with are like my family and i’ll be damned if something happens to them because i didn’t step up and step in. frankly, if dude is so interesting… let him take you on a date or set up another time to meet and hook up… when you’re sober. it just makes for good common sense. no, he may not kill her or harm her physically but he may very well get her knocked up that night… how the hell do you come back from that? lol and yes, while STDs are a worry with any new lover… wouldn’t it be prudent to be weary of a man who you just met and is so willing to dive into your ocean on the first night? hell, how often does he do this? as a friend, i look out for my people and they look out for me so you men can call it blocking if you want, we call it protecting our people.

  • http://www.twitter.com/LilMissStrange LittleMissStrange

    Damn that!

    I know this is late as crap but as far as I know, I havent birthed any kids. And you have to be grown to get into most bars and clubs. Therefore, If any of my friends has a “Im going home with this guy” moment, you do you girl! As long as I have a ride home, I dont care what you do.

    Ive actually had those phone calls the next day with so called friends that were mad I didnt stop them from going home or taking a guy home with them and my response has always been the same…. you are grown. I will not be your moral compass.

  • http://www.xanga.com/llroomtempj wet blanket

    “What’s going on the next day? Church? Well good, because I go to church too. I’ll have her home before service.”

    So much is wrong with that comment. But so much is right about that comment, b/c it is really accurate social commentary. I’m a christian, regular looking dude, from a good home, well-adusted, professional, good job, respecter of women and people keep asking me why i’m single and this is the main reason why. It’s b/c this is the mindset that pervades our churches – and people do a really good job of wearing a mask on sundays.

    Though outnumbered in a major way by women in church, the pickings are truly slim.

    luke 6:46 “why do you call me lord lord and not do what i say?”

  • anonymous

    what if the girl has personal issues that are more important than going home and having a good time (in the big picture but not to the girl at the moment, after having a few drinks, considering this super hot guy…)? such as, being in a married on the rocks? or a recovering nympho? you don’t know. don’t assume the “good” girlfriends are selfish and “bad.”

  • citygirl22

    The assumption that all or most women are cockblockers is way off base. I think 8 times out of 10, it’s a moral judgement call. Yeah, safety is a consideration… but even if it weren’t, I would still balk at the idea of my girlfriend going home with a complete stranger. WHY? Because I MYSELF wouldn’t go home with a complete stranger, no matter how fine he was or how much I wanted to get to know him. And I expect my friends, whose values are at least somewhat similar to mine, to make an equally sound decision when sober. So I would step in if my friend seemed to be making a questionable decision while intoxicated.

    If, upon stepping in, I deemed my friend to be lucid enough to make a reasoned decision; I would make sure it was what she really wanted to do, ask the guy for his business card or phone number and then step aside.