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Why Won’t This Girl Let Her Friend Come Home With Me?

Before I get into today’s post (apologies for the tardiness), feel free to check me out at Glamour.com today. Rosemary Brennan sat down with me to discuss this here website you all faithfully read. Thank you all for the support, because it’s how opportunities like these happen. Link is at the end of today’s post.

I’ll never forget this one night my boy and I went out to this club. That night, I was his wing man as he was getting to know a pretty girl who was out with her girls. By the end of the night, the girl was a little intoxicated, but not sloppily and nonsensically so, and all she wanted to do was take my boy back to her place.

Meanwhile, the girl’s friends were trying to stop it from happening. That’s when I had to step in like a referee. As the girls protested saying they didn’t know my friend, I decided to make introductions to the whole group. Then, remembering all of their names, I told each of them (there were three total) to call this number right away. The number was my number. I told each of them to put their first and last names, then I texted them with my boys number. Told them to call his number.

And why was I doing all of this? Because this is what good wingman’s do, they assist their boys. And what do “good” girlfriends do? They act difficult and try to block their friend’s good time. Bad girlfriends. Bad.

I understand there are risks to going home with a man who is still more stranger than friend, but I want to know something from the women: Are girls really protecting their friends from a possibility of danger or are they just being Debbie Downers?

The reason I ask this question is because well, I want to know what exactly are these risks girls are protecting their friends from. The most drastic occurrence I can see happening as a consequence of a woman going home with a man she barely knows is she gets physically harmed or disappears. Both of these things are tragic, horrible situations I would wish on no one and I don’t mean to make light of them when I say this but…If I was going to do any harm or play a part in doing any harm to this girl’s friend, how smart would it be for me to show my face in public, and be the last man everyone sees with her before the harmful things happened to her? Like, if I was going to actually try to do something against the law with her friend, why would I put the pre-meditated moves on display for everyone to witness?

Another unsafe thing I’m pretty sure women protect their friends from is STDs. This is a valid concern, I absolutely believe this to be true, but isn’t it a valid concern every single time our friends hook up with someone new?

But if it’s not this reason, it’s another reason like, “You barely know him.” And I always want to reply to such a remark by saying, “Wait, who said we barely know each other?”

I’ll definitely agree in these circumstances, the girl and I don’t know each other that well. But we know each other well enough; well enough to want to go home with one another, and really how well do two people need to know each other to do that? We’re just trying to have some fun. With each other. Naked. So when the girl tries to tell my new girlfriend-for-the-night she barely knows me, she needs to understand, such arguments are relative. It makes me want to say, “Well you barely know the bartender and yet, you let him pour you alcohol. How safe is that?”

But in some instances, the reason a girl doesn’t want her friend to come home with me is not because she’s concerned for her friend’s safety, and it’s not because of some lack of familiarity with me. The best reason I can possibly think of for a girl not letting her friend come home with me is because the girl is a selfish friend who only thinks for herself. And what happens is because the girl herself would never go home with a guy like me, for no other reason but I’m not her type, she is therefore trying to keep her girl from doing the same thing. I mean, really, let’s think about that for a second. If the girl wasn’t my type, then of course it’s easy to tell her friend to not come home with me because if I was the girl’s type she would join her friend, and the two of them would come home with me, right?

After the concern for safety and lack of familiarity reasons are crossed off the list, what other reason would a girl have for telling her friend, “No girl. Come home with me”? What’s going on the next day? Church? Well good, because I go to church too. I’ll have her home before service.

Glamour.com Article: “Getting Up Close And Personal With Jozen Cummings of Until I Get Married”

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  • Srh

    there are more risks associated with going home sleeping with men OR woman whom you likely just met. Getting kidnapped, murdered raped, are of course the extremes and the most drastic, but what about the spread of sexually transmitted diseases? is there time after the club, yet right before the bed that the two parties get tested for STDs or at least have that discussion? Probably not. Condoms? not 100% plus they break.

    At least in my case if one of my friends insisted on going home with someone the SAME NIGHT she met him, of course I’m going to chime in my opinions — that’s my girl, and I want her to be safe. Having sex with strangers (which is what two people who just met are), whether a man or woman, is risky. Point blank. To deny that is to deny the earth is round. But at the end of the day, if she still insists, she’s grown, its her vagina she has to live with, not mine. At least I can say I tried.

    All in all, your post was half ridiculous, but half right on.

  • http://www.untiligettoyou.blogspot.com AMuse

    Wow. Talk about not seeing the whole picture. I think you are missing a huge issue here. Alcohol. We often do things when we are drunk that we wouldn’t do sober. So when our friends are in these situations aside from trying to protect her from danger (just because you gave them your # and your boys # doesn’t mean shit. People are crazy period) you don’t want her to wake up in the morning regretting her decision. That feeling in the morning is not cool. Regardless if it is JUST SEX. Come on now… you are aware that men and women have a complete different relationship with sex right? Most of the time for us it’s not just a brush off the shoulder. I know it might be hard to imagine but… not every situation is about you….it’s about our friend.

  • Erica

    Um…..come on Jozen…heard of the date rape drug. I am not saying thats whats going on in most instances but it has happened. And the times that this has happened the men could be seen making the “premeditated moves” (i.e. talking their victim, flirting, buying them a drink) as you call it. I understand what you’re saying…its valid. But there is a huge danger for women to go home with, putting trust in men who they have known for only an hour or so. It’s not smart for women to do so. And still scratching off the safety reasons…as a good friend a woman doesnt want her friend to get caught up in a moment and do something she later regrets. If I’ve known my girl for years and know this isn’t her thing and suddenly she wants to go all willy nilly home with someone I’m def going to be like wtf is she doing and try to prevent it. Its just being a good friend nothing to do with blocking you…whether you are said woman’s type or not.

  • Maria

    Lol @ “Well you barely know the bartender and yet, you let him pour you alcohol. How safe is that?”

  • L. Dejean

    Are girls really protecting their friends from a possibility of danger or are they just being Debbie Downers?

    ^^^Protecting my friends, most definitely! I see the #swindle and i don’t want my friend being caught up. I do know how my friends are when drunk and in the morning, she’ll regret what she does or doesn’t remember happened. Also in that time, there is no time to get tested & make sure that BOTH parties are free of disease or infection. There is also the case of birth control, what if she isn’t on it? what if a condom breaks…if my friend is against abortion (like I am), she’s screwed! Every man isn’t good about giving their contact information… I have no problem with everyone going out after to ihop to sober up, eat & get to know each other…that way, EVERYONE is comfortable and the risks are reduced.

    I also see it as this, if i came with you (#pause), i’m leaving with you…this is to ensure both her & my safety & if she isn’t home when I get there…guess who has to explain to her friend’s parents why she isn’t home (if she lives there), that’s right, me! I don’t want to get caught up in that matrix.

    Some of it was funny though…you are a mess for that last line, lol.

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com M. Hendricks

    Those women who stop their friend from having a good time is what I like to call… Cock-blockers! I hate those! The main reason they do it is because the guy didn’t come to them first and they been eyeing him and are mad that he didn’t go for her or like the statement goes “misery loves company”. I am proud to say I’m one of those friends who lets her friend have a good time with the guy she met, as long as I have a way home or at least a guy for me, then by all means have a great time!

  • Cocofro212

    Sometimes it IS selfish reasons. I learned that not too long ago when I thought my friend was about to roll out with me over this guy’s house (mind you, we left the club and was at the local after club restaurant, and the sun was up) so it wasn’t necessarily a trip for naked times. AND she was digging his boy more than I was digging the guy I was chatting it up with. BUT because the dude she liked wasn’t down for action, she pulled a blitz and it didn’t happen.

    I’ve always felt I was a good wing girl, make sure I knew where homeboy lives, his address and number (sneak and get his license plate just in case) and that she had cab fare if the night needs to end short. Or go in another room and watch a movie or play a video game, and take a nap on his sofa.

    In the case of my guy friends, I usually let them go off with a chick but I drive their car to my own destination and go back to pick my buddy up later. Sometimes we all go out for breakfast in the morning, but the girlfriend-for-the-night isn’t excited that my food is paid for and not hers, and she’s the one that did all the work….

    PeAce Love Soul

  • Stephanie

    I love your blog and often “get” your insight but this is where we deviate.

    First, you said the girl had drank too much. That’s a problem right there. Her friends might have been saving her from herself and that is certainly not the best of circumstances to be making those decisions.

    Secondly, who do you think will be there the next day when things may have “gotten out of hand” and the guy doesn’t call her again?? Who will be there to pick up the pieces? Right. And you say, “well maybe he will call her again?” And under the circumstances what do you think the chances of that are? Right again – not very high as in, slim to none.

    Her girls are there for her to hear all the regrets and just don’t want to see their friend have to go through the pain of it. It’s just not smart. Contrary to what men like to believe (and truthfully women try to portray), it still matters to most women if they get physical with a man and he doesn’t follow up. You can intellectualize it but it still hurts.

    Try not to be so cynical about why a woman’s friends may block you.

  • Miss. Riss

    this is something I often go back and forth with, with myself. in college i had one friend in particular (who happened to be my roomate for awhile) sho got a lil more than tipsy (often) and was known to be a very flirtatious chic. so when going out with her, it was the thought, ” do i try to protect her ” or ” do i let her do her thing “? cause the next morning, not only do you see us as the cockblocker, so does she. i’ll be honest and say ulimtately, i’ve given up. do what you wanna do.

    but….to your defense, your friend going home with a dude is no different than her going with him after thier first date. where you aren’t there to protect her. for this very reason, my friends and i text each other car details and home locations when hanging out with guys early on.

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com M. Hendricks

    So reading some of the women comments on here I see that most of them are concerned about how their friend will feel the next day and are concerning themselves with her actions…. ummmm…. isn’t your female friend grown? Does she not know her limits on drinking? Why would you concern yourself with how she will feel about HER actions in the morning? Since finally graduating college I have learned to not concern myself with my friends actions. I’ll be there to listen the next day and state my peace but that’s about it.

  • Sunkissed404

    You know betta than that(This post) Jozen… ***mean side eye*** Not even bout to go there tadae..lol

  • http://twitter.com/missmxdfeelings Kady

    Totally agree with the commenters above, there is no sure way to know a crazy, I can’t imagine how guilty I would feel If I let my friend go off with some guy while she is intoxicated and something awful happens.
    Also you are no judge of how or how intoxicated this girl really is, people react differently to liqour, I personally have had blackouts on more than one ocassion, ive been told I’m not sloppy or falling over, but I will have no recollection of the night.

    And also, the truth is that 9/10 times the girl just ends up regretting this random hookup because drunk guys aren’t good in bed.

  • Sunkissed404

    @Kady
    ” And also, the truth is that 9/10 times the girl just ends up regretting this random hookup because drunk guys aren’t good in bed.”

    –Ahahaaaha…. Right.

  • **inquiring mind**

    Bwahahahaha @ the title… I just can’t with you today Jozen. I just can’t!

  • http://twitter.com/gildedcocoa chanel

    Sometimes I forget that men don’t know that much about women… your post just reminded me of that fact once again. As the resident ‘wing-woman’ of my group I’m often confronted with this ‘issue’ of brothas trying to pull one of my friends on ‘Jump-off Express’. As expected you can only focus selfishly on getting a nut and not see many of the reasons why a woman’s friends would block you.

    You easily dismiss safety as an issue with that laughable argument of ‘You don’t know the bartender but letting him pour you a drink’. The difference. The bartender isn’t going to be between my legs. That was game… piss poor game at that. No good friend let’s her girl leave drunk with a stranger.. want to know why? Cause the risk is too high. What happens if you end up drugging, raping, robbing or killing her? What do we tell the missing girl’s family? ‘The drunk dude in the club *seemed* nice.’ I don’t care how funny or charming you are going home with a stranger on first ‘kick it’ is usually a very bad idea.

    Your asking her friends to potentially sacrifice her safety and life to ensure you get a nut.. yeah ok. My girls and I have one rule when we go out. “Come together. Leave together.” If your friend was more of a gentlemen he could have offered to meet her at her home after the club. Why was it so pressing that he bang her now? Which leads to several other reasons he could have been rejected:

    1.) Her friends knew she wouldn’t be done for that shit sober so they didn’t let her do it.
    2.) He came on too strong/desperate.
    3.) The girl didn’t want to sleep with him in the 1st place but was too nice to say it in front of everybody.
    4.) She had someone else coming to her house that night.
    5.) The wing-man made him look bad.
    6.) The girl had a man.

    7 valid reasons on why a girl turns down a one-night stand.

    I think what troubled me the most about your post was your sole explanation for a girl’s friend snuffing out your one-night stand. ‘the girl is a selfish friend who only thinks for herself’ Are you delusional or just childish? Can you not grasp that other’s safety/feelings/relationship is more important than your nut? Seriously.. smh. You showed how truly little you know about female friendships and about women in general in this post. Four thumbs all the way down.

  • http://twitter.com/missmxdfeelings Kady

    @M. Hendricks

    My friends are grown, but still I am going to try to be there for them. I’ll give 2 examples:
    I have a friend who hooks up with random guys all the time, if we go out and she is going to hook-up with someone, I don’t even bother, its her thing.
    I have other friends who don’t hookup with random guys but are lightweight, if were out and drinking and she and random cutie are flirting, then all of a sudden she tells me, she wants to go home with this guy, I’m stepping in because I know its out of character for her.

  • Forrealsyo

    While I understand the logic here, I do have to remind our fabulous, free thinking writer that the majority of sexual assaults and rapes go unreported by women….there is a wildly heinous cultural expectation that if you’re a woman, and you go with a man, whatever happens, happens…and men who fall into harming women are aware of this fact and it has an implicit protective quality…especially if you pick her up at a bar or a club…who is really going to remember that one guy, in a sea of nondescript guys, who that one girl, in a gaggle of nondescript girls, went home with, and be able to accurately remember time, body language, ect. so that they can be called upon in the instance of rape or assault….especially, as other commenters point out, when alcohol is involved…and so yes, women really do play cockblock for their female friends and its entirely understandable and utterly necessary….plus, STDs anyone? I mean for reals, that shit stays with you, and no pussy or cock is worth a lifetime of subsequently awkward first sexual encounters when one has to reveal a potentially rejection inducing fact that they just really wanted to go home with a stranger and oops, herpes happened…

  • http://heaven-wbc.blogspot.com Heaven

    Although, I would def cock block a friend from going home with a guy to protect her from any harm doing, my MAIN reason would be that if she is tipsy/drunk, she is probably NOT in her right state of mind ……………..and I would HATE to have that heffa call me in the morning going off on me. “Girl! Why the hell you let me go with this ugly ass grizzly bare!?!?!” …. I just can’t have that… AND, I would hate for her picture to also end up on a milk carton…

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  • S.Lauren

    Definitely protecting my friends. When I was young, a girl who went to the high school where my mother worked and I would eventually attend, went to a house party with a friend of hers. They met a guy at the party (in front of lots of people, clearly). Said guy asked them did they want to attend another party with him. They said sure. Went to the other party, had fun. As they were leaving the other party, the guy asked the original friend if she would take a walk with him just around the corner or something and back. No one was drunk. Her friend waited in the car. He then proceeded to rape her, strangle her, put her body in a trash can and set it on fire. As soon as the friend realized that her friend had been out of sight for a while, she started calling around and rounding up friends to look for her, but it was too late.

    Now, would you want to be the person that looks your friend’s parents in the eyes and tells them that you let her walk away with a guy who killed her like that?

  • AE

    I’m a woman and I completely agree with Jozen. The only thing my girls should be doing is making sure i don’t have beer goggles on. Sometimes the best thing a woman needs is a one-night stand.

    I don’t know about anyone else, but I know my girlfriends and I def don’t go to the club looking for a relationship or even a date. Save that for other places. I came to drink, dance, have a good time, and if I decide as a grown woman that this includes some quick male company, then so be it. When a man wants to take me home from a coffee shop, then we have a problem. But in a club? That’s fair game.

    I’m down for the number-exchange, and a good long stare in the event of a line-up, so if some shit does go wrong, my girls can come to the rescue. But truth be told, my girlfriends are not supposed to act like my parents, and try to tell me who to sleep with and when I should sleep with them. That’s my decision.

    That being said, I come from a family of hard drinkers, so I never have a real problem with alcohol, and I also spent years taking self-defense classes, so maybe that’s just me.

  • http://yesijukebox.blogspot.com Yesi Jukebox

    Jozen, are you playing devil’s advocate?

  • L. Dejean

    @M. Hendricks

    I’m not a cock-blocker unless my friend’s ask me to…and they always do because I’m the level headed one & i’ll keep ALL of us out of trouble & to go home with a stranger is trouble, point.blank.period. Sorry but I want ALL my friends ok in the morning with little to no regrets. I don’t hang out with folks that do one nighters so i know that i’m doing the right thing by protecting them in that manner.

  • madeleine

    this is post is such a male perspective. all the ladies in the comments section break it down for you pretty well. you may have to chalk the difference up to the difference between women and men.

  • Nicole

    Ok lets get beyond the danger factor . . which is a serious factor but there are more things to talk about. Let’s talk about if my girl really likes your guys and hopes for a future w him. There are ALOT of dudes who would not consider any real relationship with some chick he hooked up with from the club. Beyond that the world is smaller than you think. Your boy could be friends with someone my girl wants a relationship with down the line . . . then your boy comes in and shes no longer wify potential cuz shes the chick who hooked up with your boy one random night. Let’s not even go to “the list;” some people aren’t into adding randoms to their list just to add them.

    Also @ M Hendricks . . we know we with our girls who would look out for us so despite however “grown” we are we may be drunk with an altered state of mind. So yes many of us need a person in the right mind to step in and say “hold on buddy.”

  • April

    In college my roommate found herself in a similar situation when she had maybe two drinks and wanted to go home with the guy she just met that night. The friends she was with though it was fine because they liked him, and she wasn’t really drunk (at the most, buzzed). Long story short she changed her mind about wanting to have sex, tried to leave and he forced himself on her anyway. This man could easily be identified by her and her entire group of friends and he still did what he wanted to do because in his head it was his right and she didn’t have the right to just change her mind. People are crazy and you can never be too careful.

  • Tiffany (htownsrealest)

    Playing Devil’s Advocate here…. I have had friends of mine get wasted, and almost go home with a stranger, and we stopped her and she was mad at us for a week… thinking she would NEVER see him again (luckily for us she did and theyre still dating a year later), I’ve had another friend when we were in college and that was her thing. Going with whomever- driving her OWN car, to see how far she could go… YES very wreckless but that was her idea of a good time after a drunk night out with the girls. Everyone is grown enough to open or close their legs and whether they are truthful with themselves are not they kinda like getting some random male touch even if they are intoxicated. They may hate it but its real…. Keep writing Jozen!

  • sub-zero

    actually that exchange-numbers-with-everyone-and-call-right-then-and-there is a good idea to alleviate people’s fears…

    for those that worry about safety, while it is horrible…sexual assaults can happen on a one night stand, on the first date, 2nd date, after a bad day at the office, 4 years after marriage… #imjustsayin

  • http://blackdiamond2008.blogspot.com A.Smith

    Jozen, maybe you’ve never had to take the phone call the morning after something really bad happened cause you let your girl do something really stupid… but if you have that happen one good time, it won’t happen again (as best you can control). My friends and I left a good friend of ours with dudes we KNEW very well and she was raped. This stuff doesn’t happen so infrequently that it’s worth that kind of risk.

    And contrary to what seems to be popular belief, it’s not about cock-blocking, or being selfish, it’s about caring. What’s selfish is being a guy who wants to bag a girl so bad, you misread her friends well-intentions.

    Not that there aren’t girls out there who are selfish and who do legitimately cock-block because they’re mad nobody was checking for them, but that doesn’t happen nearly as frequently as some guys would like us to think.

    Bottom line is, it isn’t fair to make this sweeping suggesting that homegirls need to chill. What we need to do is know our friends. I know which friends I can let do whatever and which ones I can’t and if I’m not sure, I’ma err on the side of caution everytime. I’m not dragging her into the cab, but I’m also not ever wanting another phone call from the hospital, either.

  • http://signedmissyoung.blogspot.com miss young

    I’m really not mad at you for this post. I think you are being serious, but funny at the same time. Guys (you included) ALWAYS think the friend is a cock-blocker, but seriously what’s the difference between a girl telling her friend not to go home with a stranger and you stopping your wasted homeboy from taking a grenade home?

    “Henny make girls look like Halle Berry…”

    signed,

    miss young

  • Kristi

    has the media completely ruined the possibility for an encounter with a stranger to be a wonderful and glorious experience?? Admittedly, I am the risk taker in my group of friends – and believe me, I’ve taken my share of risks – but guess what, I’m still clean, alive and more emotionally healthy than I have ever been. Sex is sometimes just that, sex. Being naked with a stranger does in no way correlate with me wanting to have a relationship outside of one night of tipsy fun – and really, sometimes all I want is a massage and spooning – I am of the opinion that as the female, I always have the control in those situations; I decide what happens, when I will leave and who I will leave with. Yes, there are some crazy people out there, but there are also some really rad people out there too (and I tend to optimistically believe that there are more rad people than crazies). All that said, it doesnt hurt that I take kick-boxing and know what to do if a man is on top of me trying to force himself. Ladies – if that happens, take your right hand, make a “V” with the separation between your pointer finger and middle finger and ram those digits up the dood’s face right into his eyeballs.

    If you like to take risks, use your head and perfect your right cross – other than that, don’t be so afraid of strangers, believe it or not, they are just like you and me.

  • HoneyMoney

    Are you serious? I feel like this is one of those posts you just threw up there without really thinking about. First you want us ladies to sleep with our friends and now you want us to let our kinda drunk home girl go home with some random dude in the club? I am still waiting for you to say…just kidding!

    Look, its cool that you try to help your boy and give out your phone number incase something happens, etc. But its still the woman’s friends’ job to look out for her. You must have no idea what its like to be a woman. We have to constantly think about protecting ourselves, whether its just way back in the back of our mind doing whatever or sitting in a shady livery cab at 3am clutching our keys between our knuckles. So, no one is cock blocking you, your boy or even our home girls. We just want to keep everyone’s safety in mind. Seriously.

  • BoomShots

    I am a horrible wingman and so the hunting pack mentality you have outlined is very foreign to my way of thinking. On the other end, I have a US Marine approach to a night on the town: “No man left behind” which we have amended to “No drunk man left behind”.

    Drunk not being tipsy or inebriated but falling down or F’d up. So on more than one occasion I have had to pulled one of my obviously frunked boys out of the clutches of a Succubus. Not because I am blocking but to ensure that they do not end up in a worst condition than I already left them. So I got no feelings about a woman having her girl’s back because some dudes (those men you can’t trust) or out here up to no good.

    Still about empowering the ladies over here son!!

    Too many dudes out here don’t know how to act, some of them even look normal (Ted Bundy). Better safe than sorry, true those stories of woman meeting dangerous stranger in the bars are usually sensationalized but they do happen. Listen if you good enough to get the drawers that night then you can work your magic again the next day.

    I am gonna take this post as some superficial musings on your part because it reads like that…in a perfect world this would not be an issue. People could hook up with strangers without a second thought as to any bad consequences. But in the inperfect world in which we live, woman going home with a stranger is like driving drunk (no .08 blood alcohol but F’d up) if you make it home in one piece you probably so shook you swear you never do that sht again. Makes a great story only if it turned out ok.

  • Kimmy

    If you hadn’t mentioned alcohol being involved you might have had a valid point, because then the Debbie Downer effect could def be a factor.

  • morningjoi

    You’re just trying to get a rise out of people today, huh? On to the next blog…

  • fixedwater

    wow, seems they just lit you up in these comments. as a grown woman, I see both sides but haven’t really experienced much of this. my girls and I have not really had this ever occur. maybe cause my BFF is “scary” as he!! and just won’t get with anyone she hasn’t known well in other situations. as in all her experiences have been with a large circle of good friends and close associates – You basically need references when it comes down to it.
    Me on the other hand, i generally go pretty gutta and most of my girls feel sorry for the guy who takes me home gets me in a situation I’m not feelin then to the point I’ve changed my mind – this has happened to me – and I basically fought this guy to the early light. <<< this situation is the type of instance most women are trying to protect each other from. having had this experience (and I'm pretty "masculine" in my view of going for and getting yours) but I know most women would not be able to change their mind as the buzz wore off, she got a good look at you, your spot, the smell of you spot/bed/pillow/whatever and get out unscathed.
    I also understand that if I were out on my own say on a date, my girls can't block for me, so at all time I wear my big girl drawls and make my own decisions and then live with it rain or shine. I get where you're coming from though, she should own her decision. But as some have noted if one of your girls is making "suspicious" decisions she wouldn't normally make sober or you know she is beyond her limit of BAC, then it makes sense for them to act on her behalf. Most women wouldn't keep drinking in a situation they didn't feel comfortable in, and part of the reason she might have passed the point of no return is that she knows "my girls are here, I'm good."
    See for men the goal remains the same, get a nut – sober or drunk. For women this is not the case and her girls usually have the best insight as to what the repercussions will be in the morning, so respect it. Remember my girls are my friends not yours so they do not care what you want, they are here for me – period.
    Also please note: if my friend really wants to go home with you and I was the concerned friend saying "no, you're coming with me" she wouldn't care what I said. Afterall like you said she is grown! All my talking would only make her think twice about whether she really wants you or not.

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com M. Hendricks

    @Kady
    I see what you are saying but what’s wrong if one of the young women you hang out with who doesn’t normally go home w/ a random man doing it? She’s just trying something new. Just make sure you go through all safety procautions with her before she does.

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com M. Hendricks

    @L. Dejean

    Well since none of the people you hang out with do that then you have nothing to worry about. I’m not saying it’s not dangerous to go home with a stranger, just be aware and mindful of who this person is. I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t care about my friends well-being but I choose not to concern myself with their actions unless it deals with illegal and/or self-destructing behavior.

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com M. Hendricks

    Okay let’s change the scenario and take alcohol out the picture completely and let’s say you’re friend is completely sober. Would you still try and convince her not to go home with a stranger?

  • L. Dejean

    @M. Hendricks

    Thing is, you can’t be aware or mindful of who the person is because that person is what? a stranger…meaning, you don’t know them and therefore are not aware of who they are or what they are capable of! Its not my friends I have to worry about, its the dudes that try to swoop in when their defenses are down that I have to worry about. I concern myself with their actions cause guess who they call or text the next day because they are so upset about what happened (or who their parents call when they don’t see them in the morning), yup, that’s right, me. That is not what I want to hear first thing in the morning/afternoon. If they get hurt, I have to find a way to the hospital & I’m going to be the one to find a way to help take care of them or take care of them cause part of why whatever happened happened if my fault & i wasn’t on my job to try to prevent it.

    And please don’t take this as “i’m the ugly friend, therefore i gets no play” *hits buzzer* wrong, i’m not (and I’m definitely not the ugly). I’m just the one that cares about them cause just as i would look out for them, they would look out for me.

  • Allison

    All good points but your also forgetting a crucial element of the cock block. I never let a girlfriend go home with a guy unless 1)she tells me she really wants to, 2)I’ve met the guy and 3)she tells me when and how she’ll be back. Since I was a child I always had to tell my parents where I was going, with whom, when I’ll be back and how I planned on getting back. I carried that into my college life and the years after as well as all my other girlfriends. It’s just something all girls had to do. Guys never had to do this so therefore they don’t understand why we are cautious about leaving the group. We were taught the buddy system, to look out for each other, and never walk home alone from a very early age. That is why I will try to talk my friend out of going home with someone she barely knows. I would hate for anything bad to happen to her and honestly you simply never know. Yes all of her friends saw you (if you were to harm her) and there were probably cameras but either way people are crazy and none of those things can help once your friend is gone. Putting the guy in jail maybe but it doesn’t bring your friend back. I’d rather block a friend from going home with a stranger than being the friend who didn’t attempt to look out for her.

  • AlongCameStacey

    @Kimmy I agree.

    No, my drunk friend can’t go home with you. BUT if you stick around for the seemingly impromptu, yet oh so ritualistic, trip to the diner for breakfast, and after she’s sober she still thinks you’re kind of a big deal, then you two crazy kids can run off into the sunrise together and do what grown-ups do.

    And just because we see the face of the dude our friend went home with does not make him a safe choice. There are plenty of men that can disappear without a trace. It might sound a bit extra but people always think it will never happen to them and it surely can. I’m a New Yorker, born and raised; I give everyone the side-eye. And I’m extra wary of people who are too nice.

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com M. Hendricks

    @L. Dejean

    Well would that being said, you’re friend is a stranger to the man and what if you’re friend is the danger to him? Of course you’re going to say my friend wouldn’t do anything to him but you don’t know that. You can’t put anything past anybody. You have faith that she won’t. (By the way I’m not saying that you’re friend would or is capable). I get those phone/ text about what my friend does last night also. Being the friend I am I listen and state my opinion on the matter and it’s up to her to take it how she wants. It would be tragic if something bad happens to her but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t do my job as friend. It was something that was out of my control.

    And trust I don’t take you as the “ugly friend” I’ve never seen you so I can’t be the judge of that. Continue to care that what makes you a great friend.

  • acj

    I love your blog. I read it faithfully. But I just can’t get behind this post. Actually, I’m more than a little disgusted/disappointed.

  • http://twitter.com/missmxdfeelings Kady

    @L. Dejean

    If they are sober, its a different senario. I guess I have enough confidence in my friends to trust there decisions sober, I would still be like “Your going where with who” but thats about it.

  • L. Dejean

    @M. Hendricks

    Well, i actually know my friends are capable of hurting people…you think i would hang out with folks who didn’t know how to defend themselves somehow? I’m 4’11″ dude, i can’t always defend my peoples outside of biting a few kneecaps or picking up a barstool! We fight dirty! lol! However, knowing how my friends are, that would be something that would never be lived down and if she is upset enough, could potentially destroy our friendship as she may have seen it as i was not on my job. If her parents heard anything, they may not trust me ever again…and i work hard to ensure my friends & their families that I am trustworthy.

    Everyone’s friends are different so maybe yours would take it different than mine. And I don’t have an avvy, guess gravatar doesn’t work on here, lol! You do the same dude.

  • http://twitter.com/missmxdfeelings Kady

    @HoneyMoney

    “We have to constantly think about protecting ourselves, whether its just way back in the back of our mind doing whatever or sitting in a shady livery cab at 3am clutching our keys between our knuckles.”

    Exactly!!! I use the key knucle thing too, men just don’t understand, If I get home too late I will walk with 911 already typed in, so all I would have to do is hit send.

  • ER

    Great post Jozen… And ur right, they’re just hating. Case in point: I’ve ever seen a group of girls half as concerned about seatbelt safety, texting while driving or the regulation of nuclear proliferation (all far more imminent threats) as they are about ruining a perfectly competent decision to engage in casual encounters of the third kind…

  • DoveKat

    I find this post to be funny! At the end of the day….ADULTS need to take responsibilties for their own actions. I mean come on….how much can I do if a “grown” friend of mine wants to partake in some type of random foolishness……All I can do is offer my objection and hope you see reason. If not….here’s a condom!!! Odds are half of yall aren’t getting tested now with a person you have known for longer than one night! So Jozen I love it!! Thanks for the chuckles!

  • Danni

    LOL oh, Jozen :) . I feel bad cuz’ I think dude was really just trying to be lighthearted with this one, especially after yesterday’s debauchery. Ah well, there’s always Monday :) .