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Five Things We’re Not Doing Since We’re Not Having Sex

Ladies, it’s okay to make a man wait for sex. Go ahead. Women should wait until they’re comfortable with the man they’re dating before they allow him access to the goods. I can respect it. I can be patient. If I like her, she can take as long as she wants to take.

But here’s the thing. No, wait, as a matter of fact, five things, just so we’re clear, because all of us, men and women, have our comfort zones. She has hers. I have mine. So take notes ladies, read through them, and make sure to remember them: Five things I’m not quite comfortable doing with her and won’t be doing with her until she does IT with me.

THERE WILL BE NO MEETING OF THE FRIENDS

This is way more of an intimate act than sex. Letting a woman in on my own personal illuminati? Girl, please. These men are my inner circle, and we talk about the things only men talk about like, whether or not I’m actually getting some from the girl I introduced them to, and because I’m a man of dignity, I must admit that I’m not. And because they are a group of men who will take any opportunity to crack a joke on me, I will now be the laughing stock of the group because I introduced to them a girl who hasn’t even let me hold her panties. I’d rather save myself the embarrassment.

THERE WILL BE NO MOVING OF THE THINGS

During the brief time I lived back home in Seaside, after college, I met a girl one night at this party. We were hitting it off really well, but I knew I was moving within the next month, so I had to work fast. When she mentioned she was moving to a new apartment in the next two weeks, I thought I had an in. Two weeks later, I’m the sucker at her place, helping her move all her stuff. All of it. Even the couch. Just me and her. And the only thing that kept me lifting these heavy boxes is the hope I had that she saw me working all my muscles and would want to jump my bones on this big couch right after I was done taking it up a flight of stairs. The day turned into night, the night turned into late night, and finally she offered up her new place instead of making me drive the hour and a half back home.

Of course I obliged, thinking it was about to go down, but I was given a quick elbow (with love!) when I tried to spoon up next to her. The next morning when I woke up on my side of the bed she said to me, “Did you know in the middle of the night, while you were asleep, you were rubbing my nipples? You reached over and you started rubbing them and I would have stopped you but it actually felt good.”

“Wait, what?” I replied. “You told me before we went to sleep that nothing was going down!”

“I know,” she said. “And I’m not saying anything would have happened, but it did feel good.”

“And I didn’t wake up at all?” I asked.

“Nope,” she said. “You were knocked out…must have been so tired from all that moving you did.”

And that right there is why I’m never helping a woman move her stuff until I know we’re having sex.

THERE WILL BE NO CONSUMING OF THE ALCOHOL

Ask anyone who knows me, when I drink I get red. I hate it. It’s my Asian glow and I’m extremely self-conscious about it. It’s one of the reasons I hate drinking during the day because just a sip and I look like I’ve been hitting the bottle all day. So because drinking in front of people makes me self-conscious and very uncomfortable, I prefer not to drink in front of women I’m getting to know and I would prefer if women did not drink in front of me, even if they have no qualms about drinking by themselves. I mean, if a woman didn’t want to have sex with me, how rude would I be to just get naked in front of her and say, “Okay, that’s cool. I’ll do this by myself.” Pretty rude. Most women would never want me to ask them to join me in doing something that made them feel uncomfortable, right? Right. So, she must extend to me the same respect. Until she is ready to open up to me on an intimate level, I am not showing her an intimate side of me, the red side. Plus, she probably assumes my hormones are out of control anyway, why can’t I assume her drinking is out of control?

THERE WILL BE NO SHARING OF THE DRINKS

Not only will we not be drinking alcoholic beverages together, we will also not be sharing a straw, cup, or bottle of any non-alcoholic beverages. Why? Because one of the reasons why she is not letting me sleep with her is she doesn’t know where my ummm, manhood(?) has been and that’s cool. I understand. But I don’t know where her lips have been either, so why would I share my refreshing bottle of Gatorade with her? I’ll get her her own before that happens. And speaking of lips, here’s the last of my no-no’s until she says yes, yes…

THERE WILL BE NO KISSING OF THE LIPS

In 6th grade, back when kissing meant the world to a boy like me, I Nathan McCall’s memoir, Makes Me Wanna Holler. In the book, he talks about the time growing up with his friends where all they thought about was sex and how smooth a young man had to be. The smoothest of the smooth were the men who could somehow hook up with a girl without even having kissed her first. And I remember reading that thinking there was no way it was possible. Then I got older and discovered while it’s still a very difficult thing to pull off, and highly unlikely (like making a shot from the three-quarters length of the court) it can happen. I have also developed a deeper appreciation for kissing, it’s one of those things associated with people we really like, so if she doesn’t like me enough to sleep with me, why are we kissing? To get a gauge of other things I can do? What is this sixth grade?

The first time we sleep together should immediately follow the first time we kiss. I think we can all agree, kissing is a pretty intimate act. Especially, French kissing — which has magically retained its spot as one of the most deeply passionate forms of PDA since the fourth grade — because it has tongue and all this other stuff, so let’s just wait to do it all. If she doesn’t want to sleep with me, why does she want to kiss me? The way I see it, instead of saving something for later, let’s just save the whole thing for later. Kissing is a formality. Is it fun? Sure. Absolutely. Is it all I want? Never. Ever.

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  • http://natashasjourney-natasha.blogspot.com Natasha

    Hahahaha…I think women LOVE to kiss based on the comments. I have had people tell me that they do not kiss because it leads to sex. These are folks who never had sex or decided to stop having sex until they get married. I personally have to kiss to gauge how he would be if we were intimate!

    Based on this post we would be dapping each other all day LOL! You are crazy Jozen.

  • http://yesijukebox.blogspot.com Yesi Jukebox

    @Jozen – I would’ve thought some commentors would contribute their own list of things too..if I had a crazy list of things I don’t do with guys i’m not doing I would share but i’m somewhat flexible with my rules..only one I don’t break is: if you aren’t my boyfriend I’m not giving oral.

  • Cristina

    @Natasha
    I had an ex that said his mom told him kisses and hugs lead to sex! I was LMAO when I read your post, I guess he’s not the only one who was told that by his momma. But in my experience very true.

  • Maria

    If you save it all for the first time you have sex and you’re horrible at it then you’ve just wasted your time. You may wanna kiss a girl first so she can see what’s she’s working with otherwise if you’re saving everything it better be worth it. Good Luck!!

  • **inquiring mind**

    @Natasha
    oh Sh!t! I peed at “dapping each other all day LOL”

    @AlongCameStacey
    “Letting you know where I live.”… I’m that way too! I’m good forgettin real quite when “where you stay” comes into the conversation.

    @Danni Aww, Pookie… you may have a point hmph… One I’ll add (just for kicks)… When guys be sayin they don’t “eat” … hahahaha! #bwoystop

  • **inquiring mind**

    @**inquiring mind** @ ACS, I meant quiet… smh

  • http://Bubblyblackgirl.wordpress.com Renae

    @Cristina and @Natasha, My mom and grandmom ALWAY said, “Kissin’ is as close to f***ing.” But realistically, what girl is going to put out for a guy who’s a bad kisser? I once made out with a guy, and it felt like I was being attacked by an octopus! Not only did he not get laid, by me, but he also didn’t get a complimentary grope let alone a call back.

  • Kimmy

    “The first time we sleep together should be immediately followed by the first time we kiss.” I’ve heard of some people who think kissing is almost always a pre-cursor to sex and they can’t kiss without needing more, but this is something else. I wonder how that goes down with the girls?

  • Kimmy

    @ Renae LOL at complimentary grope!

  • BoomShots

    I am with you on women deciding when they want to have sex with me, I don’t have a time rule specifically but lets just say it has to happen within a reasonable time period. Sexual relations should never be the primary reason for being with a woman, a benefit never a reason.

    That being said, if I am intimate with you that means we are sharing more than those with whom I am not intimate. It is taking teh relationship to another level and there are afterall certain benefits that go with that. Mine is unless we having sex we are not sharing a bed.

    Yeah you not sleeping with me in my bed to just cuddle. I got a spare bed as an overnight guest with whom I am not sexually involved you are welcome to use it. Like Jozen said I am willing to let you be comfortable so that makes me comfortable.

    I am gonna kiss you deeply, share drinks, have you sit on my lap, caress your arms and legs lovingly’ buy you drinks, serve you drinks at my place but definitely no moving help. I only move close friends and I am not trying to fuck my friends and we not that close so ergo she disqualified.

    But everything else is intended to get us to intimacy quicker so hey lets go for a drink and we can make out at my place at night and you can stay over in my bed!!

  • rwifey

    u and i have been going good, for awhile, i always play nice, i dont always repost ur entries, but ones that touch home, this one…..hmmmmmmmm cmon jozen, i had a to each his own attitude until i got to the kissing one, so we gotta make out heavy and have sex for the first time, all in one night, really? if kissing is wack, ur sex chances are dire, so i gotta commit to all in one shot? really?

  • http://alishawritinglife.wordpess.com Alisha

    Awww Jozen!! No kissing until sex? Sometimes that one passionate kiss can be what sends a girl over the edge to yes, instead of no.

  • Danni

    @**inquiring mind**

    Ha! Girl, boo, I believe dudes when they say that as much as I believe it when they tell me “I just need some time alone”. They know good and d**n well they like eating juicy fruit. GTFOH.

  • goalawal

    @jozen BUAhahahahahahahhhahaahahahahhaa this must be ur month cos you are getting all kinds of comments…. I especially love the “i dont usually comment but comments”

    LMFAO @ Juicy Fruit… i mean i’ve heard the pleasure treasure.. but juicy fruit takes the cake…

    My 5 things we’re NOT doing since we’re not having SEX.
    1. WE ARE NOT GOING TO CHURCH TOGETHER
    2. I’m DEFINITELY not biting the box….
    3. We’re NOT going on trips / vacation together..
    4. Being that i’m in the DMV.. I’m NOT going to being your personal driver anywhere hug the metro // armtrak
    5. NO KISSING… (Yeah, i said it while trying 2 channel my inner jozenc)
    a. I prolly wont kiss a chic if i felt my kissing game is sub par…..
    b. Also, if women in my past have never questioned my want to NOT kiss, why should u… i’m stuck in my ways
    c. Have y’all considered that maybe if one isnt a good kisser they would rather not kiss until y’all bumped uglies 1st n knew the d_ _ k game was proper
    d. If i was still 15 i prolly wont kiss a chic cos i would prolly be thinking “dont know whose dick she prolly just sucked, until she sucked mine n tried 2 kiss me.

    I’m DONE

  • http://www.max-logic.com max

    I’m feeling this line of thinking…it actually gave me a good idea for a response post, but that’s another story. The “no kissing” thing does kinda sting though; because the first kiss is so big. It’s part of what makes me decide whether I eventually want to have sex with the dude or not. But I guess if I’m making a man wait for sex he has a right to make me wait for kissing.

  • Ceej

    I love the blog. Been reading it for about a month now. This was hilarious.

    You sound bitter. Funny & bitter.
    I’m not mad… because I don’t believe you on half of it but it was very cute 7 entertaining.

    The moving… I get. But don’t help me move if you want me to pay you with the goods. I’ll pay you with cash. Your a mover I can trust. lol.

    The no kissing?
    Dude you’ll NEVER get near my bottoms if you can’t give affection to the top.

    Friends…
    If you met me, I’ve probably already met your friends. You will have met me in a social setting (because men rarely approach me in the grocery store, barnes & nobles, etc) and at least one of your friend is bound to be with you.

    If your shy about being red… then your shy about being red. But don’t blame it on me not giving up the goods. Love you asian mixes… I tell ya… the cutest!

    And sharing drinks… hmmm… I’m not a fan of sharing any of my food or drink but if I wanted you to taste my Lychee Martini and I look directly in your eyes & make that face (you know the one that makes you want to rip my clothes off)… your not gonna sip it because I haven’t given up the goods?

    STOP. IT.

    lol

    Again.. love the blog.

    ;)

  • http://thecandyshoppe.wordpress.com Ronnie6676

    I absolutely agree that kissing is a very intimate act…reserved for only those that I am going do IT with. Also have to point out that a man who can get me to the point of sex without ever having kissed me is rare (and smoove as hell) lol

  • fixedwater

    life’s too short to live by the rules!!!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14609144495895919568 sunkissed404

    I only ready the first pargraph so far…and I’m already saying “Not fair:(” in my head…here goes!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14609144495895919568 sunkissed404

    “The first time we sleep together should immediately follow the first time we kiss. I think we can all agree, kissing is a pretty intimate act. ”

    Nuh-uhhhn.. Kissing is intimate. It leaves you with something to think about…until next time;) lol (Aaliyah’s-”If at first you don’t succeed…”) ha! Y’all give up so quick!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14609144495895919568 sunkissed404

    @mimi
    Hello…(*high fiving through computer*) That’s where the majority of them mess up. lmbo

  • Trinity

    Lol@all the commenters that got it all wrong. You really need to reread the post before you hop on the “bash jozens post” bandwagon. He said I’m not kissing unless I know it’s going down. He didn’t say anything about having sex and then kissing. Lol. It cracks me up how much people take what he says to heart. It’s his opinion and bottom line apparently not the man for you. Don’t get mad at the brother for putting it out there. Jozen do you! And excellent post yet again!

    To add on my own. I agree with one of the 1st commenters no ral unless it’s been going down already. *shrug* sue me!

  • ShaCrista

    Great post! Although I’m a great kisser & I do enjoy it, I can see how u would wanna wait. It’s a tease actually. U not gonna sleep with me but u wanna kiss me all good and stuff! Hell no! But I know the moment I see a dude if it’s going down or not. No time for games!

  • Roni

    I was with you until I got to the “no kissing” part. I must be old school because for the life of me I can’t even imagine what kind of female is going to be cool with that. “Not I,” said Veronica, “not I.”

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  • mimi

    Kady :
    I seriously feel like I just read a list written by a college freshman and not a grown man.

    exactly. some of this stuff seems kind of petty. i think you’re trying to be funny here, “tongue in cheek” you called it in your glamour interview, but you may have missed the mark. you just sound whiney.

  • mimi

    @sunkissed404
    hahaha! THAT is definitely true! i went on a date a couple weeks ago and the guy was like right away with way too much… it was just ew. maybe he should institute his own Rule #5 and do us unsuspecting girls out there a favor.

  • E

    @Yesi Jukebox
    Just to add to that.. If you’re not my boyfriend- you’re not getting oral. & if you’re not my boyfriend you’re NOT getting bucket nekkid pictures :)

  • L. Dejean

    I get the post but um Yeaaa…i need kissing before anything sessual goes down…that’s how start to get into the “mood”…That was quite wrong of the chick to make you do all that work but no reward what so ever…if i was being rubbed like that, more than likely i’m doing one of two things, 1) move the hand if i’m not ready or 2) retaliate with the booty push & proceed to wake dude up. lol!

    I’ve had a dude take my drink & drink from the bottle (it was a sports water bottle at that) i was a bit taken aback but couldn’t say anything cause dude towered over me…this was long before we ever did anything sessual, lol!

    I think this list is contingent upon the person cause everyone is different but I totally get that this is you & can respect it!

  • KayLynn C

    … Lots of women gauge a man’s ability as a partner in bed or in life just from the first kiss. So it’s a wonder you get laid frequently. you’re a prude.

  • sideeye

    I concur with many of the women commenting on the first kiss…I lovveee a really good kiss is IT for me but hey everyone has something.

    I understand the whole concept regarding sharing the drinks (germs/and or other things) but at the same time, I find this ridiculous because would you not think about the possibility of said persons lips being whereever while getting busy..bottomline you’re gonna get some of that anyway…lol!!!

  • Shelly

    Oh no Jozen, not kissing….of all things…don’t neglect the kissing :( It’s like being on a diet, you can’t have fatty icecream but AT LEAST you can substitute fat free yogurt with fresh fruit to hold you over (preferably PinkBerry)!
    So sad to hear…I love kissing…

    ~your tall friend that loves to kiss

  • zy

    I swear, I read this list and cracked the hell up!! Most of it was actually pretty understandable… until you got to the kissing part. you mean to tell me, you’ve NEVER kissed a girl you hadn’t been sleeping with? NEVER??!!! c’mon son!!! I’m not buying that one AT ALL! I can only speak for me so let me just say this… if we’re not kissing, you’re definitely not getting the panties. kissing is one way i know if i’m even willing to give up the panties so to wait until right before we hit the sheets to delve into that one… NO BUENO!

  • Vonzell

    I along with most other women disagree with number five. We certainly aren’t having any sex without the precursor of a kiss!

  • Doesn’t Matter

    HA, I know you emphasized she was tipsy but I just have to say, like Kanye said you “Gon’ go through too much BS just to mess with these drunk and hot girls”. Don’t do it!

  • http://www.teaandsuch.blogspot.com Tea

    ahahahah this is uber funny. There will be no moving of the things. The good news is I have enough money to pay for movers AND I have girlfriends who actually have moved more furniture to and from my house than any man I know. I’ll make sure I’m giving up the snatch because I want to, not to get some tables into the crib. Yes, I said snatch. You are all free to make fun of me. LOL!

  • citygirl22

    @Tea girl, ur hilarious…
    The way I see it, a woman doesn’t give up the snatch as payment for moving. Yet, there are the male “friends” she might ask for a favor and the male (strictly) friends she might not bother to ask. I think most of us have a few of each!!!

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  • poooooki

    I appreciate this entry as an entertaining writing piece, but that’s clearly all it is. I’m calling your bluff and saying you don’t really adhere to all these rules.