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Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The Virgin Edition

In her defense, she told me before we even went out on our first date. It was kind of like a warning, but I didn’t take it that way, more so like a challenge. She was a virgin and she was going to remain that way until she was married. Having known my reputation for liking sex (which isn’t even really a reputation so much as it is a stereotype, accurate and true), she wanted to give me an out, but that’s not what I wanted.

I wanted in. Not in a physical sense. The challenge I saw was not to break this girl down and make her change her mind. I just wanted to be close to this girl I had my eye on for months, and was curious to see if I could actually get to an intimate connection that goes beyond sex. So I accepted these circumstances and I gave it my all, as a consequence, this is what happened.

The first date convinced me I could do this. Did I want to sleep with her from the moment we met at a park? Sure did. Did I care we weren’t going to do it that night nor anytime in the not so distant future? Sure did not. On our first date, the virgin thing was only discussed briefly because I was curious to know more about her position on it. Was the decision based on a certain upbringing, religious beliefs, secular-but-deeply-seeded personal beliefs? She explained all of it to me and even said to me she was very sexual, she didn’t have sex.  I was intrigued on how that worked, but more importantly, I was having a good time with the girl sitting on that park bench.

That first date turned into many more dates, most of which occurred at her place. She liked to stay in and I certainly didn’t mind it, because staying in with her also meant a fantastic feast. The girl could cook and she cooked often. For two weeks, there was absolutely no problems. Even in the bedroom where “nothing” was supposed to be going down, a lot was actually going down between us. She was one of those “everything-but” girls and I thought it would suit me just fine. Who needs sex, I thought.

Then three weeks went by and I realized, I needed sex. I can’t recall it being any one particular thing that switched the tempo. Or, wait a minute, I actually do.

I went to her place straight after work. She was already there, and when she opened the door, there she stood in an apron and black lace underwear. The food smelled delicious. She looked delicious. We ate the food. Then went to her bedroom to make out for what felt like the 50th time since our first kiss. All night. I kept on hitting triples. No home runs. Just up to third base, and then, back to sleep.

In relationships where both parties know things are going to go down eventually, waiting can be frustrating, but it’s a part of the game. I don’t get caught up in the whole when-should-a-woman-give-it-up question because I feel like she should give it up when she feels like she wants me. That’s going to make for the best experience. But with the virgin, there was no waiting game because, well, it wasn’t going to happen, not until she wanted to get married. Oh, and about that, marriage and all, she didn’ see herself walking down the aisle for at least five years.

Frustration was mounting, unlike me, and it would especially boil over when we argued about things unrelated to the big elephant in the room. I found myself growing irritated by small, trivial things, and even more upset that when the argument passed and it was time to makeup, we would only go so far before we had stop. And trust me, we always went far. As a matter of fact, there were a couple of times where we thought we were going to round home, but it was always in the most passionate moments, when neither of us were thinking with properly.

To the girl’s credit, she noticed my frustration and began to ask me if things were okay, but not in one of those patronizing ways. You know, when people know what is wrong and want to try and get them to just say it? She knew exactly what the issue was, and while she held firm to what she believed in, she still wanted to try and make me happy, so she came up with an interesting proposition.

I remember this vividly, we were both lying in the bed together and my eyes were closed. It was, mid-afternoon, a weekend. Kind of quiet. “You know, as long as you didn’t tell me, I wouldn’t mind if you did what you had to do,” she said. When she finished her sentence, my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

“Huh?” I said, now turning to face her.

She looked back at me and as serious as a face one can make without looking resentful or angry, she said, “I want to see you happy, so you can do what you want with who you want, just don’t tell me.”

I was baffled and kind of happy, feeling like I was just given bail money. But I kept everything under control and honestly, I was still confused not as to what she meant, but what it all meant for me.

“I’ll think about it,” I said.

Then, I thought for a couple of days about it. Here was this girl who I really liked but wasn’t doing this one thing that I felt was very important in any relationship. I was thinking about everything from as logical of a point of view as I could. I saw the pluses. I saw the minuses. I weighted them. Discussed it with my boys, some of whom also saw the pluses and minuses. I didn’t know what I was going to do and what was funny was how my confusion was all I needed to clear things up.

The way I saw it, the only reason why I was thinking about what on paper seemed like an ideal arrangement, was because I actually liked the girl. My frustrations weren’t about the fact that I couldn’t get any. Within the time the girl and I were dating, I had more than a couple of chances to do get my rocks off with other girls, but such thoughts never even permeated my brain. And now that I was given approval to do so under the most convenient of conditions (just don’t say anything), the desire I had to be with other women was something I had to think about?

What I realized was I wanted to be intimate with the girl I actually liked. This girl, whose cooking I loved, whose company I dug, whose beauty was so striking I wanted to ask her for a wallet sized picture I could carry with me, that’s who I wanted to be with in every single way one could be with someone. And I don’t think she understood that because a lot of women will tell a man, “You can call up someone else to get some,” not knowing the man knows he can get some from someone else but wants some from her.

I made my decision not to take her up on her offer, and told her with no hope it would convince her to change her mind. As I said, she told me the deal from the very beginning and back before I got in four weeks deep, I could have left, but I didn’t. I stayed and got to know this great, great girl. So I was determined to stick it out for as long as I could.

A week later, the two of us argued over something so stupid, so small, it’s going to one day be written about in a separate post, and I left. As it turned out, my “long as I could” had come to an end.

  • Violet

    “What I realized was I wanted to be intimate with the girl I actually liked. This girl, whose cooking I loved, whose company I dug, whose beauty was so striking I wanted to ask her for a wallet sized picture I could carry with me, that’s who I wanted to be with in every single way one could be with someone. And I don’t think she understood that because a lot of women will tell a man, “You can call up someone else to get some,” not knowing the man knows he can get some from someone else but wants some from her.”

    I like this A LOT! That’s all for now.

  • KID_CHAINSAW

    Is it bad that when she said, “I want to see you happy, so you can do what you want with who you want, just don’t tell me.” I didn’t think of him sleeping with other chicks? I thought of fucking her in her sleep…

  • zy

    i’m glad you put this up as a “warning” of sorts because frankly, many men will go for the “challenge” of a virgin and then wonder why the relationship didn’t work out. lol

    it’s a bit sad though, because it seemed as though you really liked this girl and wanted to be with her. what i find messed up though, is the fact that she was testing the boundaries of sex knowing full well that she wasn’t giving it up. that’s not fair to the men she dates and in some sense, with the wrong man, it can be a dangerous thing for her…

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  • Kimmy

    Great post. You both were probably setting yourselves up for failure in the long-term by pursuing the relationship knowing you weren’t on the same page but I think its really sweet that you liked her so much that you gave it a shot and didn’t try to force her to change her views. Like so many commenters though, I completely understand the decision to wait until marriage to have sex but what I don’t understand is the “everything but” philosophy unless like one person said, the motivating factor is fear of pregnancy. It seems to be to be inherently contradictory, whether your reasoning is for religious reasons or not, well, especially if your reasoning is for religious reasons. For instance, is oral sex not intimate? Not personal? Carries no risk of STDs? Is it not sex?

  • sideeye

    I commend your effort to get to know her Jozen; but I knew it wasn’t gonna work out mainly because you were on two different lanes as far as what you were seeking in the long term…

    I hope you two are still friend at least…

  • cinnamon

    “Most men offer relationships to get sex and most women offer sex to get relationships.”

    @Boomshots – This comment you made is SO true! I think that these “everything but” virgins are quite the contradiction. So, you don’t want to have sex because you’re “waiting until you get married” and “sex is so sacred” yet you will suck some dude off (excuse my crude language), let some dude lick, dip his fingers in, etc., etc., the very thing that you are saving for the man God (in most cases) has for you or some other logic? CHILE PUH-LEEZ!!! The ONE thing that is very important for women to do when dealing with a man is to stand by your convictions and mean what the hell you say. I’m sorry, but like many commenters before me have stated, if you are doing “everything but” including oral sex, you are NOT a virgin! If you are so convicted by your beliefs – be it religious or something else, why are you compromising for a man that you obviously don’t deem “worthy”?!?! These women are just playing hypocritical games and are just as wack as the men who try to “trick” REAL virgins into giving it up. I’m not aware of any Bible passage that states that “everything but” is acceptable. People need to stop making a mockery out of God with this mess. Your p*ssy is NOT some bargainning chip to wave around and give to the highest bidder. Intimacy is about more than penatration and other sexual acts. Women want to fuss and say that men don’t take us seriously all the time but it’s this and other types of effed up logic that keeps getting us played/dumped/taken for granted because men will and are calling your bluff. And most of the time, that’s all it really is.

  • http://www.since84.wordpress.com talia

    …In high school, I hole punched an 8×10 photo of my boyfriend at the time, and wore it around my neck as a medallion. Way to represent….

    …in retrospect, I’m thinking a wallet sized photo, kept in my wallet, would have been a better look.

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com M. Hendricks

    The devil, the devil, the devil!!! I despise the actions of women who “do everything but”. They are nothing but big teases! (Weird coming from a straight woman). I feel as though they are not only cheating the man but cheating themselves. If you’re waiting to marriage to screw, wait and do EVERYTHIING until marriage. Kudos to you Jozen for staying as long as you did but you know it’s your fault for staying…

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com M. Hendricks

    @cinnamon

    Girl, you read my mind!!! I mean you literally took the words out of my mouth!! Get out of my head!! LOL!!

  • http://mycrownglory.blogspot.com/ Charlene

    That was just down right mean for her to come to the door in an apron and black lace underwear….LOL. I’m surprised you lasted for a month, good job!

  • Vonzell

    Thank you for this blog post. It really helped me to see inside a guy’s mind and understand his thought process- thanks. I will definitely be reading this blog more.

    I hope I’m not harsh, but the relationship was doomed from the start. Two committed people need to have the same goals and aspirations for the relationship or it is doomed.

    Her “everything-but” attitude was by no-means truly virtuous, and in fact worse than just giving it up from a moral standpoint. If she is truly committed to being a virgin until marriage, I respect that. But it’s a lot more than just the technical definition of the word. It’s also in attitude. It was totally wrong of her to lead you up the sex ladder then push you off (Excuse my horrible analogy, but I’m hungry and can’t think straight 🙂 ).

    All in all, I think a crucial piece in making a relationship work is dating someone with the same morals as you. I want to save myself for marriage, and so I won’t date anyone who doesn’t share that goal with me. That should go for people who think sex before marriage is key.

  • Youidiots

    Where in the world in this post does it say that her decision not to have sex was based in religion?

  • http://www.avenue8.com MissMina

    Ugh! I hate the FREAKY VIRGIN. Remember the Finale of Sopranos where you had invested all this time watching that mess and then they didn’t even satisfy viewers with an ending, it just blacked out mid-action, NOT A GOOD FEELING. You wished you would’ve never even watched the show to get caught up in the first place and your life would’ve went on just the same. Well that’s how I feel about third-base-virgins…just keep all the episodes in the archives unless you’re gonna show the finale.

  • Doesn’t Matter

    @Boomshots

    I’m curious to know why you don’t seem to think bad sex is something that can be worked on, unless you don’t think sex is something that should be worked at (I get the term work sucks a lot of fun out of things). I guess it’s a legitimate fear to wait to have sex with someone until marriage and it be horrible but someone how I don’t think it would be that bad. For one if you make it all the way to marriage you must be deeply in love with that person so to me that passion alone would at least make things mediocre, but bad? I have a hard time believing. And in the case that it is actually bad, like everything in a GOOD marriage you work on it and make it better.

  • http://twitter.com/Lena Lena

    @Idealistic1
    Sorry, it took me awhile to respond.

    I would NEVER refer to it as “blowing up in smoke”! It was the most valuable relationship that I’ve ever been in. I grew SO much as a person! Like the Israelites of the Bible needed the desert to build character so too was my relationship. I am a much better woman having been with him.

  • Monie Love

    As everyone has previously mentioned, this young woman, although you liked her Jozen, has things twisted. Whatever her reasons were for remaining a virgin has totally been contradicted by her doing “everything but” going all the way. The fact that she answered her door in her underwear, she seems like she is full of ish. You don’t answer the door for the man that your’re dating in your underwear, unless you are ready to go all the way!

    However, my question for you based on your previous blogs How did you even get to this point that you were so intimate? Based on the last, 5 things we should not do, if we’re not having sex, one is we’re not kissing. Based on this blog, you did more than kiss, so how did you even get yourself in this predicament?

  • ryan

    I don’t think this woman was being a hypocrite. She set boundaries and she made him fully aware of them. Not every woman is a virgin for religious reasons and “everything but” doesn’t necessarily include oral sex, which is still sex. I’m a virgin but I have engaged in sexual activity…never oral sex, whether receiving or giving because that’s still sex. Every woman is entitled to do what she wants with her body as long as she is upfront with her partner beforehand. Virgins aren’t robots and we aren’t all nuns. I mean, seriously, does every woman who isn’t a virgin have oral and/or anal sex, of course not. So why do all virgins have to be one dimensional.

  • Scoob

    I bet you the next dude she got with twisted her back out. These women are always trying to get over on the nonsense. Doing everything but? Negro please…

  • citygirl22

    Like many others, I find this woman’s behavior to be somewhat suspect. The issue is not that she is a virgin (which everyone is at some point). The issue is that she has chosen celibacy; and therefore, none of this “everything-but” intimacy was going anywhere… you BOTH knew that.

    So you, Jozen, might have been a bit unrealistic in believing you could withstand temptation. And she was being selfish by constantly providing said temptation.

    @Vonzell said it best: a relationship between two unevenly yoked (whether religious or not) persons is destined to fail.

  • dellbelle

    This is funny b/c I often question why I’m not a virgin, and I really feel like I submitted to the pressure of feeling like a tease or not doing what the other girls were doing. Only, I finally learned sex isn’t going to get you a relationship, so there’s really no point in dangling it to keep the progression of a relationship going. Yet, too, I don’t understand how a guy can like you, not get any (whether you’re a virgin or not) and move it along so quickly b/c he “needs sex.” Isn’t there something else in play? I mean.. if you really liked her and not the idea of her.. couldn’t you have moved past the trivial arguments (realizing they were likely due to sexual tension) and still build something? I.E. Whether you get it or not, you’re eventually out b/c she was not enough to keep you there. You needed the sex and the sex was more about control. That’s what it reads like as nicely as it was put.

  • Groups Guy

    How far did yo get with her?
    It sounds like you engaged in a lot of “everything…but” penetration, which means heavy amounts of oral, including swallowing.

    She may have been ‘religious,’ but sure tempted fate & pushed things past mere “temptation” & put the two of you in a perilous situation.

    As you two were likely caught-up in all the passionate feelings of your heavy sexual activity, which likely included naked grinding & rubbing up against her “innocent” womanhood, I wonder how “bad” it would’ve been had you began to slowly slide into her & end her Christian “innocence.”

    Given how great she felt in those moments of deep sexual intimacy (short of penetration), I don’t think she’d have tried to stop you as you began pushing in & showing her what the real world was like.

    She may have faintly “protested” a little as you slowly began to penetrate her, but I highly doubt she’d not have wanted you inside her virgin p*ssy, which she likely all along wanted to give you….