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Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The Girl Who Only Wants Phone Sex Edition

Ever meet someone who likes one particular thing to a point where it’s almost obsessive and frankly a little weird? I understand fetishes. We all have them. I have them. Plenty of girls I have been with have them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with fetishes until they start getting in the way of, the real thing.

Now I could have very easily entitled this post “Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The Grown Woman Who Lives At Home Edition”, since this woman was my age at the age of 25, but really, none of this was because she still lived with her parents. It had something to do with this thing she liked a little bit too much and me, a guy she didn’t like quite enough, or for only one reason.

I never felt more used in my life, and yet, I couldn’t stop because frankly, I liked it too.

Thing was, I already was hip to the game. Hell, I actually put her onto it, or so she claims. It began on the first phone call after our first date. We went to a show and then had a meal and then she went to her place and as she got out of the cab she told me to give her a call.

When I arrived home, I took a shower, put on some basketball shorts, crawled into bed, and dialed up the girl’s number. We talked about all sorts of things, and it was late too but it didn’t matter because we didn’t have to be up early for anything in particular the next day. I remember it was a Friday night, so we kind of had all night to talk and talk we did.

An hour and a half into the conversation, we were still having a very substantial and stimulating talk about the most random things. But eventually the conversation led to the types of things people talk about when they feel like they’re the only two people in the world who are awake. Voices were getting sleepy but seductively so, and since we were both drunk off the calmness of the night, I decided to do something bold.

“Hey, do you want to get in a cab and come over?” I asked. She lived in Harlem too, so it wouldn’t be a long trip and there was no dress code I was requiring. “Come as you are,” I said.

“I can’t,” she said. “We just met.”

Of course, I wasn’t really into that answer so I was about to transition out of the conversation and get to bed. But just before I was about to say, “You’re right and I should get to bed anyway,” she hit me with the next best thing she could have said after rejecting my initial offer.

“But if I did come over, what would happen?”

I stumbled, mumbled, then stuttered and asked, “Are you sure you want me to answer that?”

“I asked, didn’t I,” she shot back.

“Well, I mean. How are you asking? Like are you asking because you know and you just want me to answer in the most explicit way I can. Or are you so naive you honestly don’t know what would happen if you came over right now?”

“Be explicit,” she said.

And explicit I was until we were both satisfied, and of course, then we got off the phone.

The next morning I woke up with high hopes. Phone sex, for me, always resulted in the real thing very soon after, like my own real-life Chekhov’s Gun sequence. So when I called this girl the next day, I was immediately trying to make plans for early the following week but not before we talked about the previous night.

“That was fun,” she said. “A lot of fun.”

“Well, good. I enjoyed it too.”

She then hit me with what I never saw coming, “I never did that before.”

“What we did last night?” I asked. “Really?”

“No, never. But I dont know, it was late, your voice, and the things you were saying. I just gave in.”

“Cool,” I said feeling quite proud I broadened this girl’s horizons. “It’s no real thing, but hey, it’s an adequate substitute and it definitely beats the real thing when that real thing is bad.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” she said. “You are definitely right.”

As for the plans I was trying to make, she asked me to come over the next day because she needed some help decorating for a baby shower she was throwing. Of course I agreed because, well, like I said, Chekhov’s Gun. Besides, I thought “help me decorate for a baby shower” was code for something like, “help me get in the shower, baby” or something of that ilk.

When I arrived at her place in clothes not quite appropriate to decorate anything and a dash of cologne, she had the wrap around her hair, a baby tee with scratched lettering and some shorts. As it turns out, we really were decorating and we decorated all day, until people started arriving for this shower. I didn’t even stay long enough to find out when she was going to be alone. I just told her, once we were done decorating, to call me.

And call me she did. Late. I was asleep but when I saw it was her, I acted like I was as awake as someone doing their chores. We had another conversation, this time mostly about the baby shower, and again I asked her to come over. But again, she wanted no parts of my place. And again, she asked me what I would do if she came to my place.

This pattern continued. Even as we stopped hanging out each other physically, we still had these conversations where we would talk about “what we would do” if we actually did hang out at my apartment. I found myself confused but also, very okay with this arrangement.

See, the thing about phone sex is it’s great. Period. I enjoy it. I encourage everyone to do it. Even if a couple can do the real thing, when one of them goes out of town, give each other a call late at night and say all the things you have been afraid to say, talk about the things you two have been afraid to do. That’s what me and this girl did. We talked about doing everything together. We tore each others ears up! The only problem was, there was never any follow through.

Here I was, feeling like I was getting some every night, but not really getting any. It was a booty call that was all call and no booty. Sure I was familiar with the feeling of rejection, but never halfway so. This was strange to me, a girl who said no to my face, and yes to my voice. And trust me, I’ve come up with all the theories in the world as to why this was, but the why was never as important as the “what” as in “What the hell is this girl on that she is a phone freak and a real life prude?”

So after about three weeks went by I did something I never thought I would do, I put an end to this strange arrangement. In a last ditch effort, I asked her if she wanted to come over and once again she said she couldn’t. As I recall, this was actually the first time in over a week I asked her if she wanted to come over because I thought maybe if I didn’t ask at all she would come around. She never did.

So we did it one more time, and when we were done, I explained that as much as I enjoyed what we were doing I couldn’t do it anymore and when she asked why I shot her back a question. “Well, Why we can’t do this for real?” Her explanation: “I want to but I like this and I’m afraid the real thing won’t be as good as this thing.”

And I thought it nonsense, but told her I understood. She asked, “So I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“Sure,” I said. The next day, I called AT&T instead.

“Hi, I need a number blocked.”

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  • http://mymilknhoney.wordpress.com Ms.Hunnay

    @chitown’s finest

    I agree with you and I’ve only been reading this blog for 2 weeks now.

    I’m sure Jozen will meet the lady he’s looking for someday because he seems to be a pretty down-to-earth, nice guy from his posts but he’s prolly gotta mix things up a little bit and put sex on the back-burner. It’s gonna enter the relationship at some point and if it’s an intimate and meaningful relationship maybe it’ll come within a time frame that suits his tastes. Maybe he asked too soon for her to come over and it put her off?

  • Ash

    LMAO… my high school boyfriend introduced me to phone sex when I was still a virgin. It was THE best thing ever and not everyone is good at it. By the time I got around to having actual sex with him, I think the phone sex just made it better. LOL, he already knew what I wanted, what I was sexually interested in and how far I would go.

  • b

    i guess nobody liked this post……… (lack of comments) BUT this had me rolling!!!

    And I thought it nonsense, but told her I understood. She asked, “So I’ll call you tomorrow?”

    “Sure,” I said. The next day, I called AT&T instead.

    “Hi, I need a number blocked.”

  • I

    “Besides, I thought “help me decorate for a baby shower” was code for something like, “help me get in the shower, baby””

    Hilarious. I literally laughed out loud.

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