Home > Girls You Shouldn't Fall For > Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The Girl Who Only Wants Phone Sex Edition

Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The Girl Who Only Wants Phone Sex Edition

Ever meet someone who likes one particular thing to a point where it’s almost obsessive and frankly a little weird? I understand fetishes. We all have them. I have them. Plenty of girls I have been with have them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with fetishes until they start getting in the way of, the real thing.

Now I could have very easily entitled this post “Girls You Shouldn’t Fall For: The Grown Woman Who Lives At Home Edition”, since this woman was my age at the age of 25, but really, none of this was because she still lived with her parents. It had something to do with this thing she liked a little bit too much and me, a guy she didn’t like quite enough, or for only one reason.

I never felt more used in my life, and yet, I couldn’t stop because frankly, I liked it too.

Thing was, I already was hip to the game. Hell, I actually put her onto it, or so she claims. It began on the first phone call after our first date. We went to a show and then had a meal and then she went to her place and as she got out of the cab she told me to give her a call.

When I arrived home, I took a shower, put on some basketball shorts, crawled into bed, and dialed up the girl’s number. We talked about all sorts of things, and it was late too but it didn’t matter because we didn’t have to be up early for anything in particular the next day. I remember it was a Friday night, so we kind of had all night to talk and talk we did.

An hour and a half into the conversation, we were still having a very substantial and stimulating talk about the most random things. But eventually the conversation led to the types of things people talk about when they feel like they’re the only two people in the world who are awake. Voices were getting sleepy but seductively so, and since we were both drunk off the calmness of the night, I decided to do something bold.

“Hey, do you want to get in a cab and come over?” I asked. She lived in Harlem too, so it wouldn’t be a long trip and there was no dress code I was requiring. “Come as you are,” I said.

“I can’t,” she said. “We just met.”

Of course, I wasn’t really into that answer so I was about to transition out of the conversation and get to bed. But just before I was about to say, “You’re right and I should get to bed anyway,” she hit me with the next best thing she could have said after rejecting my initial offer.

“But if I did come over, what would happen?”

I stumbled, mumbled, then stuttered and asked, “Are you sure you want me to answer that?”

“I asked, didn’t I,” she shot back.

“Well, I mean. How are you asking? Like are you asking because you know and you just want me to answer in the most explicit way I can. Or are you so naive you honestly don’t know what would happen if you came over right now?”

“Be explicit,” she said.

And explicit I was until we were both satisfied, and of course, then we got off the phone.

The next morning I woke up with high hopes. Phone sex, for me, always resulted in the real thing very soon after, like my own real-life Chekhov’s Gun sequence. So when I called this girl the next day, I was immediately trying to make plans for early the following week but not before we talked about the previous night.

“That was fun,” she said. “A lot of fun.”

“Well, good. I enjoyed it too.”

She then hit me with what I never saw coming, “I never did that before.”

“What we did last night?” I asked. “Really?”

“No, never. But I dont know, it was late, your voice, and the things you were saying. I just gave in.”

“Cool,” I said feeling quite proud I broadened this girl’s horizons. “It’s no real thing, but hey, it’s an adequate substitute and it definitely beats the real thing when that real thing is bad.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” she said. “You are definitely right.”

As for the plans I was trying to make, she asked me to come over the next day because she needed some help decorating for a baby shower she was throwing. Of course I agreed because, well, like I said, Chekhov’s Gun. Besides, I thought “help me decorate for a baby shower” was code for something like, “help me get in the shower, baby” or something of that ilk.

When I arrived at her place in clothes not quite appropriate to decorate anything and a dash of cologne, she had the wrap around her hair, a baby tee with scratched lettering and some shorts. As it turns out, we really were decorating and we decorated all day, until people started arriving for this shower. I didn’t even stay long enough to find out when she was going to be alone. I just told her, once we were done decorating, to call me.

And call me she did. Late. I was asleep but when I saw it was her, I acted like I was as awake as someone doing their chores. We had another conversation, this time mostly about the baby shower, and again I asked her to come over. But again, she wanted no parts of my place. And again, she asked me what I would do if she came to my place.

This pattern continued. Even as we stopped hanging out each other physically, we still had these conversations where we would talk about “what we would do” if we actually did hang out at my apartment. I found myself confused but also, very okay with this arrangement.

See, the thing about phone sex is it’s great. Period. I enjoy it. I encourage everyone to do it. Even if a couple can do the real thing, when one of them goes out of town, give each other a call late at night and say all the things you have been afraid to say, talk about the things you two have been afraid to do. That’s what me and this girl did. We talked about doing everything together. We tore each others ears up! The only problem was, there was never any follow through.

Here I was, feeling like I was getting some every night, but not really getting any. It was a booty call that was all call and no booty. Sure I was familiar with the feeling of rejection, but never halfway so. This was strange to me, a girl who said no to my face, and yes to my voice. And trust me, I’ve come up with all the theories in the world as to why this was, but the why was never as important as the “what” as in “What the hell is this girl on that she is a phone freak and a real life prude?”

So after about three weeks went by I did something I never thought I would do, I put an end to this strange arrangement. In a last ditch effort, I asked her if she wanted to come over and once again she said she couldn’t. As I recall, this was actually the first time in over a week I asked her if she wanted to come over because I thought maybe if I didn’t ask at all she would come around. She never did.

So we did it one more time, and when we were done, I explained that as much as I enjoyed what we were doing I couldn’t do it anymore and when she asked why I shot her back a question. “Well, Why we can’t do this for real?” Her explanation: “I want to but I like this and I’m afraid the real thing won’t be as good as this thing.”

And I thought it nonsense, but told her I understood. She asked, “So I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“Sure,” I said. The next day, I called AT&T instead.

“Hi, I need a number blocked.”

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The second edition of the Poppin’ Questions Podcast is now up and ready to be streamed or downloaded. The first one had over 500 plays, so thank you to all the readers (and now listeners?) for the encouragement. Click here to listen or download the second edition.

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  • SexyKatt

    LOL @ And I thought it nonsense, but told her I understood. She asked, “So I’ll call you tomorrow?”

    “Sure,” I said. The next day, I called AT&T instead.

    “Hi, I need a number blocked.”

    This post is very honest yet too funny.. lol

  • http://www.mauricegarland.com Maurice Garland

    too real for TV brah. this has happened to me with a couple chicks. even though i did wind up “following through” with both….the phone sex leading up to it, got kinda annoying after a while. it like, the hell are we doing here?

  • Leah

    OMG you blocked her????!!!! Dang. Brutal! LOL

  • BoomShots

    As a rule I never give phone sex before the real thing…learned that lesson early on.
    I think its kind a strange myself, if someone can bring you off with words why would you not want to take the next step?
    SMDH!

    But I quit trying to comprehend women a long time ago too, I am no Don Quixote, as I have learned from my Sapphic sisters, even women don’t understand women in general.

  • O.P.

    This honestly happens a lot.

  • http://loveisdope.wordpress.com/ Love Is Dope

    “We tore each others ears up!”

    I actually LOL’d at that! Toooo funny…

  • http://www.thechicagosupperclub.com Alana

    You had her nimber blocked…damn,you shoulda just told her not to call.

  • http://www.thechicagosupperclub.com Alana

    Opps *number*

  • http://sinnamonnights.blogspot.com/ Sinnamon

    I need some tips. I was never good at the phone sex thing. Oh but I want to be. I just feel dirty and shy saying the unmentionables….

  • http://bubblyblackgirl.wordpress.com Renae

    I’m not a fan of phone sex. It’s too much effort too much talking, too much hypotheticals. I’m more of a “show me” kind of girl.

  • http://BPierreWrites.blogspot.com B. Pierre

    The call block was cold. Hilarious to read but cold. lol

  • j

    hilarious!

  • Sunkissed404

    Wow Jozen…lol So, I’m guessing instead of erasing telephone numbers, you altogether block them out of your life. I wonder how akward it is when you see the person after you blocked their number tho’… lol SMH

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  • Yari

    OMG. LOL @ I called AT&T instead.

    I haven’t had phone sex since in over 10 years I think! Sometime in college maybe and Im 30 years old.
    Not that I wouldn’t just hasnt happened.

  • Leah

    @Sunkissed404
    Yeah, that’s GOTTA be awkward. Especially since they both live in Harlem.

    Now that I think about it, I think you should’ve told her how you felt about it and instead of telling her you “understood” you should’ve told her that it didn’t work for you. She may have been willing to compromise, or at least tell you why she wasn’t in a hurry to sleep with you or when she might be willing to. It could’ve been right around the corner, for all you know.

    @Sinnamon
    Same here. I don’t mind being the recipient, but I won’t be the talker. I’m just so uncomfortable with that. I always feel like I sound lame. LOL!

    Not that I do that… I’m just saying…

  • taurusitalia

    LOL!!!!!! Yea phone sex is awesome…I just think of it as part of sexcapdes, or pre-foreplay for the real thing. Or like you mentioned when you cannot be there with the person. Its a sex game. But it should not replace the real thing, just add variety. ;O)

  • http://rapsandrings.com Sean C.

    Cold Blooded *Rick James Voice*

    This would be understandable if it was something long distance but you were in the same area. I’m a believer in backup up what you say with actions and after a while, people need to prove themselves. Phone sex is like trash talk between two teams before the Super Bowl. All that matter is what happens on the field or in this case, the bed.

  • http://whatsonmymind09.blogspot.com M. Hendricks

    That was Hi-lar-ious!!! I’m surprised you lasted that long. I know I couldn’t and I’m a woman. Never been of fan of phone sex, especially if you were in the area. My thing is why not come over and show me what you want to do to me. Blocking her number…. that was a great idea!!!

  • **inquiring mind**

    @Sean C.
    Wow… what an excellent analogy.

  • Miss. Riss

    Interesting.

    I’ve never done phone sex before. I much prefer the real thing. Perhaps, I should look into this though.

  • Leah

    @Sean C.
    Yeah, that WAS a good analogy.

    On another note, just to present a different perspective that never seems to be represented in the UIGM comments, phone sex may work well for those who are celibate for whatever reason.

  • http://www.max-logic.com max

    The title made me giggle because I’ve been the girl who only wants phone sex. In my case it was with a dude who had the ability to dickmatize me but he was a bad bad bad guy so I had to keep my distance. Every now and then the cravings would get to me and I’d call him but I refused to let him come over….I’d just let him break me off over the phone and then go to sleep.

    He grew tired of me eventually of course.

  • Madeleine

    This is an interesting post! As more and more dating is mediated over technology the question of How to transition to in person courting is actually pretty timely. In someways this piece could equally apply to online dating (a stretch but that line about her fear that the real thing won’t be as good as the fantasy seems to fit)

    with that being said, the girl sounds crazy! Lol

  • chitown’s finest

    i think chick made it pretty clear pretty early on that she didn’t want to sleep with him. and since that was the case, that was HIS bad for continuing to deal with her past the potential relationship’s expiration date. i’ve been reading this blog for a few months now, and it certainly appears that sex predicates a serious relationship for jozen. that’s fine since that works for him, but that also may be why he keeps running through all these women and not having any real success. having said that, it seems like any girl who isn’t giving up the goods after a period of time (and it seems like he wants it within 3-4 weeks of meeting) becomes a ‘girl you shouldn’t fall for’. in reality, i still wouldn’t leave my debit card unattended with someone i’ve “known” for 3-4 weeks, and if i can’t trust you with that, i wouldn’t trust you my body either. and if said person wants to jump ship because i wasn’t comfortable doing that, then i’ll fall on my knees and thank the Lord for removing that person from my life, since they clearly aren’t for me.

    sometimes you have to do things differently to get different results. before folks jump on me saying ‘well he didn’t say he wanted a serious relationship with this girl!’, let me just say that if and when he wants a serious relationship, maybe he should mix things up a bit. just wait and truly get to know someone. quit strategizing on the shortest distance to some panties and just see how things progress w/o that level of intimacy. some people are quick to say that it doesn’t matter when a girl gives it up, if he really likes her, he’ll stick around. if that’s truly the case, then he won’t go anywhere even if she doesn’t give it up, right?

    JMO.

  • http://www.evasaidit.com Miss E

    Best line ever: “It was a booty call that was all call and no booty.” LMFAO!

  • iamDahlingNikki

    That last line is CLASSIC!!

  • http://yesijukebox.blogspot.com Yesi Jukebox

    I think this post was hilarious! Would’ve been funny to see her face when she was trying to call you the next day lol. I don’t really understand how someone can get so turned on by your voice all the time without ever doing the physical thing. I mean I think I would start envisioning someone else touching me or someone else’s body close to mine, which would really not be fair..

  • http://mshort.wordpress.com Mikael

    Haha, awesome post. I don’t blame ya for blocking her even though it was a bit harsh. I’m sure it wasn’t her first time having phone sex though if that turned out to be all she wanted from you… girls will just say that kind of stuff sometimes.

  • zy

    LMAO! this post was great. I’m not really about to have phone sex before real sex because seriously… if the phone sex is great and I really get off on it only to then follow it up with wack real sex… we’re gonna have a problem. gimme the goods first, then you can “tear my ears up” later. LOL!

  • http://twitter.com/freeyourheart freeyourheart

    omg, jozen.
    that was hilarious!!!

  • L. Dejean

    wow at blocking her number…that’s rather harsh.

    Phone sex is not quite my thing…maybe it was the person or the time but it just wasn’t for me…*shrug*

    great post…i giggled yet a bit!

  • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

    *chokes on laughter at the end*

  • http://www.girlsarethenewboys.blogspot.com doowaditty

    lmao, damn.

    to me phone sex was always one of those things were in the heat of the moment it’s awesome, but as soon as i hang up the phone i’m like, “WTF just happened here?”

    but if anything, all the phone sex would make me want to see what the real thing is all about even more.

  • http://www.ashbunnie.com ashbunnie

    The ending, hilarious to say the least. Great post, great site.

  • http://thecandyshoppe.wordpress.com Ronnie6676

    You couldn’t have just told her you didn’t want to talk anymore??? You blocked her…priceless

  • BoomShots

    Chick was a tease!!

  • http://www.xoxodreamgirl.blogspot.com Shakila

    Ooooh.
    I can just see her face when she called you for that late night phone session.
    And that number didnt work.
    LOL

  • http://adivastateofmind.com A Diva State of Mind

    “Sure,” I said. The next day, I called AT&T instead.

    “Hi, I need a number blocked.”

    LMAO! SMH…Hilarious!! She definitely teased you though. After doing all of that for three weeks, you would think someone would be interested in trying the real thing!

  • david

    I had to deal with the same thing, but later I found out from her homegirl the real reason she wouldn’t take it there was because she was hiding another relationship from her BF.

  • Kimmy

    Blocking her was harsh, but funny! Hate to say it but maybe she wasn’t attracted to you but loved your voice, which was surprisingly sessy to me when I listened to the podcast.

  • Simply Beautiful

    @max

    ‘dickmatize’

    added to the memory banks… lol

  • http://womanofcolor.wordpress.com brownivyx

    hahah! Great story. I mean, it’s kind of messed up, but pretty hilarious in hindsight, no?

    Now I’m wondering why it’s never occurred to me to try this on a guy…

  • VonBherAnn

    i can’t believe someone would turn down sex just in case it wasn’t as good as the real thing… wouldn’t you want to find out before jumping to conclusions?? i know i would. gotta give the boys a chance, now.
    i wonder if there wasn’t something else going on for her to say that. maybe some bad experiences. but then, if she’s got some weird past or weird feelings about being physically intimate with people, not sure you’d want to mess with that. not til she figures that ish out. good call on blocking the number, bro.

  • Kady

    Of all the girls not to fall for so far, I definitely relate to this one the most, in that women sometimes like to put men in a box, and Jozen was “Phone Sex Guy”, we all get used sometime.

  • Qiana

    I recommend phone sex only after actually having sex at least once. If a woman has ever faked an orgasm she can partake in phone sex. It is role playing. Acting. Look at it as a way to let your partner know exactly what it is you want. Use it as a tool. A learning mechanism. Men will make a mental note of what you say and it could make your sex life better. Good luck! =)

    @chitown’s finest – I think you are being too hard on Mr. Cummings. As a woman “no means no” and I will never stray from that, but c’mon…really?! This chick is as bad as the “everything but” girl. If you aren’t ready for the big girl panties, then keep the pull-ups on and stay in the sandbox.

  • Qiana

    Btw…HILARIOUS post Jozen!

  • http://yahoo helen

    He had her nipple blocked lol

  • keni

    …? So, after she asked you if she could call you the next night, you said “yes” and then went on to block her from being able to call you?

    I would really love to believe that ending was grossly exaggerated. Unless you left out quite a few anecdotes about what a horrible person she was, it seems really unusual to me that you would take that action. I guess I could be completely humorless and am missing the joke. Oh well.

  • Tauren

    Lmao!! This is soo funny! “Hi, I need a number blocked.” I understand that she might not have thought it was as good but she could have at least tried it! Good for you blocking that phone sex addict :)