Home > Dumb Things Guys Do, guys > Breaking News: Man Must Be Careful Too

Breaking News: Man Must Be Careful Too

There is an unfortunate stigma attached to women and seemingly not attached to men. That stigma is vulnerability and it’s unfortunate because it’s one-sided.

A  woman can’t be alone with a man she barely knows. She can’t accept a drink from a man she just met. Hell, sometimes, she shouldn’t even be giving her phone number to a man she just met. Email might be best.

These are all unwritten rules when it comes to socializing, and a big reason why they’re in place is because a violation of any of these rules can possibly leave a woman vulnerable to some unfortunate consequence. And trust me, I get it. All of these rules I just mentioned above are for the well-being of women, and I would encourage all women to follow them. Sure I may be baffled at times when a woman with whom I vibe says she can’t go home with me, but I certainly understand her declining on the grounds of personal safety.

But today I want to talk about when a woman accepts my invitation or sometimes gets up the gumption to invite me without even knowing so much as my last name. Of course, she’s vulnerable to me, but hey, what about me? Aren’t I vulnerable too?

I’m pretty sure when I was growing up my mom applied an equal amount of emphasis to both my sister and I about the importance of avoiding contact with strangers. She never told my sister to avoid strange men and then told me, I don’t have anything to worry about.

The idea that going home with someone we barely know is primarily a chief concern for woman is well-deserved. One look at the evening news will back that statement up, but I have a confession to make. Every single time I have gone home or hooked up with a woman I barely know, there is a little voice in my head that says:

“Don’t be an idiot, Jozen! You don’t know this girl! She could be crazy! She can be a part of some underground dress shirt cartel that attains button-downs by taking innocent, horny fools — such as yourself — from the club to some loading dock where three big guys will beat you up and take your nice Ralph Lauren off your back without even asking!”

Okay, sometimes I’m not really wearing a Ralph Lauren, but you all understand my point, right? For a man, the risks of going home with a woman we barely know is just as great as it is for women who go home with men. The only difference is men sometimes choose not to listen the little voice in our head.

I can recall more than a few occasions in which a situation I was getting myself into didn’t feel quite right. If it’s an out-of-town hook up, suspicion will begin to surface the further away we get from the hotel district and the closer we get to the residential areas. Like, for instance, this weekend I’m going to my boy’s party in New Jersey, a place that is as familiar to me as Mars. The only place I know in New Jersey is the Jersey Turnpike, and that’s about it. Now, since I’m in such an unfamiliar setting, I unfortunately have to decline any offer by a woman to go home with her unless she is offering up my place, in which I would be even more suspicious because why would a woman so unfamiliar with my place elect to go there? Something about that isn’t right. Even if the hook-up is going down in our hometown, most men are sure to let at least one of their friends know where they will be just in case something doesn’t go the way they planned it.

But chief among all suspicions and worries whenever a man decides to take a woman up on her offer or encounters a woman who will take him up on his, is the woman he met has a man or a recent ex who is certified crazy and still stalking. Though it’s never happened to me (praise God) I know some men to whom it has happened and let’s just say it’s never pretty. Not ever. One of my boy’s told me a story where a girl he just met was down to go home with him after a party one night, on the condition he take her home right after. He agreed, but when he drove her to her place, she made him circle the block three times before insisting he drop her off on the corner down the street from where she lived.

The unfortunate thing is, whenever something bad happens to a woman for making a poor decision, she’s the victim of bad timing or, even worse, a bad man. Men, on the other hand, whenever they suffer some dire consequences as a result of going home with a woman or taking a woman home, are blamed themselves. It’s as though, they were men so they were stupid and this is what they deserve. This is why I feel like the next time a girl asks me to come to her place, I’m going to ask if one of my boys can join me. Don’t worry, he’s not going to get involved in any way whatsoever. I just need someone to watch the door (and windows too!) while the girl and I do our thing. If a girl was in my position and she asked for the same consideration, I would certainly give it to her. So why not I get it too?

Just as their are shady men out there who have no good intentions whatsoever, there are also some shady women out there who know shady men or are capable of doing some bad things themselves. That is what the little voice in my head is telling me and here’s hoping when I go out to my boy’s crazy house party in New Jersey, I listen to it. Don’t be an idiot, Jozen.

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  • http://www.mauricegarland.com Maurice Garland

    see…i went to school with (and even befriended) some straight up “set this nigga up” type females growing up…so seeing how they got down always made me weary of just trying to get chicks to the crib or me just going to their crib. though it was taxing some nights….i just got a room. neutral location and one of us can leave whenever we wanted afterwards.

  • Leah

    I’m not finished reading, but I had to pause to say I don’t see how you can say that the risk is “just as great” for a man as it is for a woman. That doesn’t even make sense, and even you imply that one look at the evening news will show that one is more likely to read about a man attacking or causing harm to a woman than the reverse. Just by statistics and history, it is clear that women are more vulnerable to men than men are to women. And of course, I agree with the general sentiment that men put themselves at risk too, because there ARE indeed some crazy women out there. But I wouldn’t say the risk is “just as great.” :-) *okay, back to reading*

  • AlongCameStacey

    Hmmm. Idk if you made your case. Now if you started talking about black market kidney thieves I might have been concerned for the safety of men. Women are often smaller and weaker (I said, often – not always) than their male counterparts. Even the shady women you mentioned, who know shady men, often end up targeting women to help those shady men.

  • Leah

    Okay, I’m finished. Good stuff. I still don’t get why there is this underlying (or perhaps NOT underlying) goal of hooking up. It seems like every single post is about getting a girl to come home with you (and presumably have sex). Why is that such a noticeable theme? Why is it even so important to get somebody in your bed after a night out? I don’t get that.

  • SouthernNYCer

    I feel you on the fact that men need to be more cautious too, but having your boy come along to “watch the door”? I would not be down for that. It just seems a little awkward to me. I would have a problem with us “handling our business” and knowing your friend is right outside. Good post though as usual =)

  • http://reformedsoutherngal.blogspot.com KitKatCuty84

    @Leah
    I noticed this when I first came to NYC. Sure, people have one night stands and go home with strangers across America, but I noticed when I came to the city that sometimes at clubs the dance floor was COMPLETELY obscured by the hoard of people gathered around the bar, trying to get someone to go home with them that night. I’ve been at clubs where I looked like the weird one actually DANCING, and it had to be with my girlfriends because the dudes (and many girls) only had one motive for coming. I admit I come to the club to dance and be rubbed up against by some attractive men, maybe get a free drink and give out my number, but I have no intention of actually GOING HOME with any of these dudes. Are you serious? Like, isn’t that why chlamydia is everywhere? LOL.

  • Kae-Toya

    y’all are just too damn loose. end of story.

  • BoomShots

    But is that one of the reasons women outlive men because we are generally likely to take greater risk. One of which is going home with some strange women we just met without a second thought. Going to a woman’s spot for the first time is always a little antsy, if that first time is for an assignation then personally my antennas are up for whatever.

    The interesting thing is that in all the cases I am familiar with where my boys encountered danger it was not from the women but some crazy ex, sane husband or boyfriend. One friend had to climb out half naked through a second story bedroom window because the chick failed to mention she was married. Another had all his tires slashed because she was being stalked by an ex. The one time I hooked up with someone who I did not know for a long time, it was way later that she noted that I may want to take off because her unstable ex-hubby who wanted her back was gonna be coming by and if he saw me there could be problems.

    As a rule I will decline a going home for lets meet up on a real date and see what happens. I am much older and slower and instant gratification holds much less intrigue and so I no longer need the rush of hooking up. Plus I am way too grown to be fighting anyone, climbing out second stories or any of that sht that was funny then but now would just be damn irritating.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @Maurice Garland
    I had every intention of quoting you from a previous post… something about waking up first because you never know if a chick will go thru your pockets while you’re sleeping… ninjas beware I tell ya!

    Uh Jozen… to your point- not so much. I never heard of a chik raping a dude.

  • AlongCameStacey

    @Maurice Garland
    @**inquiring mind**

    Good point about chicks going through your pockets. That’s part of the thing I just don’t get about bringing home strangers. Aside from the risk of contracting a disease, there’s that whole thing about a perfect stranger being in your private and intimate space. Why the hell would I give someone I just met the privilege of being there? I’m the type of person who throws house parties and locks all of my personal ish in my bedroom. There’s no way I’m gonna give a stranger access to it all. And I’m a deep sleeper… GTFOH.

  • Violet

    About Jozen:

    You seem troubled. Too much on your mind. Judgement clouded. Maybe you need a vacay. *Shrugs shoulders, furrows brows, squints eyes, prays for your well-being.*

    About the little voice in your head:

    It would behoove you to listen more frequently, across the board, to this voice. All of us, for that matter, would save ourselves a lot of hurt, pain, and sorrow if we listened more intently to the warnings our spirits give us.

    About safety:

    On an absolute physical level, meaning with no karate lessons, guns, knives, or mase involved, the average woman, at about 5’4″ and 150lbs., is a lot weaker than the average man at about 5’9″ and 170lbs, ie. if things got physical, he’d win.

  • MLS

    Its not the same thing man, the risk is not just as great for men…a woman can’t rape a man nor impregnate him against his will…and while I agree there are calculating, cold-hearted and messed up women out there who take advantage of men who go home with them, going through pockets and stealing material goods pales in comparision to what sexual assault or unwanted pregnancy does to a person…

  • http://readlivingthislife.blogspot.com/ Ziggy

    OK but you did notice that exactly one half of your reason for not trusting women you just met, was the MEN they knew that might do something to you, lol.

    While it is very possible for either party to do harm to the other on a night when they just met and go home together, I think most of us can agree that most of the time, it is more dangerous for women. Most* of the time, a man (even one that doesnt go to the gym on the regular) can overpower a woman if he wanted to. Which is why we should ALL listen to that voice in our heads AND let someone know where/with whom we are gonna be if it’s someone we just met. And for God’s sake, you’re right, get a last name!

    *Yes, I used “most” that many times on purpose, ya know, for emphasis 😉

  • Jinx Moneypenny

    @Kae-Toya
    -DEAD-

    I still dunno how you do it Jozen.
    But to each their own.
    And being wary is natural, some chicks are just not right, no matter how good they look.

  • Cali

    “This is why I feel like the next time a girl asks me to come to her place, I’m going to ask if one of my boys can join me. Don’t worry, he’s not going to get involved in any way whatsoever. I just need someone to watch the door (and windows too!) while the girl and I do our thing. ”

    Please be kidding w/ this, LOL! It wouldn’t fly, not w/ any sane woman… how abouuuuut you just get to know a girl first, THEN go somewhere alone w/ her. I know you’re busy & all (too busy for a relationship) but fit in a few drink dates/coffee dates until you feel comfortable enough to go somewhere alone w/ her.

    Of course, this is easy for me to say since I don’t do 1 night stands. But if they’re making you that nervous, maybe you shouldn’t either! Just a thought :)

  • Kae-Toya

    Leah :
    Okay, I’m finished. Good stuff. I still don’t get why there is this underlying (or perhaps NOT underlying) goal of hooking up. It seems like every single post is about getting a girl to come home with you (and presumably have sex). Why is that such a noticeable theme? Why is it even so important to get somebody in your bed after a night out? I don’t get that.

    thank you…………..its like a sream of one night stands or meetings in bars and taking women home……………..steups

  • LA

    @Leah The Blog is called Until I Get Married, it is about a single man and his life until he gets married. If you don’t like the theme don’t reAD this blog anymore. I personally find most of Jozen’s posts hilarious. If I did not enjoy the blog I would not read it, so do yourself a favor tune out!

  • Me too

    @Leah
    Yeah! I was thinking that as I was reading but didn’t want to comment just in case I read something to change my mind. I understand that there are risks (kind of inevitable when strangers are involved) but certainly not “just as great”.

  • HoneyMoney

    WHAT?!?!?! Jozen, are you kidding me? I just skimmed the other comments and thank you everyone! How is the risk “just as great”? And what crazy woman would be ok with you and your boy coming over to her place while you get it on? What is that an invitation to gang rape? Or some perverted scheme? Think that one through, but really, you’re kidding, right?

  • keni

    I’m not certain that he said that the risk was the same for each gender. I’ve known men who have encountered completely crazy women (in one case, well, she wasn’t a woman!) and he should be thinking about his safety/health (or, at worst, how it might look if something were to be uploaded to Youtube)

    Hopefully, there’d be fewer women who are completely off their nuts at your friend’s house party than at a regular club. I say get a Garmin and follow your instinct!

  • keni

    …I wasn’t replying to HoneyMoney’s post although I do now see the mention of “just as great” in Jozen’s post.

    Yeah, that wouldn’t be right at all. Not just as great — particularly when you have control over where you drive and she is in your car.

  • Briizy

    @HoneyMoney
    I was thinking the same thing! That request would be a NO GO!

  • Briizy

    I’m a risk taker, a huge adrenaline junky, so going home with a guy I just met can be ok *to me* When/If I do go home with a guy I take all the precautions I can. i.e drive my own car(if I came without one I don’t go), text or call someone and let them know where I’m going and who I’m with. Text or give license plate number and address of location I’m driving to.

    Going home with someone you don’t know can be dangerous but so can crossing the street or driving.

    You just have to know yourself and listen to that inner voice, whatever it tells you.

  • http://www.dashofreality.wordpress.com Dash

    No, the risk will never be “just as great.” And anyone who has children of both genders knows good and damn well they let the boy get away with and do things they wouldn’t even think of permitting the girl to. So just cut it out. It’s not about well it “could happen”…yea sure, anything can happen. But facts are facts and the reality is, women are ALWAYS in danger, whether you want to accept this fact of life or not is up to you. In any case, doesn’t this whole post refute your “Why won’t you let your girl come home with me.” (or something to that effect) Now I’m confused. This is just…

  • Moops

    Haha! Lol, good post. Chances are a quite bit on the male side. Besides, would you really go home witha girl when you have the slight suspicion she might be a psycho.
    – That’s the other reason, you want to be the one going to her place and have a properly escape plan and check your surroundings.

    Reminds me of that Lauryn Hill … “Some girls are only about … that thing…”

  • Leah

    LA :
    @Leah The Blog is called Until I Get Married, it is about a single man and his life until he gets married. If you don’t like the theme don’t reAD this blog anymore. I personally find most of Jozen’s posts hilarious. If I did not enjoy the blog I would not read it, so do yourself a favor tune out!

    LA, I’m well aware of what the blog is called, and what it’s about. I didn’t say I didn’t like the theme, if I did, I am well capable of refraining from opening the site each day. I, too, enjoy reading Jozen’s posts (evidenced by my daily visit to the site). I made an observation based on what I’ve read, that the recurring theme is find a girl, get her to give up the goods, the end. From what I understand, Jozen, and everyone else here is GROWN. Grown folks can do whatever they want to do.

    You seem to be taking my observation pretty personally, and it’s not about YOU at all. Do yourself a favor and don’t come for me; I did not send for you. :-)

  • Jemsstar

    @Leah

    “You seem to be taking my observation pretty personally, and it’s not about YOU at all. Do yourself a favor and don’t come for me; I did not send for you.”

    Bwahahahaha!!! **DEAD!!!!

  • citygirl22

    Well, obviously, the reason for the stigma/stereotype is that, all other things being equal (or dangerous externalities absent), most men can physically overpower a woman. That’s already been noted.

    And clearly, having a “lookout” posted was a joke. A highly implausible one, since, if your jumpoff has a crazy significant other/ex (male OR female), they would simply f*ck up your lookout, on the way to f*cking you up.

    On a serious note, I once insisted on accompanying a female acquaintance home because her ex said he wanted to pick up some stuff he’d left in her apartment. He had “found” her at a pizzeria where she and I were snacking after work… thus the reason for my insistence. All 3 of us walked together, she and he arguing along the way. No sooner had she turned her key in the door than he pushed it in and began wailing on her. Threw her to the floor, began punching and kicking her. In the moment, I thought nothing other than to pull him off of her. Several of my nails broke and my fingers bled. I was not physically strong enough to pull him off, but he stopped beating her and left as she, shaken, sobbed on the floor.

    Later, thoughts about the situation swirled in my head. I thought, “God only knows what he would have done to her if I hadn’t been there.” And then, “I’m sure she knew this fool was crazy. I just met him and I could tell,” followed by “what was I thinking? Thank God he didn’t hurt ME.” I know this scenario is somewhat removed from the subject of the post, but the picture you’ve painted of the crazy stalker ex reminded me of the experience.

    I guess my conclusions are a) women are indeed at a physical disadvantage in many male/female situations and b) people have all types of drama that you just don’t know about. But alas, these things don’t go through my head every time the opportunity of a one night stand arises. I, thankfully, truly have ZERO desire to share my body with a stranger. So yeah, any man or woman who chooses to go home with an unfamiliar person is PUTTING THEMSELVES at risk. And I’m not sure I’d call that “vulnerability.”