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For The Men Who Feel Like It Could Have Been Them

So maybe it’s the week of the exes.

I don’t know, but whatever it is, I’m hoping this is the last ex-girlfriend related post I have because, umm, I really hate talking about my exes. I was out with a girl the other night and she asked me these questions about my past relationships, and she wasn’t annoying me, but at some point I just had to dead them because I thought, there’s so much more to me than my ex-girlfriends.

Still, right now, there isn’t much more I’m thinking about other than my last ex and I’m not thinking about her back when we were together. There hasn’t been any reminiscing of the days from our time we lived with each other. I’m thinking about her now, and I’ve been wanting to reach out to her, this month in particular, because, well, she either has or she is about to have her baby.

And I’m happy for her. I really am. I want to send her a text or give her a call and ask her all these questions, but every time I have thought to do so, I stop myself. So the questions like what she named him and how she is feeling are just kind of hanging around in my head. It’s like, they’re not even real questions because real questions get asked and have answers to them.

The only question I have is why the hell I’m thinking about this woman and how the hell did I remember that her baby was coming in the month of August? Like, seriously, why do I know that? The baby’s not mine and yet, when my sister was pregnant, I had to ask her several times what month my niece was being born. SEVERAL TIMES!

Meanwhile, over here in this one bedroom apartment my ex and I used to share, thinking at least once a day about my ex and wondering to myself, did she have the baby yet? Maybe I should reach out and see. But then, again, I stop myself. Because I sent her a text last month, to ask her how she’s doing, and she hit me with a text back that said: “I’m fine, just getting ready to be a Mommy.” I wasn’t ready for it, although I should have been. It was a reminder that my ex-girlfriend has moved way beyond the status of being anyone’s ex-girlfriend. She’s someone’s mother now.

So I wait before I send out any text or make any call to wish my ex-girlfriend congratulations if the baby was born. I know better than to do something I’m not ready to do, and I’m not ready to talk to my ex-girlfriend as a mother. Not yet. Even though I have thought about it possibly at least once every day this month. It’s August, you know? I can’t help but wonder how she’s doing as a mother and if it’s everything she thought it would be. I wonder if her voice is different because for so long the only voice I remember hearing from her is the voice of a woman who wanted some of the things she has now like what I’m sure is a healthy, beautiful child.

Maybe all of this is the final phase. The first one was getting over the news when she told me she was pregnant. The second phase was getting over the actual sight of seeing her pregnant. And maybe now, this is the third phase, realizing this woman who I once thought was going to be the mother of my kids is now the mother to someone else’s kid. And I know if she read this she would probably think this is just like me, to make this about me, but what can I do? What can I say?

Guys think about this stuff too. They see their exes they once thought they were going to marry or have a family with move on and get married or have families with someone else, and they may not say anything, but it hurts. Sometimes a lot and sometimes a little. So this post is for that man, who remains friends with an ex and watches her move on with another man and eventually have a family with that other man; the man who wants to tell his ex how happy he is for her new blessing, but has to find the strength to do so first.

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  • http://rewritingthehilife.blogspot.com mel

    So true. It hurts to know that they have moved on..living the dream/life that you folks had talked about when you were together. but hey..thats life and things happen for a reason right?

  • Miss. Riss

    Awwww. From what you say about your ex, I’m sure she would appreciate you reaching out to congratulate her and see how she’s doing. So when you’re ready, you should definitely go for it.

  • http://www.solidcelly.blogspot.com Celly

    Beautiful post Jozen… You articulated some emotions that many can relate too.

  • Leah

    Dang, that was beautiful. So emotional.

  • BoomShots

    Why are you letting out that men have feelings too!!
    Much of our culture operates on the myth that men do not have feelings and so are immune to certain emotional yearnings. You do realize that expressing that you have these feelings about your ex will probably be mis-characterized as something else, something more sinister and self involved anyway, so you should have just kept it to yourself.

    Dang son, no one wants men to feel like that, its gonna cause some people to re-examine how they behave towards you, they might start treating you like you almost human.
    We don’t want that to happen, do we?

    What next, you gonna reveal that the earth is round?

    Why are you trying to make men seem more substantial than we are generally viewed?Everyone knows we are sexual beast driven by our libidos. If we become these individuals with feelings and emotions who long for others and care about others then we will have altered the dynamics of relationships. You have fallen into ultimate trap that justified treating men emotionally harshly all these years to get them to acknowledge that they can express emotions in a pre-determined and acceptable manner.

    Man up and keep this stuff to your self……LMBAO!!

  • http://twitter.com/freeyourheart freeyourheart

    jozen,
    i just wanna give you a hug right now 🙂
    @boomshots,
    hopefully,
    you were being satirical
    because if you weren’t…
    wow.

  • **inquiring mind**

    @BoomShots

    Your sarcasm today has got me cracking-up… just get over-it will you. We know y’all have feelings sheesh! lol

    Jozen, me nuh no bout dis one. I mean I appreciate your honesty and being so in tune with your emotions but I wonder… why don’t you just call and get it over with? She’s prolly waiting to hear from you anyway. It’s never as bad as we think it will be… “just do it”.

  • Leah

    I’m observing a bond… read into that what you will. 🙂

  • http://loveh8relate.com Swag

    GROWN MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO….

    I appreciate this because it shows the struggle we all have our vulnerability and being slave to our emotions.

    Thanks Bro

  • Janet

    I’m literally crying. Right here at my desk. Damn you and your beautiful writing, Jozen 🙂

  • Kae-Toya

    Awwwwwwwwwwww Im sure she would appreciate the well wishes

  • http://bubblyblackgirl.wordpress.com Renae

    @boomshots , LMBO…. it’s okay if Jozen has feelings, just like everyone else, and so what if he wants to reveal his emotional side. [hiding smirk].

  • E-Dub

    Just like when you didn’t wanna call your Pop. Do it!

  • http://yesijukebox.blogspot.com Yesi Jukebox

    This is such a brave post. I really admire how you let us read about your innermost thoughts. And I definitely feel you on this post. Its hard to look back at an ex and realize how far they have come in the things you thought you would share with them.

  • b

    make sure you send a nice gift

  • http://sleep-is-the-cousin-of-death.blogspot.com/ MadScientist7

    i feel you on this post son. my ex is pregnant now with her second child. i haven’t seen her since ’04. she has plenty of pregnancy and engagement pics up on facebook. when i first saw the pics i was actually caught off guard but then i saw how happy she looked and i was in turn happy for her. i know that we were never really meant for each other so i’m happy that she found happiness in someone else.

  • Cali

    Awwww… 🙂

  • Tasha

    In my mind I can hear “I can’t see it coming down my eyes, so I gotta make this post cry” playing. haha Great post, Jozen!

  • Kim

    Sounds like there are some unresolved stuff going on. Is it possible that the man that is too busy for a relationship is regretting the loss of a good woman? Or just don’t want to see her happy with someone else? It’s not easy to see your ex with someone new, this is true. But I think maybe you should first think about why you want to reach out. Is it honestly to wish her well or do inquiry minds want to know??

    Good Luck and another good post!

  • Roni

    When you’re ready, you should definitely call her. She will appreciate it more than you could ever know and, honestly, so will you.

  • L. Dejean

    Call her…i truly hope that she delivers safely. Great post

  • **inquiring mind**

    @Kim
    I’m kinda with you… I mean, I’m sure there are some unresolved issues but whether the call is really to wish her well or to get some closure, I think it’s a win-win. Either way, the call needs to be made.

  • http://www.falliblesage.com Fallible Sage

    Great post, real men introspect. Keep pennin them.

  • kS

    damm. i dont think this is something i ever would have pondered had it not been for you sharing. yet its poignancy has left quite an impact.

  • Tai

    Wow, is all that I am able to say.
    I actually wondered from time to time if my ex ever really wondered about me and how I was doing… I guess it’s true!

  • citygirl22

    “The only question I have is why the hell I’m thinking about this woman”

    “Meanwhile, over here in this one bedroom apartment my ex and I used to share”

    Ummm… there’s your answer. Not saying to give up your place, but DANG, you were in love. And the physical reminder of your relationship with her is literally surrounding you. It’s great that you are so honest with your emotions. Just be easy on yourself. You will reach out to her when the time is right.

  • vk

    good call. this was a very thought-provoking post.

  • vk

    good call. this was a very thought-provoking post.

  • miss helen

    I never comment on your posts though I am an avid follower. However, this post has haunted me since the day you posted it. Maybe because my ex of 6 years is still my best friend and I wonder if it hurts him when I talk about my current boyfriend, when I talk about my guy problems and when I cry on his shoulder because another man broke my heart. And even though I’m not in love with him any longer, I still love him so it pains me to think that I’m hurting him.

    I don’t mean to make this about me, just wanted to provide some backstory on why your writing resonates with me. Thank you.

  • Anonymous

    The only person to have ever had a real piece of my heart is currently in love and coupled with another woman. We’re now good friends and hang out and all that great stuff, but I think what makes it easy to be happy for him without any unpleasant feelings tugging at me is the fact that I don’t see them together, either in FB pics or in person. Every now and again, even though the feelings are not quite there anymore, I’m glad I don’t necessarily have to deal with evidence of the relationship we could have had under more favourable circumstances.