For The Men Who Feel Like It Could Have Been Them
So maybe it’s the week of the exes.
I don’t know, but whatever it is, I’m hoping this is the last ex-girlfriend related post I have because, umm, I really hate talking about my exes. I was out with a girl the other night and she asked me these questions about my past relationships, and she wasn’t annoying me, but at some point I just had to dead them because I thought, there’s so much more to me than my ex-girlfriends.
Still, right now, there isn’t much more I’m thinking about other than my last ex and I’m not thinking about her back when we were together. There hasn’t been any reminiscing of the days from our time we lived with each other. I’m thinking about her now, and I’ve been wanting to reach out to her, this month in particular, because, well, she either has or she is about to have her baby.
And I’m happy for her. I really am. I want to send her a text or give her a call and ask her all these questions, but every time I have thought to do so, I stop myself. So the questions like what she named him and how she is feeling are just kind of hanging around in my head. It’s like, they’re not even real questions because real questions get asked and have answers to them.
The only question I have is why the hell I’m thinking about this woman and how the hell did I remember that her baby was coming in the month of August? Like, seriously, why do I know that? The baby’s not mine and yet, when my sister was pregnant, I had to ask her several times what month my niece was being born. SEVERAL TIMES!
Meanwhile, over here in this one bedroom apartment my ex and I used to share, thinking at least once a day about my ex and wondering to myself, did she have the baby yet? Maybe I should reach out and see. But then, again, I stop myself. Because I sent her a text last month, to ask her how she’s doing, and she hit me with a text back that said: “I’m fine, just getting ready to be a Mommy.” I wasn’t ready for it, although I should have been. It was a reminder that my ex-girlfriend has moved way beyond the status of being anyone’s ex-girlfriend. She’s someone’s mother now.
So I wait before I send out any text or make any call to wish my ex-girlfriend congratulations if the baby was born. I know better than to do something I’m not ready to do, and I’m not ready to talk to my ex-girlfriend as a mother. Not yet. Even though I have thought about it possibly at least once every day this month. It’s August, you know? I can’t help but wonder how she’s doing as a mother and if it’s everything she thought it would be. I wonder if her voice is different because for so long the only voice I remember hearing from her is the voice of a woman who wanted some of the things she has now like what I’m sure is a healthy, beautiful child.
Maybe all of this is the final phase. The first one was getting over the news when she told me she was pregnant. The second phase was getting over the actual sight of seeing her pregnant. And maybe now, this is the third phase, realizing this woman who I once thought was going to be the mother of my kids is now the mother to someone else’s kid. And I know if she read this she would probably think this is just like me, to make this about me, but what can I do? What can I say?
Guys think about this stuff too. They see their exes they once thought they were going to marry or have a family with move on and get married or have families with someone else, and they may not say anything, but it hurts. Sometimes a lot and sometimes a little. So this post is for that man, who remains friends with an ex and watches her move on with another man and eventually have a family with that other man; the man who wants to tell his ex how happy he is for her new blessing, but has to find the strength to do so first.