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Man Seeks Girl Friend

September 7th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Mentally, the break from writing has been good for me. I needed to not only relax my writing chops, but also my brain; I needed to think about life, what I need, what I want. All this work for the past month had me in a tailspin of sorts; had me thinking crazy things like, I need a girlfriend.

I actually was thinking that’s what I needed. A girlfriend. Can you believe that? Then I thought I was too busy to be in a relationship, which sucked because for years a girlfriend for me was never an issue. If I wanted one, I got one, and I don’t mean to make it sound like I would just pick one off a lot. I’m just saying, finding a woman to be in a relationship with has never really been an issue, until it was when the work started piling up.

But eventually, by yesterday when I was thinking about what I was going to write about for the first time in like five days, I finally came to a breakthrough of sorts. I realize exactly what I need in my life from the opposite sex and I’m happy to say, it’s not sex (although that is great), it’s really just friendship.

This past weekend, I used a woman. She is a friend of mine who came to visit me for the weekend and I told her the second day here that I was using her. But I wasn’t using her for sex or money or some other trivial reason. I was using her for what I can only describe as her comforting presence.

I’m not one of those guys who does well with female friendships. I’m actually quite bad at them because I find they are quite demanding in a lot of cases, especially if one let’s their female friend down. Whenever I flake on my boys, there’s never hard feelings, but let me not come through for a woman when she needs me and I know there’s a good chance we’re not friends anymore for like, two weeks.

But I find myself watning to change that about me, and being a better friend to more women so in return I can have more women friends. Before my friend came to visit me this past weekend, another good friend of mine back home came to visit me with her sister about three weeks ago. I remember telling her the second night she was here how nice it was she came out to visit, and though I was talking about her and her sister specifically, I also know it was a much needed dose of estrogen in my place.

We all know relationships take work, so when I was speaking about being too busy to be in a relationship, I don’t think I meant it as some blanket statement where I was too busy for females. I’m not too busy to hang out with a girl, and actually I would love to do it more often because I think the balance of a female presence is the thing I was missing most in my life.

The way I was spending my time, it was either by myself or with my boys, and don’t get me wrong, I love to do both. My boys are like my lifeblood and the time with myself allows me to work towards my goals with a clear head. So what can a woman do for me?

Well, take a look at the comments from the previous two weeks when I was writing about this busy life I was living. A common refrain I read from my female commentators was I need balance. They were saying life is more than just about a career, and though they were understanding of my passion to succeed on the work front, they were reminding me that life is more than deadlines and word counts. Those were the kind of things I needed to hear.

When I hung out with some of my female friends, it was a relief to talk about something other than work. My friend who visited me this weekend didn’t hear me talk about work much at all. Actually, I’m pretty sure the only time she heard about it was when I was talking to (who else?) my dad. Meanwhile, the conversations with my mother have been about me taking the time to go back to church twice a week and I even talked to my sister briefly who sent me pictures of family and asked me how I was doing outside of work. Speaking of my sister, a story:

I remember earlier this year, when she was pregnant, I had lost my valid ID and needed to get a new one. Thing was, my expired license was serving its purpose. I don’t drive in New York City (I am licensed to do so in California), so all I really need my ID for is access to 18-21-and-over spots so I could review shows and attend industry functions. Because my expired license was getting the job done, I was in no rush to get my ID and not only that, the process was going to take me away from my job for too many hours, so I kept on putting it off. Finally my Mom, for what seemed like the 100th time asked me if I got my new ID. I told her I didn’t. She said, “You know your sister says you need to hurry up and get your ID. She said, ‘If he wants to see his niece, he needs to get a legal ID so he could get on a plane.'”

I was at the DMV the next day.

See? The women, once again, reminding me about the other important things in life.

So I’m just going to admit it here and now. I need a girl friend. Not a girlfriend. A girl friend. Sure, maybe it can grow into something more, as I definitely still apply certain standards to my female friends that I do my girlfriends, namely that they remain superficially attractive because a great deal of my female friends are and I just can’t relax my standards on that front. But yeah, a girl friend would be nice. Someone who will let me use them and use me in return not for sex nor for money, just for fun.

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  • Tiffany (htownsrealest)

    I’m GLAD ur back!!!!! Excellent post!!

  • Cocofro212

    My male friends said the same thing: balance. Or how much easier it is to go out with lady friend with no pressure on them. Its nice to have that friend. Good luck finding that friend.

    PeAce Love Soul

  • Alana

    Aww this is sweet.

  • Lisa

    Amazing. I cannot wait to send this to a male friend or 2 and talk about it at the barbershop this week, when I go hang with the guys after Thursday night Bible study (oddly enough). Having an extremely rough time on the relationship front is buffered by my male friends, and their presence has reinforced my need for them. At the same time, they get the estrogen presence, the nurturing comments, the hugs & the “I love you’s” that don’t come with conditional strings that they cannot handle right now…at least from me. Most of them know they can let me down & I’m not going anywhere. Some days I wish that were different, because even though I can’t say I really need them often, I certainly do need them; I just know not to have huge expectations if I need something far beyond male emotional support, a male point of view with the blunt honesty of a man who’s potentially done what’s being done to me, a hug (nothing like a man’s chest, even if he’s a friend) and/or an offer to whoop…

    So, I feel ya, and if I were in the NYC, or even frequented as often as I’d like, I’d send a resume (& a photo) to apply for addition to your friend list! Hmmm…now that I think about it, that still may be able to be arranged! 🙂 I really do “heart” NY and surely would enjoy hanging with you!

  • Not so new

    Glad you were able to rest up & have some personal time with friends!
    Everyone needs a female bestie : )


    Wow. Never I have resonated so much with one of your posts, especially this last line; “Someone who will let me use them and use me in return not for sex nor for money, just for fun”. However being a female and trying to relate this concept to a male is seemingly impossible these days….

  • Leah

    I can’t believe you used the “b” word again. LOL! Just kidding. Glad to have you back. Good post. And best wishes finding a mutually beneficial girl friend.

  • Tracey

    Well thought and written, women use men in this was all the time. Dont want to go to dinner alone? Call the one guy up who you consider “innocent”. Have to go to the work event and don’t have a plus one? Call the same guy.

    Happy your back!

  • superwoman

    welcome back, and great post! i feel exactly the same way about my guy-friends! i love their company, the specific guy-energy they bring to the situation, their blunt, no-sugar coating ways of looking at & interpreting a situation – a refreshing change from how girlfriends (who’re VERY valuable) perceive the exact same thing!

    plus, i shamelessly use my guy friends for handywork around my flat, sourcing car related stuff, etc – and will happily be there for them when they need someone to help choose a feminine present, or need a date for some formal function….it all balances out!

    speaking of balance, i’m glad you’re going to seek more in your life. a burnt out jozen is no good to any of us, most importantly YOURSELF!!

  • Phia

    I’m with Tiffany! Great post.
    I’m glad the time off and feedback from your readers gave you that perspective. You were too “busy” to see what you really needed.

  • Tasha

    I saw this post coming! Not that it’s bad thing but I figured the break would give you a dose of what you really needed. As they say, life is what happens when you’re making plans or in your case, what happens when you’re busy working. I love the way you phrased, “I think the balance of a female presence is the thing I was missing most in my life”. As a woman who is yearning for a boyfriend, you made it safe for me to admit to myself that I am most in need of a balance of male presence without feeling desparate or needy. It normalizes the human need we seem to have forgotten (or at I have forgotten, anyway) that is essential to living fully- intimacy. Thanks, Jozen and welcome back!

  • Sepia Brown

    Okay, so, I’m kinda in love with this post. That’s all 🙂

  • Tiffany

    I think that we all use someone for that comforting presence. Yes it can be wrong, especially if they aren’t on our radar any other time in our life except when we are lonely. Currently I am keeping one guy just because I don’t want to be alone. I want to be able to call someone or spend time with someone and fell some connection, even if it’s not a romantic one. I am sure more than one of your “acquaintances” can turn into a friendship for you. Nice post.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  • KayC, The Quiet Storm

    Interesting. I was just thinking how I did not want a relationship per se, but to have male companionship would be great. I’m not sure I want or have the time to invest in relationship but to have someone who I consider easy on the eyes to spend time with would be great.

  • Miss. Riss

    Female friends are the best! LOL

    My best friend is a male, and I believe we provide each other the balance that’s needed. He’s married, I’m single. And that helps the friendship even more, cause I get to learn about married life, he gets to live his single life through me. I’m glad you finally joined the side that believes men and women can be friends, cause I remember being in total disagreement with your post on how they couldn’t be.

  • Pinkflame1983

    I understand your post completely, but what’s up with the “they remain superficially attractive because a great deal of my female friends are and I just can’t relax my standards on that front”? Wack!

  • thefabfoodie

    Welcome back! I had the chance to read some of your previous posts during your sabbatical – definitely a new fan. I had two very close male friends – both of whom I’ve known since high school and who I considered confidantes when I needed a male perspective. For different reasons, I’m no longer close to either of them, and I really miss their presence and perspective in my life. I hope you find someone that fulfills that need for you. I would submit my application…but I’m a Ravens fan, and football season is here. 🙁

  • MadScientist7

    great post. i have a couple of great female friends. they are great people to talk to you and bounce ideas off of. you are right about the not coming through for a friend of the fairer sex. they take that ish to heart.

  • Jacinta

    Wow so deep, a man looking for a friendship who can’t see past something as arbitrary as genetics and female aesthetic. Maybe the church two times a week isn’t really helping your spirit and seeing other people for theirs. The pagans I know always seem to have more morality and ethics then Christians, the irony of god.

  • Stephy

    Hello J,

    Luv the blog (I’m a newbie)

    You really had me thinking on this… I use the “I’m too busy” line every time a friend, family member, or co worker comments about my single status. after reading your post maybe I need to invest in some male friends.

  • Cali

    I love it! 🙂

  • dwillwrite

    @Jacinta– WTF?!

  • citygirl22

    @Jacinta , in the immortal words of Cleo McDowell:

    “I’m just going to tell you this one time… STAY OFF THE DRUGS!!!”

  • Maria

    “not for sex nor for money, just for fun” – Exactly what I want from a boy friend!!! Love it!

  • Spring

    Love the post. Everyone should have a confidant in someone of the opposite sex. Jacinta- the thing u have to understand about men is that female aesthetics (looks) are quite necessary for them to take interest. They are more visual creatures. Women on the other hand can often see past the physical. This is a generalization but often times is true. With that being said a single man is gonna choose the cute female friend b4 he chooses the ugly one. Ya dig?

  • monique

    ok jozen…you talked me into it. you can use me! lol

  • Heidi O

    This was a great post. Nice and sweet. No complications, no mess just fun. I’m glad your back too.

  • Neek78

    Wow, that is refreshing to hear coming from a man. I am in your same position. Growing up I many hung around guys, but now, the majority of my male friends are now married or in relationships. As my male friendship circle gets smaller and smaller I feel so lonely and “guyless”,lol. I tend to long for someone to chill with, watch a game, go to an amusement part, just have fun with! This past summer has been the most boring in my entire life due to no guy pal to have fun with. So trust me, I know exactly how you feel. 🙂

  • T

    #stamped…..what a great read!

  • citygirl22

    @Spring , thanks for that, you said it so much better than I could have in the moment.

    I will add the general observation that males and females alike tend to be attracted (for friendship or otherwise), to those that are within 2 “points” of their own attractiveness on a 1 to 10 scale. Yes, it’s arbitrary but humans can be very arbitrary. And some of the attraction may be due to very real personal compatibility… a person who considers themselves attractive is usually confident, outgoing, etc. and likely seeking similar qualities in whomever they choose to hang with; whether platonic or not.

    Besides, Jozen acknowledged that it is a superficial standard, one which leaves open the possibility that said friendship might grow into something more. “Something more” typically requires physical attraction. He is being real, and folks ought to respect that.

  • mariebella


  • Ondrea

    Welcome back.

  • Tea

    Welcome back. I can see from this post how hungry you were to write and how helpful I think this blog is (or can be) to your personal growth. Because it seems like if you didn’t have it you wouldn’t think about anything but work… and probably sex. 🙂

    Can’t wait to see what else you have in store. I hope you find the girl friend you’re looking for. It shouldn’t be TOO hard (except for their actually boyfriends and husbands who may think you’re running games and those pesky single females who actually want a boyfriend, not a boy friend). But, you know, other than those minor roadblocks women in general are pretty awesome and so your search should be simple.

  • Brittney

    AWWW This is so sweet! and I really respect the fact that you realize men do actually need women…not in a NEEDY weak way..but as a support system..a helpmate..a Best Friend.. a lover..but like you said the basis for this type of relationship is a FRIEND trips me out how so many guys are foolish enough to only use women for sex & money..its like they feel a need for a woman but dont comprehend it in a healthy way..they typically try to fulfill the need in a very selfish egotistical way 🙁 some ladies are VERY guilty of the same thing though…but hey, I guess you are the exception!! <3

  • Star

    I need a Boy Friend. Just be friends and have fun!