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Five Rules The Girl Friend Should Follow

September 8th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Yesterday when I wrote about wanting a girl friend in my life, I think I gave the impression I didn’t have any.

Not true.

I have a handful of girl friends; women who have held me down all in the name of friendship. Some of them are ex-girlfriends and some of them I tried to get with but failed and as it turns out, they were cool people anyway. Those who forced me into friendship because I wasn’t going to get anything else are also kind enough to let me believe things could happen later on down the line. Maybe. If I pray. A lot. But I digress…

But the thing I love most about my girl friends is how easy they make it easy for me to hang out with them and confide in them. How easygoing and drama free they are about most things when it comes to me. These girl friends play their role and they play it well, so it is under their influence I write up the five things I need to be friends with a girl.

YES, I NEED TO BE ATTRACTED TO HER

Yesterday I got a little heat from a couple of commentators who found my desire for an attractive girl friend deplorable. I understand why, but it’s like I said, I don’t think I want a girlfriend right now, but I do know I want my next girlfriend to be a girl friend first. Thus, I would like her to be fly. It’s really that simple. Besides, all my other current girl friends are attractive, why stop now? Any man knows what kind of doors open up when a pretty woman is by his side, so excuse me if I want the finest friends on the planet. I have parties to attend and other women to meet, so when I meet those women, I would like them to see the bar is set high, and there’s no greater indicator of that then when she meets my very pretty girl friend.

ALL DUTCH EVERYTHING

I’m the homie first and a gentlemen in emergencies only. In other words, putting myself in front of a moving vehicle to protect my girl friend? Absolutely. Footing the whole bill at dinner, especially when it wasn’t even my idea to go to the spot we’re eating at? Nonsense. Wanted to be treated like a lady? Find a boyfriend. Until then, I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m not used to pulling out chairs whenever I go out with my other friends.

SLEEP OVERS MUST BE ALLOWED, HER BED IS PREFERRED

Last week, I was locked out of my apartment for the night. I called up a friend of mine and asked her if I could crash until the morning when management would be in the office and get me in at a much cheaper rate than a locksmith. She welcomed me in with no hesitation, and I fell asleep on the couch while she tended to some work. When she was turnng in for the night, I tried to sleep in her much more comfortable bed. She shut that down. So, she gets two cool points for letting me crash at her spot, but one point taken away for treating me like Vince Vaughn in The Break-Up.

The thing about the bed is I know if the roles were reversed and she needed a place to crash, I would be a complete jerk for making her sleep on an air mattress or one of my couches. But, when my boys visit and stay with me, they get the air mattress or one of my couches. They don’t get the bed. So this is how it’s going down if I need to stay at another girl friend’s spot. I get to sleep above the covers with a throw blanket on top of me in the bed. None of this couch stuff unless when she stays with me, she’s going to willingly take the couch too.

LET A MAN BE A MAN

When I’m around my boys, we talk all kinds of smack about all kinds of things and frankly, a lot of is pretty unsavory. I mean, if trash talk was illegal, we would get locked up. Yes we say racist things and sexist things, but it’s cool because we know it’s just a bunch of jive we’re talking. We don’t mean all of it, just some of it, but who’s keeping a record? No one. The reason we enjoy conversations is because we know we don’t need to bite our tongue. So ladies, if a man starts talking a certain way around you and starts saying sexist, perverse things, let it slide (unless they’re directed at you, then you pump brakes on the conversation), because it’s a man’s way of saying he respects you the same way he respects his boys. And if that’s something you can’t hang with, you might need to find a new friend.

Remember, the key to a successful platonic relationship with the opposite sex is to treat him or her like they are the same sex.

NEVER TAKE THE POSSIBILITY OF SEX OR A RELATIONSHIP OFF THE TABLE

The kind of girl friend I get annoyed with the most, is the one who wants to tell me all the things we’re not doing and all the things we’re not going to be. Hey, if I make a move, and it’s not going down, fine, let me know and we’ll move along. But if I don’t make a move, don’t volunteer such useless information.

These days, I’m focused on being a friend first because it’s what I need most, but I’m really not into limited relationships. I understand the perils of crossing a line, but I think a lot of those dangers can be avoided if people didn’t get so swept up in spontaneous moments with each other. That’s the real problem. If I want something more than friendship, I’m going to communicate that clearly and not through some drunken, fun night together.

I mean, are we not friends? Can I not trust her to tell her how I feel about anything? If I can tell my girl friend about all the other girls out there in the world I want to hook up with, I should be able to tell her when that girl is her, and her response should not be, “It’ll never happen.” Just say, “Not now.” I’ll understand. Trust me. Just like we should never make strangers our partners, we should never befriend the kind of people we can’t grow old with. The girl friends I want are the girl friends who will be with me for life. Just like my boys.

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  • http://www.thechicagosupperclub.com Alana

    As usual I admire your honest and your ability to…well…set yourself up to get laughed at,luv it!

  • Sepia Brown

    While I don’t agree with everything you said here, I can see where a lasting relationship can be built with the girl friend. Love it!

  • http://liferequiresmorechocolate.com Tiffany

    So you want to have the opportunity for sex but not have to be a gentleman? I am just trying to get some clarity on this, lol.

    Tiffany
    Peace, Love and Chocolate

  • Danni

    Hmmmm…is it just me or is this whole “girl friend” thing starting to sound eerily similar to the “friends with benefits” thing?

  • DiggZ

    I’m with you except for the bed thing. You have to take into consideration if said girl friend has a boo or even a buddy, that might cause you sleeping in her bed to create drama.

  • http://womanofcolor.wordpress.com brownivyx

    1. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with this. People have preferences for friends and lovers, and yours happen to involve physical appearance. Mine happen to involve a certain level of intelligence and World sophistication. Some people want friends who are married with children. Others, single folk. I don’t think any of these is better or worse than the next. You like what you like .
    2. Agreed. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than when male friends buy me stuff, particularly when I’ve already said I’m fine. I think it sends the wrong message. It’s a not-so-great precedent and, unfortunately, it falls on the girl to set clear-cut boundaries, at least in the beginning.
    3. Ummm, no. Couch. If I had to crash at my male friend’s place, I would be fine with the couch. Totally 100% fine. Unless there was a guest bed. Then, that’s just mean.
    4. Agreed. This is one of the BEST things about having male friends. They tell it like it is: no politics and etiquette, no sugar-coating or euphemisms. Some of it is delightfully insightful and some of it is deliciously stupid. But I love it all, and I’m right there in it, talking smack and dropping gems as well.
    5. Pretty much. The truth is, you never know. At any moment, things could change, for better or worse. But really, friendship is about enjoying those around you right now.

  • http://www.istilljustdontgetit.wordpress.com C.D.

    I love this post. People always say guys and girls can’t be “just friends” and I kinda agree. I’m a girl that has serial guy friends, and while the relationships are predominately platonic, I’d be bold-faced lying if I didn’t admit that I love the weird flirty undertones. I like that I can talk about guys I’m actually interested in, and I love giving them advice on their antics with women; but I also love that I know they think I’m adorable, and if the stars lined up just right, there could be a really cool story to tell our kids.

  • http://www.Reads4Pleasure.com Reads4Pleasure

    Call it what you will, but it sounds like you want all of the benefits of a girlfriend without having to put forth too much effort.

  • Sunni B

    LOL…You are so full of it! Nevertheless, I still love reading your shenanigans!

  • Lisa

    As yesterday, I’m in total agreement & this is how my friendships work. Although, I have foot the whole bill sometimes, sometimes them & sometimes Dutch. Just depends on the circumstances. And, got an offer just yesterday to ‘take it further.’ The answer was ‘nah, not now’ and we moved on. No big deal & no love lost. We’re still good! Hmmm…next time I’m headed your way, I’m going to definitely let you know! Uh, maybe. Gonna send that pic ahead of time…

  • Keia

    well said

  • theMeekie

    I’m a little confused with this post Jozen. I hope I don’t get chewed out for my comment; but this post seemed a little (actually more than a little) hypocritical. In rule 2 you say ALL DUTCH everything because you’re not gentlemen enough to pull out chairs and pay for both…but in rule 3 you demand to sleep in the bed because you would let her sleep in yours… Why MUST she let you sleep in her bed, when you won’t even pull out the chair. Isn’t the favor already being applied by opening her doors to you in the time of need. How are cool points being taken away when you’re reaping all the benefits of the favor?

    Also I understand men are men and they will act as such, but just because we are friends I will not let you get away with say just anything, if I don’t agree with it… I don’t even let my friend girls just say anything (racist, sexist, egotistical, etc.) if I find offense or disagree with it.

    It just seems like you want all the perks out of this homieship (yes made up word) without having to respect the other party. I am not judging, saying you’re a bad person, or horrible friend; I’m just wondering if there is a female out there that is willing to play by these 5 rules. If there is, will you be willing to play by hers? Also should there be rules put to a homieship?

  • Cristina

    I love how you use words like fly and jive!

    When you like someone’s personality they seem more attractive than perhaps seeing them walk down the street. That being said, I don’t find you putting that in there as offensive because I think all my friends are attractive; I just never predefined that as necessary to becoming friends.

  • http://laurenmichellesmith.tumblr.com LaLa

    I think if anyone read the post yesterday that today’s post is further clarifying a point I think every single-something could bear to hear. If you go looking for it, you’re not going to find it!

    Personally, I don’t believe in men and women being what society calls a friend because of Rule #1. All my friends are attractive and if I don’t find you to be good-looking, chances are, we aren’t going to be friends very long. Just the way it is. And probably if most people took a good long look, they’d see the same. Due to this contention, there is no way to avoid Rule #5. We need emotional AND physical connection and if the feel is right, you may just find yourself in both and with your “friend”. So WHAT?!

    I think many of you are misinterpreting Rule #3, including Jozen. As a FRIEND I’d offer my bed to you if you couldn’t make it to your place. It’s just common courtesy. But I guess hospitality is a thing of the past.

  • http://sinnamonnights.blogspot.com/ Sinnamon

    I see your points. Most of them. But Jozen, a lady is still a lady whether she is your friend or your girlfriend. You don’t put he ron the couch because she’s a female. You, on the other hand, are not. And EVERYTHING dutch??? So are u saying you don’t foot the bill sometimes when you go eat with a guy friend?

  • sideeye

    Good points, BUT…I have to say if you take rule #1 out or change it up then the need to sleep in her bed wouldnt be an issue…because if you not attracted to her it not an issue if you’re sleeping on the couch..

    I will put a friends (male/female) on the sofa bed..just makes sense to me.

  • http://www.adivastateofmind.com A Diva State of Mind

    Contray to many comments, I actually agree with you and your list. Although, I don’t mind sleeping on my guy friend’s couch if I have too. The five points you describe above make up the type of relationships I have with my male friends. I can sit around and talk with the boys and my male friends have expressed to me in the past that if I wanted to I could be with them; it’s just how males and females interact. At the end of the day we’re all still friends, but I know things could be different if I wanted them to.

  • Coco

    Great post. Maybe I’m assuming, but some of this must be facetious; written to provoke comments. Why you gotta sleep in the bed Jozen? Soooo, will you have girl friends after you are married??? Or will you have less attractive friends so as not to be attracted to them.? I’m just sayin’.

  • JCC

    You have seriously got to be one of the most ignorant little boys I have ever read a post from. So basically you want to have your cake and eat it too? Grow up Jozen…Grow up You don’t want a girl friend you just want easy access to f*ck lol

  • http://thefabfoodie.wordpress.com thefabfoodie

    Great post as usual – love the progression from yesterday’s post. I think number 1 is extremely accurate. I’ve had this conversation with other guys and they share the same sentiment about the “attractive girl friend”. I think the bed thing comes down to your level of comfort – I wouldn’t mind, as long as you respect the boundaries of our friendship.

  • Nadira Rae

    Daaaaaamn, when did your ‘rules’ lists start becoming commandments written on stone tablets??? It’s not that serious people lol. Clearly the break did you some good….back to offending people like hotcakes! 🙂

  • Kady

    I’m down with the list, even thought you may have to rework number 3 if your not both single, and number 5 is wishful thinking Jozen, but we can all dream.

  • http://www.twitter.com/alesiamichelle AlesiaMichelle

    I’m so late on this post…
    I like the list. I agree with the list.
    On #5, I think, as females, we sometimes shut things down before we even think about it.
    “let go,let love flow…”
    And take the sticks out of our asses and have some fun! lol

  • Kemz

    #3 is laughable.

    My mother taught me to never give up my bed unless it’s family. Maybe a west indian thing? Or just her thing? *kanye shrug*

    At my guy friends’ places I take the couch. No questions about it and if you offer me your bed i’ll most likely refuse.

  • citygirl22

    This list makes perfect sense. I have attractive male friends whom I love to hang out with because they’re FUN. Sometimes they insist on paying for everything and sometimes I do
    (note to @Sinnamon : if you pay sometimes and your friend pays sometimes, the net effect = dutch. What Jozen meant is he’s not paying for everything ALL THE TIME if you’re not his girl).

    I have shared a bed with my male best friend several times (although I’d sleep on the couch if he preferred)… we just choose not to be physical with each other. And conversely, I would offer my bed to any guest in my home, even if it meant that I’d be sleeping on my own couch.

    To me, personally, friendship doesn’t need to be devoid of desire or attraction in order to be true friendship. Sure, platonic friendships can exist– but realistically, I think the majority of male-female friendships are semi-platonic ones in which one or both persons involved decide not to act on their desire. Consequently, the possibility of the friendship evolving into a romantic/sexual relationship is still present. And some of the best relationships DO begin as friendships.

  • Cali

    A lot of this is really just geared toward sleeping w/ her @ some point, & seeing IF it could turn into a relationship (while saving $ along the way, LOL) – why else would you care about how attractive she is? & her telling you it’ll never happen if it will, indeed, NEVER happen?? LOL, just be honest. You want to increase your options by having more attractive females around that may let you hit – bottom line. The bed thing is goofy & totally up to her – anyone crashing should simply be glad to have a place to stay, the guest having a rule about it is laughable. & if she tells you its not in the cards, she probably means it & you might wanna take heed 🙂

  • Danielle

    Nah bruh, on the couch u go. No playing sticky fingers with me. lol Wake up in the morning and we’re spooning. And yep when a dude is paying for things all the time it’s sets the stage for something else. And the wonderful things about men is they keep it real. It might hurt your feelings and/or make you give them the side eye but it’s a wonderful balance.

  • http://hennasplace.wordpress.com Sheri

    That sounds too complex for me. If you want as the phase coined from Sex and the City a fuck buddy, then by all means knock yourself out. However, that kind of relationship generally means just sex without the idea of dating. You do not have to confide your inner most feelings to this person because it’s just sex. There are no sleepovers because it’s just sex and you just leave. The friend with benefits is complicated because the boundaries of the relationship is unclear. I think for the most part people like to know where they stay. If you told me that all ready want is sex, then I may want to the same thing and we both know that we are not looking for anything profound from each other.

    I think it’s fine if you do not want to be in a commited relationship or get married for it is your life, and really do not justify to another else. However, you should be honest even if others do not feel the same as you. You may find that person who feels the same as you and doesn’t mind doing what you propose.

  • Tasha

    The verdict is in; I’m the great girl friend!

  • dellbelle

    I rocks with this post. I have never had a boyfriend, but I have oodles of male friends. The one thing that stands out is that I have never crossed the line (past a drunken kiss) with any of them but two (out of say ten close ones in the past ten years).

    The one thing that I find awful is that most of the guys I date think that there is no such thing as a strictly male friend or that maybe it implies I’m loose b/c the assumption is that I MUST BE sleeping with these male friends if say they call and I’m watching MNF w/ Tim or out to dinner w/ Bob & Joe. I laugh it off as insanity, because if those guys I were dating at any giving time were doing what they should be doing they’d never have to question why I’m not sleeping with them. Ya’ dig?!

    Some of the ladies who think J just wants a girl friend minus the l touching the f should really peep the picture. Your lover should be your friend, and if he can’t do what a friend can do for you what good can he be as a potential spouse, father of your future kids, and (you get the picture)…

    Love fully. Friends do that for me, and even when one of those guys thinks I’m crazy they don’t run from the relationship. Nothing about what Jozen is saying implies a “buddy.” That’s what the guy you’re seeing who calls you once a week has going with you. Jozen is talking about a friend but not one you rapidly run around saying, “I’d never date you.” or “You’re not my type.” He’s just saying, “Open your eyes.” Maybe your friend will have a day when he (or you) realizes that you were what he wanted all along… What’s so wrong with that one? If you’re not interested in your friend at that moment in time (should it arise), well then you’re just not. Yet courtship today isn’t as stated or as methodical as it used to be; building a friendship as equals first could very well lay the best foundation for our relationships.

    Women.. we want it both ways and not at all…

  • dellbelle

    I rocks with this post. I have never had a boyfriend, but I have oodles of male friends. The one thing that stands out is that I have never crossed the line (past a drunken kiss) with any of them but two (out of say ten close ones in the past ten years).

    The one thing that I find awful is that most of the guys I date think that there is no such thing as a strictly male friend or that maybe it implies I’m loose b/c the assumption is that I MUST BE sleeping with these male friends if say they call and I’m watching MNF w/ Tim or out to dinner w/ Bob & Joe. I laugh it off as insanity, because if those guys I were dating at any given time were doing what they should have been doing they never would have had to question why I’m not sleeping with them. Ya’ dig?!

    Some of the ladies who think J just wants a girl friend minus the l touching the f should really peep the picture. Your lover should be your friend, and if he can’t do what a friend can do for you what good can he be as a potential spouse, father of your future kids, and (you get the picture)…

    Love fully. Friends do that for me, and even when one of those guys thinks I’m crazy they don’t run from the relationship. Nothing about what Jozen is saying implies a “buddy.” That’s what the guy you’re seeing who calls you once a week has going with you. Jozen is talking about a friend but not one you rapidly run around saying, “I’d never date you.” or “You’re not my type.” He’s just saying, “Open your eyes.” Maybe your friend will have a day when he (or you) realizes that you were what he wanted all along… What’s so wrong with that one? If you’re not interested in your friend at that moment in time (should it arise), well then you’re just not. Yet courtship today isn’t as stated or as methodical as it used to be; building a friendship as equals first could very well lay the best foundation for our relationships.

    Women.. we want it both ways and not at all… Still we want it all.

  • dellbelle

    Can you delete comment 30 and this one 32, pls? Had a grammatical error or 2 in my free flowing thought that glared back at me after I pressed submit. 🙂

  • http://www.teaandsuch.blogspot.com Tea

    Ha! Per usual, you’re asking for a whole lot. My male friends, rarely if ever let me pay for anything. That’s not true, 75% of my male friends don’t let me pay for anything. It’s not like we’re seeing each other every day or even every weekend, so they have no problem footing the bill on the rare occasions that we do see each other (vs. bbm, gchat and talk on the phone). I find this to be the case with my girls too. We just get the bill for each other sometimes. It’s never ALWAYS dutch.

    Asking a woman to let you be sexist, racist and perverse when she’s not generally those things is asking her to not be herself. If she’s the kind of woman who would call her girls out for saying those things, she’s likely going to call her boys out for the same type of stuff. You can’t expect a woman to act like a man in the girl friend and boy friend relationship unless you plan on acting like a woman.

    You trippin’ on the bed thing. Next you’re gonna ask just to put the head in.

    I feel you 100% on the attraction and the sex pieces though. I feel the same way.

  • Nadia

    Josen, Josen, Josen…what are we gonna do with you?

  • Vonzell

    I really hope I took this post the wrong way, but seriously? You’re full of it. I didn’t expect this from you. She has to be attractive, because you must be able to show her off and she might become your girlfriend? Look. I understand that you want your girlfriend to be attractive, and I agree. It’s preferable that lovers are somewhat attracted to one another. But just friends? You shouldn’t treat your friends as potential lovers. Treat them like people. If she’s nice and you click, but she’s ugly? Be friends. You will end up missing out on some great people in life, just because they weren’t blessed with beauty. I have some guy friends who are frankly ugly as all hell. But I’m friends with them for who they are, not because of what they look like. Therefore, it doesn’t matter. It’s not true friendship if looks play a key.

    And the couch vs. bed thing? Please. If I’m crashing at a guy friend’s place: I’ll gladly sleep on the floor. Be grateful she’s even letting you stay there. Beds are really intimate furniture… I wouldn’t let just a friend sleep there either.

    And the trash talk thing? If I’m talking smack about blacks to a black person named Rosie, but not specifically targeting Rosie, does that make it okay? Even further, should Rosie feel privileged that I have fleshed out my “true feelings” and what I “talk with the other girls” about? No. If a man thinks it’s okay to make sexist comments, especially if he has the audacity to makes them in front of a female, that shows a very ugly side of him. Sexism is not manliness.

    Jozen, I don’t know what to say. Overall, I’m pretty disappointed. You really didn’t seem like this type of guy, chauvinistic and shallow. And I’m not saying that you are completely, but this blog post definitely is. Your idea of a female friend is friends with benefits, and that’s wrong.

  • honeymoney

    I would never want to be friends with you!

  • http://www.ohsuchislife.wordpress.com Melanie

    I can say I am definitely the girl friend, according to your post. Although, I don’t let the boys have my bed, lol.

    My brother literally thinks “I’m one of the guys.” At times, I enjoy it because I don’t have to worry about leading anyone on but then again is a guy eventually going to see me more than “one of the guys”?

    Time will tell.

  • Guest

    sleeping in the same bed? hell no! that’s just asking for trouble, I don’t care how many covers are on the bed 9 times outa 10 something is gonna happen. and once it does you can’t change it. keep things platonic all the way ..unless ya’ll decide to cross that bridge. if not. march your butt over to the couch. lol