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No Date Unless I Am One of The Best Looking Guys You Ever Dated

September 16th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

I get crushed all the time by readers for making a big deal about looks. Many have called me superficial and ask why I always have to emphasize my desire for women I’m attracted to, and I suppose it’s a fair concern. We should make room to give everyone a try, even those we initially pay no mind because we see no reason to do so.

But if anyone has been paying attention to this blog long enough, they may notice I don’t preach the importance of dating someone who turns us on to just the guys. Largely because most guys don’t have a problem dating the person who turns them on. We’re easily stimulated visually, so nine times out of 10, we’re going after the girl who makes us say, “Damn.”

It’s the women who still don’t understand where I come from when I say, ‘Date the first person who catches our eye.’ So to perhaps make my point a little bit more clear, allow me to sacrifice myself to any and all women who may think I’m not that cute or think I am a seven and it’s only because I’m funny I get an eight on a scale of 1-10. I don’t want to date any of you all, and I insist you all don’t date me.

The type of women I’ve been with fall into two camps. The first is the one who gave me a chance because I said all the right things and I made them laugh initially. Then there are the women who caught my eye because I noticed them noticing me. To say nothing of one camp over the other, it was always the girls from the latter camp who made me feel more secure.

And here’s where we start leaving comments about how I should just be more secure with myself. Well, when I’m by myself I am, but if I’m with someone else, I don’t see what’s wrong with wanting to be secure with how she feels about me.

What makes any woman think a man doesn’t want to feel like a stud? Better question: What makes a woman think a man only cares about making her laugh or being the smartest guy she knows? Does she not understand that a man wants to be EVERYTHING to her and that includes the most good looking guy she lays eyes on everyday when she wakes up. Hell, he will take it even if he’s tied for first with Idris Elba. Long as he’s still in first too, that’s very important to remember.

To be clear, what I’m talking about here is not types, I’m talking about attraction. I don’t think I need to be a woman’s type to be attractive to her. I’ve talked before about the girl who dated me and said her type of guy was Blair Underwood. I look nothing like that guy, but she sure did a good job of making me feel like I did. So I knew I wasn’t her type, but I knew she was attracted to me, especially on the days when I got my haircut.

If anything, when a man says something like what I’m saying, when a man is encouraging women to go out there and date the man they find themselves staring at for an inappropriate amount of time, ‘they should feel empowered and go forth. Not just because I say so, but because that’s how I’m living my life and I must say, dating someone you’re very attracted to, someone who is beautiful in your eyes and is so fine you can watch her just sleep, it’s a pretty good feeling. It’s a pretty good feeling for me and it’s a pretty good feeling for her.

Because honestly I don’t know one woman who would want it any other way. I don’t know one woman who would feel comfortable with a man who dated her because she made him laugh and she was a beast in the kitchen, but not because of the way she looked. I’m pretty sure a woman doesn’t want to hear a man say, “Yeah, when I met you the thing I liked is you weren’t one of those real pretty girls. They’re always so stuck up. ” She would feel pretty uncomfortable from that point on. So what makes a woman think men are comfortable with the same standing?

Men aren’t. I know I have never been. No matter how comfortable I am with myself, nothing will make me feel more uncomfortable than being with a woman who doesn’t see the same thing I see in the mirror when I look at myself.

This is why I a few weeks ago I wrote the post, “Raise Your Hand If You Want A Fat Guy Because I’m Getting Fat.” I wanted to see what girls out there dug the love handles because even if I get more and more of them, I would much rather be with the woman who thinks they’re sexy than the woman who is going to tolerate them because I have such a great sense of humor. The woman who loves the love handles will also probably laugh at the same jokes, so what do I gain by being with a woman gave me a chance when we first met all because I have a sharp wit? I understand looks can grow on people and we can get better and better looking to our partners over time, but don’t we also always say looks fade? Then why would I want a girl who starts me off at a seven if I know my looks will eventually fade to a five? I’d rather start off at a 10 or a nine and then fade down to a seven.

What this all boils down to is something most women don’t fundamentally understand. Of all the things I have written on this blog, what I’m about to say next is something I want every woman to know about men, and if I have said it before than obviously I mean it now. Here it is:

The woman a man is attracted to the most, above all other women, is the woman who is into him. She is the woman who caught his eye because he caught her eye, the woman who checked him out and said with her eyes, “Come here.” The woman who was attracted to him is the woman he wants the most, and that is why I don’t want to date a woman who thinks I’m only okay looking. Sorry, I’m just not attracted to the woman who isn’t attracted to me and ask anyone who knows me, I only date the women to whom I’m attracted.

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  • Brown Eyes

    I love this!!! Nice to see it from the male point of view!

  • Danielle Simon

    I agree with you on this one, because it goes hand in hand how women feel too! It’s also refreshing to hear that a man can also appreciate a woman who wanted him first!!!

  • Shawntel

    Love, Love, Love this post! Because frankly, I want to be his #1 too…right up there with Beyonce’, Alicia Keys, Halle Berry, Gabby Union or whoever has his #1 spot! LOL

  • http://www.realtalk123.com AlesiaMichelle

    I agree with this post, but ftr I don’t want to be the hottest girl a guy has dated by too much. If you’ve only dated ugly girls… What does that make me? Eek!

  • http://www.teaandsuch.blogspot.com Tea

    I couldn’t agree more. I get so tired of trying to explain “the attraction piece” to people who act like it’s a superficial point. It’s not. Next time this comes up, I’m not going to say any words. I’ll just send folks a link to this post.

  • http://twitter.com/freeyourheart freeyourheart

    This is my favorite line: I understand looks can grow on people and we can get better and better looking to our partners over time, but don’t we also always say looks fade? Then why would I want a girl who starts me off at a seven if I know my looks will eventually fade to a five? I’d rather start off at a 10 or a nine and then fade down to a seven.

    Love this post! It also reiterated to me, I need to give compliments to the dude(s) I’m dating. They like to hear it as much as we do. Thanks for the lesson, sir!

  • Sunni B

    “I don’t see what’s wrong with wanting to be secure with how she feels about me.”

    Enough said!

  • http://metanotherfrog.com Sam Sharpe

    Couldn’t agree more. You are so good at articulating what men think and feel. I’m going to recommend that all my female friends read your blog. Keep up the good work.

  • Nadia

    Lol @ alesiamichelle I know right..but guys seem to be attracted to me even if I’m not attracted to them. I currently rock a fade, and I wear glasses, so a guy has to be pretty confident if he’s going to talk to me. But its like the guys I give the come hither looks are not interested, and the ones I ignore (old guys, bums, too young guys) seem to be attracted to me like magnets…

  • Kady

    Looks can only take you so far. I would much rather date a 7 who had the extra attributes I look for like funny, intelligent, hard working, and matched my lifestyle than some 9 or 10 whose personality or lifestyle wasn’t up to par.
    Beauty isn’t real, its 100% driven by the media (the majority), most of the beautiful actors and actresses look the same, because thats what the media tells us is beautiful. You shouldn’t be opening your heart to people just because they’re beautiful or because they think your beautiful, if thats your standard, you already failed. If you think about the people who mean the most to you in life, their looks have nothing to do with it.

    I totally understand the need for mutual attraction, but I don’t think looks should be the deciding factor.

    And as for the quote used in the post ““Yeah, when I met you the thing I liked is you weren’t one of those real pretty girls. They’re always so stuck up. ” I’ve had the reversal of “Yea when I first met you, I though you were one of those stuck-up professional types but you were so beautiful…” Not quite a win in either case, I just get so irked by people who praise beauty.

  • MzNYCEsq

    “Better question: What makes a woman think a man only cares about making her laugh or being the smartest guy she knows? Does she not understand that a man wants to be EVERYTHING to her and that includes the most good looking guy she lays eyes on everyday when she wakes up. Hell, he will take it even if he’s tied for first with Idris Elba. Long as he’s still in first too, that’s very important to remember.”

    I LOOOVE this Jozen!! I’m really glad you put the male perspective out there… I appreciate it even if other don’t…

  • Amanda

    I really like your writing but I am a little confused. You do talk about looks a lot and yet you seem so wise in other respects that I get a little perplexed by you. I am all for being attracted to your potential mate but you make it seem like only a supermodel will do and I think that is what makes some people uncomfortable with you. I would like to know what your idea of a beautiful woman is. Some examples would be nice. Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder maybe we don’t understand that your idea of beautiful isn’t as unattainable as you make it seem sometimes. The way you talk makes it seem like you only date women that end up on magazine covers and if you gave us some examples of what your idea of a ten is then maybe people wouldn’t criticize you so much.

  • Mississ

    Amen to this one, Jozen. I’m always telling my friends that I don’t want to go into a realationship thinking about what I would “fix” on the man I’m dating. For example, I love a man with straight, white teeth. There are few things more attractive than a beautiful smile, in my opinion. So when I meet a man with gold teeth, missing teeth or teeth like a jack-o-lantern I don’t even look twice. I’m sure he could be a great man with an awsome personality and and even sharper wit, but he’s not the one for me. My female friends inevitably say, “You’re gonna miss out on a good man! Teeth can be fixed.” And, they’re correct. Teeth can be fixed. But I don’t want to enter the relationship plotting to change something about him. I’m a curvy girl (that’s the politically correct way to say chubby these days). If you’re a man who is attracted to thin women then you should start there when choosing a mate. Don’t ask me out, date me, and then start pushing me to loose weight. That’s not fair to me. I want to know that the man I’m dating thinks I’m beautiful and he deserves the same treatment from me.

  • http://dareesinsights.wordpress.com Daree

    You didn’t mention this, but what about the chase? Yes, you want to be with someone who is attracted to you and rates you #1, and you may have caught her noticing you. Where do you go from there? Would you rather chase her, feeling secure confident that you can go for it, or wait for her to approach you? Does her approaching you up the attraction factor?

  • http://www.bostonlatinotv.com La Eve!

    Wonderful blog and ditto..only I only date the guys I think are the hottest! if you know Idris…pls send him my way!..:)

  • Kae-Toya

    so its ok for me to only date guys who i think are hot then? and i shouldn’t hear any fools saying that im stuck up or conceited because of that.

  • Kae-Toya

    @Kady

    I agree here what about the guy who is a 6 or a 7 but he is going to make you tea when your sick, and rub your feet after a long day, and lets not forget the days when your feeling down about the way you look and he can sex you up and make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. And what about the days when he can make you feel so empowered you could take on Conan the barbarian and win, because you know you have your man in your corner to back you up.

  • http://thesoundofitall.tumblr.com Mel

    I thought this was well written and couldn’t be more spot on. A lot of times we think what men want is so drastically different from the wants of a woman when really sometimes it’s just this simple. Thanks for providing the male perspective here. I know for damn sure the last thing I want is to be at dinner with my man and notice him distracted by the prettier-than-me-to-him chick at the bar giving him the eye because I went a few minutes without telling a joke.

    I think it’s interesting how we (women) say we want the male perspective, we read blogs like this and then question the validity of the authors perspective. Why do we question the wants of a man when expressed by said man?

  • Tali

    THIS is exactly what I needed to hear. I was seriously getting bummed over the last week or so because..well I’ve always had a decent track record with guys, dating ones I found HOT, but as of late, I’ve just not met a lot I’ve seen attracted to enough to want to take it there. And I’ve always refused to settle. My pops always said growing up, he figured someone has to date the fine girls, why not him? I feel the same way, only “fine” is very subjective to my personal taste and what I find attractive, ie not the masses. Anyway, my girlfriends have been saying “Oh tali thats just how it is, you’ll have to settle for the ___ ___(things I don’t find attractive) because they have GREAT personalities”. Cool.

    No. SO yeah, very refreshing to hear my thoughts echoed and really, articulated better than I had even thought them out. And reinforced the idea that we women should go after the men we find sexy and attractive, because GEEZ nothing beats being able to look at your dude and say “Damn, I’m lucky, and not just because of his lovely personality”.

  • zy

    Oh… I SO agree with this post!!! Seriously… if my man isn’t going to look at me and think I’m hands down, the sexiest woman he’s seen… why do I want to be with him? I totally agree. Looks do fade, that’s a given but even when looks fade, you still have to have a supreme attraction to keep someone interested. it’s a part of life. women are visual creatures as well, we just try to fall for society’s stance that we’re not so we don’t sound superficial. screw that, i love a goodlooking man and i damn sure am not settling for one that is less than that simply to make the world feel good.

  • citygirl22

    “… dating someone you’re very attracted to, someone who is beautiful in your eyes and is so fine you can watch her just sleep, it’s a pretty good feeling. It’s a pretty good feeling for me and it’s a pretty good feeling for her.”

    This is my favorite sentiment of the entire post. I describe it as being thrilled to wake up to the person I’m with everyday. And it doesn’t mean that any more real, or more meaningful, criteria are lacking. Just that this person is the whole package. That you value them and feel lucky to have them.

    Attraction is not nearly everything, but it is absolutely essential!!!

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