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So She Wants To Get Married

September 24th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

On this week’s Poppin’ Questions Podcast, a reader wrote to me about a guy she’s been dating for over two years who has told her (assuming on more than one occasion) he wants to marry her, but first, he wants to establish himself. It confuses her because she has always believed when a man wants to get married, he will do so, established or not. Never mind the fact that she doesn’t mention in the question whether or not she’s ready to get married. We’re just going to assume so.

I answered the question on the podcast, so at any point in time you all are more than welcome to listen to my two cents, but I wanted to create a post about it, for two reasons. The first is I actually get some version of this question in my Formspring quite often. Every week a woman writes to me and asks why her man can’t just pop the question? Why must he wait until he’s established? These questions are what leads me into the second reason for writing this post.

At least one man ought to try and explain what other men mean when they say they want to establish themselves before they get married. I’m going to give it my best shot right now.

Establishing oneself is about more than just having a good job, it’s about finding a job he’s happy doing so he doesn’t come home everyday pissed off at the world. Establishing oneself is more than just getting paid a huge amount of money, it’s about managing a huge amount of debt. Establishing oneself is more than just being able to pay the rent on time, it’s about being able to acquire a mortgage.

And some of us are going to say these are things a woman can help him accomplish. Fair enough. Women can help a man manage his debt, maybe she knows some people to get him the kind of job he wants, can bring her own nest egg to the table and together they can get a mortgage.

But there’s other things a man needs to establish for himself, things no woman can help him with no matter how hard she tried. In order for a man to ask a woman to go through the rest of their lives together, as one, he has to feel comfortable with himself as one. Establishing that comfort with who he is and where he’s at and where he wants to go are way more important than having the money to buy the ring his girlfriend always wanted. As they say, peace of mind is priceless. And I guess women have the same concerns. They too don’t quite know if the man who is asking their hand in marriage is the man they want to spend the rest of their life with, but then again, they know they want to spend the rest of their life with somebody.

Men don’t know who they want to marry or if they want to get married until they meet that woman, and all the while they’re wondering if they have what it takes to really be the type of husband they want to be and see; that’s what women don’t get. They don’t understand a man isn’t worried about whether or not his woman is ready, he’s too busy wondering if he is ready.

Even if I met the woman I wanted to marry tomorrow, I wouldn’t marry her the day after tomorrow or even a month from now. As a matter of fact, I don’t even have a time for such a thing to occur. What I do have is a long list of things I need to establish for myself before I bring any woman on board. To put this back on the women reading this blog, let’s say the woman I wanted to marry was you. Yes, you, woman who is reading this. Let’s say I wanted to marry you. That you loved me and knew you would for the rest of my life, and I loved you and knew I would love you for the rest of yours. Now that we have that established, I need to know if you’re ready to marry me in spite of a few other things some might call issues.

Would you marry me even though I have a massive amount of debt and barely a penny to my name? Would you marry me if all I had to offer was a one bedroom apartment I paid rent on every month? If I told you I feel a little unhealthy these days all because of some bad eating habits I’m not disciplined enough to change, would you marry me still? Would you say yes if I told you if I ever had to defend you against another man, I might lose the fight because I haven’t been in a fight since 8th grade? Would you marry me if I told you I had no idea whether or not I could stay faithful for the rest of my life because life is long (as Chris Rock once noted), but I promise to give it my best shot? Would you marry me if I told you I wasn’t afraid of getting a divorce? Would you marry me if I said I wasn’t baptized in the church I frequent? Would you marry me if I told you I will always do for a living what I do now, and so if my career isn’t where it needs to be to support our family, you would have to support it?

Would you say yes to me in spite of all these issues I just listed? Would you say yes to me if I hadn’t yet established whether or not I had what it takes to be a good husband, but I was for sure in love with you enough to want to spend the rest of my life with you?

If your answer is still yes, it’s good to know you’re willing to be with me in spite of all the conditions I gave. But unfortunately, I’m not comfortable with any of that. In order for me to marry you, I have to be able to look in the mirror and say ‘Every part of me is ready to be this woman’s husband.’ Instead, these days when I look in the mirror, I only see a man in love and I was always taught, love alone is not enough. So before I do (marry you) give me time to establish myself not for you, but for me to be with you for the rest of our lives. Please understand, it’s a process.

Real Quick: If you haven’t already (thanks to those who have), I would really appreciate if you take a look at the post I wrote, “Was It Something I Said.” Once you’re there, you’ll know why. Click here for more.

Also, as mentioned in the beginning of this post, the FIFTH edition of The Poppin’ Questions Podcast is up and can be streamed or downloaded. Click here to do one or the other.

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  • EJ

    If you meet the woman you want to marry, at the TIME you want to marry her, there will be none of this, “I want to establish myself” nonsense. Instead, you will know she is the one and you will actively and probably everyday work on getting established. Ladies, if your man is saying this crap to you and not actively making moves, walk away… He’s bsing or if he is truly your man, he’ll seek you out when he gets there. Thanks for another thoughtful post J…

  • Alexandra C.

    I love this post and i totally agree… Men will be men and as steve harvey mentioned in his book men cant be the man you want them to be unless he is happy with himself first … (not a total quote its just my opinion on what i got from the book). They want to be the provider the protector but cannot do that until comfortable. Great post

  • Bed Stuy

    Alexandra C. :
    Like or Dislike: 0  2I love this post and i totally agree… Men will be men and as steve harvey mentioned in his book men cant be the man you want them to be unless he is happy with himself first … (not a total quote its just my opinion on what i got from the book). They want to be the provider the protector but cannot do that until comfortable. Great post

    I don’t think Steve Harvey said that but I do believe Jozen has been preaching that for a while now….

    Regarding the post… And the church said Amen!

  • Sydnie

    I see where you are coming from. I really do. If you don’t feel like you are ready, me as the woman can not make you in anyway feel ready to be married. The ball is entirely in your court. In this post you have given the same traditional advice that any man or woman with two-cents about relationships will tell you, and great man after good man that me and my girls have dated all sing this same song about about being officially bf/gf and/or about getting married.

    What doesn’t help is the dating/relationship culture we live in now when people get married older and older. Men and women want to establish themselves independently and live a life of their own before merging with another which is a good thing.

    The problem comes because we women are on a time line. We have to ask the question WHEN will you feel like you are ready to be married? Unlike men, if what we want is to have a family, there is a time limit on that and if we are in our late twenties into our thirties and you are still singing this “i’m not established yet” song we gotta figure out if you’re the one for us. We don’t have time to waste because we literally gotta drop our babies before the clock strikes 12. That’s just biological fact.

    This is not true for all women because all women don’t want kids. All women don’t desire to be married.

    Just be aware – realize – that you as a man have the freedom, time-wise, to take your time and get established. As you’ve stated, the process is all about YOU.

    As for me, I’m asking the question, if this man is only thinking about what he needs before he gets married, can he possibly think of what I need? Do I really want to marry HIM?

  • Aisha

    There are so many things running through my head after reading this post, but I don’t want to write a long comment. I agree with the post and I also know some exceptions to this rule. I don’t know, I think when love happens things will just come together and both people will work to make that happen. Sounds like a fairytale, but I do believe that any real love is that powerful. This line pretty much sums it up: “In order for me to marry you, I have to be able to look in the mirror and say ‘Every part of me is ready to be this woman’s husband.’” I think more women should think about this before getting married as well.

  • Mari

    Good post. Getting married is an immediate change compared to cleaning up credit, losing weight, completing school, etc. Sounds like it could be plain impatience for immediate change (living arrangement, change in last name, ring, ridding inquiries from acquaintances, family, friends). I agree with Jozen, let the man handle his business as should the woman. Its called preventative care.

  • Jubilance

    This post answered the question I always had about why men needed to be established before getting married, and why they can’t do that building/establishing with the woman they love. Thanks for this post.

  • DWJ

    When I read this I thought, does love really have to be that complicated? I’m married and my husband didn’t have a lot of things together when he asked me to marry him but he told me the one thing he knew was right in his life was me and he wanted to marry me because he knew his life would be better. We got married at 24 and have built a great life together over the last 7 years, the operative word here being together. The thing about marriage is that you can do so much more in your life when you have the support and love of another person. At least that’s how I see it.

  • Nadira Rae

    Great post. I think this goes for both men and women. People need to be whole, within themselves before entering into any relationship…ESPECIALLY marriage, or you’re just setting yourselves up for failure. Now I don’t mean everything has to be perfect (or even your specific ideal of things) because life doesn’t always work that way. But a person AT LEAST should be emotionally and financially (and add spiritually and physically if it’s important to you) sound. So many people are quick to rush to the alter because they’re in love, lust, or watever else. Love and lust are GREAT, but it’s just not enough. Marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime, so the two people need to be SURE, but most importantly READY for it. Marriage takes work…and if one isn’t ‘established’ in certain aspects of their life, they may possibly have similar issues with this ‘job’, the same way they have with the job they hate going to everyday. (I’m not trying to reduce marriage to a job, but ya’ll know what I mean).

    Take your time people. So you can allow yourself and your partner to be the best spouse they can be.

  • Maisha

    I had always wondered about this topic and thank you for shedding light on it. what you are saying makes a lot of sense and I definitely never looked at it from the man’s point of view to this extent. Keep up the good work!

  • Truth

    Really Jozen?
    I’ve read Steve Harveys book so i completly understand the concept of a man wanting to get himself together b4 we can be married. And im def a sister who wouldnt marry a man with student loan debt (just bc he went to a school he couldnt afford doesnt mean I have to pay for it). But i dont agree that women should have to wait until a man has everything secure b4 we can live happily ever after with our man. Theres thing thing called the recession so most people these days arent climbing the corporate ladder the way they use 2. The housing market is crazy and most people are in student loan debt out of this world…so we have to wait for all of that to get right b4 we’re getting married. Ummm thats a long time from now!

  • goalawal

    This post was the “Its not you, it’s me” story but very true in its entirety. It should also be said that i my opinion Jozen >Steve Harvey and i mean that… Jozen’s life experience speaks more to my life and my daily experience as a man.. If you disagree that’s fine.

    Good post on articulating how a lot of men really feel. .. Its such a GREAT thing to be able to express ones self so well with words… I’m gonna copy, paste and send to a few lady friends of mine. Don’t forget to add that for men that were raised by single parents/ moms have a desire to make sure moms is never wanting for anything…

    Good shit!

  • CourtyJ

    I loved this post and I am in full understanding now of what I believe is largely the thought process of other men. It makes a TON of sense and I wouldn’t want to marry a man if he wasn’t ready to be married. Which leads me to my issue.

    The issue, and perhaps this should be further discussed, is why won’t men take responsibility for their place in life and work on fixing it wholeheartedly?
    By wholeheartedly I mean without the “distraction” of a relationship & girlfriend.
    If they were taking the time they invest in our relationship and investing it in themselves then there’s a large chance that they can get to that “established” place faster.
    I disagree with men making girlfriends out of women who they know want to be married within the next few years, falling in love with each other, and then saying to them, oh I need to “establish” myself.

    Work on you. Establish you. THEN come and meet me.
    Even if your 75% of the way there, that’s better than being my boyfriend for 3 years and having that long laundry list of things your uncomfortable with and leaving me here to wait until you clean up.

    Just my thoughts.

  • Deb

    You.Are.Definitely.Gifted. Well thought out and written! Take your bow sweetie!

  • Danielle

    Everyone has issues. And I think when you’re in love it should be a joint effort. If his/her credit is messed up then they should help each other fix it so they can move forward. But if your issues as so assed up that we can’t handle them together well why bother. Life is to short to deal with all that mess. There’s only so much I can deal with before I’m really roll.

  • Danielle

    And I have to add if after two years of being together and you know I want to get married and you’re STILL telling you want to get established first you can eat a big bowl of dicks because you’re lying and I hope the chick you’re with infests your place with bedbugs. After two years she should know what she has with him and what she’d be getting herself into and if she’s still there knowing all the rest of that talk is utter nonsense!

  • BoomShots

    The last woman I had this conversation with was in fact the person who was unprepared to be married. She was convinced she wanted to get married but she was in a poor life postion to enter into a marriage. Bad debt, poor credit and shaky job situation.

    Even a to the point rational piece like this will never overcome some women’s neagtive perspective that men want to be more than married but also be good husbands. But most of these women are probably overly focussed on the status of being married not the actual day to day of being married. If I a man am scuffling personally and professionally, it makes no sense to me to want to tie the woman I love to my scuffling ass, no matter how romantic it may sound. One of my exes and I spoke about this very matter recently and her regret was that her impatience to get married ended our relationship. She now realizes that the connection we had would have worked well until I was ready because we shared so many other things. Which she never had with her first husband.

    I understand a woman’s concern for a biological clock but a man who desires to be a good husband and father also wants to ensure that when he commits to those things he can follow through on that commitment. I have friends who got married and had kids early in life and ended up in divorce and what the majority always say is how unprepared they were for marriage, fatherhood and all that it entailed. You have to be ready to be a good husband in order to be a one….its not dumb luck.

  • tgtaggie

    First time poster long time reader here. Jozen, I hear you, man. As a man, I want to be the best husband I can be to my future wife. But at 25, certain things needs to be in order before I walk down the aisle. Until then I couldn’t find the aisle with a guide dog, a garmin, a compass and google maps. hehe.

    Normally, there are two trains of thought here. First, like DWJ she was willing to help her hubby get to that place. That’s a true definition of an helpmate and her marriage is probably stronger because of that. But women like her is almost like a rarity now in the world of: “I’ve gots mine (job, money, great credit, etc) and he best to have his or he ain’t getting the time of the day.” The other is: I need to have financial independence, my business established and the time to support her emotionally, physically and spiritually. In a perfect world for me it would be a combination of both of those trains of thought.

    The difficulty I have in trying to establish myself is that: I would love to have the support and love from a great woman. But I would hate to put her through the process (and agony) of reorganizing my family business (in a recession no less. lol), not being in a place financially to enjoy her company and trying to be the best bf (emotionally, spiritually) i could be for her. I don’t know too many women that are willing to grow with me in spite of those things.

    In my senior year of undergrad (I graduated in May 2009) I told myself that my next girlfriend will likely be the woman I marry. But I also learned that being in relationship that leads to marriage is a process. But being able to get to the point to be in a relationship is a process in itself.

  • Ericka

    Great post Jozen! This definitely shed light on a misconception that a lot of women have. I truly don’t think you can have a happy marriage until you are happy and complete within. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and shouldn’t be entered in lightly or without great thought. I always assummed that if a man was ready to commit, he would do it, no questions asked but this post proves how gray this area is. While I don’t know how many years I would be willing to wait until my man was ready, I know that I’d rather wait until he was completely sure then risk getting a divorce early on

  • Linsey

    This is the first time I felt compelled to comment on one of your posts. I whole-heartedly agree with everything you’ve written. I’m young, and I’m dating a man who I KNOW I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. If I could, I’d hop in the courthouse tomorrow and sign the dotted line to get our marriage license. But I also have the impression that marriage is more of a legal bond (just in my new-age opinion), and while I’m ready to marry this man, I’m not ready to share my debt, credit issues, and instability with him. It’s not fair to him.

    I’m not the kind of woman that will pressure a man to marry me, because I know I’m not established myself to take that step. I want to finish my final year in college. I want to clear my debt, and as you mentioned, have something saved up for a house. In fact, I want to have enough money saved up for my dream wedding! I don’t see a problem in waiting to get married if I know that one, five, or perhaps even ten years from now me and my man will still be together. To me, there is no time frame, and I’m not ready to pull him down with any issues I have at the moment.

    Yes, we can build an empire together. We’ve talked about building our lives together. But I’m not at the level yet where we can BEGIN to build. You can’t just build a life out of thin air, and while he’s supporting me in my endeavors, and vice versa, we’d both feel more comfortable to get married when things fall into place a bit more, and we’re more stable.

  • Mississ

    I appreciate a man’s desire to be at a comfortable place before trying to merge our lives. Life is a series of struggles. I’ve fought the good fight and I’m finally at a point where I’m good. I’m at a good place spiritually. I have a job that I like that pays me well, and I feel like I can take pretty good care of myself. I have a manageable amount of debt and a good credit score…you get the picture. The struggle to get here was long and difficult. Why at this point in my life would I attach myself to someone who is still struggling to get to where I’m already standing? Relationships are complicated enough without adding on a layer of unneccesary headaches. No one, man or woman, should put themselves into a relationship where they’re worse off than they were alone. We should compliment each other, make each other better. When a man tells me that he’s not ready, I believe him. Period.

  • Kady

    What a serious subject for a Friday! it was a great post and a good response coming from a man with good intentions. Sadly, that’s not always the case.

    I have to say my strongest belief is that when a man meets the woman he really wants to marry, the one he doesn’t want to see walk out his life forever, he will do what it takes to keep her. Now I am not saying he will have to walk down the isles, but there are significant steps that can be taken between GF and Wife to make a woman feel secure in your life. You can get engaged while letting her know you don’t want to get married right away, move in together, include her in future plans and communicate about where you see yourself in the future and if you see her as apart of it and you can find out what kind of ring she likes, etc. All these things should only be done if you truly know you want to marry a woman but just aren’t at the point to execute. I am assuming commitment is no longer an issue at this point. At the end of the day a woman needs to feel secure with her man, while her man needs to feel secure with himself. He shouldn’t only care about his security and she shouldn’t only care about a ring.

    I was having a conversation with a college friend and his fiancé a few months ago, and she openly told the story about how she expected for him to propose at a certain time, but it came later (months later, not years). The way they both spoke about the situation, you could tell that she had absolutely communicated her expectations to him, probably with a timeline attached. When it came down to it, she gave him a little more time, and he was wise enough to propose because he didn’t want to lose her. All things in life come in stages, you are not going to just wakeup one day and be ready to be a great husband or great wife, you will have to take steps along the way to work towards it. No woman should let a man tell her otherwise, if he is not working towards it with you, don’t count on it ever happening.

    I think the issue with men using the “I am establishing myself” line is, it doesn’t really state the whole truth the way Jozen states it. It leads a woman to believe that in a year or 2 years, or after he gets a better job, or a better car, or some savings, he will automatically pop the question. So women will sit around and wait and nag and wait and nag some more. I don’t understand why women won’t go out and live their life because the truth is, if he lets you walk out his life for good, he wasn’t the one anyway. So you can either leave now while you’re still young or leave 8 years down the line old and bitter. Also there are a lot of plain ole asshole losers and users using this same line, most of them are just men who refuse to grow-up, they are not ready for marriage but will mislead will willingly mislead the women in their lives.

    Now for the ladies, nothing irks me more than a woman who cannot read the signs or make a decision for herself. Women need to learn to have standards in relationships, if you want to be married by 30 and your 29 ½ , and you’ve been with your boo for 4 years while he sings the “I’m getting myself establish” song, then you need to make a decision. You can’t blame a man for not taking you seriously, if you don’t even take yourself seriously. I’ve just seen too many women go through this same situation to feel any pity for them.

  • dede

    This is so true….as a couple you can grow together and achieve so many things together.

  • Cicely

    It has been my experience through family and friends that often times men decide they are ready to marry even before meeting the one they want to marry. It leads me to the question I’ve wondered for a long time: When it comes to men and marriage, is it more about timing or more about the woman?

  • @shaystew

    Jozen, Your explanation of what men mean by being established is quite similar to women “establishing” themselves emotionally. Simply put, you can’t love someone else until you love yourself. This is a major issue with several women I encounter in their disastrous journeys of dating. So as a woman I completely understand your point because I know that being emotionally established in myself is not only necessary for peace of mind but for me to be in a successful relationship. Great piece as always!

  • rwifey

    this one made me smile too, nice

  • kam

    I just had an argument with my boyfriend over marriage. I think everyone’s situation is different. He wants to get married and I believe he is looking for some kind of validation. We have had a rough year and it has been volatile at times. This last time we had a falling out, he admitted to me that he had a drinking problem and an anger problem that comes along with it. He said he wants to go to counseling and I agreed and said that we both should go to counseling if we wanted this relationship to work. I am not saying that I do not contribute my own drama but he is the one with the real issues. I love him and believe he loves me and I don’t want to turn my back on him. I want to support him and build a life together and get through this. One week into getting back together, he said, ” Let’s go get married. ” In no way do I think that is a wise decision. It is not a quick fix and there is so much we need to show eachother first. He says that it shows I have no faith in us and that I am already making us fail. I told him that it shows that he has no faith in us and that he believes we will fail. I believe that he feels that if we get married, that there is no way that we can break up and therefore we will not fail. A piece of paper saying we are husband and wife does not mean anything to me. What means something to me is showing eachother love, affection and respect. It is doing for eachother equally and supporting eachother. If we can do that without a hitch than I don’t mind getting hitched!

  • Kayci

    I do understand this post, I really do. However, becoming “established” takes years to accomplish; I feel that man and women both need to work to that goal immediately after college graduation. Because becoming established is an individual goal, I understand wanting to do that while being single. The problem comes in when men get into exclusive relationships that approach the 1 and ½ to 2 year mark… NEWSFLASH once it gets to that point women become antsy and want to get married and by then you should know if that woman is the one you intend to marry. Women DO NOT want to hear that, “ I need to establish myself, first” issue, what have you been doing the past two years we have been in a relationship?!?!? If you are in a relationship, you are not alone use that other person for support.
    I feel that if a man meets a woman that he wants to marry he will work to achieve his goal of establishment quickly. But we must remember that we live in a time in which everything is expensive and an economy that is suffering from a recession so reaching that goal may take longer. Women want a man who is moving towards establishment daily and there is evidence to his progress; however a fully established man is nice, but is hard to come by right now. It is hard to wait for a man to achieve all his goals especially if in that relationship for almost two years. Sorry but it’s the truth!

    Now, to answer your question “Would I marry a man in debt?” No, I wouldn’t; that’s his debt not mine nor I don’t expect him to be pay for my debt either. Finances are a major issue in relationship one that causes divorces and I don’t want to get a divorce at all and most definitely not one because of finances!

  • Ruby

    On a light hearted note, am I the only one who smiled pathetically, like a girl with a crush on a writer that she’ll probably never meet, when he said:

    “Yes, you, woman who is reading this. Let’s say I wanted to marry you. That you loved me and knew you would for the rest of my life, and I loved you and knew I would love you for the rest of yours.”

    Sigh.. if only Jozen. If only…

  • SimplyBeautiful

    ‘So before I do (marry you) give me time to establish myself not for you, but for me to be with you for the rest of our lives. Please understand, it’s a process.’

    As a woman I thank you for this post as I do understand. I understood it when a man that captured my heart a few moons ago made mention of marriage. Something inside of me said he wasn’t ready and I knew I wasn’t ready. Not that I didn’t love him in the short time that we had been together, my thought process is different than most woman. I don’t have an expiration date (i.e. I need to be married by ). We’re not together now, but hey what can you do.

    I honestly believe in my heart that if whoever he is (when he finds me) feels as though I’m the one for him (Eve to his Adam) then I can wait until the time is right, and so should he. Not saying I’m about to date someone for 5+years (just turned 31), yet marriage is not the first thing on my mind within the first 6 months to a year of a relationship.

    Establish yourself, and I’ll be right by your side for the journey with no pressure. I don’t need to force what’s meant to be. There’s a season for everything.

  • Jenny

    I totally get the point, Jozen. I don’t think anyone should get married until they’re good and ready. I will say this though. There’s always going to be something. Even if you get all that stuff together there’s going to be something else that ‘comes up’. Something you want to accomplish or improve upon. I don’t think it’s BS at all. I think it’s fear. Fear is natural. But there comes a time when the thing you’re afraid of will override your fear and that will probably be the day you are ready to get married to the woman who makes you feel like the man you want to be for her (and yourself).

    And if we were in love but you still need time to get yourself together I’d say something like, “Take your time, baby. But just know that I am way to fly for you to make the mistake of losing out on allll this just cuz your scared.” lol (Since we’re playing make-believe.)

  • Pingback: Until I Get Married » The Process Begins Now()

  • Danni

    I didn’t read this post when it was posted last week, but due to today’s post I figured I might want to visit it. That comment you made about a woman being sure she wanted to marry a man who was unsure if he could be faithful forever even if he wanted to? I swear on all I know, this dilemma bugs me all the time!

    I always assumed in my college days that the man I’d ultimately marry would never do such a thing, but now that I’m in the latter part of my 20s, I see things differently and am much more realistic…and cautious. We’re all human, and as you said, as much as a man might want to be faithful, he’s capable of slipping up once or twice (better not be more than that, damnit). Especially over the course of 60-70 years! And I ask myself, do I have the ability to forgive a man for doing something like this to my ego, my self-esteem, OUR relationship and family and marriage? Can I continue to love him the same way I did before he broke that vow? Honestly, at this moment, my answer is I don’t think so. And that’s something I have to work on, not some man.

    Good stuff…

  • Shanda

    Wow, thank you for the insight.

    I can totally understand the male point of view from your explanation.

    I guess it is all about a man needing to feel like “a man”/”the man” of the house, once married. If they don’t know, even in relationships, it causes problems.

  • Daree

    I co-sign. Whatever a person won’t do before marriage, don’t expect him/her to do it afterward. #thatisall.

  • Akilah Garnett

    I love how u so eloquently expressed the reasons why some men put marriage on the back burner. The reason being is because you’re not “established”. Now to me being “established”, is to be settled securely and unconditionally, that u have reached all the goals that u have set for yourself. Unfortunately, there is NO timeline to one’s establishment, it’s possible that it can take a lifetime.

    Frankly, I believe all that u have said is a smoke-screen to the fact that most men procrastinate. It’s one thing to be established and it’s another to be ON THE ROAD to your establishment. The word commitment/marriage or the act of is like an STD to most men. U welcome all the pleasures but you are SCARED AS HELL to be diagnosed with it. Marriage n commitment is not a disease n when it feels right u should embrace it. And as a woman, no, I don’t understand it.

    Most women are natural at nurturing and do believe that we can only help your situation, if you allow us to. Healthwise, we can make u a healthy meal or two. We can go with u to the gym, if not that, we can give u the best sweaty sex ever to help u burn off those calories. Financially, we can help U follow YOUR budget plans by staying in or maybe treating u to a night out. For your self help or the bettering of you, we can be your personal cheerleaders. It’s about love, compromise, caring, and wanting the best for the person your with. I guess that’s why most women deal with their procrastinating man’s ways.

    I do appreciate this post, it’s very informative and sheds alot of light on many questions that I have. My favorite quote in this post is….

    “Men don’t know who they want to marry or if they want to get married, until they meet that woman, and all the while they’re wondering if they have what it takes to really be that type of husband they want to be and see; that’s what women don’t get. They don’t understand a man isn’t worried about whether or not his woman is ready, he’s too busy wondering if he is ready.”

    Well I got a quote for you….

    “A weak man has doubts before a decision, a strong man has them afterwards.”
    Said by Karl Kraus

    In other words…. Make a decision and work it out.